Wednesday, December 1, 2010

If a soccer mom took over for Santa...

Most modest female Santa on the web.
The following is an excerpt from a speech by a She-Claus mom to the elves just before she embarks on her Christmas Eve night - delivering toys to the good girls and boys around the world. 

Attention Elves! [Echo: Elves... elves... elves]  I SAID, ATTENTION ELVES!

I am NOT going to ask you to be quiet AGAIN!  Do you understand?

First things first: Do these flannel pants with white cotton cuffs and added padding in the buttocks make my butt look big?

Nevermind, nevermind. Don't answer that.  Now, let's get down to business.

Elves, as you can see, I am not the usual, jolly Claus you are used to seeing this fateful night.   Your beloved Santa's in the back of my Dodge Caravan*.  I've got him tied up back there using some bungee cords I got in the Target dollar bins last week.  He better not have those big boots on the back of my seat. 

Don't even try and save him.  I've got the child locks on and they work for elves too.

I've decided to take over his route.  I was talking about it with the girls in spin class and we thought it was a good idea.  I mean, he's always trudging up our kitchens and using our bathrooms in the middle of the night.  I swear, Christmas morning, it smells like reindeer carcass in there.

Now, I'm going to need some help from a couple of you because I am not sure how I am going to get down some of those chimneys.  I've been watching my points real close this past month, but do you realize how many gumdrops are in this place?  Those blasted things are like 3 points EACH! 

While I'm gone, I'd appreciate it if you all would throw your dirty socks in the hamper.  You all know how elf socks can get; after two days, they are as rancid as a reindeer carcass**.  It's not that hard, elves.  The hamper is right in the corner.  You just walk them over and place them in. The hamper is the square thing in the corner of your bedrooms. It's not that complicated.

If you need anything, you can call me on my cell phone.  And if anything, and I mean ANYTHING crazy happens, be sure and take a picture of it so I can BLOG about it tomorrow!

I'll be back by 3:00 AM.  That's usually when I hit the gym anyway.  I'll definitely need hit that elliptical machine after all those cookies and two percent milk I plan on downing!  I don't even want to think about the points I'll be racking up tonight.

Lastly, dear elves, I would like you to understand that it is not polite to refer to a woman's tummy as a "bowl full of jelly."  Maybe that was okay with your last boss, but you have to understand what babies do to a woman's body.  I know you think you are paying me a compliment, but it hurts.  I mean, it really stings.

The time has come.  You call me if anything comes up.ON DASHER AND DANCER AND SWEETIE AND HUNNY .  ON COMET AND CUPID AND SWEET-CHEEKS AND BABE! 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Post script: After I finished this post, I realized this has the makings of a very, very bad Disney movie staring Jamie Lee Curtis.

Post script 2: Just an FYI - You might want to think twice when looking up google images for "Woman in Santa Suit". 

*The "Dodge Caravan" is a vehicle used by moms worldwide.  It is well known for it's mechanical failures and it's lameness. 

** I know I used the metaphor "reindeer carcass" twice, but that is because I picture a whole lot of reindeer carcasses sitting around the North Pole.

55 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I think that if she were knocked up by one of the elves, it would make a great Lifetime movie. Aim for the stars!

SherilinR said...

you are so right. that's got jamie lee curtis written all over it.

Connie said...

Wait, Kristina! I thought we had to keep our comments to a PG-13 rating or lower. I think the Lifetime movie would be an R! Gasp!
I better lay off the gumdrops! I go weigh in tomorrow! Blast those points!

Corrina Terry said...

Ha! That sounds exactly like a woman! How did you do that???
p.s. Kool & the Gang are having a concert in Vegas on New Year's Eve!!!! I'm tellin' ya----Vegas gets ALL kinds of bands! (Old & new!) :o)))))

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

No doubt she would get her own reality show!! When Good Claus' Go Bad .

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I liked your post-scripts even more than the dialogue. Overall, you just pulled 3,000 points ahead of me for this holiday hilarity. Plus, you've got all the guys looking up Santa suits for women. I'm guessing they'll thank you for warning them not to.
xoRobyn

Eva Gallant said...

What a great post! Very original! But if you were going to go for an R rating, she'd be shagging more than one of those elf rascals!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Cracking post! (that's a good comment).
I think Jamie Lee could really pull this off, maybe you should submit the idea.

Tweeks Coffee said...

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Tawny said...

I have been directed here by the lovely 'J' at 'In the Gutter' and I thought your post was great! I too can see JLC in the movie :)

Mamma has spoken said...

I use to drive a Dodge Caravan many years ago. I did have many troubles with it including the doors. glad I don't drive it any more!

Jenn said...

I can totally see Jamie Lee in that roll!! LOL Hey, do you realize how many times you referred to reindeer carcass?? :)

Sausage Fingers said...

What is really sad about this post is that I know someone just like this. A true American soccer "Pain in the ass to everyone else mom"
Yuck..

Melinda said...

Ba ha ha ha! I can't imagine what you found in star number 2! Poor Dodge Caravan owners! At least that will make the kiddies laugh in the movie when the doors fall off, the hood pops up, and the whole car is driving around on the metal tire rims causing sparks to fly everywhere. Oh, wait...I think that has already happened in 200+ movies...

FluffyChicky said...

Snort...my soccer mom sister-in-law just bought a Dodge Caravan 3 weeks ago...and it has already been in the shop TWICE!! I will stick with my Chevy Impala, thank you! :)

Oilfield Trash said...

Awesome post.

The Invisible Seductress said...

buwahahahahaha

Marlene said...

LOL...I can totally see Jamie Lee Curtis in this role! You should send it to her...heehee!

