Saturday, July 10, 2010
Saturday Graph: Our Tupperwear Drawer Over Time & Day 3 of Project "Smelly Pits"
I had a dream last night about my deodorant.
I opened my bathroom cabinet and it started speaking to me. The cap was flapping up and down as it spoke and it started pleading for me to start applying it on my pits again. Another important note is that the deodorant's voice was that of Pauly Shore's and it clearly had had breast implants. (There was no way that they could have been real; they were clearly well beyond the size of what normal deodorant breasts would be.)
When I woke up, my sheets were soaked with sweat - ironic on several levels - and I was trembling in fear. I panicked and performed a 3:00 AM sprint into my bathroom to find my deodorant stick sitting right where I had left it, voiceless and breastless.
But I digress...
One of my beloved commenters made an astute point yesterday: If I depend on strangers to tell me that I stink, they will not tell me I stink. I refer to this phenomenon as the "Abe-Stank Paradigm".
Therefore, I call upon you - real life people that I actually see on a daily basis - to inform me on a daily basis as to my stank factor. I urge you not be nervous or ashamed to approach me on this topic, this is something I want and need to know. The results of this experiment must be valid and only you can validate me.
I'll raise my arms for you, all you need to do is ask.
In the meantime, no one said a word about my supposed stench today, but here is the thing: There is a mysterious, funk odor running through our house today and I am the only one that can smell it. It's a foul scent, much like a dog's breath or rotten milk, or rotten milk mixed with dog breath. I don't think this rancidity is my doing, but there is really no way to be sure.
Until I can figure this mystery out, I will happily sit on my couch, soaked in my own filth and watch something called "Karate Dog" with my 102 degree'd 4 year old son. A son that, by the way, just looked up at me and said, "Dad, Karate Dog is AWESOME!"