Saturday, May 8, 2010

I was "manscaped" yesterday and I feel so violated.

"Teacher Appreciation Week 2010" will go down in the sands of time as the year that I, Cheeseboy, waxed painful.

The theme this year for Teacher Appreciation Week was "Celebratory Salon" or "Salon-A-Thon" or "Salon-E-Sandwich". As is often the case, I forget the technical name for it.

Sign up sheets went up on Tuesday in the teacher's lounge and I was given three choices: arm massage, foot massage or eyebrow wax. (There may have also been an option of "arm massage... by foot", but that sounded gross and I am not that desperate for physical touch.)

I bet you can't guess which option I chose. I'll give you three guesses. There are only three options, so unless you are a contestant on 'Celebrity Jeopardy', you are bound to get the right answer eventually.

Did you take your first guess? I'm sorry, that is incorrect.

The answer is quite obvious, my blogger buddies - being that I am a gorilla of Jewish decent with an overactive hair hormone problem, I chose the eyebrow wax.

I was the only man in the school music/day spa room that day and because of this, I sat proudly. The young spa treatment ladies gathered round me and asked what grade I teach. I responded with "first" and all six of them, as if on cue, let out a collective, "ahhh".

It's rare, but occasionally being a male first grade teacher can be pretty darned magnificent.

By now, a few of my female colleagues had gathered round me to watch as I would have my facial hair torn out by the roots. I could see them cringe a little as each dabble of hot wax on my brow was ripped off.

Surprisingly, my pain was very minimal. It was almost as if my uni-brow had been patiently waiting all these many years to be man-groomed in such a way. The treatment took less than 5 minutes and I had been allotted 15.

"Would you like anything else done?" asked the fetching, brunette with the short hair.

"What do you got?" I replied, feeling rather arrogant about my ability to take pain at the time.

She responded, "Something that is rather popular with men is a nose hair waxing."

I was intrigued.

The other teachers were more intrigued.

Never one to back down from a challenge, I triumphantly balked, "LET'S DO THIS!"

I'd like to say that the other teachers yelled and applauded, but they just stood with stunned but interested looks on their faces.

The wax felt warm and soothing in the inside of my nostril. The stick did not.

- 30 seconds passed and the wax hardened. -

Spunky spa lady returned and asked if I was ready. I nodded and clenched my fists.

I told Miss Waxy that I was having some very bad visions of the scene in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin". Spunky spa diva assured me that the reason that he was in so much pain in that movie is because the waxing was done incorrectly.

That did not make me feel better. Not even a little.

Before I could even respond, she yanked down on the stick as hard as she could.

Out popped a hair mass the size of a hairball. I yelped a little.

The women around me...

SCREAMED!!!

I am not positive, but I am pretty sure one of the women said, "Abe, did you have a cat up your nose?"

Very funny.

Spazzy spa gal returned and said with a smirky smile...

"That's one. You ready for the other?"

With tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, I asked...

"Is it too late to get that arm massage by foot?"

69 comments:

Bumpkin on a Swing said...

Loved this.... hilarious cheese, I was laughing so hard, the second one's a b*tch ain't it? Now you are more acutely aware of the pain we women suffer in the vain effort for beauty. Next I think you should endure a romantic stroll along the boardwalk in a pair of 5 inch heels, yes, your wife says, Payback!

Lisa said...

Blahahahahaha -- that nose hair waxing is so gross - but so funny, too! I applaud your willingness to get waxed in front of a group of ladies. YOU GO BOY! :O)

Ally said...

This is awesome! It's funny, the very first time I had my brows waxed they did hurt and they promised me the more I went, the less I would notice the pain, it's so true :)

My brother was manscaped for his wedding - we have serious eye brow issues in our family :(

FourthGradeNothing.com

The Empress said...

oh em gee..did you bleed, too?

Teachinfourth said...

You are a much braver man than I…

I would have skipped the treatment altogether.

Just call me a wuss.

quinn and kristi said...

Abe! I can not believe you did this!! Way to go! You truly are a manly man. oh and thanks for sharing. I was laughing so hard!!!
on a side note I don't mind you putting a link to my blog on your page. I am so excited that people are reading your blog so much! It is hilarious!

ScoMan said...

I think you should have left the second one in there, partly to lower your pain intake for the day, but also because it's a bit different.

Nobody else is doing it, you'll be unique.

mintifresh said...

That was almost as good as being there to see it live!

-stephanie- said...

Yuk, never heard of nose waxing. But I did laugh at the way you described your appreciation gift. Any ladies line up for that treatment? ;o)

Mamma has spoken said...

Thanks for awesome laugh! All my sons do manscape of the unobrow. The first time it was fun to watch when she rip the cloth off. Now it's nothing.
I would have gone for the foot massage. It's the best part of a peddy!

