Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Hey companies: I'd like to know... RESPONSES!

Okay folks, I have been laughing as these responses have been coming in today.  Some of them are truly classic!  This is what I have received so far:

To Swiss Army Knives:

Q: Do you guys carry a pocket knife with a pull-out vile that could carry water or blood in it?

A: Dear Abe,

Thank you for contacting Victorinox Swiss Army.  I apologize, but we do not have any Swis Army Knives that have a vile. 

Please contact us if you need further assistance.
 

Sincerely,

Victorinox Swiss Army Customer Service

To Stetson Cowboy Hats:

Q: Do you guys carry a specialized hat made for a more "urban" cowboy like myself?

 A: Abe,

A cowboy hat is a cowboy hat no matter what. As long as you like the hat, that is all that really matters. If I may make a suggestion I would recommend the Skyline it is available in a variety of colors.
 
Thanks,
Alex Rodriguez
Customer Service Mgr.

To Belts.com

Q: I just made yellow belt in karate and I would like to buy a regular belt to commemorate the event.  Do you have any belts in yellow?

A: only this nike belt
 
To Tony Lama Boots:

Q: Do you guys carry a specialized boots made for a more "urban" cowboy like myself?

A: Abe,
 
Thank you for contacting Justin Brands.

What particular specifications are you looking for?

We appreciate your continued support of our brand.

Justin Brands Customer Service  
 
MY RESPONSE: I am looking for something that says "I'm a cowboy", but I don't want to scream "I'm THAT kind of cowboy".   Oh, and maybe something snakeskin.
 
To Crocs.com:

Q: Which croc would you recommend for someone that does a lot of farming? (NOT farmville!!! Mostly pig, but some corn.) 
 
A: Dear Abe,
 
Thank you for your inquiry, I apologize for the delay in response. Crocs has a variety of shoes that I think would work well for your needs. You could try the “Bistro” which is a clog-like style that has no holes or vents and a non-slip sole. The enclosed design will prevent any outside debris from getting inside the shoe and causing annoyance. You could also try the Crocband Sneaker, which is brand new to the Crocs family and is not only stylish but completely enclosed and extremely comfortable and light weight. The “Specialist” would also be a good choice, it also does not have any holes, is a clog-like style and is very comfortable. I hope you like some of these shoes, if not I would be sure to check out our “Work” line on www.crocs.com and see if you can find another style that you feel might suite your needs better.
 
If you have any further questions or concerns, please feel free to email me.
 
Thank you.
 
Best Regards,
 
Shanna Cronin
Consumer Service Associate 1A

AND FINALLY, To Ann Taylor:

Q: Is the "faux fur" on your coats made from real faux?

A: Dear Ms. Abe:
 
Thank you for your inquiry regarding the definition of "Faux Fur". Upon further research, I found the definition of "Faux", (fo) is false or counterfeit, imitation; used in connection with gems, pearls, leathers and fur coats. Therefore, you may be assured that the merchandise is not made from animals.

You may also find many classic styles in our Ann Taylor stores and at anntaylor.com. If you would like additional information, please call us at 1 800 DIAL ANN and a Client Associate would be delighted to answer any further questions and assist you in placing an order.

Thank you for choosing Ann Taylor. We look forward to meeting all of your future wardrobing needs. If we can provide further assistance or if you have any additional questions, please contact us via e-mail at clientservices@anntaylor.com or call us at 1 800 DIAL ANN (1.800.342.5266). We are available Monday through Friday from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm EST, Saturday and Sunday from 9:00 am to 5:30 pm EST.
 
Sincerely,

Regina Betts
Client Associate
Ann Taylor Client
Services

86 comments:

Garden of Egan said...

OK! That is hilarious. They must think they are dealing with a total idiot!

LOVE IT~

TS Hendrik said...

Is it made from real faux? LOL
That sir is genius.

Gigi said...

I love this idea for a blog post. Great job!!!

woman:confused said...

Hey MS. Abe!!
I love how they DO have yellow belts, but I think I like the cowboy hat response the best. "It's what you make it". Good grief, it sounds like a hannah montana song!

Mamma has spoken said...

I'm sure they paid those people big bucks to come up with those answers. Mainly because it would take a lot of restrain to not use derogatory remarks as they answered your questions. Instead they answered them with such an air of professionalism, that it makes it sound really sincere.

One Cluttered Brain said...

LOL! Oh my goodness!
400 followers?
And you'll way your pit hairs?
LOL.
4 more?
Can I unfollow and follow 4 more times?
LOL.
You are hilarious!

T said...

my favorite is the knife with the vile... which should actually be a Vial...

Either way, I guess they don't make it do they, you'll have to figure out where to stash your blood another way.

You are testing the limits of these people's good natures... way to go!

Kristina P. said...

I'm so glad they have to take their jobs seriously.

Donda said...

"I had to look up the definition" Ahhh that is classic! And what superb customer service..providing you a pronunciation key!!

mintifresh said...

I am so impressed!

Holly Ruggiero, Southpaw said...

I can't believe you actually sent those emails, but now I'm curious how many emails they get that like that that are real. Scary.

Melinda said...

