Thursday, July 1, 2010

An open letter from Jacob the Sexy Werewolf Boy

An open letter from Jacob the werewolf to all of his more "mature" female fans.

Dear women over the age of 21,

I am very grateful that Abe has allowed me use of his blog to reach out to you.  He is a good, handsome and incredibly smart mortal man that cares about the well being of shirtless teenage werewolves everywhere.

I am here to ask you women one simple request: ENOUGH WITH THE OGLING AND THE WHISTLES AND THE PSYCHO LOVE LETTERS... IT'S GETTING OLD AND IT'S GETTING CREEPY!

I am 17 years old.  17!!! Wherever I go, you old chicks are totally cramping my style with your staring and drooling. It's kinda disgusting actually.

You know who else is 17?  Miley Cyrus.  Yep, 17... and you KNOW you would smack your husband in the pancreas  if you ever caught him gawking at her underaged body.

I know that some of you think that I'm just ASKING for it by going shirtless and displaying my perfectly crafted boy pecks. Well, here's the thing: I've TRIED putting on a shirt.  I've even TRIED putting on metal armor.  No matter what kind of clothing I put over these luscious pubescent abs, they just MELT OFF MY BODY, on account of my overwhelming sexiness.

(Pants will actually stay on me because my legs look like Clay Aiken's, only slightly hairier.  For that, I am grateful.)

I get that it is hard not to look, but do you really have to talk about me like I am a piece of prime meat?  Whenever I overhear one of your pathetic, middle-aged cougar conversations about my dark, urban handsomeness, it makes me REALLY uncomfortable.  

Do you realize what it's even like to go through puberty as a half-boy, half-wolf? Most boys get freaked out by a few new armpit hairs.  I have armpit hair growing out of my armpit hair!

I promise you, I really am not all that alluring and mysterious.  I spend most of my time watching Dr. Oz or Teen Wolf II. (I only wish I could dunk a basketball like that... or surf on top of a custom van.)

Besides it being against the law and somewhat sickening, there are a multitude of reasons you don't want to be with me: 

1. I have to do three circles before I get into bed. 
2. I have the hardest time not eating my own vomit. 
3. I am not housebroken.
4. I could maim or kill you. (On account that I am a werewolf)
5. Do you like the smell of wet dog?
6. Did I mention that I could kill you at any second?
7. I listen to a lot of Snoop.  
8. I have the legs of Clay Aiken.

Plus, Bella needs me. I am her best friend.  I help her fix motorcycles.  I give her shirtless kisses in the rain and protect her from that pale sicko with the shiny scales.

Really, I promise, I am not interested in you older ladies.  Wolves and cougars are not a good mix anyway.  I think that I will stick to girls my age named Bella.  I helped her fix a motorcycle. 

17, motorcycles, boy-pecks, rain kisses.

I appreciate your understanding.  You may now go back to swaddling your tee shirt with the picture of me on it in your creepy, old lady bosoms.

But please, go see Eclipse!  And go Team Jacob!  

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go cliff diving with my buddies.

Regards, 

Jacob, Sexy Werewolf Boy

75 comments:

Gigi said...

I have not read or seen any of the Twilight stuff...I don't "get" it but this gave me a great laugh!

Shell said...

He's 18 now. Does that make it better?

I seriously felt like a dirty old woman drooling over him in the second movie. I could be his mom. I would have had to have him as a really young teenager, but still- it's possible. And dirty.

But, I still drool. Shhh, don't tell my husband. B/c I would kick his ass if he drooled over Miley. That's just gross.

FluffyChicky said...

Legs of Clay Aiken?! Awesome!

And I would totally smack The Husband in the pancreas if he was oogling Miley Cyrus.

Joan said...

I don't get it either. I find it creepy that women my age are nutty over these boys. Icky...

blueviolet said...

Oh my gosh, you're probably right...he probably does think it's a little creepy!

Katie's Dailies said...

My husband SHOCKED me yesterday morning by announcing he wanted to check out the first DVD of this vampire madness and watch it this weekend!

Thank goodness for Red Box.

