Monday, September 20, 2010

Dear Diary: An excerpt from adult Disneyland regular Kevin's journal.

This post was inspired by a man I met while waiting in line at Disneyland 3 years ago.  This man (age 32) had been to Disneyland every day of his life for 8 straight years.  He knew all the workers by name and knew the inside and out of the park.  The following is an exert from his diary:

Not Disneyland. The fam at Disneyworld.
Dear Diary,


Today marks my 2,459th straight day in Disneyland and I must say, I can feel the throbbing pain deep in my thighs.   Fortunately, I only wore one fanny pack, as opposed to my normal three, so my weight was more evenly distributed for maximum wait times. I also wore my new pair of Velcro Cars shoes with inserts so that my feat would remain stable for the parade that would be held later in the eve.


Cast Member Aaron was a real dip-wad today. He was all, "Hey Kevin, isn't Alice In Wonderland a little babyish for you?!"  And I was like, "You're the baby!  You're the one wearing the green overall Capri's and ruffled pirate shirt!"   

He got all huffy when I showed him my year round pass and told him that he was a subservient theme park worker.  IN YOUR FACE AARON!  

The train only circled the park 117 times today, as opposed to it's normal average of 139.  Must have been oodles of stroller passengers, what with their "extra folding time" and their failure to understand the conductor's stern "Passengers with small children should sit away from the aisles" warning.  Morons!

My mom packed me a tuna sandwich today.  I tell her every day, "I DON'T WANT TUNA, MA!  CHIP AND DALE CAN SMELL IT ON ME!  THEY WON'T GET THEIR PICTURE WITH ME!"  Then she has the audacity to tell me to get a job and stop living in my youth.   It's not that I don't appreciate the tuna, it's just that I always end up buying a churro and tossing the sandwich anyway.  But mom doesn't understand that.  She just wants to yell at me for never dating and not eating enough Omega 3's.

I'm 32 years old, I think I can make my own decisions, Ma!

Speaking of dating, I swear Ariel winked at me from her Grotto today.  That's like the third day in a row.  I am thinking of asking her out, but I worry about where our children would attend school.  I prefer they attend the little one in Toon Town.  I think Daisy teaches there.

The birds in the Tiki Room were on fire today!  I mean, they really had it going on!!!  Perfect pitch, excellent tone, an explosive finale.  I've never seen the fellas in such perfect rhythm. I gave them a 5 minute standing ovation.  Cast Member Carol had to finally kick me out because the next group was coming in.

I doubt that next group received the same grand performance as we did.


I drove the Autopia cars today, despite the hour long line.  When I got on, Cast Member Chuck was like, "Now Kevin, we tell you this every time, do not bump the car in front of you."  Chuck is an idiot. 


So, diary, another day down.  Tomorrow I think that I am going to head over to Tomorrow Land and catch Captain E-O before heading to the Peter Pan.  These people, they just get me.

(FYI, my apologies to all my blogging friends.  I have been extremely busy as of late.  I promise to get around to all your blogs asap.)

67 comments:

Dolly said...

I am so honored to be one of the first to post-Yahoo! I've seen those fanny pack guys at Disney Land. (what "dude" wears a fanny-pack?)

Laughed my guts out-'cause I can see one of relatives writing this in his journal:)

Marlene said...

You had me at "fanny pack"....heehee!!!! I'm baaaaack! What? You didn't even notice I was gone?! Sheesh.

Tammy said...

Reading this post and seeing this picture just makes me want to run to Disneyland!

Saimi said...

Sounds like the guy spent too much time in Never, Never Land!

Allyson & Jere said...

Dear Cheeseboy,

Thanks for the laugh.
Oh and also, I TOTALLY get the being extra specially busy. No worries man, life is sort of more important than you know, reading all our blogs.

Disneyly yours,

Allyson
MVPofMesaTown

And for real? Was there really a guy who has been EVERY DAY for 8 straight years? How is this even possible? I'm mystified.

Kristina P. said...

We actually bought a fanny pack in Disneyland. I am so ashamed.

Rachel said...

Guffaw.

Out loud.

Yes.

That good.


And seriously??? Eight years???

Yanet @ 3 Sun Kissed Boys said...

IN YOUR FACE AARON! Giggle, gliggle, snort, snort.

Did this guy look anything like Napoleon Dynamite? That movie makes me giggle, giggle and snort, snort too.

sinika said...

I'm a little surprised he didn't mention all the screaming, bratty children surrounding him in the lines. (Usually that peeves a lone adult right out of his fanny pack...)

Loved this post.

Baby Sister said...

This makes me want to go back...

Cherie said...

My only fanny pack was a Disney one I got years ago - I loved that thing.
This was hilarious - although...You shouldn't mess with Disneyland - Just sayin' (wink!)

Noelle said...

Dear cheese boy, is this a true story? Scouts honor?

W.C.Camp said...

