Monday, November 1, 2010

It's a world of laughter, a world of tears... the tears of a parent riding this ride.

The following is a transcript from a 1963 Disney meeting. Walt Disney  is speaking to his ride designers.


Here's what I have in mind boys...

We're going to need plastic people.  LOTS OF PLASTIC PEOPLE! I mean, a brigade of plastic people.  A plethora of plastic.  But they can't be normal sized people.  And not even midget sized people.  I'm talkin' smaller than a midget, but bigger than a doll, or around that size.  If you've gotten to midget size, you've gone too big!  If you are at the size of a Barbie, you're way too small. It's as simple as that.

And boys, these plastic people, they need to move.  There needs to be some that can move just their arms.  We'll call these the "arm benders".  And there needs to be some that kick their legs.  We'll call them the "leg kickers".  And some need to spin around in circles.  We'll call these the "revolving revelers".  

Now boys, this new ride, it's going to need a song.  A song so vexing that it will not leave your brain for hours or even days.  It needs to be something that the kids will shout all the way home from the back seats of their dad's Chevy. 

The annoyance level of this song will be our little joke, fellas. Please, do not let those rags out there get a load of this.  It's an inside joke and we don't want the press on our insides.

Here's the thing boys: I need you to make these plastic people SING THIS ANNOYING SONG!  The song needs a driving, repeating chorus that is easy to remember and is like a nail of harmony being pounded into your head.  The little plastic people need to sing this song.  It should probably be a song about love; a song about love that you love to hate. 

All these plastic people, they need jobs.  For instance, the kickers could dance and the arm benders can bang drums.  They are going to need costumes.  Costumes from around the world! But they'll have to be doll sized costumes because adult sizes are just not going to fit them.  We can bring some midgets in to do the sizing.  Or wait, maybe some toddler midgets.

JILL, CAN YOU GET THAT TODDLER MIDGET MEASUREMENT AGENCY ON THE PHONE?  YOU KNOW THE ONE WITH THE TINY HAND HOLDING THE MIDGET HAND IN THE LOGO.  PRONTO!

Okay fellas, back to work.  Now this ride, I want it to be as slow moving as possible.  I want these parents to have to endure every last ounce of this horrific song.  I want it to be boats... yes, boats that move so slowly you could walk faster than they are moving.  These boats need to have tiny benches and hard seat backs.  WE'RE GOING TO MAKE THIS THING UNBEARABLE FOR THOSE PARENTS!

Finally boys, these uncomfortable, slow boats need to float straight through these singing plastic people.  It would be nice if you could make these boats occasionally bump into each other, but that is not really required.  But I do want these boats to go through those plastic, singing midget toddlers.  You boys need to make that happen. 

Alright boys, you have your orders.  Lets get to work.  I want this thing done by the 1964 World Fair.  I want to see the pain on those parent's faces as they get off the wretched thing.  I want to see how long we can make this torture chamber of a ride last.  Think of it as a social experiment of sorts.  I mean, how long will put up with such a ride?  2 years?  5, max?

Alright, that is all.  Now get to work.  By the way, I have decided to start calling you all "Imagineers".  It's cute.  Get used to it.  GET TO WORK!

55 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Can you believe that we actually went on this ride a few months ago, and WE DON'T EVEN HAVE KIDS. It make me hate children and different countries.

Miley (woman:confused) said...

I hate you. I now have "it's a small world" in my head... and you didn't even explicitly SAY it!

Missy said...

It is a Means of Torture that should be used by our Military!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Okay, this is one of my absolute favorites of all of your posts. I love the request for the midget toddlers to do the sizing. Still, it's one of my favorite rides. (BTW, I was hoping you'd guess which one's the lie. I only know one of the ones that you know to be true.) :)
xoRobyn

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Yeah, that about sums it up!

The Bipolar Diva said...

Oh the headache.....

Kate said...

That ride is a like a racism merry go round. And I'm going to be be there in 2 short weeks!!!! WWWAAAAHHHHHHH! I'll be thinking of this post as I endure Small World. It's for the children.

