Tuesday, November 16, 2010
An Open Letter from the Glee Club Jazz Band members to Will Schuester.
As Glee Club Band Leader, I have been nominated by the rest of the band to write you a brief letter of concern to outline our feelings of discontent. I have chosen this method of communication due to your insane and unjust rule that Glee Club band members are NOT allowed to speak or use their voice in any way when in the presence of the all-holy, singing Glee Club members.
First, we do not appreciate our pathetically anonymous contributions to your little club. Do you have any idea what we go through as Glee Club band members? The regular Glee Clubbers get slushies thrown in their faces. Slushies? We'd kill for slushies! Last week I came home and my mom asked me if I had been looking for my trumpet in the Humane Society's dumpster again.
Secondly, we would like to address the issue of music selection. Look, we realize we are amazing musicians, but we can not continue to be expected to be able to play any musical number in the history of mankind on a second's notice. You do realize that it takes some time to actually practice and learn the music, don't you? Maybe your "gifted" 28-year-old-high school students with chiseled bodies can learn a song in 20 seconds, but we actually need to see the sheet music.
Our third concern is the perpetual habit that you have of yelling "HIT IT" and expecting us to simply know what song it is that you want us to play. Although Chang swears that he can read minds and that's why he is such a great percussionist. Most of us in the band do NOT have this superhuman ability.
Fourthly, we are tired of Quinn taking over the drum set. Just because he is the starting quarterback does NOT mean he can just commandeer our drums. We have a classically trained drummer. His name is Chang. Chang tells us that Quinn thinks he runs the place.
Fifth: The above goes for the kid in the wheelchair and his desire wheel over and play Jamie's Gibson guitar whenever he feels like it.
Finally, we as a band would appreciate a little credit now and again. Do you realize we had to learn every single Britney Spears song in a single week along with FIVE Journey songs? And the very next week we had to learn how to "mash up" Neil Diamond's Cracklin' Rose and Coolio's Gangster's Paradise! We bust our butts and what do we get in return? Not even a nod of approval.
Thank you, Mr. S. We look forward to working with you under new, improved conditions. We also look forward to soon making out with Rachel and Mercedes. We know that you can make this possible.
The Glee Club Band
PS: Just as an FYI, Mr. S: We as a band think that it is a very, very BAD idea for your female students to be meeting you alone at your house to talk about their "feelings". We are actually a little surprised you are still employed as a teacher.