I have just begun the process of training for a marathon. I may sign up for the Deseret News Marathon on July 4, or I may just go out and run one by myself. Either way, I will be running 26.3 miles in approximately 12 weeks. I am fully ready to commit myself and train for this holy event.
I had originally planned on running in the SLC Marathon that was held last Saturday. I was not ready and I did not prepare properly.
About 5 years ago, I was on a running kick, but not to the extreme I am now. It was during this period that I experienced the most embarrassing moment of my life. Before I tell this story, please be advised that it is very disgusting. Please also be aware that this story is 100% true. I have in no way embellished it. For further proof, ask my wife. She will verify everything.
During this time we lived about a half mile from Liberty Park. This was my preferred training ground as it has a very nice jogging track that went all the way around.
We were scheduled to go out to dinner with Cathi's parents at 6:00. It was 5:00 PM, and I thought I had just enough time to run around the park once and return just in time to leave. Off I was on what was to be an unremarkable run.
I did not go far until I realized that I needed to use the restroom. The need quickly became a necessity as a dark, painful pit developed in my belly. If we are talking numbers here, #2 was not my friend.
I ran to the middle of the park, where I knew there was a cluster of restrooms. Being that it was October and 5:30 in the evening, the men's restroom was locked. I frantically looked around as my options were either to find a restroom or poo my pants. Thankfully, I saw a mother and her son leaving the "family" restroom. I ran as fast as I could and caught the door just as they were leaving. The moment I caught the door was the same moment that I indeed had poo'd my pants. Just a little.
The family restroom consisted of a single toilet and a sink. However, I had no time to check my surroundings. I simply sat down and allowed nature to take it's course. It was diarrhea in it's truest and ugliest form. Water splashed, tears were shed and a mess was created. At long last it came to an end.
As I reached for the toilet paper, I was in for a newfound shock. Gone! Nothing left but the cardboard center. It would have to do. I tore it off and used it as a scraping device. It was not an ideal scraping device as it was creating more mess than it was cleaning. Stuff was getting everywhere! I finally scraped the last of it from my shorts and threw it away in the garbage. As I cleaned up in the sink, I noticed the mess I had made of the walls around the toilet and now the sink. Needless to say, I had created a masterpiece.
I finally made myself presentable and decided it was time to leave. As I opened the door, I noticed 3 mothers and their kids waiting to use the restroom. Apparently, I had been in there for quite some time. Nervously, I opened the door and said to those waiting "I AM NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE! GEEZE!" And then I ran.
I ran fast. As fast as I could. But I did not run far. The dampness of my shorts had created quite an area of friction on my upper thighs. I had probably only ran 2 blocks before running had become impossible. My run soon became a waddle. I waddled from the park all the way home. It was the most agonizing mile I have ever traveled.
As I finally approached the house, I recognized my in-laws car parked at my house. Glancing at my watch, I realized it was 6:15! I was 15 minutes late! Worse yet, I was in no way presentable.
I rushed through the door at full speed, fully aware of my awful aroma. As I ran to the restroom, the front room filled with a smell from the netherworld. I yelled to my wife and in-laws sitting on the couch, "CAN'T STOP NOW! GOT TO TAKE A SHOWER!"
To this day, I am still not sure what my in-laws know. I do know that they know that I was late, in a huge hurry and smelled like poo. I am sure they put the pieces together. My most embarrassing moment ever.
Anyway, I am training for a marathon. Wish me luck!