M-Cat said...

That Walt - he was a rascally one!

I made my family go on that ride last time we were there. MADE THEM! They are still working through it with their therapists.

Tree said...

It's a Small World After All, it's a Small World...

Ahh..sorry, it's a catchy little tune! ;) I actually "secretly" loved that ride when I was little..haven't rode it as an adult though.

lisleman said...

you found the beginning of torture marketing.
very good.

Just SO said...

I've never been to the happiest place on earth so I've missed out on the tears that come with riding this ride. Shed a tear for me.

Pat Tillett said...

This ride is just behind "water boarding" and should be banished by NATO as cruel and unusual punishment....

dbs said...

I don't remember much of Disneyland anymore. Alcohol dulls the pain.

baygirl32 said...

most annoying song in the world. ugh

Rachel said...

Oh my Lord - you have managed to completely describe the reoccuring nightmare I had as a child.

See, I turned deaf at 4 - after hearing the song the first time. So the song is STILL stuck in my head 3 decades later, but those creepy doll things? They just do the whole performance to silence while I torture myself mentally with the song.

Yeah... you totally rocked this post!

Amy said...

I will never forget the look on my 12 year old son's face when we made him go on this ride just once. It was priceless! Thanks for now getting that ridiculous song in my head! ;)

Eva Gallant said...

Great post! lol

Nicole said...

You know.. sometimes there are simply no words.. hahaha

Oilfield Trash said...

Great post, annoying song.

Connie said...

Perfect! I can hear old Walt saying that to his crew! Too bad those benches are so hard, it's a perfect ride for sleeping!

Xmas Dolly said...

thank you for stopping by today you should have joined us though whether you have a video or not you can dance with us anytime - sign the linky my friend. I totally love you post today Disney is my most favorite human being in the whole wide world. What a genius/brilliant man. I totally love everything he did. Thanks for writing about him it was totally awesome the way you put it sort of like a parity huh? Have a good one & join us next week. Take care.

MX3 said...

How can you and all of these commentators NOT like the It's a Small World ride?!

It was closed when we went a few weeks ago, and I was totally let down. You can't go to Disney and not ride that ride! It's sacrilegious!

Melinda said...

Hahahaha I LOVE THAT RIDE!! Its been a long time though so the memory might have faded some...

p.s. I'm feeling giddy over the checked "interesting" box, I assume that person believed this was a real conversation from Walt Disney...Oh the joy!

Gigi said...

simply awesome. I love the ride, it makes me sentimental, but I appreciate this post because I get how it could b totally annoying for most :)

Amanda said...

Ouch, my brain hurts. And now this song is stuck in my head and with three days left of a four-day-no-expiration-date pass left?

I am cursed.

(Blessedly, they are park-hopper passes, so I can escape to Epcot afterward...)

FluffyChicky said...

My kids insisted we all go on this ride when we were in Disneyland in June. 30 seconds later, they were both demanding that we get off the ride. So, to punish them, I made them go on it two more times. In a row! I am mean like that.

Jenn said...

It's a small small world!! :) OMG I can remember when my parents took us to Disney World.. I wanted to ride the small world ride over and over and over and I could not for life of me figure out why my parents did not.... now I know :)

Pearl said...

I was on this "ride" in the late 70s and the song truly did stay with me for several days.

I have to go boil my head now.

Pearl

T said...

oh... maybe I'm not so eager to head out to Disneyland after all... I can postpone it for another year :)

Stacy Q said...

Don't forget LOUD. It has to be loud. Yes, yes. And SHRILL. Not so high that only the dogs can hear it, but high and loud, yes, SHRILL is the right word. And Incessant. Relentless. And unchanging. Through the whole ride! Yes, yes, that's it!

Bwwwuaaaah aha ha hah a ha ha hah ha!

Funny how you never hear Disney's Evil Laugh on his taped monologues.

ps. My kids won't go in that ride.

MiMi said...

