Tuesday, May 4, 2010

My dream job: mechanical hippos with fluttering ears and the jokes they inspire.

Occasionally (and by "occasionally" I mean "never") I am asked, "Hey Mr. Cheeseboy, if you were not a teacher, what would your dream job be?

My response always takes these folks off guard with powerful potency: "Why that's easy... male model."

When they are done laughing, I respond with, "Ha ha, uh, I was, uh, just kidding. I suppose I'd really like to be a Disneyland Jungle Cruise Guide."

By golly, I love Disneyland. I'd take up residence with my family if I could; make a cozy home on the corner of Toon Town and Main.

AND By golly, I LOVE the Jungle Cruise - always have. I ride several times a visit simply to get a sense of the comic timing of the guide and any new jokes that might have been thrown into the mix since my last visit.

AND By golly, I'd be one of the most hysterical Jungle Cruise Guides in Disney Jungle Cruise history. People would flock to my boat with eyes as wide as that teacher gal on Glee for a simple opportunity to hear my buffoonery.

AND By golly, I even have an entire script of new jokes written for my guiding duties. Get a load of these beauties I've come up with:

- Welcome aboard everyone. Please don't sit near the rear of the raft. The last group must have had a pound of Swiss cheese for lunch and it is still lingering.

- Please step all the way to the front of the vessel where we will be having a special visit by Donald Duck later in the tour.
[I put my finger in my ear.]
What's that? Donald was eaten by crocodiles on the last go-through?
Sorry folks, I guess he forgot to duck.

- Oh no kids, I didn't mean to make you cry. Don't worry, they've frozen Donald's head and placed it in a freezer next to Walt's. So no worries, he'll be back when science has advanced to the point of reviving him.

- Oh, looky here at what we have coming around the corner. Looks like some sort of python hanging from a tree. Now folks this would be very frightening had I not known that this particular python is in fact, fake.

- Hold on everyone, I've always wanted to do this.
[I get on the very front of the boat and spread out my arms]
Wow that felt good. No worries everybody; I promise that this trip won't end the same way as that one did. And promise that I won't be posing topless while one of you draws me.

- WOW! Get your cameras out and look portside folks. You are not going to want to miss this!
Oh, you're not sure which side is portside?
Yeah, hold on for a second.
[I pull out a 'Jungle Cruise Guide for Dummies' book and start to thumb through it.]
Ah yes, here it is: portside. It's the left side. Look out the left side folks!
Oh, there's nothing there now? It's passed?
For future reference folks, portside is the left side. You might want to write that down for future reference.

- What a site we have up here on the BLINDSIDE folks.
[Everyone looks to their right.]
No, no... BLINDSIDE. Yes, that's right; it's Sandra Bullock winning an Oscar. Something we'd never thought we'd see in the wild.

- And look there!
[Point to the mechanical headhunter]
There's her X-Husband. He's on the prowl again. Always on the prowl...

- Here we are at the falls and of course we will be going behind them as that is where the mechanical track will take us.
If you look carefully, you'll be able to see the backside of water. (Some jokes can never change.) Not many people know this, but it was under these falls in this very spot that Tinkerbell took her first hit of fairy dust.

- Alright everyone, it looks like we have arrived. Please watch your step as you leave and remember kids: Just say no to fairy dust or you'll end up like Tinkerbell - shriveled, miniaturized and desperate.

I'd be such a natural.


Kristina P. said...

We just went to Disneyland last month. I really wanted to throw our tour guy over and let the fake hippos eat him.

You are much cooler.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

I'd hire you for the 'king of the world' moment alone.

Mr. Stupid said...

You would be a great Tour Guide. The last time I was at Disneyland, the guide wanted to make the tour a bit more entertaining. He said something and claimed it was a joke. I booed him. Seven times to be exact!

Get that job soon. I will be there just to see you as a guide...:)

Mamma has spoken said...

Uhm, and I was thinking don't quit your day job yet......
But then I've never been to Disneyland. In this part of the nation, we go to Disneyworld. No ride like that there last time I went.

järnebrand said...