Well MS. Abe, I'm glad you got some answers! hahaha

M-Cat said...

I didn't know that A-Rod had a side job in the cowboy hat business!

I'm sure you provided much amusement for these guys today!

Rachel said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I am especially loving the Swiss Army Knife one. And for reals? Alex Rodriguez answered your email?!?!?

mice_aliling said...

Hey, good one! You remind me of Emails from an a hole.... he's hilarious as well. http://www.dontevenreply.com/

The Invisible Seductress said...

Too funny!! Everyone really tried to help though, that's encouraging!!

Everyday Goddess said...

Is Ms. Abe on Twitter?

Saimi said...

You have waaaaaay too much time on your hands! But I love their responses!

jayayceeblog said...

Someone has too much time on their hands. We won't mention any names but it rhymes with GEEZ! I think you should go for the yellow belt and also get some yellow patent leather shoes for that extra bit of style. =)

Tree said...

Hah ha! Where exactly do you come up with these ideas, Ms. Abe?! LOL

RaShelle said...

Dear Blog O' Cheese - I was wondering, is your cheese-head made out of mild? medium? or sharp? cheddar??? OR another variety altogether??? You may have answered this question countless times before, but I'm new to the area and am curious.

You are quite the funny man. Thanks for the laughs. =D

Kelly said...

You are like a modern age prank caller with all these consumer inquiries.

Can't wait to see what you will do next. What pressure!

tammy said...

These are awesome. I'm sure they are wondering just what kind of a nut you are. But then again, maybe they deal with this type of inquiry all the time.

Brandi, Dan, L and B said...

So funny! I didn't realize you actually sent these off! Ann Taylor most really want you to call their customer service line cause they left you the number quite a few times.

smArtee said...

Hey are you "that" kind of cowboy....if not what kind are you..?...you are genius!

"Miss Bee" said...

I love the faux fur!!!

@llison said...

"Upon further research,"

I DIED reading that. Amazing.

Nicole said...

My favorite response is the Swiss Army knife one. You know these guys are thinking you are totally "off your rocker." lol

Copyboy said...

Faux Ann man!

Martha said...

At least you got a response...
Faux Fur Fear Not!
Maybe Victorinox should add a Vial for the aspiring vampire or CSI tech.

The Church Lady said...

Very entertaining. Next best thing to prank phone calls!! Still laughing...

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

I cannot stop laughing. I didn't realize you actually sent these emails. It's hilarious how they are so seriously responding to your inquiries in attempts to gain your business.
Can't wait to see your 400 stunt.
xoRobyn

MiMi said...

Dear Ms. Abe...you crack me up!!!!
And how horrendously ugly is that Nike belt?! GAH!

Ike said...

That is one nice yellow belt. Pretty funny the lady had to do "further investigation" to find out what faux fur was.

Just SO said...

"upon further research" had me ROLLING!!!!

warmchocmilk said...

Yea, the "faux fur" one is a classic :) Great idea! Love it!!

Tgoette said...

LOL! Loved this! And I thought I had heard them all. I guess there's a new batch of morons roaming the web these days! Great job!

Krista said...

Very funny. Please don't read my blog in the next week. It's one of those "girl things." But I would like you to find out from Always why they put a freakin' pad on a mechanical bull to initiate questions from underaged children. Will you find out for me?

Kaleena J. said...

LOL @ the Ann Taylor one! hahaha

Pedaling said...

things i always wanted to know.
finnally a few answers.


on another note...
do you correspond with all 3 hundred almost 400 followers to keep the fires burning and all that jazz?

Holly said...

I think you just made the training books of several companies. LOL!! They have to have real examples of how to handle concerns gracefully from customers that are a little... dense? LOL!! Funny stuff Cheeseboy!! ;p

Sandra said...

This is hilarious! I love that these people have actually looked up the definition of "faux" read "fo"...still laughing!

W.C.Camp said...

I think Abe you could do a full humor book on this concept alone. You would have to write a ton of companies and keep the best responses for the book so it is indeed clever. But not to be a 'Debbie Downer' but I have mixed emotions about messing with REAL people trying to do a real job and be helpful customer service reps. Fortunately they get paid either way and probably deal with far dumber questions than your examples, but you get the point. W.C.C.

Cruella Collett said...

Haha, I especially liked the faux fur one. The reply sounds like the person is not entirely sure if this is a hoax or if you are just THAT stupid, but just in case - let's be absolutely clear about this. I wonder if it is forbidden to have a sense of humour in "reply to stupid customers" kind of jobs. (Oh, wait, I know the answer to that one, since I do have that kind of job...)

Powdered Toast Man said...

I didn't think you would get any responses. Send more questions out.

ScoMan said...

The yellow belt one or the faux fur ones were my favourites.

Surprised to see so many responses.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Damn, they were all so serious, too!

DEZMOND said...

oh, yes, sure, the colour of a cowboy hat can make it more urban :)))))) Wonder which colours did they have in mind???

Jenn said...

LOL...oh my god, I can't imagine what some of these people thought when they read your questions...then again, I'm surprised at the seriousness of some of the answers! lol Abe, you have too much time on your hands!!! :)

Emmy said...

