Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Three Broken Copy Machines: A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time - in a frightening land far, far away (The "west side" of the valley) - there lived three copy machines at an elementary school.

There was Papa copy machine; he had a fierce moan and shook when he was angry.

There was Mama copy machine; she was curvier, even less dependable, and had a eight-inch long C-section scar on her front chamber from giving birth to Baby copy machine.

There was Baby copy machine; he was smallest copy machine. Although he was also the newest, he broke down even more often than the others.  Baby copy machine was cute and adorable, but barely large enough to get both butt cheeks on - not that I have tried.  

One day, the three copy machines decided to go for a walk in the woods, and by that, I mean they all decided to break down on the same freaking day.

On that very same day, Little Red Riding Abe decided that he he would need to make copies for his first grade class.   He traveled through the halls, dropping bread crumbs to mark his path. The custodian then told him to "Knock it off!" and "You are no better than the kids!" and "Why the heck are you wearing that girly red cape around your neck?"

Upon reaching the Teacher's Work Room, Little Red Riding Abe was greeted by singing birds making a dress for the Reading Specialist out of yarn, craft sticks and a couple of glue sticks.  These pathetic singing birds were always involved in ridiculous crafts.

Little Red Riding Abe brushed the obnoxious birds into the wall using a large piece of construction paper and walked over to Baby copy machine. 

"Someones been jamming paper tray number 2!" 

Little Red Riding Abe tried Mama copy machine.

"Someones been improperly changing toner." 

Finally, Little Red Riding Abe ventured over to the Papa copy machine, even though he knew Papa was always grouchy and may even be in heat - as he often gets in mid September.

"Someones been hosing down Papa copy machine."

Frustrated, Little Red Riding Abe tried planting magical seeds in the corner that one of his first graders had handed to him during recess that day.  He hoped that a new copy machine would sprout and that a kindhearted giant would live in it's document handling unit.

Poor Riding Abe's hopes were soon dashed when the the Fairy God Principal walked in and asked why in the world he was pulling up the carpet and shoving navy beans under it. 

Little Red Riding Abe's answer did not satisfy the Fairy God Principal.  It was explained to Red Riding Abe that due to discretionary budget cuts in the district, there would be no way to repair the copy machine family until the Tuesday of next week.  

That poor, poor copy machine family.  The poor, poor faculty and staff.  There was much lamentation in the land.

- I do believe I am now mixing scripture speak with fairy tale speak.  My sincerest apologies. - 

Little Red Riding Abe decided to cut his losses and just run the 25 copies on his personal copier, Thumbelina. (Clearly much more cost effective for the district.) Unfortunately, his bread crumb trail leading back to his classroom had been vacuumed up by the three Billy Goat Sweeper Boys.  He was left to wander the halls, grasping for some sign of familiarity.

Fortunately, Little Red Riding Abe found cabin made of gumdrops, paperclips and red, rubber playground balls.  There he made a life for himself, eating leftover cafeteria lasagna and living off the land.

Eventually he died in an abandoned school bus due to ingestion of a poisonous plant.

(FYI: If you have not yet watched me wax my arm hair, it is in the post below.) 

54 comments:

Pat said...

This is hilarious and sad all mixed into one! I remember making copies on the mimeograph machine! Am I old or what?!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Are you sure the Fairy God Principal wasn't an ogre in disguise?

The Time of Our Lives said...

PC Load Letter. I feel your pain. I had to become an expert at fixing the copy machines at the elementary school I worked at. Now that I am the only person in the office of the online school I am working for, there's no one to blame but myself if the copy machine breaks. Good thing there aren't many copies to make at an online school!

Hope it gets better, Red!

Amy said...

Sorry to hear your pain Red Riding Abe. I hope those bear machines are fixed sooner than later for ya.

You may not believe this, but my school district makes the copies for us at the district office (saves money?) and are transported to our buildings. Of course, if you make under 10 copies, you can make them "in-house". It's crazily true. Our machines are called MFD's, which stands for (Multi-Functioning Device). Sometimes they've been known as something else too. :)

Kristina P. said...

We should have given you our old copier. Even though we are being threatened with losing our jobs on a daily basis, the government decided it would be awesome to buy us a new $6,000 copier machine!

