Friday, September 17, 2010

Cheeseboy Health Guide: How to painfully rid yourself of mouth fungus.

Of all the fungi, the mouth fungus rules the roost and by "rules the roost", I mean that I have no idea what that expression means. It seemed fitting.

I'm guessing that it probably has something to do with a bossy chicken, but it could also refer to Oprah's relationship with Steadman.

When I was 21 I somehow acquired a mouth fungus so nasty, I was asked repeatedly by drug addicts if they could take me to their dentist and harvest the mushrooms growing in my cheek.

I was living in Pennsylvania at the time, enjoying my religion's proverbial two-year hiatus from real life and new episodes of Frasier.   Apparently, it's a little known fact that the Amish have a very high rate of mouth fungi, which they pass on through delicious pies and well made furniture.

I certainly did not get the fungus through kissing as that would have involved kissing, which I had not done in nearly two years - the last time being with my current wife that "agreed" to "wait" for me to return.

Those of you that have had a mouth fungus know that it is about as fun as getting a hangnail pulled in the restroom of TGIF restaurant.  That is, if you can find a TGIF restaurant that is still in business.

I tried everything to get rid of the Smurf village living under my tongue: I visited two different "doctors", a Mennonite herbologist (no lie) and the Martin Guitar Company - that was of absolutely no help when it came to mouth fungus, but I thoroughly enjoyed learning the history of their amazing musical woodworking.

No one could figure out my oral malady and I was left to wander the streets of charming Nazareth, PA alone, wishing upon star after star for a new mouth.  I was known as "Cheeseboy of Nazareth".  (Alone meaning I was always with a companion.)

My final straw came while I was driving to a golf course one morning and vomited Mennonite herbs all over the front seat of our 1994 Chevy Taurus.

- In the history of time, I doubt that the above sentence has ever been blogged.  I occasionally like to point out sentences like this as it makes me feel like I am breaking some sort of obtuse blog record. - 

It was at that moment - in that puke infused Taurus - that I decided that there must be a change within the inner recesses of my mouth.  That afternoon, we drove home and I poured an entire cup of Scope mouthwash into my mouth.

For the next 30 minutes, I sat unwavering with Scope scorching my mouth innards.  I did not gargle, I did not spit, I did not rinse.  The Scope rested in my mouth while I cringed and winced and grunted and cried.  My roommate sat across the room from me and stared at my pain in disbelief. 

30 minutes of hellish agony passed.  Had Prince Humperdink known of this tremendous torture technique, he undoubtedly would have filled Westley's mouth with Scope or some sort of olden-days version of it. Fred Savage and his adorable Grandpa would have been flabbergasted.

I finally spit out what was left of the horrid mouth cleanser and returned to my chair in obvious pain. My entire mouth throbbed and my tongue felt like it was on fire. I pressed my tongue against the roof of my mouth and felt an immediate bolt of pain flow through my entire body.  The Scope had burned off every shred of skin from the roof and bottom of my mouth.

The good news was that the fungus was completely gone. 

For the next two weeks I ate no solid foods and drank nothing acidic.  I had a hard time sleeping as my tongue would bounce off the tender, mushy, skinless meat in my mouth.  Talking even became a chore but I soldiered on.  My bravery during this time was legendary. 

But the fungus was gone.  Gone forever.  I returned home two weeks later and was able to kiss my waiting future wife with minimal to maximum pain. 

Problem solved.  You see, I'm a tongues-on problem solver.

Next time: How to successfully rid yourself of head lice using only a bottle of rubbing alcohol and hedge clippers.

63 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Congrats on ridding the shrooms growing in your mouth.

I once had a yeast infection in my throat, so that was awesome.

dbs said...

I agree that sentence has never been blogged. Likewise your sentence "I had a hard time sleeping as my tongue would bounce off the tender, mushy, skinless meat in my mouth." Dude. Now that's a visual.

Garden of Egan said...

I think I might be sick.

purseblogger said...

Okay, that sounds horribly painful. Ouch!
Glad it was gone after that torture.
Was Blair your roommate at the time? :)

Donda said...

Dude your a hot mess, slip-sliding in a piss-laden Play Place, missing hair where you shouldn't and gingivitis. I can't even imagine what's next! FYI, you really shouldn't make old bitches laugh so hard...we have had many offspring and the bladders aren't what they used to be!

Baby Sister said...

Oh wow...I'm glad you got rid of it...but that's just nasty. I can barely stand Listerine for a minute let alone 30...

Lourie said...

I love the Princess Bride reference. What a horrible experience for you. Whatever possessed you to sit there with Scope in your mouth? Who cares! It worked. My mouth hurts now.