Okay crocs and Ann Taylor win for the most in delta response. I love how they have the definition of faux!

We wrote to Nestle once about drumsticks asking if they did factory tours as we wanted to know how they got the ice-cream in the bottom of the cone. They told us they don't currently do tours and sent us a couple of coupons for free boxes of drumsticks! :). So next time you should choose food companies to see how many free things you get :)

Georgina Dollface said...

What an awesome idea! You could do a whole blog on this concept. It would be like Crank Yankers for the online customer service world. - G

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

You're a mess... a hot, funny mess.. and I love it!

Pearl said...

Is it real faux? Why I oughta...

Remember naugahyde? I believe those involved the hides of genuine nauga...

Pearl

b said...

Hey Cheeseboy,

I have always wondered what they would say when I asked that question that crossed my mind! Great writing.

As for making all my dreams come true...life is very good for me.

Be well.

b

http://www.itcrossedmymindblog.com
Note: I will be twitting this up and sharing on facebook. I will also write about this blog soon. Thanks!

Mommy Lisa said...

Awesome. You know the CS people are all "WTF!!!?! Is this person serious? I cannot believe this is my job!"

Natasha said...

I love the faux fur answer. Priceless.

Also, I have a question for you...in your about me statement you say: "Women love me because I teach first grade. Men love me because I am just one of the guys. My wife loves me simply for my chiseled abs."

But, you don't mention anything about kids. Why do kids love you? Or, don't they love you?

Hutch said...

This is genius...I wonder if the swiss army knife people have to report the crazies. You might just be on a watch list now!

Marnie said...

K now that was hilarious! My favorite was the Croc. response. I'll bet anything the person replying was laughing pretty hard.
Too funny.

Sam Liu said...

This is beyond hilarious. Each response is a treat, though my favourite is the last one. I suppose it's good they took the time to reply :D

Deidra said...

Real faux? Oh, wow. That's just freakin brilliant. And the fact that they found out it meant 'fake' after "further research" is just sad.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Great post! Hilarious to see their "PC" answers!

Noelle said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

this is the best thing i've read all day in blog land!

Okie said...

lol...these are fabulous!

It's especially fun to see which are obvious "canned" responses and which are "real" (or faux?) responses. ;)

Nicely done.

Missy said...

LOL! These are hilarious! You have now set the bar!

Corrina Terry said...

Classic! Thanks for the laughs!!! :o))))))))))))))))))))))

Jillybean said...

You are funny!
You also appear to have way too much time on your hands.

Vanessa said...

Who knew that A-Rod was moonlighting for Stetson.

Sweet Bee Cottage said...

Thank you so much Cheeseboy for this public service you provide. Who, but you would be the intrepid sleuth discovering answers to our pressing questions?

Thank you again Cheeseboy.

See Mom Smile said...

Yes, my favorite Ann Taylor store was the classiest response. They even gave you the definition of faux! Totally great.

C'est La Vie said...

oh my gosh, you would! this is a crack up post...what in the world makes you think of these things?

Mikki said...

Having worked in retail for a while (a while too long), I'm willing to bet that your questions aren't nearly as stupid as some others they get. Truly some class acts in their responses. I think the belts.com response was a little too brief.

Gerb said...

Seriously, do you laugh out loud as you send these letters off? Because I'm not sure which is funnier, the questions or the answers.

Unknown Mami said...

I can't stop laughing. I even had to read this to my husband. My favorite question is the one about real faux fur. I would love to see the reactions of the people reading your questions.

The Bipolar Diva said...

I love it! I laughed all the way through....Oh, by the way you have 400 followers. A girl just stopped by my site and said she's number 400, the magic number. Ahem....cough...we're ready!

Kelley said...

Oh man. I still crack up at the "real faux" line. Hahahahaha!!! You are certifiably insane! Do the parents of your first-graders know?

Kate said...

Dear Ms. Abe,
Fo rill. Our fur is faux.


The Crocs person put a lot of effort into that response. Do you feel obligated to purchase some Crocs now?

Oliver said...

WOW. I can't believe those company people actually replied to your messages. You have to thank all those people for taking time to answer your hilarious questions.

Good job! =]

smArtee said...

Hey you hit 400...Im waiting for that video...ya know waxing arm hair...cant wait...get the popcorn and soda..Woo Hoo..!

Jen said...

You know the comments they muttered under their breaths were not nearly as professional as their written responses.

Pat said...

You know they all probably had a good laugh in a meeting over these letters, then handed them to the lowest person on the totem pole and said, "Deal with this!"

Do you lie awake at night and think of ways to disrupt the universe? Just wondering!

Pat Tillett said...

That was classic! Seriously, "real faux" is friggin' genius...

Connie said...

Your faux fur comment is hilarious! What an idiot! What a fun, insane, idiot!

Keep 'em coming!

Teachinfourth said...

Wow, I'm surprised that some of them answered...

Teachinfourth said...

Wow, I'm surprised that some of them answered...

tiburon said...

I just shot Crystal light out my right nostril.

Thanks for that.

And thanks for the image of Abe - the Urban Cowboy.

Mary said...

I'm currently working on a letter to my local post office...be prepared!