Monday, July 26, 2010

The Mystery of the Great Pooping Bandit of '07: A Devil's Tale

My dad tells me that I write too much about poop; that somehow I have managed to cross the line of the appropriate amount of poop talk into the land of juvenile absurdity.

For this post, dearest father, I apologize.  

This is the true story - true story - about seven strangers that stop being polite and start being real.

Actually, no - no it's not.  I lied.  I've just always wanted to write that sentence.

This is actually the true story of a bandit - a pooping bandit.  I shall call it The Pooping Bandit of '07, a Devil's Tale.

In the year of our Lord, 2007, I taught first grade at a school in which the bathrooms were situated in the center of four first grade classrooms.  This worked to our advantage as no other grades had access to their use and everything had been miniaturized to meet the needs of a miniaturized population base.  (Miniature due to age, not midgets.)

Now, in these trifling johns there are what are commonly referred to as "urinals".  (Women, please see figure 1A for reference to what a urinal is.)  The unfortunate reality was that these urinals looked a whole lot like actual toilets.  At the beginning of each school year, being the only male first grade teacher on the entire planet, it was my responsibility to take large groups of boys into the restroom and explain that these urinals are for "pee, not poop." 

"We don't poop in these boys.  They're not for pooping!  Pooping goes over there.  Pee goes in these."  

I mean, it's a common phrase that most 30-year-old men probably say on a daily basis at their places of work.

No matter how many times I reminded the boys that the urinals are not for pooping, there would always be a mysterious log around the second week of September.  We teachers referred to this log as "the first sign of fall" and "Trevor's Revenge".*

'07 was a different sort of year.  I'd like to say that it was the first year that we did not find poop in the urinal.  I'd like to say that it was a breakthrough year; that somehow all my motivational poop talks actually proved their worth and that we went would escape without finding any brown urinal corn dogs.  I'd like to say those things, but I can't.  '07 proved to be the year that the boy that painted the urinal brown would get the best of me.

After the third pooping in '07, I was done.  Granted, I didn't have to clean the poop or even look at, but hearing the teenage sweeper girl gag as she used a spatula device was enough for me.  I had decided that it would NOT HAPPEN AGAIN and that ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH!  Every first grade boy in all four classes would spend the next recess in my room and the recess after that and the one after that, and so on, until someone confessed to being "The Pooing Bandit".

I must say, that first recess punishment was extraordinarily painful. We all sat and stared at each other and not a single peep from any of the boys.  Eventually a small group started crying and proclaiming their hope that someone would confess. By the end of the 15 minutes, most were angry and ready to riot on a moments notice. If only they had had a vocal leader to lead them in revolt, my corpse could have been found underneath five feet of playground pebbles.

I decided that the "smoke-em-out" method was not effective.  It was time to break out Plan B.

At our school, and other schools like it in Utah, we have a police officer that frequently visits and talks to the kids about not using drugs.  It's a semi-effective program as only 62% of kids go on to try drugs in high school instead of the usual 68%.  I thought I would put this officer to good use in our fecal/urinal investigation.

After the fifth mud bunny was found in the urinal that year, I once again gathered all the first grade boys and informed them that the police would be getting involved.  I told them that there would be a police officer in THAT VERY DAY and that he would be taking finger prints and collecting samples.

At the time, when I suggested that he would be "collecting samples" it seemed appropriate enough.  Now, it seems altogether rather foul and wrong.  I mean, it probably isn't something CSI:SLC is going to want to spend more than five minutes analyzing.  Finding Pooping Bandits isn't exactly their forte.

Anyway, I talked to my Principal and it was arranged.  The Dare Police Officer would come down to the first grade classrooms, pretend to look around and dust for fingerprints.  I then told the boys that if whomever was responsible were to come forward, he would not be prosecuted in a court of law for the "mooky stinking" that had gone down.

Still, there were no admittance to the crime.  I was mystified and discouraged.  Generally, when you mention the possibility of jail to a first grader, they are so frightened that they will confess to just about anything, including pooping in a urinal.

The Dare Officer and the Principal did, in fact, come in.  (However, I highly doubt that they took any samples, but they may have.) As they made their rounds through the classroom, I could feel the tension build and the whispers began.  There was a general unease about the situation for SOMEONE was getting in trouble and that person was going to get it BIG TIME!

Alas, the policeman left and life went back to normal.  No one confessed and the mystery and lore of the Pooing Bandit continued to build.

Two weeks later I had taken the kids to lunch and returned to my classroom to get something out of my desk.  A mom was there waiting for me.  She informed me that she had just seen a sixth grade boy bolt out of our bathroom and he had a guilty look on his face.  I rushed to the bathroom and as sure enough, there were two brown toileteers floating in the urinal.