Mr. Stupid said...

Very brave. Good to know that you survived the whole waxing thing. Maybe the next time we chat, we can talk about waxing eyebrows... hehe

Stay away from the Spa lady... LOL

Marion Williams-Bennett said...

Yikes.
Brave.
Really Brave.

do things smell different without all that nose hair?

Lindsay @ Just My Blog said...

I can't decide if you're brain-damaged or brave! I can't believe you did that...in front of people. People that you have to see every day!! I'm kind of impressed.

Middle Aged Woman said...

I am picturing you with one hairy nostril now. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Glad we met! You are in my reader as of now.

Writing Without Periods! said...

I bet you look fab. How nice of your school to do that. And you are so funny! Ouch to the ch.
Mary

baygirl32 said...

As soon as I read nose waxing, I instinctively held me breath. OUCH!

Kristina P. said...

Maybe you and my husband can have a spa date, filled with wzxing and pedicures.

Everyday Goddess said...

Nose waxing?? My legs are enough for me, and I still haven't gotten up the courage for a Brazilian.

To be waxed in front of an audience takes balls. You win!

Jason, as himself said...

Oh, you made me laugh. What a good sport you are, especially to have it done in front of all of those other teachers! I've never had anything waxed; I do all of my own manscaping the old fashioned way. That nose hair waxing must have hurt like a mother trucker.

FabuLeslie said...

I'd say you should ask for a nose massage now. And maybe a brow massage too. I'm sure your wife can take care of that at home in peace. Funny story!

Joan said...

Nose hair wax? You are brave, brave, brave! Fills my eyes with tears to even imagine. =)

tammy said...

And you didn't get it on video? What kind of blogger are you?

Petsitgal said...

You are hilarious and I love your blog! I think you are an amazingly talented writer and I am glad I found you through a chance click on "It's a Cherry World" and I saw your gadget thing and clicked again. Very happy to meet you!
-April the pet sitter-

Beth said...

Where was Paige Davis (aka Paige Page) with the video camera when we needed her?

Katie's Dailies said...

I CRINGED when I read about your second waxing and may have yelped a little along with all the other female teachers gathered round. I didn't even KNOW something like that EXISTED! OUCHHHHHH!!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

You are either incredibly brave or extremely crazy, or both.
xoRobyn

VKT said...

You are absolutely hilarious!!!!!! I am laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. This is so darn funny. Great post.....!!!!!!!!!

Bossy Betty said...

You are a man today!!!!

Jess said...

ahahahahahahahaa....

Sheesh... you are brave!!

I too want to know if things smell different/better without all that hair in your nose.... lmbo...

MiMi said...

I had visions of The 40 Year Old Virgin while reading this too.
Yuck. A cat in your nose. Haha!
I would NEVER let my nostrils be waxed.

Terry said...

Oh Man...you are one brave soul! Kudos to you! Did it leave any scabs? Nose scabs are the worst....

The Church Lady said...

I applaud you for being brave and a good sport! My hubby has hair wings on his back and I once removed them with wax. He screamed so loud and I nearly peed my pants from laughing so hard! He has a unibrow too!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I hope it doesn't itch when the hair in your nose grows back. Yikes!

You are one brave man!

Have a great week. I hope your wife had a wonderful Mother's Day.

Just SO said...

I would have screamed along with all the other women. Nose hair waxing just seems wrong. You are a brave, brave man.

Do things smell better today with all of that hair out of the way?

Unknown Mami said...

AHHHHHHHHH! I'm screaming right now. Are you insane? Next time leave the kitty in your nose or do you have something against pussies?

Dean Walker said...

Very funny but also painful as i have a small amount of knowledge as to what it feels like...2 thumbs up for going through this in public...!!!

Farmers Wifey said...

You forgo a foot massage...what is WRONG with you.....you did this only to give us a funny post. God bless you.

järnebrand said...

Yay... Let's do this! :) Haha... You are funny. Pain is funny, or at least it can be funny. Afterwards. :) Thank you for sharing. /Jo.

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Oh, you poor, brave man! Thanks for the laugh! Glad you got that cat out of your nose!

Have a great week!

Abby said...

That was marvelous. PLEASE tell me you got the other nostril done. I can't stand things that are uneven.

If you're into humorous male waxing stories, perhaps you'd be a fan of the great and quasi-famous Eric D. Snider, humor columnist and movie critic. Please for you to enjoy: http://www.ericdsnider.com/snide/reigning-like-julius-tweezer/

Also, if you're interested in how his tweezing obsession progressed after a year and its deadly, deadly consequences, here's his follow-up:http://www.ericdsnider.com/snide/papa-was-a-swollen-stone

Why yes, I am a fan of Eric D. Snider. What of it?

tiburon said...

I have never heard of nose hair waxing - but I FOR SURE would have skipped it.