DeNae said...

I am not even kidding when I tell you this: My husband, son, and I just finished watching "The Princess Bride". I got up from the couch while the credits ran, came over to the computer, and read your blog. Of course, I then barfed up the cookies I had made for our movie night on accounta this is, you know, and icky subject. But still, how cosmically connected is that?

Pedaling said...

K- that was gross!

you have a very vivid memory.

Sherilin Riley said...

i wonder if the dope head who invented the smurfs had a case of the mouth mushrooms & that could be what inspired the whole show. i wonder...

Connie said...

Is that what is meant by missionaries have the gift of tongues?

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

So glad you scoped that problem out, Cheeseboy. You are one random dude and ever funny.
xoRobyn

W.C.Camp said...

Now was it a CHEVY or a FORD TAURUS? These details MATTER Cheeseboy - the SCOPE of your whole story just smells bad if the exacting details of your Fungi riddled life are not revealed accurately. As I was reading, particularly the last few paragraphs, I realized you finally invented the ULTIMATE CHEESEBOY DIET! W.C.C.

Allyson & Jere said...

I felt the burning hot flames of pain right here in my OWN mouth as I read that. That took some serious fortitude! I can literally keep scope in my mouth for .05 seconds before crying from the burning pain. I applaud you, but mostly because you got to kiss your future wife, and you did it without infecting her with your nasty fungus.

Cruella Collett said...

You know, I think there are probably quite a few of your sentences that have never been blogged before. In fact, it is inconceivable that they have been blogged before.

MBGITWWR said...

Who said life wasn't full of adventure? Good grief man! That's quite the story.

mice_aliling said...

Okay, so I had to google how you get mouth fungus and what it looks like. Apparently, you tend to get it if you take antibiotics.

Anyhow, I am not sure if I ever had one. It must be terribly painful Congrats on the discovery of Scope. Maybe doctors should start prescribing that (?)

http://micealiling.blogspot.com/

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I believe this entire post breaks some sort of blogging record...

Shrinky said...

Talk about taking drastic measures! OMG, I winced as I laughed, reading this.. great post (grin)!

00dozo said...

What a tongue-depressing tale, and a little bit cheeky!
;-)

-stephanie- said...

Not the best thing to read first thing in the morning. GAG!
No doubt your wife thanks you for enduring the pain.

baygirl32 said...

If ever I get a mouth fungus, I know what not to do!

Joann Mannix said...

It is hard to astonish me. I am sitting here with my mouth open.

I take back everything I said about your girlie screaming during the waxing. You are a man. THE man.

And forget about the vomiting of Mennonite herbs, THIS sentence has never been blogged before, "about as fun as getting a hangnail pulled in the restroom of a TGIF restaurant." You have a mind bursting with insane thoughts . . . and it's absolutely fabulous!

I wrote a sentence the other day in a comment that has never been uttered before, "You haven't lived until you've flossed poop out of a toddler's teeth."

Don't ask.

Bossy Betty said...

30 minutes? YOU are indeed a MAN! I can handle about 30 seconds and then I start to cry.

A Mom on Spin said...

I guess it's like they say. . ."No pain, no gain."

Jenn said...

I will admit, the Princess Bride reference kept me reading....I don't know whether I should laugh or cry now!!

Miley (woman:confused) said...

You sir, are my hero... extra hero... Well, whatever. You ROCK!
I mean, you could have just put some bleach in your mouth but you chose LIFE instead!
Congrats on not being the fungal cheeseboy.

Lene said...

Um.....yeah....
Not sure if I am speechless from your awesomeness or from the pure gag aspect. I'm going with the gag.

Melinda said...

WHAT?! Not ONE person has hit the 'weird' button?! I'm shocked! I live for that weird button! Oh, and your awesome posts, I promise. This was amazingly funny, and a little icky. :)

Sam Liu said...

Very funny, an entertaining read...if a little disgusting. Mouth fungus is quite an unsavoury ill, I'm sure. And yes, I think you can be quite sure that the highlighted sentence has never been blogged! :D

mintifresh said...

Only on a mission would it be possible to get a nasty mouth fungus! I never even knew that existed!

I'm gonna see if Scope will help with my "Foot in Mouth" problem!

MiMi said...

Uh....hm.
Ick?
Scope does burn...I can't even use it for the 30 seconds or whatever.

FabuLeslie said...

ohmy. I've never heard of such a thing before. But I do know that Listerine kills anything. In fact, I'm thinking they should start using it on bedbugs and I think we'd be rid of them in no time.

Pat said...