Cruella Collett said...

Hahahaha, oh, this was so timely! Thank you for finally letting Jacob speak his mind. It must be difficult for him to be heard in between his shirts melting off his body and dealing with having Clay Aiken's legs. Whomever Clay Aiken may be - he is not famous in Norway. Either that or I forget because I am under the influence of the werecurse. I think I heard something (Jacob?) howl outside my window. Oh, wait, it was just a vuvuzuela.

C'est La Vie said...

so i can assume by your knowledge you have seen Eclipse, no? it was better than the first two at least right?

i loved the bosoms part lol

Tracie said...

This is genius!

PS Team Edward!

PPS He's legal.

Mamma has spoken said...

I have sons older than him, it's just odd to look at him that way!

Krista said...

Don't worry Jacob, I think of you as a son, too. I find it a little creepy for women to ogle over boys, too. Still a little creeped out by Ashton and Demi.

Jason, as himself said...

FYI: Jacob (Taylor) lives less than two miles from my house, and my daughter went to high school with him. I have restrained myself from drooling over him because of that. Oh, and because I like grown-up men.

The Jacob "sightings" around here are quite a topic of discussion!

Beth Zimmerman said...

Clay Aiken called. He wants his legs back!

lisleman said...

being a werewolf makes you more approachable then?
Being an old guy, I think they (Hollywood) ruined werewolves and vampires forever with this series.

Does the vampire guy even suck any blood in this movie?

The last good werewolf movie was "An American Werewolf in London".

Nancy C said...

The eating of vomit is foul, but he luckily is incapable of staining a shirt. Does he sniff butts?

Noelle said...

I'm more of an Edward fan myself...but this was hilarious! :)

-stephanie- said...

I have no idea who this is but thank you for posting a picture. Hearing that he is 18 now, mmm mmm mmm!

I had to vote twice on your cookie poll. If I get Oreo's they need to be crunchy. If I get Choc Chip, they have to be soft. Is that cheating?

Kristina P. said...

I'm pretty sure I wrote this as my last Facebook status, during the last movie. Seriously, it's creepy.

DeNae said...

Gosh, CB, you sure do know a lot about that sexy teenage boy.

And why do I seem to be the only person equally creeped out by the fact that, while Edward may look and act 17, he's actually, like, 150?

Are we to understand that it's all right for an obsessive predator to go after a young girl as long as he looks and acts younger than he really is?

TS Hendrik said...

I'm ever so grateful for the clay aiken legs. lol

MiMi said...

Jacob, I am over 21 years old...and I think you're hawt. But I never sent you letters and I don't scream at you. So nah na nah na nah naaaaah.
So? I'm over 21, but nobody said I'm mature.

tammy said...

Dear Jacob,

I feel your pain. I have 80 year old men after me all the time! It's creeping me out.

Baby Sister said...

Lol. Good thing I'm all about the Edward side of things...

Teachinfourth said...

Jacob, you and I seem to have the same problem. Sometimes the adoration seems just a bit too much, doesn't it?

But then again, I don't chew up the furniture.

Saimi said...

Give me a minute, I'm still laughing.......Ok, I fit in thie old lady catergory, but at least I don't drool over a teenwolf. It's that Vampire Edward that has me smitten! He has centuries of maturity over the vomit eating half boy/half dog.

Go Team Edward!

Saimi said...

Oh, by the way...Thanks for the follow!!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Thanks for stating the obvious - it's creepy!

Jess said...

laughing my butt off....

I so fit in the older lady category..(only because Im over 21)... but so NOT in the cougar category....

Yes I realize its a bit creepy to be so eye candy gaga over Jacob AND edward for that matter... HOWEVER.... some of us do realize that while the eye candy is fun to look at... there is no bosom scrunching of shirts or other twilight propaganda here... AND really... I love the series for the story line... the characters being hot in the movies... thats just bonus... lmbo...

THis was great!! =)

Terresa said...

Fab post. Still haven't seen Eclipse yet. Waiting for my gaggle of old, bosom bodied gf's to get our day planners out (erm, I mean I phones) and plan an evening out. Go Team Jacob!!