I also would have paid to be there...

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I SO wish we taught together. That would have made my YEAR!

Aunt of 14 said...

What?! I've never heard of nosehair waxing?!!! O.U.C.H.!.!

That might be the equivalent in pain as childbirth.

Wait, what if you had booger stuck in your nosehairs? Is that why they screamed?

Kate said...

I'm really disappointed because I'm providing the waxing services at a little facial waxing party this week and I really wanted Cheeseboy to attend. Congrats on your first manscaping! Just don't let it go too far.

Alice in Wonderland said...

I've never heard of nose waxing, but I would never be that brave enough to have it done!
My husband used to trust me enough to let me cut the hair that grew there and in his ears though, and I never once cut him, but he discovered while we were in Spain that barbers usually go this by putting a cotton ball, soaked in methylated spirit in said ear, then burning them! It actually took ages for the hair to grow back, and he always said that it never hurt!

Alicia said...

NO!!! you didn't!!! my eyes are watering just thinking about it! you're a trooper cheeseboy. i would have loved to see that!

Melinda said...

Oh I LOVED this! I just got my eyebrows waxed this weekend and the little asian lady was really worried about how red my skin was, she told me how embarrassed I should be! hahaha Whatever. I didn't get all my nose hairs ripped out, I'm good. ;)

(p.s. How do you get female "colleges" to gather round you. I didn't know college's had genders...) ;)

Diane J. said...

Oh my gosh, this is so hilarious!

I bet the kids were devastated that they didn't get to witness that event. You know how young boys just get a thrill out of this stuff.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

The tears are welling up in my eyes as I painfully attempt not to burst into a fit of rolling on the floor laughter.
You the man!

lindsey v said...

That would cause the eye to water, I would imagine.

But where is the picture of your now pencil thin eyebrows?

rachel... said...

I didn't even know such a thing as nose-hair waxing existed. And you do know you have to keep up with those manscaped brows now, don't you?

smArtee said...

Oh My...what pain...I know how much it hurts if I even have a small lil pimple or something in there...you poor thing..!I def would have chosen the massage...and now you deserve one...on second thought, my hubs could use one of those...he has a cat or two in his nostrils too...!

Unknown Mami said...

I linked to you AGAIN!

Copyboy said...

Dude, way to take one for all us males. Really $#$#@ funny!!!

Claire said...

Manscaped..lol! Lets get you 300 followers so you can take a (sound ONLY) recorder in to get your man junk waxed..THEN we can talk!!! ;)

Claire said...

PS-
Aww.. I know those girls ( I mean, not them specifically but them in general, of teenage girls..) and thats pretty awesome you went in =)
With all these waxing posts I've been reading, I may have to tell mine, hope I wont lose followers if I do, haha!!

lisleman said...

came over from Unknown Mami - I would definitely pass on this. Well OK if the waxy lady was really hot and nice maybe it would be worth it.

Lisa Loo said...

The only thing I wax is...philosophical. I will add your little story to my book that I use to remind myself WHY I just say no.
You have the best life experiences and fab story telling skillz--I have started putting on my depends BEFORE I pop over here.

onlyoublog said...

OMG - I can't believe you went for the nostrils! Well, I guess there are worse places. Ouch! Great post :-)

Tammy said...

Where's a picture of YOU?

Kelly H-Y said...

No way! You are very brave! Hilarious post!

Sco said...

Yowzah. You could probably breathe free and clear afterwards, my friend. Hopefully the bleeding stopped after a few minutes. And that chica knew she had you - how could you say no in front of all those women? Did you follow it up with something like "Wow - inhaling Nair did nothing for me."

mama-face said...

When I saw the title 'manscaped' I was more than a little relieved to read that you were only talking about your eyebrows. And the nose...bwahaha.

I've heard the 'mancscaped' term used for other areas. that's all I'm saying.

Aunt Juicebox said...

ROFL My eyes are watering just thinking about your poor nose.

Tracy said...

I love that you went for the nose hair waxing, too! Brave but maybe a little insane. Thanks for the good laugh.

I found you on my sister's blog Living Life in PA and thought I'd take a peek. Glad I did.

Loretta Valenta said...

I am stunned that you did the nostrils willingly! I'm thinking you'll do ANYTHING for a blog post!:)

imbeingheldhostage said...

I had visions of convincing my husband that all cool guys get their brows waxed but then you had to go do the nose. He'll never let me and my wax stick near him now.

~j. said...

the problem is that she asked if you were ready. My esthetician just SURPRISES me. It's the worst. And worth it.

ASBLACKASOBAMA said...

That's so funny!

My wife is dying to pluck my eyebrows.... She says I have the eyebrows of a mad scientist.... Sometimes I think I can feel her hovering over me with a pair of tweezers while I'm sleeping....