I feel kinda sorry for Tinkerbell now...

Anonymous said...

Maybe you can work your way up to Disney - in Wisconsin Dells areas, maybe you could drive a "duck."

tammy said...

Guess where I'm headed tomorrow?


I'm printing this out and taking it with me just in case.

The Church Lady said...

Ha! Those jokes are cheesy, indeed! I have never been to Disney Land, only Disney World. Not sure they have a Jungle Cruise in FLA??

Ally said...

Dude, you'd be an awesome guide. Thing is, it's bawlz hot at Disney! Wait, maybe it's hotter in Florida and Cali. I dunno, but it's freakin' hot...


Emmy said...

Lol! Yes you really should have that job.

smArtee said...

I love love Disney World too...I would love for you to be our guide...these are very clever..are you sure you did'nt steal them from one of the former 'By Gollyers"..Im a bit suspicious....Lolol...
maybe you can retire to that job...love the Fairy Dust...Bwhahahah..!

Tree said...

You're hired! LOL And yes...the jokes are a bit cheesy, but that's to be expected. Love the Tinkerbell fairy dust comment! You already know what I would want to be, since you got a glimpse of my daydreams. :)

Nubian said...

If you were the tour guide I would resend on my Disney boycott and totally go to see you!

Writing Without Periods! said...

I'd love to do this job too. Any job in Disney would be "dream" for me.

Beth said...

I've never been to Disnay (anything) but I would totally go just to ride your tour boat! I think the King of the World moment would be worth it!

Susan Tipton said...

Edgey Disney. Just be sure to over-emote all your jokes.

Joann Mannix said...

I would hire you in a heartbeat.

We live around the corner from Disney World and unfortunately we go the Land of Meltdowns and Sweaty Tourists just about every other weekend.

I am sooo tired of the same schtick on that cruise. Some fresh fun would give it the kick in the ass it needs.

Oh, and by the way, I have a very bad Jungle Cruise story, one that typifies my days in the hell that is Disney World.

We were standing in the eternal line for the cruise. I, like most Americans, have a healthy sense of personal space. So, as I was just standing there, inching along, the man behind me kept inching closer and closer to me. I thought I was going to scream at his close proximity. And then, as if his closeness couldn't get any worse, I felt his leg hair UPON MY LEG. That is way too close, man. I used the code word of "Breather" to my husband that we use for Disney and he genteelly switched spots with me. When we got on the boat, the tired captain asked us where we were all from. The dude was of course from out of the country, Ireland, to be exact.

This is why I hate Disney.


I'm right across the way from DLand, and we go there often....

Last time we were there, one of the guides was telling us that there's a waiting list of people who want to become tour guides for that ride.... Where do I sign up?

We also had a teenager on the ride that tried to tell his own jokes while the guide was trying to give his commentary... He kept yelling punchlines at the guide.... Very disturbing....

Eric said...

Would it be fun to fly the skull and cross bones on the jungle tour? Or is that too much of a Pirates of the Caribbean crossover?

Katie's Dailies said...

I'd like to be on your tour boat, I know our daughter would--she has the same kind of humor, you'd get along famously!

Always wondered where Tink got all that energy!

Ms Bibi said...

Poor Sandra, that's cold,lol

Yes, Jungle Cruise is oh so cheesy.We will repeat it in September and no, Disneyland is not the Happiest Place on Earth....with my kids.

Melinda said...

And BY GOLLY, you'd be amazing!

Tammy said...

This is one of my least favorite Disney rides because they always have the same jokes! I love your duck joke! I'm pretty sure "King of the World" was done that last time I went but it was the only time we've had a good tour guide.

I wish my husband loved Disney as much as you do!

Sharon's New Life said...

I could see you leading that boat right now!
Thanks for having such a fabulous blog!
I'm giving you an award and you can find it at http://scfitz1972.blogspot.com/2010/05/versatile-award.html
Thanks for sharing all you do!

