Thursday, November 18, 2010

A week in Cheeseboy Facebook status updates. (And Song of the Day.)

I put a lot of time and effort into my facebook status updates.  Nothing makes me happier and more fulfilled than a well crafted update.  The only things that I can think of that comes close are the births of my children and maybe the time I appeared in a major local television commercial at the age of 12.  Anyway, here are my last ten updates:


1. I have total and complete respect for Vegans. What I don't have respect for are cows and that is why I eat them.

2. Let it be known that on this, the 17th day of November, in the year of our Lord 2010; with my two boys screaming at each other in the back seat of my car at the top of their lungs, that I, Abe, threatened to convert the entire family to Jehovah's Witnesses and that I would be notifying Santa of our conversion via text message.

 

3. Grateful for grateful facebook status updates that inform me of what you are grateful for. Especially if that thing you are grateful for is me and my awesomeness.

 

4. If they really wanted to sell more Diaper Genies, they would make it so every time you opened it, Robin William's voice would yell, "GOOOOOD MORNING POOP BOMB!"

 

5. If I were the cab driver that picked up the losers that were fired on The Apprentice, I would totally rub it in their faces. Not because they lost, but because they were on 'The Apprentice'. And if they tried to make fun of me for being a cab driver, I'd tell them that I am actually a millionaire that owns a cab comp...any and I am on an episode of 'Undercover Boss'.

 

6. If the Nazis really wanted to get Indiana Jones to talk, they would have had him teach first graders on an "inside recess" day.

 

7. As a guy first grade teacher this year, I don't know how many times I have wondered if I could strangle myself with those darned silly bandz!

 

8. I swear that the old lady that gave me my voting card today is the same one that gives me free toothpicked sausage at Costco on Saturdays. I know this because she was wearing plastic gloves, smelled of Kilbasa and glared angrily at my starving children.

 

I'd also like to reboot an old Blog O' Cheese feature: the Song of the Day.  Today's song comes from a little band I have taken a liking to from Brooklyn.  They are known as "The National" and the song is called "Bloodbuzz, Ohio".  I can promise you this: listen to this song while running and you will run an average of 4-5 MPH faster. 

 

43 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I am currently watching The Apprentice right now. I loved that the guy who got fired last week for unethical behavior had to walk.

Rachel said...

I bow to your awesomeness (and am gratefully grateful for it)...

The Jehovah's Witness had me chuckling. Then you knocked the Apprentice one out of the park.

You rock.

Jillybean said...

Your Facebook status updates always make me chuckle :0)

Eva Gallant said...

Love the Jehovahs witness threat! Good one. Did you get my email re: Studmuffin hunt? I have five volunteers...I need 12. Would love it if you would jump on the band wagon.

Miley said...

I generally have to refrain from commenting on your statuses. I mean, I find them extremely hilarious but I don't want your wife to think that I am in love with you... or that I would laugh if you threw poop at me.

T said...

can't listen to your song of the day - it being nearly 4 in the morning...

I apparently need to friend funnier people on facebook, because all I read are about so and so's trip to the doctor or headaches (oh wait, that was probably my own...)

Mamma has spoken said...

I am so laughing at you converting to Jehovah's Witnesses! I have a student now who is one and it is a pain in the a**! Not only is it Christmas, it's every frigen holiday AND birthdays! Ugh,makes me wish they had their own schools.....

Jenn said...

Ok... you got me, I didn't put it as my status update, but I so wanted to, because I, like so many, LOVE how awesome you truly are!!!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Did Santa take you off his list then?

Mighty M said...

You must get a lot of "likes". :)

Connie said...

I'm late for work and yet I had to stop to read your post! Now I'm making a comment that will make me even later! Darn You!
Inside recess day is the pits!

I'm running a race on Thanksgiving morning...in the cold...in the snow. I'll need this song cranked up loud and clear so I can get through the torture I put myself through.

Have a good weekend.

Oilfield Trash said...

I agree with the Nazi comment.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Yay, I can comment now. Thrilling comment. Huh? Happy Friday, friend. xo

Nicole said...

You never fail to make me laugh. :-) Excellent, as always!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

although these are all true? There is NONE truer than the inside recess day one. None. You should see Minnesota in January, and what a classroom looks like when they've been in for a WEEK.

Pearl said...

I, too, am grateful for your awesomeness.

And let me know when you're ready for recess, because it's only November and I feel like I've been indoors for months...

Pearl

Georgina Dollface said...

I love your FB status updates. You've elevated them to an art form.
FYI - When I glanced at the title of today's post I did a doubletake because at first I read "Cheeseboy Factory" and I thought "Now THERE'S a restaurant I would wait two hours to get into." - G

Melinda said...