It doesn't print in color, but it will slap the kids when they get out of line, so it's a good trade.

mice_aliling said...

The thumbelinas are the reliable ones. ;)

I digress. I am looking forward to the 500th follower and the Barney video :)

DeNae said...

What ever happened to sending the kids home early? "Sorry, children, no photocopies, no education. Don't let the tetherball hit you in the butt on your way off the playground."

Garden of Egan said...

Hilariousness.

I'm not sure I can handle watching you wax your arm hair.
OK, maybe I can.

Teresa said...

Abe you just amaze me. Hopefully this will all be resolved soon. Otherwise I just might come in and kick the machines myself. They must miss me being there!!

Joan said...

You work at MY school!!

The Church Lady said...

I am an expert copy repair woman! Too bad you are out of my district! I have many many years experience dealing with broken down and jammed machines. It can be very frustrating to say the least! More of a nightmare than a fairy tale! Good luck Red!

Allyson & Jere said...

This is a telling tale for sure.

I love how you created the fairy tale, rather genius. AND also sad and infuriating too. I feel so bad that you teachers are left to figure out how to do all this crap on your own money because of stupid budget cuts.

Hope the copier family gets back in working order soon and that you find your way out of the abandoned school bus before you waste away to nothing.

Dude, I'm clearly too tired, I couldn't even come up with anyting witty. Lame!

Dazee Dreamer said...

Why oh why can't my grandson have you as his teacher? You are hilarious!!!!

Sherilin Riley said...

i feel this way about toilets. every rental property we've lived in has old, crappy toilets & landlords who don't like to pay plumbers to fix them. hence, i've become rather accomplished in toilet repair myself. i'm so gross.

"Miss Bee" said...

That is the WORST! (If it makes you feel any better, at least it was only 25 copies.... that happened to me at the secondary level and I needed 180 copies! Guess who got really creative with the lesson that day?)

I agree with the Dazee Dreamer... I wish everyone could have a 1st grade teacher like you!

Melinda said...

Whoever keeps marking "weird" at the bottom of my post cracks me up EVERY time! hehehehe

I personally thought this was brilliant, but I'm pretty weird so...?

Joe Cap said...

I just want to say this was a great post! I can relate to your dilemma, and you really told your story in a 'good sport' way!

Leeuna said...

Hilarious! I'm still laughing. My printer tore up last week so it must be a "thing" that's going around. Love the term Fairy God Principle. Bwahahahaha

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Oh, you wouldn't believe how HAPPY I am to hear that our school isn't the only one with copiers that are ALWAYS on the fritz. Always. Always. Must be the same brand, huh?

dbs said...

Where are the ugly stepsisters? Oh yeah, those are the photocopiers at my place of employment (and they don't work consistently either).

Xmas Dolly said...

You are too funny! What a cool bedtime story, now that I'm wide awake from laughin' too much. One time I had to take apart a copier piece by piece at my work, so we could throw it away rather then have someone cart it away. My boss was that cheap. LOL I stopped by to remind you it's Monday's Music Moves Me tomorrow, and give you a sneak peek, the theme is a song that's the name of a dance. Sure hope you stop by, and play along. THANKS! NITE!

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

You never fail to make me laugh and shoot liquid out of my nose. You would think one day I would learn not to be drinking when I read you.

Corrina Terry said...

I totally see why you teach 1st grade. Hilarious!

P.S. Don't be jealous of the 6 large, functioning copy machines in our teachers' lounges, PLUS our Graphic Arts lady, Carolyn. Carolyn does all of our copies, enlarges our copies to posters, etc., etc. (She rocks, by the way. She even puts out a bowl of hard candies for us grumpy teachers.)

The drawback . . . I teach stinky middle schoolers who have not yet learned how to use deodarant and who talk back like bookies.

The Bipolar Diva said...

This post was a great ending to my horrendous day. I loved the "girlie cape." I think I woke my Yorkie by laughing so hard!

purseblogger said...

Dang, did Little Red Riding Abe have to die? I loved the story up til that part. LOL

T said...

I'm glad that the janitor chastised Little Red Riding Abe for the girly cape... but he could have at least left the breadcrumbs since they were the last links to sanity.

