Actually, if anyone wants to just loan me a dog every other day for an hour or so, that would work too. Let me explain.
I often run around Murray Park. There is a small pond in the park that is guarded by a flock of Canadian Geese. The path runs right along this pond. Whenever I run by the pond, there is a lone white goose that stands right in the middle of the path. The goose is and ever shall remain my nemesis.
The goose stands right in the middle of the path and hisses at me. I move left, he moves left. I move right, he moves right. I charge him, he flaps and charges me back. I am not sure why he does this. It could be because the first time I ran into this bird, I taunted it and waved my finger at it like "not in my house!" I was like a white, short Dkembi Mutumbo after he blocks a shot. But instead of blocking a shot, I was scaring a bird. Kinda the same thing.
The goose wants revenge. I can feel him watching me from the time I turn the corner into his view. It has no fear of me. However, I have noticed that there is one kryptonite to foil this fowl's powers. The wooden stake that will do the job I need is...a dog.
I don't really want a dog to pet or take care of or even to love. I want an attack dog that will kill this poisonous beast. I have noticed that as soon it sees a dog, fear will enter into it's eyes. I want a dog fast enough to catch it and tear it's head off. I want to see this goose suffer! Maybe I should call Michael Vick?
An attack dog with great speed and maybe extra long claws will cover up the dastardly qualities that I so embarrassingly possess. Sure, I am slightly ashamed to be afraid of a 30 pound pile of feathers. Yet at the same time, I am not ashamed that I want this bird dead. Up until the attack dog came into my mind my weapon of choice was a tennis racket. I cling to the hope that one day my jogging path will remain forever clear.
Note to PETA - If you plan on suing me for killing a goose, then get in line. The goose has already threatened me with that. But maybe that was just a dream?