Friday, July 11, 2008

Stuff you should not own if you are Mormon.

I was commenting on my sister-in-law's blog yesterday, and I thought that subject needed a posting all it's own.  

If you are LDS, and I assume that you most likely are if you are reading my blog, then you need to know not to purchase the below items.  If you are not LDS, thank you for visiting my blog and would you like some missionaries to come visit you?  Just kidding.  Actually, if you are not LDS, most of the same list holds true if you have any friends or extended relatives.

Things you should not own:

1. A boat.  

This one goes without saying.  Sure, boats are generally fun if you like wiping out on water skis and circling a floating man in the water 6 times before he is finally able to grab the rope.  But, a boat is a death wish if you have any sort of youth in your ward.  Every BYC meeting, your name will be brought up as a "potential boat person".  You will then be asked to subject your boat to a week of dragging a "water weenie" full of 6 screaming girls around a lake until one of them gets hurt.   This of course, does not apply to really rich wards in which everyone owns a boat.

As I have mentioned before, boats are always the first thing people bring up in Sunday School when asked the question, "What are some things that people put before God in their lives?"  First answer - boats!  You may have a boat that you have owned for years, never driven on Sunday and rarely drive now.  But in the eyes of most, if you are a boat owner, you are Satan's spawn.  Good luck getting that temple recommend renewed in two years!

2. A pickup truck.  

The first thing the bishop thinks when you pull up in your pickup truck at church is, "Scoutmaster!"  Only men with pickup trucks can tow all that crap up canyons and over rocky mountains.  In addition, every time someone moves in or out, in Elder's Quorum they will say, "hey, Joey's got that pickup truck."  You need to ask yourself - What do I really want to be doing every Saturday morning?

3. A giant snowblower.  

Not a big one here, but if you have one of these, people expect a lot out of you.  One of our older neighbors has one and you can depend on him to go up and down the street during every major snowstorm.  It got so I gave him an hour buffer before I even went out with my shovel.  No use in shoveling if the SB 5000 would be heading down the pavement soon.

During our last big snowstorm of the winter (which was what, like April this year?), there was no sign of the snow killer on wheels.  One of my neighbors actually had the gumption to come and complain to me. "If I had one of those, I would do the whole ward" he had said. Turns out, the old guy had gone out and had a heart attack while getting the snow blower out.  What this shows us is that if you own one of these behemoths and just snow blow your own walk, people will think you are a jerk.  And if you go up and down the street, you better plan on doing that for the rest of your life, or until you have a heart attack.  Whatever comes first.

4. An in ground swimming pool. 


A swimming pool is a stupid thing to own for lots of other reasons, but here is one reason specifically for the LDS crowd. 

Do you really want to have this conversation with your ward scoutmaster?

SM: Can we use your pool to get our swimming merit badge?

You: Uh, yeah, I guess.  When do you want to use it?

SM: Tuesday afternoon at 4:30.  We will have 57 boys there.

You: Hmm, okay.  Well, I have to work until 6:00.

SM: Could we just let ourselves in?  We will clean it up real good like after we are done.

You: How many boys did you say there would be?

SM: 57.  Oh, and they will be wearing pants in the pool.  They have to blow them up like a balloon to make themselves float. 

You: How many leaders will there be?

SM: If you count the Varsity boys as leaders, there will be 10.

You: Are the Varsity boys considered leaders?  How many of them will there be?

SM: Well, according to rule 14-2 of the scouter manual, they can be considered leaders when within 5 miles of the vicinity of their own home. Oh, and there will be 9 of them.

You: So, you, 9 Varsity scouts and 48 regular scouts? Can't you do it at 7:00, when I will be home?

SM: No, the Varsity scouts don't count as the regular scouts.  And we can't do it at 7:00 because there is a Jazz game on that night and the Junior High is having their dance recital.

You: How many boys dance in the dance recital?

SM: None, but they want to go support their friends that are girls.

You: Oh boy.

SM: So, what do you say?

You: Okay. 

SM: Great!  Will you leave the back door open in case we need to to to the bathroom?  I'll make the boys take off their wet long pants before they go in.


5. A summer home within 100 miles.

I am not really sure when the church rule that you can not go more than 100 miles away from SLC came about, but when it did I am sure the sales of summer homes exactly 100 miles away from the SLC area skyrocketed.

Girls camp, scout camp, the ward camp out and nursery camp all have the potential to be held in the back yard... of your summer home!  Just ask Cathi.  She is at someone else's summer home right now for girls camp. 

Of course, I will never have to worry about owning any of these items.  I am a teacher.

Are there any other things I need to add to this list?  Let me know.


Lori said...

Abe, we've owned 3 of these items...but we're now rid of ALL of you think my ward will still let me attend on Sundays? Oh, and the scoutmaster noticed our pool out front last night...I had almost that exact conversation with him about using IT for the merit badge class!

CaraDee said...

Amen brother! You gotta love the law of consecration. And damn those who have boats, unless we would like to use them for an activity....

Tammy said...

Hilarious Abe!!! Especially the last line about you not owning them because you are a teacher :). good thing you are blessed with a dad who can purchase all those things for himself and then share with you :).

that's the way to do it. find friends or family who will take the responsibility so you dont have to :).

Cheeseboy said...

Hey everyone. Thanks for your comments. I had not considered it the law of consecration. I guess it is in it's purest form.

I guess I should have made it clear...I am more than happy to use numbers 1 - 5 that other people own. I just don't want the responsibility of owning them myself.

brandi (and tim) said...

This really explains why my parents were inactive in the church.