I suppose first grade is too early to make them copy the entire assignment off the board 'eh?

Baby Sister said...

Nice one. :) Copy machines are evil!!

Teachinfourth said...

Little Red Riding Abe…don't you know what happens to people who wear capes?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M68ndaZSKa8

It's funny…I've lived part of this story during my own school life, too. I always hope for the happy ending...

Xmas Dolly said...

Glad to hear you're gonna play along with us! Talk to ya tomorrow. I've seen a few already & they're really good & too many memories! Like OMG I use to do that, and dress like that! augh!!!!!!!!!! lol Nite my friend!

Ash said...

i think the copiers went on strike coz you have been trying to get both of your butt cheeks on the baby copier! lol

~ash's mum

W.C.Camp said...

Honestly this story made me sad. I feel for you having to mess with this and then relenting to carry the 'district' on your own dime. A tad frustrating though I enjoyed the fairy tale ... or was it a nightmare? W.C.C.

ScoMan said...

By far your funniest post since the one where you waxed your arm hair.

Mamma has spoken said...

My school just bought three new copiers this school year! The copier repairman has been out to fix them every week this school year! Wonder if that says something about the faculty or the copiers ;o/

tammy said...

Mmm....cafeteria lasagna...

How does a school expect teachers to teach if they can't print assignments?

Jenn said...

Hilarious, as always Abe! But I wanna know how you got from the fairy tale to a real life "Into the Wild" experience? lol

who is ya? said...

I think poor little red riding abe, needs to visit jack and ride his bean stock up to the goose who lays golden eggs, so he can help save the poor copy machine family

Hart Johnson said...

BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, this is fabulous! Speaks to every peasant come fairy princess who's every depended on office equipment to do her job.

WhitneyB99 said...

Awesome story man! Pretty hilarious stuff. Thanks for commenting on my most recent blog post!

Joann Mannix said...

I hate copy machines with a passion. They don't understand me and I certainly don't understand them. Moody, insensitive, complicate creatures they are.

How's the hairless arms, itching yet?

Nicole said...

If I could make a list of inanimate objects that really piss me off - the copier would be right at the top.

(Had to check in.. on vacation.. wanted to catch up on some good blog reading!!)

From Tracie said...

At least there were gumdrops in the land. (says Pollyanna)

Copy Machines infuriate me. I end up acting more like the big bad wolf than little red riding hood when I have to deal with their drama.

McKenzie said...

Love your copy machine story!

Noelle said...

Poor Red Riding Abe...

I loved the scripture talk mixed with fairy tale talk...

Emmy said...

Love it!! Love it! Why can't things just work right? I wish I could see you trying to grow another copier :)

MiMi said...

I'm personally convinced that technology is out to get me. Also? Have you seen Office Space? Love how they take the printer out and beat the crap out of it with baseball bats in a field.

Stolen Sentiments said...

SO awesome. If you swap out "printer" for "copy machine", you have my office right now (9/15 tax deadline - every printer in the office is out of order, of course). I shall direct you to this link, until I can post it on my own blog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4NqmD_dX2Q

lindsey v said...

Very, very funny fairy tale.

Kristen said...

Momma Copier MIGHT have appreciated your butt cheeks more than baby, but then again, you might want to consider the consequenses if you decide to try that out= since you DID point out her Ceserean scar - Have you seen the size of some of those copier heads???

mintifresh said...

Thanks for the visual! I totally see you skipping down the wall with a red cape on! hhahahahahaa

Kelley said...

You are NUTS, LRRA!! Just nuts and insane and messed up in the head. But that's the kind of person I like, because that kind of person writes this kind of blog. Hahahahahaaaa!!! I was so into the story! I couldn't wait to hear what happened next. I am terribly sorry those billygoats ate your crumbs. I hope you found them later and tied them all together with your red cape.

Mikki said...

THe fact that poppa copy machine goes into heat in september really cracked me up!
Gotta' love those school budget cuts. Where would education be without them?

Lisa Loo said...

I was wondering where my red cape went to.......

natalee said...

lol!!!!!!!! you know i appreciate this as a teacher..... lol!!

Lourie said...

The Fairy God Principal! I've got a weird image of a guy in a suit with crown on his head, a wand in one hand and his gun in the other.