Cherie said...

This was SOOOO Funny!
I am a huge Twilight series fan but can honestly say I have never looked at this boy in a lustful way. That would be sick and I truly laugh at my friends who do and remind some of them that they have 17 year old sons.
I bet his mother is mortified sometimes! LOL

Deidra said...

I like how as Bella's best friend, it is his duty to give her shirtless kisses in the rain. :)

skcoe said...

Dammit. I'm a creepy old lady cougar.

Thanks for pointing that out. Freak.

Julia said...

How do you know all this??
Were you at the Midnight showing? I didn't see you there.
LOVE this post.
It's Team Jacob all the way.

Marlene said...

Heeheehee!!!

Laughed out loud.

(Pssst...he's 18, by the way. LEGAL!)

Lisa said...

One of the few women/girls out there that is NOT a fan of the Twilight series. Never read the books and have no interest in the movies.

BUT, I agree with you Jacob - those women are NASTY.

You do look good, though. :)

Just SO said...

I am sending this to my husband. He will love it. Brilliant.

I will go and see Eclipse but probably after it hits the dollar theater and there are no screaming grandmas. Gah.

T said...

says the boy who "imprinted" on a fetus... yeah - whatever.

okay, so I read the books... but haven't seen the latest movie.

and Taylor - you'll always be Shark Boy to me... that's better than a cold shower or Clay Aiken legs any day.

Donda said...

OMG THIS IS HUHH-LAIR-EEEE-US! Please give me permission to link this to my fb, so the werewolf lovin girls on my list can rethink their stance LOL

Amy said...

As long as Jacob doesn't act like Clay Aiken, I'm okay with the legs.

Besides, I'm into Edward and I can totally drool him because his age is 109.

Ally said...

All I can think of when I see this kid is him in that Cheaper By The Dozen movie. Not sure why. I still think RPattz is much hotter and I am a total Twilight-hater.

One Cluttered Brain said...

LOL!!
*sigh* I still think Jacob looks good with his shirt off...

But you make some great points...

Shell said he is 18 now..so it is ok to drool a bit...He is legal..:)

Love this creative post! ;)

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

*snort* Awesome.

W.C.Camp said...

I liked the 1st Twilight movie though I'm not quite sure why? I like the Jacob kid because his Abs. remind me of my Chins! Hope that hair growing out of hair does not happen to me and as for the vomit chow - YUUUCH!? W.C.C.

Mr. Stupid said...

Hi Jacob. I hardly know you as I have never watched your movies. I am sorry if the movie guys didn't buy you a shirt. You'll have one, soon...

Awesome post, Cheeseboy. This was hilarious.

Aunt of 14 said...

I can't say anything. I'm speechless with laughter!!

Bumpkin on a Swing said...

You had to know this would be my Friday leave you with a laugh.
Here linking you up now.
How have you been?
Thanks for all your recent support!

Heather and Jake said...

Don't ask me why, but for some reason it's more acceptable for women to drool over cute guys, whether it be Edward and Jacob from Twilight, or the cute guys on the Bachelorette. But Jake always says "If I were to sit and watch 20scantily clad women on the Bachelor, you would throw a fit!" It's true. I don't know why it's different. :) Ask Cathi. And I did laugh over the part where Jacob said he circles 3 times before going t bed...haha.

Emmy said...

Best post ever! And I am a huge Twilight fan but still love it. But just admit it, you are just jealous of how hot he is ;)

Melinda said...

Old lady bosoms!! hahahahaha

I'm okay because I only have a Team Edward shirt, right?

Pat said...

This is hysterical. I've got to read this to my daughter, who is a Twilight fan. Me? I'm on team "who gives a flying leap."

Martha said...

Yes, he's 17 y/o and a high school student from our little burg. Great post!

Dayna said...

I guess I do feel kinda wierd drooling over Shark Boy (from Shark Boy & Lava Girl, yes I do own it, and yes it was for my then 7 year old daughter). But come on...the boy grew up and is HOTTT!!!!

