Sunday, September 5, 2010

Samson's Assistant Fetches the Jawbone of an Ass.

Samson: Bring me the jawbone of an ass! 

Assistant:  Uh, a what now?!

Samson: The jawbone of an ass!  Bring it to me henceforth!

Assistant: The jawbone?  I could get you a sword or a sling shot.  David's not using his anymore.

Samson: I shall slay 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass.   Bring me one now!

Assistant: I don't even know how to properly kill an ass, let alone pull the jawbone out of one.

Samson: Young sir, fetch me an ass jawbone.  The Philistines awaiteth their death and destruction!

Assistant: Uh huh. And... you think that you are going to kill them with the jawbone....

Samson: OF AN ASS!  YES!  Fetcheth henceforth. Pronto, boy!  Fetch the ass jaw!

Assistant: Sir, I am worried about you.  First this preoccupation with your hair and now this whole ass jawbone business.  You're going to get yourself killed.

Samson: Seriously boy.  Question me not, for I am Samson, servant of God! Here is a knife.  See-eth that ass over there?  Bring me the jawbone.

Assistant: I, uh... really don't feel comfortable.  I could barely stomach the frog in High School Biology.

Samson: Heaven help me. Must I do everything?  Giveth me that knife.  Find yourself a new Prophet to bother, puppet-boy.

Assistant: Alright, alright. I'll do it. 

Samson: THE JAWBONE OF AN ASS SHALL WREAKETH HAVOC ON THE ENEMIES OF GOD!

Assistant: [Covered in blood] Here is your stupid ass jawbone. 

---------------Sampson slaughters 1,000 Philistines with nothing but an ass jawbone. -----------------

Assistant: Now what?

Samson: Fetcheth me a lion!  I feel like a gallivanting and refreshing wrestle!

Assistant: Uh and just how am I supposed to capture this lion?

Samson: Here, use this ass jawbone.  It's amazing.

54 comments:

The Bipolar Diva said...

hahahahaha! LOL! I could use that jaw bone in taming the bipeds that live here.

Connie said...

Now we know the rest of the story!

Thanks for the enlightenment...and the chuckle!

Saimi said...

HA! You never cease to amaze me!

purseblogger said...

That is great! I could use that jawbone too man.

W.C.Camp said...

People say I talk out of that thing but I did not know it ACTUALLY had a jaw bone? W.C.C.

Mikki said...

"He told us that Samson didn't take no sass, and whipped the Phillistiine's with the jawbone of an ass; but to tell the truth he got all that just a little mixed up....."--Ray Stevens.

I love it when blog posts remind me of Ray Stevens songs.

Powdered Toast Man said...

This post was so random and funny. I loved it. I can see it being in a cartoon skit somewhere.

ScoMan said...

"Slay Phillistines with jawbone of ass"

Okay, that's on my "to do" list.

imbeingheldhostage said...

I think you enjoyed writing "ass" a little too much-- isn't this a family blog?
;-)

Christy said...

I could have used that on that jawbone on the ass of the ass that is suing me because he thinks it's ok to trespass and get his ass bit by my dog.

Pedaling said...

"Samson: The jawbone of an ass! Bring it to me henceforth!"

hilarious!

Joe Cap said...

Would have been easier to just find a jawbone laying around, rather than killing an ass and extracting the jawbone, don't you imagine? I am sure that's how it was done!

mama-face said...

whoa... clearly i do not know my bible stories...

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Great punchline!

tammy said...

I bet they call you to be the next Gospel Doctrine teacher.

Jenn said...

LOL!! Hey, I got a great idea.. can you go fetch me the jawbone of an ass? I have a bunch of people that have pissed me off recently and it seems to work really well!!! Thank you!

-stephanie- said...

I'm heading to my bible now to read this part again. I must have a different version than you. :oD

My favorite line...
Samson: Heaven help me. Must I do everything? Giveth me that knife. Find yourself a new Prophet to bother, puppet-boy.
:oD

Melinda said...

I want to know who checked the "weird" box and how you feel when someone does? I thought this was HEE-LARIOUS as usual. :)

The Church Lady said...