VKT said...

I have never been to Disneyland. Its on the other side of the world from me...lol. The guide job would be easier than teaching, thats for sure. Have a great evening Cheesie one!

MiMi said...

All this does is make me want to go to Disneyland again. Stupid tour guides and all.

Lindzena said...

I think I comment on like, everything you write! But just wanted to let you know this made me giggle like a schoolgirl. I really need to get to Disneyland again somehow!

Powdered Toast Man said...

I was hooked on fairy dust in '93, it was a bad year mostly cuz I was only 9.

imbeingheldhostage said...

So much better than the guides we've had!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Oh, and you're NOT a male model?

Cheeseboy said...

@ Kristina - Ha ha! Imagine how hungry those fake hippos are going all these years with no food.

@ Rawkn - Thanks. I might just do it as a passenger the next time I ride.

@ Mr. Stupid - Heckling the Disney ride workers? That is awesome.

@ Mamahasspoken - I just went to D World a couple months ago and this ride is definitely there. Even a little different.

@ Jarnebrand - We should all feel a little sorry for Tinkerbell.

@ dogsmom - I think I may already drive a duck.

@ Tammy - I AM JEALOUS! Have a great time and be sure to heckle the tour guides if they are not good.

@ Church Lady - Wow, to FLA people and both don't know about the Jungle Cruise. I promise they have one there, I was just there.

@ Ally - I NEVER go in the summer. Can't stand the heat and the crowds.

@ Emmy - I know!

@ SmartAtee - LOL @ By Gollyers.

@ Tree - Oh yes. Well we both have our dreams, don't we.

@ Nubian - I am very interested in your Disney boycott.

@ Writing without Periods - I would love to just sweep up the crap on the ground if it meant a free season pass.

@ Beth -You have NEVER been to DISNEY?! Time to plan a trip, my friend.

@ Tipton - Over-emoting is a necessity for Disney workers for sure. I wouldn't do the job without it.

@ Joann - WOW. The Jungle Cruise holds some very bad moments for you. I feel badly about what happened to you.

*Actually,everyone should know this about the ride: I once talked to one of the ride workers. He said that they are given a list of jokes that they can use on the ride. He said that some of the workers were ad libbing (sp?) some risque stuff. Now there is a process in place in which they have to submit a joke to the Disney powers and have it approved before it is used on the ride.

@ Obama - Ha ha! I wish I had been on the ride with that teenager. Awesome.

@ Eric - That would be awesome. It would be cool if they had cannons too.

@ Katie - Your daughter sounds AWESOME!

@ Bibi - Good luck in September. At least it won't be July!

@ Melinda- By golly, thanks for the comment!

@ Tammy2 - THEY STOLE MY KING OF THE WORLD JOKE!? That's not right.

@ Sharon - Thank you for the award! I mentioned it in yesterday's post.

@ VKT - I am now curious where you are. I thought you were a US teacher. You need to go to a Disney park. You'd enjoy it.

@ Mimi - I wanted to go there again while I wrote it.

@ Lindzena - I love your comments. they are always great. Don't feel like you are ever commenting too much.

@ Powdered Toast - LOL!

@ Hostage - I KNOW! That's what I am thinking! Well, I am not a male model anymore.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

I think you have just become dangerously close to being my favorite person since using the phrase "by golly".
I've never really heard anyone else use it other than my family!

See Mom Smile said...

I love the jungle ride. I think your ride would give me nightmares.

Hutch said...

I LOVE the corniness that is the Jungle Cruise! My favorite time to ride it is during the fireworks when you can have the boat all to yourself and throw the guide off his/her game by asking meaningless questions.

tiburon said...

I don't know that I have ever met anyone that used "by golly"

Thanks for allowing me to cross that off my list...

Teachinfourth said...

I'd totally ride it.

Wait, I always do already.

I'd ride it twice in a row then...

Just SO said...

That teacher gal on glee does have unnaturally wide eyes, does she not?