Thursday, May 27, 2010

How the "Old Lady that Swallowed the Fly" really went down.

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly.  I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE SWALLOWED THAT FLY!

Old Lady: Oh my, oh my, oh my.  I think I just swallowed a fly.

Daughter: Mom, for the last time,  you didn't swallow a fly.  Did you take your meds this morning?

Old Lady: This time I am serious.  I yawned while I was driving my Harley.

Daughter: Mom, you don't even own a Harley. 

Old Lady: I am 96 years old.  I will own a Harley if I want to.

Now, I need a spider and quick!

Daughter: Noooo!  Mom, don't do iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

Old Lady: [Gulp] 

Daughter: How many times do I have to tell you that the spider will not catch the fly?

Old Lady: But I like the way it wriggles and wiggles and tickles inside me.

Daughter: I am pretty sure that wasn't even a spider mom.  That actually could have been my bracelet.

Old Lady: Now, where are my birds?

Daughter: You ate them all, mom.

Old Lady: All of them? I did?

Daughter: Mom, this is the 16th "fly" you have "swallowed" in the last month.

Old Lady: Feathers... is DEAD?!

Daughter: Yes mom. You ate her yesterday.  Remember, you had to go to the ER because the talons?

Old Lady: But you said you could hear her tweeting?

Daughter: No, I said I tweeted that my mom is eating all our pets. 

Old Lady: I don't know what that means. I'm tired.  I am a tired old lady.

Daughter: Why are you putting your shoe on your head?

Old Lady: I am trying to go home.  It's broth for you and your siblings tonight.  Then you are getting a sound whipping!

Daughter: Mom, I am 68 years old and an only child.

Old Lady: Don't you talk to me like that.  I am your mother.

40 comments:

Saimi said...

OK, so we're seriously gonna have to read your version of the story to our preschoolers, the rest of the staff would appreciate greatly!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

How to mess up your child in five minutes or less!

Writing Without Periods! said...

Love it! Kids will flip!
Mary

mintifresh said...

So was that the "E! True Hollywood" story behind the storybook? ;)

W.C.Camp said...

Honestly Mr. Cheeseboy I'm very concerned that the 'Spider Defamation League' will take issue with your representation of their membership as spontaneously turning into bracelets? Fortunately however, the AARP believes you have depicted society's elderly populous absolutely accurately. W.C.C.

The Church Lady said...

Great. Now I have to re-read the story. The old lady who swallowed a fly then swallowed the spider to catch the fly...right? I forget what happens next.

tiburon said...

It's about time the truth came out.

I am sick of people whitewashing over the past.

TS Hendrik said...

That story never made sense before. Thank you for clearing it up.

VKT said...

I love this version and am going to save it for next year. Too funny...as long as my students don't think I am the old lady in the story...lol

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

That song always creeped me out. Now, even moreso. But you did it justice, in the best of ways.
xoRobyn

Joann Mannix said...

I don't like the image of an old lady with talons in her digestive tract.

Have you taken a look at your numbers lately? You are about to rule the world, my friend.

Marlene said...

My dad used to sing this song to me all the time....(it was funnier when he was drunk).

Seriously - brilliant writing. Loved it.

What I want to know, though, is why your blog NEVER SHOWS UP on my dashboard, even though I'm a follower. Crud.

Pat Tillett said...

By jove, I believe you've just rewritten history...

Melissa@Suger Coat It said...

Haha. I picked weird! Mostly because this was a little left field.

Loved it. BTW. Really loved it.

Marnie said...

I like your version better :0)

Connie said...

Wow, she really is old! So is her daughter!

Great rendition! Now we know.

Barbra Stephens said...

LOL!My kind of story....I'm glad I am not the only one that does things like that! Glad I found your blog....
I never was parcial to a teacher reading a story like a stale piece of toast. Nothing like a little cheese to spice it up....

Noelle said...

I seriously can't stop laughing...Can't. Stop. Laughing.

WHERE? HOW? Do you come up with this stuff? I ask it over and over again...

Good Work CB...good work.

Unknown Mami said...

I sound a lot like that old lady when I don't take my meds.

Kelly H-Y said...

Hilarious! How do you come up with this stuff?!

Gwei Mui said...

OMG it's a good job I'm not in any serious meetings today. Laugh, I couldn't stop. In fact I think, the old lady's British counter part lives on the floor below us. She doesn't have a Harley, but she does terrorise the neighbourhood with her shiny new mobility scooter.

Mamma has spoken said...

You must be doing the Old Lady who Swallowed ____________ Unit this week. I know that there are at least 10 versions on this topic because I have a collabrative teacher who uses them for a unit too.
The Christmas one is the best ;o)

ScoMan said...

I didn't even know you were related to the old lady who swallowed the fly, but you sound to know quite a lot about this.

I'm guessing she was your great great grandmother.

Farmers Wifey said...

Thank God you wrote that because I need some variations on the boring poetry around these days.....not sure if my 5 yr old will appreciate it though.

Kelly said...

I have no words..... That was too funny.

ModernMom said...

I always had trouble with that story!!

UnicycleRose said...

GREAT....another blogging teacher...I love it! That is a "touched" version of the classic old lady/fly story!

Watery Tart said...

*snickersnort* Very nice rendition there! And your name always makes me think of the Stinky Cheeseman book, which somehow seems a good fit with this iteration of this story...

Vanessa said...

You must spend all day with first graders.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Now? I am going to read this to my class.....!

Hutch said...

Where do you find the real stories? I wish our teachers hadn't filled us with lies!

tammy said...

This leaves me to wonder what other things they kept from us.

imbeingheldhostage said...

I like the twisted way your mind works, Cheeseboy. Very entertaining.

Aunt of 14 said...

Forget the kids-- *I* was entertained by your version! :)

The tweet part particularly cracked me up!

C'est La Vie said...

i think i like this version much much bette

im so happy you are a teacher right now, i wish i had teachers like you back in the day haha

sara

Lene said...

Dude...my kids are going to love this version!

MiMi said...

Your takes on all of these children's things are fantastic!!

sammy said...

do you ever make up stories to tell your kids?

i make up the weirdest stuff, on th espot, then cant remember what i made up because i was scrambling to keep them entertained for the duration of the story.

anyway, what i plan on doing now is posting a silly story, so i have it 'on file', then read them the story.

problem solved. thanks ; )

Powdered Toast Man said...

awesome, purely awesome.

I loved every word of it.

You should guest post for me one day, we can combine the cheese together and have 'Just the blog o' cheese'

Krista said...

Next thing you know she's going to be asking, "Where's the beef?"