Monday, July 5, 2010

The true story of Bubba and Harry and how they opened the world's first firework stand.

Bubba: Hey Harry, see all them leftover splosives over dair? Da ones we used for all dat mine-in?

Harry: Oh yeah, I see em'.  

Bubba: We should sell em'.  Call dem' "firewerks".  Dem people could light em' up on all der streets.  Dey could have all dem neighbors ova.  Set off all dem car alarms and such.

Harry: Bubba, you is a genius.  Where should we sell um?

Bubba: I got dis big ole' tent from Larry.  It's da white one, you know?

Harry: Oh yeah!  We used it to gut dem catfish when it was raining dat one time.

Bubba: Yep.

Harry: We could set it up down in dat one parking lot by the grocery.

Bubba: My thoughts exactery, Harry.  You da one datis da genius.  Dat parkin' lot has tons of people lookin' for splosions and such.

[2 days later, in the tent]

Harry: Why ain't anyone comin' round Bubba?  We ain't sold no splosions!

Bubba: My guess is we don't have any them streamers.  You know, dem red and white ones? We make it all patriotical and snazzy up round in here, on account of the ferth of Jule-I.

Harry: Hey, quiet up now.  Here comes er first custmer!

[Customer enters the tent]

Bubba: You lookin' for dem splosions?

Customer: Oh, excuse me.  I thought you were selling those delightful snow drops in here.

Bubba: DEM WHAT?! Nope.  We got splosions.  We been callin' em' "fireworks", even though some of em' don't really work.

Customer: Now why would I need some of your so called fireworks?

Harry: You know... ya set em up in front of yer house and all the neighbers all come out and here em... BANG, BANG!

Customer: And why would I want to do that?

Harry: To get your neighbers, you know, talkin' bout you and yer splosions. Evrybuddy round come look at yer splosions. 

Customer: Oh, I see. Are they legal?

Bubba: Youbetcha der legal.  Even ask dem sharrif.

Customer: [Picks one up] And what is this one called?

Bubba: Just named dat one myself, just now.  Dings called a "bottle rocket". Ya gotta tape it der and then ya stick in a bottle and it'll shoot up like one of dem astro-notter things, but without the Tang. 

Customer: How much is it?

Harry: We give ya dozen for say... five bucks.

Customer: Sounds reasonable.  [Picks up another]  And what are these?

Bubba: [Thinking hard] I'm gonna call dat one der a "black cat".  It does nuttin but BANG, BANG, BANG all da time... kinda like dat black cat dat lives hind my house der.

Harry: Oh yeah.  And try and put one of dem in dis cardberd tank I just made with dees scissors her.  You could have yerselves a little backyard war.

Customer: I see. What else you got?

Bubba: [Clearly just making stuff up now.] We got dem Roman Candles, Screaming Mimis, Lady Fingers, Fuzz Buttles, Snicker Bombs, Church Burners, Finger Blasters, Gut Busters, Zippity Do Das, Crap Flappers, Whistling Bungholes, Spleen Splitters, Whisker Biscuits, Honkey Lighters, Husker Doos, Husker Don'ts, Cherry Bombs, Nipsy Daisers (with or without the scooter stick), and a single whistling kitty chaser.*

Customer: Wow!  Very impressive.  How much for the whole lot of them?

Harry: We'd give you all dem splosions for four hundred fitty bucks.

Customer: And you say my neighbors will love me.

Harry: De eat you up.  Youda man.  Even dem housewives will come runnin'.

Customer: I'll take them.

[As customer is walking out...]

Bubba: Sucka!

Harry: Like lightin' his cash up in flames.

Bubba: Hot dang, dem are big splosions we sell to that sucker there.

Harry: Yep Bubba, he probably be setten his house on fie.

Bubba: You got somedin that we could sell him dat puts out fies?

Harry: No... just that can of old flour overder.

Bubba: And I got that big canteen with da squirty handle.

Harry: You thinkin what I thinkin?

Bubba: HEY DER CUSTOMER, COME ON BACK NOW!  YOU GONNA NEED SOMEDIN SO YOUR HOUSE DON'T BURN DOWN!

Harry: Too late man.  Hey, do you wanna get on dem streamers?

Bubba: What da colors again?

*List of fireworks actually obtained from the movie Joe Dirt.

43 comments:

FabuLeslie said...

Ha! I'm glad you told me about Joe Dirt because as I was reading I was surprised that you knew so much about fireworks. I remember the neighborhood wars as a teenager in the suburbs of Houston. Good times.

P.S. I actually called the police Sunday night when someone was setting them off between midnight and 12:30 and the dog wouldn't stop barking at the noise. I'm an old fuddy duddy!

T said...

I used to think my grandpa was a complete dud because he loved to lecture us about burning up our money...

Sorry Gramps!

(seriously? Whistling bunghole? I'm not going to think about that one too hard!)

KyAnn (like Cayenne Pepper, only HOTTER) said...

I know EVERY word to Ice Ice Baby. Call me, I'll sing backup while you sing it in the McDonald's Playland tube. I'm signing you up for the next Friday Follow. Rude and unscrupilous, yes, but we've got to get you to 300...

Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in, and the Vegas all pumpin'
Quick to the point, to the point no faking
Cooking MC's like a pound of bacon
Burning 'em if they're ain't quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal

I can go on like this ALL DAY...

KyAnn

MiMi said...

It's sad because it seems like something that really happened.

-stephanie- said...

No Bubba and Harry in these parts. Just the fireworks building (not stand) on the Rez. Yup, we blew our money in to smithereenz. Fun stuff.

The Church Lady said...

I just watched Mike Rowe on Dirty Jobs show how they assemble and make fireworks. The amount of work that goes into making those and the black powder and explosives that they use makes it a dangerous job no one would want to do. Hence the reason why they are soooooo expensive.

baygirl32 said...

dem splosions sounds some good. h'up

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

I'm feeling cheated. All Bubba and Harry sold me was dem flowers and sparklers. There weren't no snickers or nothin.
xoRobyn

M-Cat said...

For the first time in 20 something years, we have NOT purchased fireworks. Perfectly happy.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Bubba and Harry were recently in our WalMark parking lot...

Joel said...

Ok, you are irresponsibly hilarious, and I am getting not one thing done besides scrolling through to read every post then re-reading cause I keep skipping lines due to tears in my eyes...

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Hee hee! Splosives! I think they might be my neighbors actually...

Gigi said...

Well, we have very similar exchanges here in Texas, but the accent is different. This sounds highly Minnesotan; aren't you in utah?

Cheeseboy said...

KyAnne - you didn't even vote in the poll. You need to vote.

Marlene said...

I just loved reading the accents in this piece....heehee.

Dallen said...

More clever hilarity from you! HOw do you do it?! hahahah

Amy said...

I feel just like Bubba and Harry when I allow my kids to buy that junk. A big....DUH!

Lucky for me this year, my oldest has grown a brain, spending only $27. My limit was $40.

W.C.Camp said...

I don't know but it seems like you were quoting some of my Missouri relatives? I hope this is only a play and not an actual RECORDING of a conversation that my kin were having? W.C.C.

Mr. Stupid said...

My Neighbor hated the fireworks. He hated them a bit more when he saw me and my brother with them.
We had wars and my neighbor was always part of it. Though, he only yelled!
Great post.

Saimi said...

Yep no Bubba and Harry in these parts, just indians. They are the only ones allowed to fire up.

tammy said...

How I miss not living close to WY anymore. We don't even have sparklers here. I had to ship them in.

MBGITWWR said...

Love the story. Nothin' like a couple of backwoods boys trying to blow up other peoples houses. :)

Mary said...

what is it about the southern accent that lowers your IQ by about 1,000 points?

Silver Strands said...

Sheesh - it seems like Bubba and Harry are in a million different places all at once!
Denalee

Oh - a special little surprise for you on my blog :)

Nancy C said...

My favorite firework name is "Untamed Retribution." Naturally, the box has a Screaming Bald Eagle on it.

C'est La Vie said...

youda man!

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

I think those two were former neighbors of mine. Weird!

This was too funny! Hope you had a happy (SAFE!) Fourth!!

Lisa Loo said...

These guys are obviously related to Vern and He With No Eyebrows up here in Montana. I don't know about Utah but here in Montana the packaging and naming of said explosives was bordering on porn--what is up with that?!

I loved your post about your wife. I love husbands who realize that they married "up" in life :0)

Melinda said...

I loved the movie Joe Dirt when it came out. Awesome. I haven't seen it since then, but just a reference with "bunghole" in it has me wanting to watch it again. Badly.

Emmy said...

How long did this take you to type? Or do you regularly type this way? Too too funny.

jayayceeblog said...

Four hundred fitty bucks is a smokin' dang deal! Loved your story!!!

Baby Sister said...

Hahahahaha. That was hilarious!!

Copyboy said...

The fact you can write this amazing dialogue while citing facts from Joe Dirt makes me even more jealous of your blogging talents. Extra kudos to you for nailing that southerner accent so well.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Too funny!!!!!

I live in a bad neighborhood. All night July fourth I was like:
gun shots or fireworks??

It's a fun game..

lori said...

you nailed it! We spent 50 bucks and the fun was over in about 2 minutes.
Damn that Bubba.

Kelly H-Y said...

Hilarious ... so THAT's how it all came about! Your imagination is extraordinary!

Powdered Toast Man said...

I knew those were from Joe Dirt right away. Great use of vocabulary and grammar. I felt like I was in the South.

Pat said...

Ha ha! That explains why there were no fireworks left when I got there!

Tracie said...

I'm pretty sure Bubba and Harry are from KY.

Dolly said...

I've always wondered how fireworks sales were first allowed in public-hmmm? (Sounds just about right!:)

Cherie said...

Redneck fireworks!! That explains alot - This was Hilarious!

Joel said...

I think what's really scary is all these commenters that are/know/live next door/are related to your Bubba and Harry...

Keely said...

Aw, you shouldn't have fessed up to how you knew all those names. I was impressed.