Most frightening Disney ride ever.

Joann Mannix said...

Please. I live right next door to the Mouse. I have to deal with this on a weekly basis thanks to the sickos who live in this house, who think it's fun to stand in line with Europeans who do not believe in deodorant or personal body space. You haven't lived until you've felt the leg hair of the French man behind you, tickling the back of your calf.

It is a small world, my friend, too small.

The Church Lady said...

Great. Now, like most of your readers, I have that song stuck in my head! It's been a long time since I've been on that ride. But you have to hand it to old Walt, he definitely made it a memorable one. Great post!

Hart Johnson said...

*gigglesnort* Boys are so jaded. I love It's a Small World!

GrammyMouseTails said...

and to think many years ago we "thought" that Vincent Price was the true King of horror! When it was his "ever smiling, nice looking twin "Walt"! He was the one with true evil genius, with ever lasting effects.... Now as a fellow mouse, I could go on to tell you why Mickey talks in that 'high tinny voice' he does, but since this is a "G" rated show, I shall leave it to your imaginations as to what Walt 'crushed' permanently to make poor cousin Mickey speak this way...

mama-face said...

ah. sweet memories. thanks so much. not.

(i thought they closed down that 'ride'-seriously).

00dozo said...

Oh, no you didn't!! I'd rather watch political mudslinging ads all day than sit on that ride ever again.

imbeingheldhostage said...

LOVED it as a kid-- had the ViewMaster reel to prove it, still love it as an adult and forced my kids to ride it several times last year. This summer, it was closed (DW). That's just wrong. Now I'm mad all over again. Think I'll write Disney World right now...

Holly said...

I'm always amnazed how LONG people stand in line WAITING for the torture!! BAHAHAA!!! CLEVER, as ALWAYS, Mr Cheese!!!! ;p

wendy said...

Thanks a lot
been there
sang that
and will probably be singing it all. night. long.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

AGHHH!!! You did it! That song will be in my head ALL NIGHT!!

From Tracie said...

I love this post so much...the fact that they should not be as big as a midget.....that I hate to say this. But I can't restrain myself from telling you that It's A Small World was actually not created by Walt Disney. It was made for the World's Fair and then given to Walt Disney. The one in California is actually the original fair exibit.

It pains me that I know that.

tammy said...

Everyone needs to go on that ride once in their lifetime, just to realize they never ever want to do it again.

Deborah said...

I have never been to either of the Disney-hells/heavens. I'm a bit weird yes?

But I LOVE Walt!

You are a funny man!

Minnie said...

That was seriously hilarious. Never have been to either one of the "Disneys" (I know, weird, with a name like Minnie, right?) Still know which ride you are talking about though, and that song could drive a nun to kill.

Emmy said...

I have been to Disney Land twice and am proud to say I am yet to go on this ride.

Powdered Toast Man said...

I got it!! He was talking about space mountain.

Krista said...

I've had that song in my head since 1975. Once in awhile a new song replaces it briefly. I'm so glad "Pirates of the Carribean" doesn't have a song - THAT is my favorite ride.

Unknown Mami said...

Walt Disney could be such a jerk and very un-PC.

Silver Strands said...

I LOVE that ride. Loved it as a little girl, love it still. But nice try - seeing if you could spoil it for me - gonn have to try harder Cheeseboy :)

lindsey v said...

I actually like the ride. And I love it 10 times more when I go with my 3 year old since she loves it. And I don't even mind that the song is stuck in my head right now.

Marnie said...

I will never look at that ride the same way again...lol. Hilarious :0)

purseblogger said...

This is awesome! We always have to go on this ride when we go there. First for my Mom and now for my kids LOL!

Diane J. said...

I went to Disneyland when I was 9.

I still have to get my kids down there. Somehow I don't think my boys are going to want to go on the ride. But, you know what? I can still remember that song verbatim 30 years later. "It's a small, small world." It must be some sort of brainwashing thing...that's the best I can come up with.

Marla said...

That is exactly how it happened. I believe it.