I love your take on this popular biblical figure! Only Delilah (a Philistine, Samson's wife) knew the secret to Samson's strength.

Enjoy your Labor Day, Cheeseboy!

SueLovesCherries said...

Someone has too much time on his hands this weekend . . .

Kristina P. said...

I think that everytime I am tempted to use "ass" as a swear word, I'll class it up by putting "Jawbone of" in front of it.

Pearl said...

Hilarious AND weird, Cheese Boy. I expected nothing less.

:-D

Pearl

FabuLeslie said...

You are brilliant, oh, Boy of Cheese! Brilliant.

MiMi said...

We need thge CBV of the bible now.
Cheese Boy Version.

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

I sure hope that wasn't the lesson you taught to some poor little Sunday School class yesterday. And I'm with imbeingheldhostage -- you just wanted an excuse to say ass that many times in one sitting. LOL Very funny.

M-Cat said...

And now I can check off reading my scriptures for today. The little star is going in the box as we speak.

Thanks for helping a sistah out!

Writing Without Periods! said...

I love Bible stories!!! Especially the ones where water is turned into wine...or is it the other way around...eh, I don't like that version as well.
Happy Labor Day,
Mary

Sam Liu said...

This is so brilliant! I was laughing throughout, how do you do it? By far the best line I've read in a long, long time, " THE JAWBONE OF AN ASS SHALL WREAKETH HAVOC ON THE ENEMIES OF GOD!". I would get that on t-shirt and wear it with pride. Have you ever considered screenplay writing? :D

Holly Ruggiero, Southpaw said...

That's the bestest retelling ever!

Marnie said...

I got a serious case of the giggles.

mintifresh said...

hahahahah Much better version!

Missy said...

LOL! Too funny!

wendy said...

I'd love it if you were my Gospel Doctrine teacher.

Emmy said...

I think a lot more people would read the bible if it were written like that

Lourie said...

Oh if only they teach this way in Sunday School. I would totally get it! LOL

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

oh, i love your take on the story!

Julie said...

A good night to have a laugh. Thank you. Hey, guess what I noticed, 403 followers,...... video? Coming soon?
Take care and love the texts and responses.
Have a great and blessed week.

jennifer said...

The only thing that could have made this post better was a felt board.

Or maybe some puppets.

Loved it Cheese Boy!

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

LOL LOL LOL - thanks for the laugh.

Rachel said...

Oy - is it bad to admit that I snorted whilst reading this??

Kate said...

Oh my gosh you are so weird. But I applaud your excessive use of the word ass. More of that please. :)

Pat said...

I must have been sick when they taught this in my Catholic grade school. Darn!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

No no, oh fellow commenters, not weird, totally hilarious!

I really did burst into laughter at the very last line.

tiburon said...

I feel like I have just been the recipient of the blog post that attempted to break the world record for using the word "ass" the most.

Nancy C said...

Oh my goodness, you are so, so funny. This elevates you to genius in my mind.

And yes, I now say, "Fetch the ass jaw!" as often as possible around the house.

Sandra said...

Your mind works in a mysterious way...how lucky are you!

UnicycleRose said...

Cheeseboy, I have been out of the loop for a while and must say it is refreshing to revisit your twisted, creative material...where do you come up with this stuff! Keep it up!

Dolly said...

That was funny-and I'll remember this skit for some ward social later on in life:)

Garden of Egan said...

Thanks so much for being such a scriptorian that I now want to read the Bible.
I night need to get me an ass jawbone too.
There's a few people that need slaying.

Sadako said...

Awesome. Pure awesomeness. I would have preferred to have been Hercules' personal assistant myself.

Kelley said...

Haaaaaaaa!!! I absolutely LOVED this one! I felt like I was hot & sweaty right there beside the ass-jaw-bone-fetchin' man. I bet you've got that scene figured out just about right.

jayayceeblog said...

Too funny. Laughed out loud at the frog in High School biology line!!!

RaShelle said...

I wonder how he KNEW the ass jawbone was going to be better than the donkey's? Very Hi-lar-i-ous!!! =D

T said...

and the bloggist post is getting some serious competition in my mind - hifreakin'larious :)