If I were Neil Diamond I'd go get free samples from Costco and when the old ladies told me what aisle the food was on, I'd look at them in disappointment and say, "Do you even know who I am?"
If I were Britney Spears, I'd ask Justin Beiber over. We'd shave our heads, have him get a butterfly tattoo on his lower back and force him to watch his own music videos. (*This may or may not have already actually happened.)
If I were Oprah, I'd get those strange lines on my cheeks fixed.
If I were Matt Damon, I would make a public statement that I am in fact NOT Abe and that any resemblance is purely coincidental.
If I were Snooki, I'd try out for the part of DJ Lance's wife on Yo Gabba Gabba.
If I were DJ Lance, I'd start wearing a different color jumpsuit.