Monday, November 29, 2010

The Religiously Ignorant Fruit Basket

The banana bent over and pleaded the pear for a little more space.  During shipment, the banana had become wedged between the pear and an apple and it could no longer feel it’s stem. 

‘Excuse me, madam”, the banana gently urged.  “Might you be kind enough to scrunch over just a tad?” 

The pear tightened her face and boldly wiggled her hips forward to create more space.  “I’m sorry sir”, she anxiously replied.  “It’s just that I have been cursed with this damned pear shape my entire life.”

The plum grunted and juicingly grinned from the back of the basket. “Curse?  More like a blessing in my book!  There hasn’t been a single supermodel that has begged her trainer for a more curvaceous plum shape.”  

Banana unpeeled his eyes from the bickering fruity divas and peered out the cold, frosted window. He wondered aloud where their end destination could be.  “You fruits have any idea where we are heading?” he asked.

“Not a clue, but given that it is early in December, I assume we are headed somewhere Jewish.” The grape whined.  “No way in heck we’d last until Christmas.”

The peach turned glum.  “I can’t go somewhere Jewish.  I’m tropical!  And there’s no way I’m kosher.” 

“I don’t think that matters” replied the banana.  “I think Jewish folks can eat whatever they want.  I’m pretty sure the whole kosher thing only applies to salted meats.”

There was a gasp from the wrapped salami that was hiding at the bottom. 

“No, salami!  I’m sure you are safe.  There’s no way any self-respecting Jewish man or woman would ever waste their time on you.”

The banana forced itself into trying to sound convincing.

“Well, if we are not headed somewhere Jewish, maybe we are bound for a Catholic baptism?” the apple exclaimed in a hopeful, saucy tone.

There was a low, lamenting moan produced from the produce.  “Not this again!” the banana wallowed.  “What is it with you and your incessant need to get eaten by a Catholic person?”

The apple blushed.  “I don’t know.  I hear they circumscribe.” 

“Don’t you mean circumcise?” pined the apple. 

“What?  No.  Circumscribe.  Circumscribe!”

The banana shrugged.  “I think you are both confused.”  They were clearly plum crazy.

The grape looked a little sour and stared into the distance.  “What if we are headed to a Mormon household?”

Pineapple had heard enough and chimed “I am pretty sure Mormons only eat carrots, Jello and fake potatoes smothered in cheese. Fruits are forbidden.”

“I hear they can’t even pierce their navels” tarted the orange.   “And grape, you better pray that it takes a long time.  If we are headed to a Muslim mosque, they can only eat fresh grapes.  Raisins are a huge no-no.”

Salami was once again heard from the bottom of the basket.  “What about salted meats?  Can Muslims eat salted meats? “

Banana split the answer into two.  “Mormons no.  Muslims, yes.”

Salami prayed for the Mormons.

Just as the basket was about to rock with worry, the delivery van pulled into the parking lot of a Kingdom Hall of the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

“What is this place?” the pineapple asked.

The banana froze as a man lifted them from the back.  He whispered to the others, “I don’t know, but I’m a little concerned by the lack of windows in that place.  It is no place for a fruit to spoil.”

My apologies for the lack of posts lately.  Hopefully this semi-offendable post will make up for it.  I also apologize that I have not been around to visit your blogs.  I will shortly.


Finally, I rarely if ever do any blog pimping, but I have a friend that is just getting into it and could use some love.  Check out Silk Road here.

48 comments:

Donda said...

Dangit! Now I want a smoothie! :)

Oilfield Trash said...

If the muslims could have only tasted my thanksgiving ham, they would understand what I mean when I say that swine is fine.

Pat Tillett said...

These fruit baskets often suffer from "multiple personality disorder!" This one is no exception!

great and funny post!

Eva Gallant said...

Very clever! And of course, funny!

Corrina Terry said...

Fun! Fun! Fun! :o))))))))

Copyboy said...

See now I'll feel sad every time I order a fruit basket. BTW...bananas are jewish? I had no idea they got circumcised.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

This is very clever and humorous. I love your creative play with words - e.g., the banana's eyes peeled, one of the fruit's tarted.. Of course, my favorite lines were the Jewish ones. We do like our whine. I mean wine. xo

Melinda said...

I'm hungry. Thanks a lot. :)

I Wonder Wye said...

Glad i just ate. I swear the apple moaned as I crunched into it...

The Church Lady said...

I think the fruit baskets and the fruit cakes should have it out! LOL. Cute post!

M-Cat said...

I will certainly take the salami - I don't know how the Muslims do it without the salted meat!

Kristina P. said...

Man, I really peel for ya.

Jillybean said...

We can't eat salted meat? Why didn't I get the memo?

what about chocolate covered strawberries, wehre do they fit in?

Nicole said...

I like that fruity take on it all!

Kelley said...

