Monday, July 5, 2010
The true story of Bubba and Harry and how they opened the world's first firework stand.
Harry: Oh yeah, I see em'.
Bubba: We should sell em'. Call dem' "firewerks". Dem people could light em' up on all der streets. Dey could have all dem neighbors ova. Set off all dem car alarms and such.
Harry: Bubba, you is a genius. Where should we sell um?
Bubba: I got dis big ole' tent from Larry. It's da white one, you know?
Harry: Oh yeah! We used it to gut dem catfish when it was raining dat one time.
Harry: We could set it up down in dat one parking lot by the grocery.
Bubba: My thoughts exactery, Harry. You da one datis da genius. Dat parkin' lot has tons of people lookin' for splosions and such.
[2 days later, in the tent]
Harry: Why ain't anyone comin' round Bubba? We ain't sold no splosions!
Bubba: My guess is we don't have any them streamers. You know, dem red and white ones? We make it all patriotical and snazzy up round in here, on account of the ferth of Jule-I.
Harry: Hey, quiet up now. Here comes er first custmer!
[Customer enters the tent]
Bubba: You lookin' for dem splosions?
Customer: Oh, excuse me. I thought you were selling those delightful snow drops in here.
Bubba: DEM WHAT?! Nope. We got splosions. We been callin' em' "fireworks", even though some of em' don't really work.
Customer: Now why would I need some of your so called fireworks?
Harry: You know... ya set em up in front of yer house and all the neighbers all come out and here em... BANG, BANG!
Customer: And why would I want to do that?
Harry: To get your neighbers, you know, talkin' bout you and yer splosions. Evrybuddy round come look at yer splosions.
Customer: Oh, I see. Are they legal?
Bubba: Youbetcha der legal. Even ask dem sharrif.
Customer: [Picks one up] And what is this one called?
Bubba: Just named dat one myself, just now. Dings called a "bottle rocket". Ya gotta tape it der and then ya stick in a bottle and it'll shoot up like one of dem astro-notter things, but without the Tang.
Customer: How much is it?
Harry: We give ya dozen for say... five bucks.
Customer: Sounds reasonable. [Picks up another] And what are these?
Bubba: [Thinking hard] I'm gonna call dat one der a "black cat". It does nuttin but BANG, BANG, BANG all da time... kinda like dat black cat dat lives hind my house der.
Harry: Oh yeah. And try and put one of dem in dis cardberd tank I just made with dees scissors her. You could have yerselves a little backyard war.
Customer: I see. What else you got?
Bubba: [Clearly just making stuff up now.] We got dem Roman Candles, Screaming Mimis, Lady Fingers, Fuzz Buttles, Snicker Bombs, Church Burners, Finger Blasters, Gut Busters, Zippity Do Das, Crap Flappers, Whistling Bungholes, Spleen Splitters, Whisker Biscuits, Honkey Lighters, Husker Doos, Husker Don'ts, Cherry Bombs, Nipsy Daisers (with or without the scooter stick), and a single whistling kitty chaser.*
Customer: Wow! Very impressive. How much for the whole lot of them?
Harry: We'd give you all dem splosions for four hundred fitty bucks.
Customer: And you say my neighbors will love me.
Harry: De eat you up. Youda man. Even dem housewives will come runnin'.
Customer: I'll take them.
[As customer is walking out...]
Harry: Like lightin' his cash up in flames.
Bubba: Hot dang, dem are big splosions we sell to that sucker there.
Harry: Yep Bubba, he probably be setten his house on fie.
Bubba: You got somedin that we could sell him dat puts out fies?
Harry: No... just that can of old flour overder.
Bubba: And I got that big canteen with da squirty handle.
Harry: You thinkin what I thinkin?
Bubba: HEY DER CUSTOMER, COME ON BACK NOW! YOU GONNA NEED SOMEDIN SO YOUR HOUSE DON'T BURN DOWN!
Harry: Too late man. Hey, do you wanna get on dem streamers?
Bubba: What da colors again?
*List of fireworks actually obtained from the movie Joe Dirt.