I know they brought back Captain EO last year due to the passing of Michael Jackson, but I think they got rid of that show about 15 years ago. Yeah I went to Disneyland 40 days in a row once but I had a kid so most people thought I was only MARGINALLY a loser instead of a total one! W.C.C.

Cruella Collett said...

Poor, creepy thing. It almost makes me wish Ariel DID blink at him...

DeNae said...

Don't wanna sound like a killjoy, and you can delete this comment if you want, but this guy sounds like he may have had a disability, like Asperger's Syndrome. A 32 year old man who goes to Disneyland Every Single Day, yet doesn't immediately strike casual observers as being anything other than perhaps a little odd? That says Asperger's to me.

ScoMan said...

The whole post I was just wondering "Who can afford 8 straight years of not going to work?"

I shouldn't mock him. My dream was to play video games and watch DVDs all day.. it's not too different to Kevin's.

Joann Mannix said...

Since I live right around the corner from the World, not the Land, I'd like to add, "I was able to invade everyone's personal body space quite efficiently today, including the woman in line in front of me who shot me a dirty look when I stood so close, my leg hair consistently brushed against her calf. Score!"

Sadly, a true story.

baygirl32 said...

I think I want to read the rest of his journal! wonder what he looks like (does the rest of his clothes belong on a 2 old) 3 fanny packs, velco cars shoes are there mickey mouse ears too?

Garden of Egan said...

Are you sure he wasn't really trying out for one of the 7 dwarfs?
The fanny pack one of course.

Copyboy said...

$%$^ peed my pants funny. BTW...I actually remember a story like that dealing with BACK TO THE FUTURE the ride.

Mighty M said...

Oh, poor Kevin.

mama-face said...

LOLOLOL.

We have neighbors who every year purchase their year passes for Disneyland. We live 10 hours away. I have a friend who wears primarily disneywear and probably goes to D.L. 5 times a year. (Not a close friend; more like an aquaintance). My poor 9 year old has never been. He better start schmoozing our neighbors.

Fanny pack and Cars velcro shoes. Smart man/boy.

Jenn said...

Yea, that's what a I figured a 32 year old man that goes to Disneyland everyday would write in his diary! I did love Captain EO though... :)

Kelly said...

I just gotta wonder about a mother who still makes her son tuna sandwiches at 32. I think she bred a monster that never grew up and never learned to do for himself.

I hate to be critical but there it is...

Bossy Betty said...

Kevin sounds like a dreamboat. Any way of hooking me up with him?

Pedaling said...

the life inside the mind of the unusual!

Amanda said...

Every day for 8 years? Holy cow.

And really, you should post a spew rating on some of your posts because my Diet Coke was almost lodged in my keyboard... LOL

Melinda said...

I haven't been to disneyland since I was 12, I wonder if that guy was there then?!

Kristen said...

Thanks for changing it to a HE in the story (jk) although, I could go to Disney every day for 8 years and love it....

M-Cat said...

Where in the crap do you get your creativity! Awesome post!!

Now I desperately want to go to Disneyland. I need some Alice in Wonderland

MiMi said...

Okay, I've done the fanny pack at disney. In fact, I had a PINK one. And I just found a picture of one of our first trips to disney and I made my hubs wear it! A man! In a pink fanny!! Yes!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Kevin does have a job - years from now, someone will pay him millions for his daily accounts of Disneyland and turn it into a book.

Emmy said...

He seriously has gone everyday for eight years?? Wow. Hilarious post

reasonably chubby said...

Man, there are some weird people in this world...! We took a family vacation to Disneyworld one year and had no idea it was 'gayday'. The park was FILLED with grown men screaming like girls, and running from ride to ride. Thanks for jarring that memory. :)

Karen said...

Dude, I love reading your posts. They make me smile, even the ones where your wife is torturing you by waxing your arm hair.

Esther said...

Do you remember once, when we went to Disneyland and Dad was talking to some guy in line that said he lived in a mobile trailer because he "lived in the South" and believed that "all of Florida and the entire East Coast would one day break off and sink into the ocean" and he "wanted to be able to leave as fast as possible when that happens?"
True story.
I wonder if he knows Kevin?

Just SO said...

Having never been to Disneyland I have to say I'm slightly jealous of Kevin.

Sam Liu said...

This is utterly, utterly hilarious, Cheeseboy! So funny, and also quite alarming - give that this *ahem* delightful chap is actually real! I went to Disneyland Paris once and, well, let's just say I'm not a big Disney fan. Going there every day...I simply don't know how anyone could do that :D

Gucci Mama said...

It takes a real man to pull of a fanny pack AND to tell his mom to shove it about the tuna sandwich. I'm in the market for a real man. If you see him again, give him my number.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

I'm impressed with your knowledge of Disneyland, Cheeseboy. Having been there countless times, you did good. Kevin is a smart guy; he chooses churros over tuna sandwiches. Clearly, he's still single. Score (for me)! I'll look for him next time I go there. Thanks for the lead.
xoRobyn

Pearl said...