That letter was hilarious!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

But Jacob, you sexy werewolf boy, you didn't mention any of this the other night. You also said that the 30-ish year age difference was appealing. I just don't know what to do with myself. Please reconsider.
I'm still in love with you.
-Clay Aiken

ScoMan said...

He's only 17?

He must have been doing 5000 situps a day since he was one.

Jillybean said...

I haven't read any of these books, nor have I seen the movies.

Does this Jacob guy have some sort of a shirt allergy?

Jillybean said...

Or does he go shirtless to distract attention away from his Clay Aiken legs.

Powdered Toast Man said...

That was excellent. Superb writing. Too bad Jacob wrote it and I can't give you any credit.

jayayceeblog said...

Your 8 reasons are absolutely hilarious!!! You have me "howling" with laughter.

Mary said...

One of your best yet!! I wouldn't smack my husband in the pancreas...no...he'd get a flying elbow to the spleen, no matter what age the girl is ;o)

FabuLeslie said...

My mom just started reading the series. I haven't and I don't intend to. True Blood works well enough for me, and that fills my werewolf/vampire/not-of-this-world quota. Thanks, Jacob.

CB-funny stuff!

ModernMom said...

Sorry, but I am one of those women ummm well over the age of 21 who just doesn't get the obsession. I must be really old.

Karen said...

Not a fan of the movie, but your post made me laugh. Love the walk in a circle 3 times before getting into bed.

Have a happy and safe 4th.

Vagabond Teacher said...

Alas, Jacob, while I would have chosen you over Edward for Bella, you're just not for me. I don't find you attractive. If you'd like to discuss it, I'll be next door at The A-Team drooling over shirtless Bradley Cooper.

Rachel said...

Hee hee!

I'm not a Twihard, but live close enough to Forks that I cannot escape the constant chatter about the series... Thanks for this letter!

Did the author say they were kinda freaked by how many middle-aged women were going nuts over the story that was written for TEENS?

Loved chuckling through this letter.

Sco said...

Great post! How true about the double-standard on eye candy. I'd be dead meat if I commented on, say, Agent Sarah Walker in Chuck. Ouch.

I also don't understand why several women also thought the scene in the first book / movie was sexy when the vampire snuck into her room and watched her sleep. And then they made out once up there. Huh? There's a name for that, and it's not "sexy."

Marla said...

"You may now go back to swaddling your tee shirt with the picture of me on it in your creepy, old lady bosoms."

OMG.....I can't breathe!!! Stop!!!

Venassa said...

Ahhh.. this is the best post ever.

Jax said...

I'm totally Team Edward as I am in love with the danger part of him and I'm not thaaat much older than 21, but let me just say that if Jacob were to need to ever carry me anywhere, I'm all about leaping up into his arms and allowing him the pleasure.

DEZMOND said...

I'm a bit scared by the fact that you know so many details about the TWILIGHT plot ;P

Speaking of Taylor Lautner, I've just published a news over at HOLLYWOOD SPY, about him possibly leaving his werewolf ways and going Cyclops in X-MEN FIRST CLASS :)

M-Cat said...

Ummm, I actually LIKE the smell of wet dogs.

But can.NOT! stand anything Twilight related.

Dumb, dumb and DUMB!

Lisa Loo said...

{Snort}

What is this Twilight thing you speak of and who is Clay Aiken and why are his legs so funny?

Sausage Fingers said...

I was punched in the pancreas, ouch it hurts like a bugger. No need to mention what I was looking at..

mintifresh said...

Freakin brilliant! Thank you!

Corrina Terry said...

Yet another fantastic blog posting! How do you do it?

I have to tell ya---As a middle school teacher I purposefully chose to root for Team Edward. My female students all argued with me that Jacob was hotter. I told them he may be hotter, but he's underage for me. The guy playing Edward is in his 20's. That would only make me a cougar mama, not a pedophile! ;o) Go team Edward!!!

Tree said...

Is it wrong that I am an "old" chick and have no clue how Jacob the Werewolf Boy is?! LOL He does look pretty hot....but come on! He's 17!!