I'm laughing out loud! I kept thinking, "Is that true about the Mormons?" Okay, confession...I don't think I've ever "talked" to as many Mormons IN ALL MY LIFE than I have within this last year via blogs. I was wondering for a while if my Mormon readers thought I was Mormon. I laughed to myself the other day when I realized that there's no way they could think I was Mormon (at least not a "good one"), as I have a Coke machine at the top of my blog, for cryin' out loud! I know for a fact (as I know you do as well) that Mormons don't drink caffeine based on a recent baby shower experience. I remember thinking they hadn't fully set up for it yet, because...ummm...there as only water. And maybe some lemonade. I was searching their underwear drawers and safes for the Coca-Cola products and tea. Ha! Sorry to go off on this tangent... Your funny post made me do it. Oh, and one last thing, your recent comment on my blog made my day! So glad I'm tops on your blogging list...or headed that way...or pointed in the right direction...or on the same hemisphere. Thanks.

Sadako said...

Wonderful post as ever. :D

I'm sure many a woman was happy to read about you extolling the virtues of the pear shape.

Joann Mannix said...

Is that in the Mormon commandments? The jello thing? We Catholics have a rule that we must drink the wine. It's really a great religion.

My brother-in-law is Jewish and because I am a shikse who is full of mishegas (this is what my bil's grandmother labeled me), I often tempt my brother in law with bacon and other mighty fine pork products when he's visiting.

He always bites. Literally.

baygirl32 said...

why am I craving fruit salad?

Mamma has spoken said...

You know, at first I thought you were going to get a little porno going on here, sigh, I was wrong...

Jenn said...

LOL...mmmmmmm fruit baskets!!

Connie said...

What's the old saying? Oh yeah, "you're nuttier than a fruit cake!"

T said...

yes... we've been wondering where all your witty posts and comments had gotten to. Good thing I gave up on the "only do a new post when Cheeseboy has commented on the last one" idea :)

and now I think I'll go eat some of my huge fruit basket... a better choice than the pie I had for breakfast.

Hey, it was a yogurt pie... which is sort of healthy... in comparison.

Emmy said...

Lol! Love it. Pear shape :)

tammy said...

I don't know why but I'm craving fruit salad.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You are forgiven. For not visiting people. The whole fruity thing is another deal.

00dozo said...

Dang! This was hilarious! Happy Chanukkah(?)! (I'm part Jewsish by osmosis.)
;-)

Jess said...

Holy crow... guess Im on the bad mormon list.. cuz I totally drink coke... AND eat salted meats.. AND eat fruits!!! OMGosh!! lol...

SHould I leave my mailing addy so you all can just send over a fruit basket now?lol...

Hope all is well.. stop by when you can...

The Invisible Seductress said...

This is brilliant I say!!! BRILLIANT!!!

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

Wow - very offensive- ish! :-) Funny stuff Abe!

Unknown Mami said...

I don't appreciate the way you stereotype bananas. I'm gonna split.

Missy said...

LOL! Very Funny!

Lisa Loo said...

Loved it all but the last time I got a fruit basket with a salami in it, there was a block of cheese too. Is that how you know what the convo was in that basket?

Sorry--I ran out of my pain meds and have become stone stupid and completely unfunny. Rather sad....

FabuLeslie said...

Another delightfully light post. Just like the fruit smoothie I had for breakfast. Love it.

Baby Sister said...

I will never look at fruit the same way again...

Marnie said...

Make like banana and spit...bahah! Great post as ususal.

Don't feel bad for not posting, life first blogging second.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

That was the best. You are right. No model has ever asked for a plum shape!

Impulsive Addict said...

Well great. I just got into my bed and then I read your post. All I want right now is some fruit. Thanks a lot. I've already brushed my teeth!

Hart Johnson said...

BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But are you sure the mormons don't sometimes put fruit IN the jello? or is that only canned fruit?

Heff said...

Sometimes when in a crowded room, I whip my banana plum out of my pants and ask every one "Ain't that a peach !?!"

It takes a lot of pineapples, but it weeds out the fruits in the room.

Orange ya glad I left this comment ?

Megan said...

I know just how that pear feels - I've had similar squishing difficulties squeezing in the backseat of a car!

DeNae said...

Good to know I'll have company in the "Offensive Mormons" corner of hell. I'll bring the diet coke; you bring the fruit.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Hey, that was my Basket O'Fruit!

Aww Nuts...I hate when I lose out on a neurotic meal.
;-)

Pat said...

I have the sudden urge to go squeeze some fruit!

middle child said...

Address? E-mail me - Middlechild54@gmail.com

Powdered Toast Man said...

What no mango?

SueLovesCherries said...

You must be trippin' - no one in their right mind would write a post like that. (But, then again, you never claimed to be in your right mind!)

I wonder if they give Academy Awards for insane blog posts . . .

Candace said...

How do you come up with this stuff? You crack me up every time! Thanks! I've missed popping over here for a laugh. :0)

Have a great weekend,
Candace

Teachinfourth said...

I'll never eat fruit again…

Thanks, you're my new excuse.