I used to try and have funny Facebook status's but nobody get them...

The last funny one I did was yesterday when we had a huge hail storm, so I put "What the hail was that this morning?!" You know, with a smiley face and everything. I didn't get any comments. So I'm thinking people think not only do I swear but I also can't spell swear words right. Dam it.

Joann Mannix said...

Cheese, we really are of the same mind when it comes to music. Dear me, how I love The National.

I went to my class reunion recently and the compliments I cherished the most were not the ones about how I hadn't changed or even the stupido who said to me, "Well, I see you're still short." No, it was the compliments I received on my Facebook. I had a couple people tell me they love my FB statuses and that to me, was the best compliment I could ever get.

And what is with those Jehovah Witnesses? How can you not celebrate holidays or birthdays? They need to rename their religion, The Fun Suckers.

Lindsay said...

#2 is hi.lar.ious. Ha!

randine said...

I LOVE the one with the Apprentice. It's very well thought out- how you'll tell them you're on Undercover Boss. Brilliant.

All my friends on FB have totally boring statuses. It's always like "TGIF" or "making chicken for supper tonight." I've actually deleted friends from FB because I hate their uninspired updates- one was constantly laundry related. I mean- if your not even going to try- what is the point?

Saimi said...

Dang I wish my kids were little again so I can use the Santa threat!

baygirl32 said...

#2 and #4 are PRICELESS

Kristen said...

Better late than never? LOVE The National. How about Mumford and Sons?

Vanessa said...

I am grateful for grateful status updates only when grateful isn't spelled greatful.

Corrina Terry said...

Hilarious! We are all grateful you make us laugh.

Something we have in common---I was in a local TV commercial when I was 8!

Also---I almost went insane today when I had to keep 31 7th graders QUIET for 3 1/2 hours while they wrote for a writing proficiency test. They weren't supposed to leave their seats except for potty breaks. Oh, and no talking. Yeah, right.

Thanks for the laughs!!! I especially hee-hawed on the converting to JW and telling Santa to get your kiddos to stop fighting. I'm going to try it!!!! :o) (The Santa part won't work, but the JW one will scare them.)

Pat Tillett said...

We have freaking bandz all over our house! When one of our catz chokes on one, there will come a reckoning...

All of your status updates are great and funny!

Powdered Toast Man said...

My favorite was #2. I wonder what kind of phone Santa has and what service.

You lied, I only ran about 2mph faster cuz of that song. I want part of my membership fee back.

Dolly said...

Honk if you hate peace and quiet!!!

Unknown Mami said...

#1 is my favorite!!!

I'm grateful for people who overshare on their status updates because it keeps me from having to watch soap operas.

Marnie said...

All of your status update messages are brilliant, however #6 is so very true! My daughter is in grade 1 and her teacher...well, let's just say she really earns her pay :0D

Lisa Loo said...

I am facebook stupid--how do I find you or friend you or whatever it is you do over there so that i might bask in EVEN MORE of your cheesy glow?? And why does it always say that facebook is misspelled??

Missy said...

I am constipated from Silly Bandz!!!!

Mikki said...

I adore number two!
hmmm,that just doesn't sound right does it?
Number six is pretty good too.

Emmy said...

Lol! Love it. Yes your status are much better than mine

KyAnn (like Cayenne Pepper, only HOTTER) said...

Add me as a facebook friend so I can experience this realtime. KyAnn Checketts. I'm prettysure I'm the only one with that name.

Amy said...

Hilarious!

Baby Sister said...

I love Undercover Boss!!

mice_aliling said...

I love The National. I have their discography on my ipod ;)

M-Cat said...

That song will now be going on my ipod.

And I am all about converting to Jehovah Witness'es and skipping the whole holiday.

Susan Tipton said...

Can I just cut and paste #1 into my status bar?

Lolidots said...

You rock.
a)Why haven't I thought of the converting threat?! My kids are rotten to the core and don't really care if Santa or anyone else sees it.
2)You could also fake out the Apprentice losers by pretending to be Cash Cab.
c)Your fb updates are so much more exciting than mine. My coolest recent update had to do with my desire to be the next Judge Judy so that I could just yell at stupid people all day long.

Justin said...

Great statuses! Fantastic and funny!

But...

You said (and I quote): "Anyway, here are my last ten updates:" and then you only listed eight. I'm feeling a little cheated here. Like maybe I'm not getting my money's worth.

Aside from that relatively major oversight, I find you a fairly funny fellow. Thanks for the laughs.