I definitely would file this under "TMI". But, I DO want to know where the heck your mouth had been to GET such a fungus to begin with. Wait. Never mind. I've had enough visuals for one night.

Noelle said...

Oh my absolutelly disgusting, she typed from her iPad. My mouth hurt - for real - as I read this. As Joann and Bossy Betty already stated, you really are the man. I'm still squirming at the thought of the fungus!

Corrina Terry said...

One of my favorite movies of all time---The Princess Bride!

Glad your mouth was cleansed of the nasty fungus. That was really gross!!!!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

You have to be kidding, right? Right? You poor man! YOu were brave beyond words.

Danielle said...

Oh wow, that's great. Made my mouth hurt just reading it. And it made me picture this as an episode of "Fanboy and Chum Chum". If you haven't had the pleasure of watching this....you must... (especially the episode "Fanboy Stinks" in relation to this blog post).

Jason, as himself said...

Good to know!

Mouth fungus?

Missy said...

I have never heard of mouth fungus. You are truly One of a Kind! LOL

lisleman said...

Cheese boy not knowing rules the roost. I'm disappointed. Cheese is dairy. Dairy comes from farms. Farms have farm animals such as roosters who rule the roost or so they think.

"Miss Bee" said...

It takes talent to blog about a mouth fungus without somehow seeming creepy and disgusting.....you made it work.

And thanks for the heads up on the whole "leaving mouthwash in your mouth for 30 minutes" thing. Good to know.

Mikki said...

Hmmm, If that's what Scope did, I can't imagine what Listerine might have done to you. Good thinking on your part.
Didn't even know there was mouth fungus. Ya' learn something new every day.

Pat Tillett said...

One of the things I love about blogging is being exposed to things that I've never heard of. this is one of them...LOL

imbeingheldhostage said...

I came to comment, but I suddenly feel a little nauseous. Don't know why...

Just SO said...

*shudder* But it is good to know what the scope of Scope is.

Hart Johnson said...

YOU are a NUT. (I mean that in a good way... though I did shudder a couple times reading your story...)

elesa said...

That is possibly the grossest story I have ever heard involving Mennonite herbs. Did you tell it to your wife before or after the kissing started?

Powdered Toast Man said...

That remedy should be published in an outdated mediocre medical book.

Julie said...

OUCH!!!! That's about all I can say, OUCH!!!

Emmy said...

So do they have a warning on the back of the Scope bottle now thanks to you? :)

Martha H. said...

My mouth hurts just reading that. Ugh! Disgusting!

M-Cat said...

Amusing. Completely amusing.

I know of many a missionary who contracted many a type of fungi while serving, but never the oral kind until now.

And wondering.....are you a Scope user still? You know, just for the freshness factor?

Beth Zimmerman said...

You are unique, for sure! I've been plagued by oral thrush (yeast infection in the roof of my mouth) off and on which is also a singularly unpleasant experience! Never did try the Scope cure!

Xmas Dolly said...

Totally weird dude! I mean dang! Hope you play along today in our 4M’s Monday’s Music Moves Me! It’s Freebie week too. Pick a video/song whatever moves you! Become one of our Spotlight couple next week too if you sign our linky! I’m still stuck on the boogie! What I’ve chosen is one my old favorites to dance too: “BETTY DAVIS EYES!” ROCK ON!

The Church Lady said...

Well, Cheeseboy of Nazareth, I'm so glad your story had a happy ending!

I think Scope should use this angle for advertising.

Cherie said...

Ooohhh Ick I have never even thought of mouth fungus. That is just sick. But now I know what to do in case of mouth fungi emergency!

Tammy said...

Having experienced mouth fungus myself, it is not something to be taken lightly! I thought I had AIDS for years because I knew that was a symptom!

I once saw a show where this girl thought her breath was so smelly that she gargled with bleach!

mama-face said...

Not the point of your post: But thank you thank you for the using his correct name: WESTLEY.

What a cool place too spend 2 years with a companion. What a cool future wife to 'wait'. Oh, not so cool about the mouth fungus. I threw up a little in my mouth just reading about it.

You and your comp had a TAURUS!!!??? What happened to bikes?

Again, not the point.

Heff said...

wc comp beat me to it, but YEAH - that sentence has probably never been blogged before, unless Chevrolet just started making the Ford Taurus.

Ashlee said...

Wow. That sentence was classic. Seriously. Just the impetus I needed to be a bit more creative on my blog. I feel very boring right about now.

Martha said...

Ouch, this post made my buccal mucosa burn in sympathy.

Marla said...

This made me feel sick to my stomach. And my mouth hurts now. Going to lay down...