Saturday, April 19, 2008

The Chronicles Of An Eat Anything For A Laugh Boy.

As most people know, I will do just about anything for a laugh.  This is evidenced by an excellent track record of crazy things I have eaten in my life. It all started as a young scout, eager to make the others chuckle for attention.  This quest continues even today. If you have not have heard about my vast and expansive list of things that I have eaten, I will now spell it out for you.

1. It all started with a dare.  I was offered $10.00 for one lick of bugs from the windshield.  This was after a long trip from SLC to Moab.  Needless to say, it would not have taken 10 bucks and a seed was planted.  Age=12.

2. Again, as a scout, for every merit badge earned, our scoutmaster would purchase us a milkshake at the grand ol' Millies.  Well, after about my 3rd shake in a month, I got bored.  I decided to try a peanut butter/licorice milkshake.  I can still remember the face of the lady taking my order.  Sort of half disgusted, half intrigued.  I could see her laughing as she added the peanut butter.  I finished the entire thing for $2.00.  Age=14

3. At said Millies Burgers, I ate 5 full cups of fry sauce.  I do not think I was paid at all to do this.  Age=about 14.

4. On a dare, I ate an entire strawberry pie one night at about 1:00 AM at Dees.  I was paid the cost of the pie for this task by my buddies.  Age=17ish

5. As a scoutmaster, a kid caught a fish.  As it came out of the water, I reached down and bit the head off.  It was very difficult to bite through the backbone, but I was able to accomplish this feat with a tearing motion, not unlike a caveman.  I was paid nothing, but the looks on the boys face was priceless.  Age = 22

6. I don't remember when or where I did this...if I recall it was at a girl from East High's house.  Anyway, I ate an entire stick of butter.  This was a bit of a haze of a night so I don't remember why I did this or how much I was paid, if anything.  I do remember that people laughed and laughed hard. Age=17 or 18?

7.  3 years ago, a 7 year old in my class brought in a small potato bug from recess.  He was playing with it on the rug and I asked him to bring it to me.  I popped it in my mouth and swallowed it to the shrills and screams of the girls.  That was great fun. Age = 28, prize= hearing the uncontrollable laughter of 25 seven year olds

8.  I once purchased a Gyro from the vending machine at the office.  If there is one thing you take from this post, it is this: never buy a vending machine Gyro!  A good life lesson. Age = 25, I was paid $3.00 by a buddy to finish it.

9.  On my mission, I was served some potato salad by this really strange lady in the backwoods of PA.  I still remember her name: Patty Griswald.  I noticed that this was the only thing on the menu for the meal, and liking potato salad, I really loaded up.  Little did I know that the mayo was a bit rotten, the eggs were not cooked all the way and there was way too much mayo.  There was no way I was finishing this plate.  I could not even stomach two bites.  I just sat there for about a half hour, and I noticed my companion had barely eaten any as well.  We told the lady that there we were so full and we could not finish.  She was so braindead, she did not really know the difference.  The funny thing is, we told her that it was awesome and that she needed to make it for the sister missionaries the next night...which she did! Age=19, with no cash reward

10.  About 3 months ago, I tried the "country fried fish fingers" from the school cafeteria.  This was the grossest thing I have ever eaten in my life. Age =31, once again, no cash reward.

Too bad fear factor is not on anymore!  I could totally clean up.  I am amazed Cathi will still kiss me.


Tammy said...

Very interesting Abe! I remember the fish head story but I have not heard the licking of the windshield nor the potato bug. I will never look at potato bugs the same!!!

If I wasn't so sleepy I could probably add to your list. I don't think you've ever had a "normal" milkshake! I remember way, way back when my family went to the Polar King in Heber City. I don't remember what you put in the milkshake but I thought it was something like pickles????

I just had a lightbulb moment! Maybe this is why you have so many health problems!! The potato bug crawls around to places where it shouldn't be!

Kerianne said...

Abe you are too funny. I just told my kids yesterday that trout treasures will be served on Monday. I wondered who in their right mind would try these?

Eric thinks this is a good time to fess up to what I have done more than once for a laugh. I have a bad habit of dancing on the table at restaurants after a meal. I've done this in my college days at a midnight taco bar with a virgin margarita in my hand. I also did it a few years ago with a bunch of moms at a restaurant in New York. We were sick of waiting for our check. They brought it right over.

Cheeseboy said...

Tammy - YES, I now remember the pickles! That was when Cathi and I were dating, so I was doing my darndest to impress her. I have wondered if my health problems were from odd things in the past??? Like, is that windshield finally coming back to haunt me in the form of chest pains?

Cheeseboy said...

Kerianne - I have been sitting here the last 5 minutes trying to imagine you dancing on a table with a margarita, and I just can not do it. That is something Eric definitely needs to youtube if he has the footage. As far as the "trout treasures"...there are always two or three brave souls that try it. It always makes me laugh because they hear the word "treasure" and they think there will be a prize with it or something, like at McDonalds. They almost always end up throwing it away.

Tammy said...

Abe, I'll never understand why you think pickles in a milkshake might impress a girl but somehow it must have worked since you've been married for 10 years!

Maybe the bugs cause your heartburn/reflux because they're trying to get out!!