It was then that it all made sense: The poop was always pooped during the lunch hour, when no one was around. Also, despite a threat of incarceration, no first grader ever stepped forward and admitted the crime. Finally, the poops were almost always large, preteen sized logs.**

I was overcome with guilt as I had blamed my sweet, innocent first graders of such vile and nastiness.

Now, I would like to say that this story has a happy ending, but it does not.  They (meaning myself and the Dare Officer) never did apprehend the Sixth Grade perp.

To this day, he is probably hunched over some poor, unsuspecting high school urinal with a goofy grin on his face.

Long live the Pooping Bandit.

*Trevor's Revenge refers to Trevor, a boy that purposefully pooped in the urinal because he had to stay in from recess for saying the S word.  (Stupid)

** I am not sure if log size is proportional to body size, but it made sense at the time.

72 comments:

Kelly said...

first!

MommyJ said...

Seriously... this post was sort of like watching a train wreck. You want to look away, but you JUST CAN'T! Every time you mentioned poop, I wanted to look away... to go find some other not so disgusting thing to read, but I couldn't stop reading. Guess that's a compliment to your story telling abilities, even if your story was about poop.

Teachinfourth said...

I don't know if I should be grossed out, or impressed at this post. So I guess I'll do both. Kudos to you for pulling this one out of … well, the air.

Kristina P. said...

All I could think about while reading this post is if that 6th grader would be charged with an "Unlawful Act in a School" and then brought into my facility.

We would then have to talk about the kid who was charged with pooping into a urinal.

T said...

MommyJ is right... I wanted to turn away - I did... but I just had to keep reading...

and I'm just going to point out for the record that MY son Trevor is not THAT Trevor... because that would have required that I kill the boy.

you are NOT making me want to start the school year up again!!!

Cherie said...

This was one of the sickest things I have ever read yet I hung on every word wondering what your next description of a BM would be! LOL

Pat Tillett said...

even today, the legend of the "pooping bandit" lives on...

The Church Lady said...

Gosh, I'm surprised the "pre-teen sized logs" didn't give it away immediately! Those darn 6th graders! Very funny story!!

Marnie said...

Now that was funny. I guess that it's no surprise that I had a good laugh :0)

Corrina Terry said...

This is just one reason why I do not teach elementary school. Your tale cracked me up!!!!!!!!!!!! :o)

UnicycleRose said...

I belive every word of your tale and that pre-teen poops are larger than first graders, although I have never actually weighed them, but your theory does make sense. Don't the funniest things happen in an elementary school?? Wonderful writing material, no? Niiiice story. I hope your father recovers soon.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

You make poop seem almost magical-just by calling it mud bunnies -LMAO!

Jillybean said...

You will have to talk about much more poop before you even come close to the amount of times I wrote about it while potty training Max.
Maybe I should get Max into your first grade class next year......


We used to have what we called "The Phantom Pooper" at our house. Poop in the toilet, but no toilet paper, and nobody claiming it.

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Melinda said...

Naw, I think poops pretty much always funny, so keep it coming! The stories...not the poop. Yuk, yuk! No I mean seriously, yuck. ;D

GrammyMouseTails said...

ahem... Okay then. Well you have proved the point that you are indeed a male. As my 31 year old son still gets the giggles over fart noises & jokes. Makes me wonder If I should share this tale with him or not... one question Cheesy... doesn't a "Bandit" usually "take" something??? not leave it behind?

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

I love this entry. :) I'm glad the first-graders were finally vindicated ... but disappointed that the perp - er, POOPetrator never paid a price.

Saimi said...

It was the sixth grader in the urinal with a log! Ahhh, if only you'd seen the clues....

Baby Sister said...

I feel bad for the girl who had to clean it out...
Little boys are messy!!

MiMi said...

I really have nothing to add to this post, because, really, you are BRILLIANT.
This is probably THE best post I've read in forever.
I love poop stories.
PShaw. Too many poop stories. No. No, sir, indeed. Never too many poop stories.

Dallen said...

You know, this sounds like a story you could easily squeeze into a elementary- to middle school-type book as a sub-plot! Having read tons of those books when I was pre-teen, I can say quite easily and accurately that it would be a hit!

My mom was a first grade teacher and she told me about similar problems when I was growing up. The worst though was at the end of the day, when she smelled something foul in her own classroom. There, sitting on one of the chairs, solid, huge, was a grand yet fallen redwood. Alas, the mighty woodsman had left it as a memorial of his day, to be cherished by the after-school janitor.

My mom never said, "long live" to him, I'll tell you that much.

The Bipolar Diva said...

