Occasionally (and by "occasionally" I mean "never") I am asked, "Hey Mr. Cheeseboy, if you were not a teacher, what would your dream job be?
My response always takes these folks off guard with powerful potency: "Why that's easy... male model."
When they are done laughing, I respond with, "Ha ha, uh, I was, uh, just kidding. I suppose I'd really like to be a Disneyland Jungle Cruise Guide."
By golly, I love Disneyland. I'd take up residence with my family if I could; make a cozy home on the corner of Toon Town and Main.
AND By golly, I LOVE the Jungle Cruise - always have. I ride several times a visit simply to get a sense of the comic timing of the guide and any new jokes that might have been thrown into the mix since my last visit.
AND By golly, I'd be one of the most hysterical Jungle Cruise Guides in Disney Jungle Cruise history. People would flock to my boat with eyes as wide as that teacher gal on Glee for a simple opportunity to hear my buffoonery.
AND By golly, I even have an entire script of new jokes written for my guiding duties. Get a load of these beauties I've come up with:
- Welcome aboard everyone. Please don't sit near the rear of the raft. The last group must have had a pound of Swiss cheese for lunch and it is still lingering.
- Please step all the way to the front of the vessel where we will be having a special visit by Donald Duck later in the tour.
[I put my finger in my ear.]
What's that? Donald was eaten by crocodiles on the last go-through?
Sorry folks, I guess he forgot to duck.
- Oh no kids, I didn't mean to make you cry. Don't worry, they've frozen Donald's head and placed it in a freezer next to Walt's. So no worries, he'll be back when science has advanced to the point of reviving him.
- Oh, looky here at what we have coming around the corner. Looks like some sort of python hanging from a tree. Now folks this would be very frightening had I not known that this particular python is in fact, fake.
- Hold on everyone, I've always wanted to do this.
[I get on the very front of the boat and spread out my arms]
- I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD! -
Wow that felt good. No worries everybody; I promise that this trip won't end the same way as that one did. And promise that I won't be posing topless while one of you draws me.
- WOW! Get your cameras out and look portside folks. You are not going to want to miss this!
Oh, you're not sure which side is portside?
Yeah, hold on for a second.
[I pull out a 'Jungle Cruise Guide for Dummies' book and start to thumb through it.]
Ah yes, here it is: portside. It's the left side. Look out the left side folks!
Oh, there's nothing there now? It's passed?
For future reference folks, portside is the left side. You might want to write that down for future reference.
- What a site we have up here on the BLINDSIDE folks.
[Everyone looks to their right.]
No, no... BLINDSIDE. Yes, that's right; it's Sandra Bullock winning an Oscar. Something we'd never thought we'd see in the wild.
- And look there!
[Point to the mechanical headhunter]
There's her X-Husband. He's on the prowl again. Always on the prowl...
- Here we are at the falls and of course we will be going behind them as that is where the mechanical track will take us.
If you look carefully, you'll be able to see the backside of water. (Some jokes can never change.) Not many people know this, but it was under these falls in this very spot that Tinkerbell took her first hit of fairy dust.
- Alright everyone, it looks like we have arrived. Please watch your step as you leave and remember kids: Just say no to fairy dust or you'll end up like Tinkerbell - shriveled, miniaturized and desperate.
I'd be such a natural.