That was fabulous. :-)

And now I feel kind of silly because, no kidding, I have a note to myself to write about Afternoon Al, a guy I see on the afternoon bus at least once a week who tells me, everytime he sees me, how many days it will be until he vacations in Disneyland.

I kid you not.

Pearl

mintifresh said...

I can't believe his mom would tell him what to do! What a nag!

UnicycleRose said...

Thank you. I savored every bite of that post!

Beth Zimmerman said...

Yikes! That was scary! 8 years is a LOT of life to waste at Disneyland! No worries about busy-ness! It's biting most of us right now!

Beth Zimmerman said...

Yikes! That was scary! 8 years is a LOT of life to waste at Disneyland! No worries about busy-ness! It's biting most of us right now!

lisleman said...

This guy is getting outside anyway. How many of us have spent time everyday on youtube?
Or how many have done some "farming" everyday in Farmville?
This guy is probably smarter than many.

Amy said...

Okay...that just made me want to take another trip to that magical place!

SueLovesCherries said...

Hey Dude! How's school so far? (You really don't have to answer that) Great set of posts these past few weeks - they keep getting better and better! Was disappointed that there's no sound in the torture chamber of arm hair waxing!

Missy said...

O.M.G. That would be hell for me! One day is torture...

Julie said...

As much as I'd love to go back to Disneyland I don't thin I could handle more then a couple days in a row. All those people.
Thanks for the giggle. Take care and have a blessed evening.

T said...

#1 - no apologies necessary since this is my blog foray in days... seems that we were all busy :)

#2 - trying to get our entire family to disneyland has been an impossible feat for the past... ummm... well forever - we're game to try, but if Kevin shows up I swear I'm going to have to kick his mom's-basement-living butt.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

the fanny pack thing is a great idea. Really. Now, cars velco shoes? That totally rocked.
How many times you think he's had his hair done by the princesses?

Connie said...

Kevin had a fanny pack? He can't be all bad! Hands free - valuables close! Even Ariel could wear one!

Kelley said...

You made me laugh out loud all over that dang post! I felt like I was back at Disneyworld. I'm pretty sure Kevin was kept trying to get in our teacup in the Mad Hatter ride. He insisted on sitting on the silver "steering" wheel in the middle and kept getting knocked off. He was obsessive about catching the mouse (rat? rabbit?) that was peeking it's head out of the teacup at the top of the ride and then he'd lose his balance on the steering wheel and knock his blasted head on the teacup. He really slowed our quest for intense nausea. Tell Kevin to quit ruining the dang teacup ride for everyone, since you apparently know him so well!!

Hart Johnson said...

*snarfle* Kevin seems to be missing that Disneyland is supposed to be the happiest place on earth. Probably a trip to Alcatraz would cause a suicide scare.

Gerb said...

WOW... that's all I can say. Wow.

I'm pretty sure Kevin was in front of me in the line for the Dumbo ride about 4 years ago.

Ashlee said...

Are you really busy Abe or do you just hate my blog? What, the little people aren't good enough for you anymore?

Loved this post by the way :)

Sandra said...

I think I saw that guy this summer at DisneyWorld. But he was back to three fanny packs to evenly distribute the weight! (you are so funny, I'm still laughing out loud!)

Diane J. said...

I lost it with the warning for the parents of younger ones (holding up the train) and then the Morons! We went to the Fair last night and the train was held up because of a group of morons, LOL.

GrammyMouseTails said...

I went to Disney world once. I think I bought my 1st fanny pack there! it was red! do you think Kevin is independently wealthy?? even with a pass and just getting a churro, it's still gotta cost a few bucks, ya know? and maybe mom is making those tuna sandwiches with mayo hoping Kevin gets food poisoning, gets a bad tummy ache & blames it on something he saw at Disney so he never wants to go again! just wondering...

The Church Lady said...

I picturing Kevin to be a total dweeb. Hmmm, I wonder if I will one day see this guy on the Today Show for breaking some kind of record for spending the most days at Disneyland...

Martha said...

I love Captain Eo, think he is at Epcot though. The Michael Jackson song for Captain Eo is a favorite.

Dick said...

okay, so I love Disneyland but even this story creeped me out a bit.

tammy said...

I so get him. I would go every day if I could. I'm going through Disneyland withdrawals right now.

(and for the record, I have 494 posts in my Google Reader. life is busy)

Powdered Toast Man said...

Kevin's mom is a douche. Why won't she just let him be a 6 year old kid.

Joy Hollingshaus said...

My son just came by to see what was making me laugh so loud....then he saw the tears streaming down my checks from laughing so hard at your posts....then he had to yell to everyone else in the house about the tears running down my cheeks from laughing so hard...All I can say, is thanks for all the posts. I needed that laugh today! I will be baaaackkk!

Marla said...

No really? The guy seriously goes every day? I grew up in California and we went about 4 times a year. I thought that was a lot.

Anyway, funny stuff as usual, Cheeseboy!