OMG! That was so stinkin' funny, Ok, so that pun was totally un-intended!
I'm still laughing. I really needed your maestro-like skills to help me in my last post so I linked to you. I really hope some of my readers find their way over to this. HA-LAR-E-OUS!
Ok, so I used hooked-on-phonics.

Rachel said...

Oh My Lord! (I start a lot of my comments on your blog like that...)

I am dying laughing - whilst wondering just how juvenile it was that I snorted several times at your various monikers for the lovely turds.

See, I just snorted writing that.

I'd say you are a breath of fresh air, but that would be ironic considering the subject matter...

But truly - I needed the laugh - many thanks!

Stacey said...

This was freaking hilarious!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Teacher, can we move on from poop, body odor, urine tubes and urinals now?
xoRobyn

W.C.Camp said...

Wow this story really 'STINKS'. It is amazing how helpful 'South Park' has made teaching. Sorry you had to deal with this at all ... you get BROWNIE points for your effort. W.C.C.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Nothing can beat that true tale of horror.

Mr. Stupid said...

That was just scary. I wonder where the Pooping Bandit is today. Maybe, he's visiting Restrooms to commit more crime.

baygirl32 said...

The post is hilarious!

Joan said...

Oh lord, did I just read that entire post? About poop?!

You know what's funny? Since I have watched two vidoes of yours (back of a truck and urine tube) I hear your voice when I read your posts. And since I think your accent is a hoot, it makes it even funnier. Ha!

-stephanie- said...

Aw man, I wanted a different ending.

I don't think I will ever dump in peace again, knowing this story will be in my head as I go.
Ahem...did I just write that?

DEZMOND said...

thy father is a wise man! :)

Joanna @ The Casa said...

Gross and hilarious. Bravo!

Martha H. said...

I'm still laughing. I don't think that there's anything wrong with posts about poop as they are usually funny.

tammy said...

I'm with Mr. Stupid (that sounds funny), I'd hate to see the mischief that boy is causing now.

Marlene said...

Now this is my kind of post!! LOL!!! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time!!!!! I know, I'm immature. It's ok....I'll take it! Makes me happy!

Connie said...

You have a great variety of ways to say "poop"! Your father should be OK with this post since you only used the word "poop" 14 times! (I just made up that number)

Amy said...

My first laugh of the day. I only wish I would have read it sooner. Thanks!

Sam Liu said...

I completely agree with MommyJ, the story was as vile as can be, yet somehow strangely and hilariously engaging. One just couldn't stop reading! Needless to say, you had me laughing out loud throughout, Cheeseboy :D

Pearl said...

That was well worth the use of the word "poop".

And I never found it gratuitous.

Thanks for the laughs!

Pearl

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

yEs! I've done the motivational poop talk myself. The joys of teaching huh? I can see the boy now...just like you said!

natalee said...

LOL!!! As a teacher I can totally relate to smokin them out...LOl!!!!! LOVE THIS STORY!!!!!!

Emmy said...

Oh your poor falsely acused first graders. I am glad you didn't take your dad's advice and wrote this, too funny. And sad. And disgusting. All rolled up in one lovely package :)

Missy said...

OMG! You are a hoot! We have a Mystery Porch Pooper in our neighborhood. I am posting about him/her Thursday! I would say the size of the log is in alignment with the size of the perv...

Noelle said...

Gross Cheeseboy, Gross!

Hart Johnson said...

*dies* Oh, the things that never occur to you when you bypass a teaching career because you know you have no patience... Thank you for the reinforcement that i didn't steer myself wrong.

*snort*

jondoust said...

Since we're talking about that sort of thing...

Many, many years ago when I was at university we were plagued by the "Phantom Turd Layer" who, every few days, would deposit brown trout of such fearsome length and girth in our hall of residence communal loos that they would block the u-bend if not hacked to pieces with the brush before flushing.

This caused us much dismay.

After many weeks of enquiry and investigation we discovered that the culprit was not a bloke we refered to as "big Ed" whose eating habits and general demeanor marked him as a likely candidate but a ver diminutive young lady from the floor above ours.

Just goes to prove that the "size of the prize" can be deceptive.

lindsey v said...

"The first sign of fall" and "Trevor's Revenge" - haha! Funny.

Remember when you used to only get 1 or 2 comments on some funny stuff? Those days are no more. Yay for you!

C'est La Vie said...

crap.
no pun intended.
iread this while eating my lunch.
not the best idea.

Mommy Lisa said...

I love a good poop story. :)

Sherilin Riley said...

glad to know i'm not alone in my excessive blogging about poop. years of IBS has made for some very funny poop stories, most often at my own expense.
so funny! i might just need to follow you now that i found you on such a delightful posting topic!

M-Cat said...

1. I love me a good post about poop. The fact that someone else is as juvenile as me - makes me very happy.

2. The beloved Dare officer. My oldest was the star student of Dare. His essay was so wonderful, the officer had him read it at DARE graduation. I have pictures as proof. He is now my drug using delinquent that I would like to drop kick into purgatory.

3. Brown urinal corndogs, mud bunnies and mooky stinky are all now going to become regularly used at the M-Cat's household. I thank you!

Joann Mannix said...

What a poop detective you are! I have so used those same tactics on my girls when they were little, not about pooping, because girls never have a fascination with poop like boys do. But I will confess, I kept a baggie of baby powder that I'd bring out and inform them my police friend had given me some fingerprint powder and I was ready to dust for prints. It worked every time. I am evil incarnate.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Ohmanohmanohman!!

Gigi said...

Just stopping by to say hi and thank you for stopping by the other day.

Haven't you learned by now, it's *always* the 6th graders - never those precious angels in 1st grade. ;-)

Melinda said...

Such a memory! I really miss my old classroom and the perfect view I had of the boys bathroom. I've seen more bum cracks going in than I ever wanted to! It's sad we don't have anyone to give the old urinal talk anymore.

Terresa said...

I'm saving this post to present to my family for FHE next week.




(maybe)

PS: Thanks for the grin.
PPS: Poop talk is one language my young kids (ages 3, twins ages 6 and our oldest, age 8) *get*.
PPPS: Do you know the Diahreah song?

tiburon said...

Love me a good train wreck post. You don't want to look - but you have to.


And I have never put so much thought into the size of poop.

Donda said...

Heavens to Betsy!! My daughter will be in 1st grade this fall..should I be concerned?? LMAO that crakcked me the hell up!!!

imbeingheldhostage said...

How sad. I hope they had a great end-of-year party, meanie. ;-)

Unknown Mami said...

I hope that was cleansing for you and that you got it out of your system. You must be pooped.

Dave said...

It must be said — your blog has really gone in the crapper lately. (And with that, the comment board for this post has reached its poo pun quotient).

Chaka said...

You have a gift! I could never get away with writing so much about poop with such eloquence. "Brown toileteers" Seriously, that's talent.
PS- You are my kids hero.

Yanet @ 3 Sun Kissed Boys said...

Boy, did I pick the right day to start reading your blog?! I almost peed a little laughing so hard (which is somewhat suiting considering the subject matter). How long did you brainstorm to come up with the BM descriptions? Or did they just flow out of you? Ha, ha get it? Flow out if you? I kill myself. Why wasn't the bandit ever caught? Didn't he ever strike again? Is it good or bad that your poop story left me wanting more? Anyway, if this post doesn't put your farther over the edge, nothing will.

Coming over from Teachinfourth's blog. Glad I did.

Mary said...

so gross...but so very funny!

Lolidots said...

I've never been so on the edge of my seat while reading about a mystery involving poop. I was hoping for some poop justice at the end. You should send this story to the Law and Order writers. Just sayin.

mintifresh said...

That's the best poo story ever!

Pat said...

Is this where calling small children "Little Shits" came from?

I wish that mother would have identified the perp/pooper. Talk about embarrassment! I would have made him scrub the urinals with a toothbrush!

Did you ever apologize to the innocent little babes in the woods a.k.a. first graders?

Powdered Toast Man said...

That was a great story. Reminds me of the episode of south park when someone pooped in the urinal.

Deidra said...

This may be a stupid question, but is there actually toilet paper beside the urinals...?

Marla said...

I so wish I did not like your pooping stories. Sorry cheeseboy's dad.

Kate said...

I'm truly behind the times, but I had to comment on a post like this. I have the good fortune (close proximity for little bladders) and bad fortune (automatic hand dryers with a decibel level equivalent to a jumbo jet) of being across the hallway from the bathrooms. I never imagined that I'd spend four years in college in order to spend what seems like half of my life standing outside the boys bathroom. Money well spent, to be sure.

Like you, we've had to institute such programs as "bathroom boot camp" (beginning of school instructions on appropriate bathroom use). I've also had the particular joy of requesting that fathers teach their kids how to use a urinal without pulling their pants all the way down. This is typically something that's an issue for kids with divorced parents and a lifetime of going into the girls' bathroom with their moms. Never occurred to me until about the fourth (or fourteenth, my math is a little foggy) time a kid came out into the hall exclaiming in disgust, "He's pulling down his drawers!!" Being a girl, I was confused why this was an issue: of course he was pulling down his pants! Eventually (maybe it was the fourtieth time...I'm quite sure it was a number that started with "f" though) the lightbulb flickered. Ahhhh...the primary grades.