Hart Johnson said...

Movie starring Jamie Lee Curtis--I LIKE it! Very cute.

Kelley said...

I'm laughing out loud over here. I love all of your post scripts. I am so glad you used reindeer carcass twice. It made me laugh both times, so reindeer carcass away!

Joann Mannix said...

If Mrs. Santa was worth her ho-iness, she wouldn't set foot down a chimney, at least not a foot clad in some righteous heels. I mean, Santa's got to be making some major royalties off all the movies and songs and licensing of his image. In fact, she should dump the Caravan and trade it in for a Christmas red Bugatti.

randine said...

Honestly, I'm surprised that this isn't already a movie starring JLC- it sound very plausible, and kind of awesome.

(This coming from person who's favorite holiday movie is Christmas with the Kranks. And who drives a Dodge Caravan.)

Rachel said...

Your ability to climb into a woman's mind is freakish. And utterly entertaining ;)

Lisa Loo said...

You had me at "reindeer carcasses"...

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

No, not Jamie Lee Curtis!!!!

Emmy said...

Reindeer carcasses?? What kind of sick nasty north pole do you think about?

But yes this post was hilarious!! And you hit it right on with Jamie Lee.

Ketutar said...

LOL

"Woman in santa suit" was ok, "mrs Santa" was harder... I mean... for some how I don't see mrs. Santa in string pants... Didn't.

Perhaps there are not that many reindeer carcasses sitting around the North Pole, but you might think so, because of the... er... smell?

Yes, a movie! Hockey Santa Mom!

I was thinking Jane Curtin :-) (Or if she's too old, Amy Poehler)

Powdered Toast Man said...

Those poor elves didnt' have a chance.

Noelle said...

EACH gumdrop has 3 points????? I'm in big trouble!

baygirl32 said...

I wonder how many guys are googling modest female santas?

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

"I would like you to understand that it is not polite to refer to a woman's tummy as a "bowl full of jelly."

I want you to know, I actually laughed out loud when I read this.

Missy said...

All this needs is The Hoff to complete the Picture!

University of Iowa Meg said...

um, is it weird that i was thinking jamie lee curtis way before i got to the end of you post???

Kristen said...

Good one as usual, do Mrs. working Mom Clause next or Mrs. OCD Clause, or Mrs. EX-Clause....hmmmmm That would be interesting. How do you know the inner or workings of a womens mind so well????

FabuLeslie said...

Oh, I cannot WAIT until this movie is made. Although, if Jamie Lee Curtis takes the starring role, will we have to hear about regularity and DanActive?

P.S. Glad you were feeling the whole first grade teacher bond the other day. My little munchkins are making me happy lately. I'm pretty sure it's because we only have 2 weeks left til break.

Xmas Dolly said...

Thanks for the laugh sure needed one too. I totally agree Jamie Lee Curtis. Lol Have a good one!

Pearl said...

I think you've done this one justice -- I've met this woman a number of times!

Pearl

The Church Lady said...

Definitely a movie in the making -"She-Claus", starring Jamie Lee Curtis....

Love it!

Copyboy said...

Jamie lee? Hmmm I would've nominated Lucy Lawless for the role.

Mary said...

I was a little disappointed...way too much of Mrs. Claus's neck was showing!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

She is like a bad cross between a pyscho mom, teacher and...I am not sure what else, but JLC could nail it.

Mikki said...

Fantastic! Love it. Especially love the caption under your Mrs. Claus.

A Disney movie for sure!

mice_aliling said...

Love it...and yes i will not google women in santa outfits :)

Megan said...

I bet there are a lot of excess reinder carcasses up there - I mean, who's willing to dig a grave in ice?

Holly Ruggiero said...

I’m going to work the phrase “reindeer carcass” while I’m out today.

Candace said...

I can sooooo see Jamie Lee Curtis in that part! Hilarious!

mintifresh said...

That is exactly how it would be.

And Jamie Lee would be perfect for this role!

KauaiMark said...

A Santa Substitute! Great bit of writing. Hope you don't mind if I send you a few new readers via link from my blog

...Mark

Pat Tillett said...

This was so funny!
The post scripts were even better!

Diane J. said...

I was in Target today and asked a gal a question in the jewelry aisle (no she was not an employee). I swear, she was the spitting image of your wife (is your wife about 5'1"/ 5"2"?). You didn't happen to pop over to Washington for a visit did you? No? Long story short, it was my smack upside the head "Blog World, I miss Blog World and all the cool blogs I've been missing." So, here I am. Thanks for the laugh, love the Dodge Caravan blurb, hee, hee, hee. I love my truck...and it's no Dodge.

And tell your wife or her parallel world image that she sounds just like my sister, whom I called after the gal left...guilt sucks. Why do I feel like Rod Serling is doing some monologue? do.do.do.do...do.do.do.do

lindsey v said...

My padded pants always make my butt look big too. What is the DEAL?! I'm gonna write a letter to the padded pants company...

Unknown Mami said...

Here's the thing, if Jamie Lee Curtis is going to star in the movie of this it needs to be that her "self" got put in Santa's body and Santa's body got put in her body. A Freaky Friday Christmas! Pitch it, baby! Pitch it!

Farmers Wifey said...

Jeez she's bossy.

M-Cat said...

I can only imagine what you found when you googled for pictures! Our Net Nanny would have tsk'd me in no little fashion.

And do you guys REALLY understand what babies do to a woman's body? REALLY?

yeah, I didn't think so

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

Very funny. Ack - Jamie Lee Curtis. I'd have to miss that one then! Oh, and sounds like you might have to make an appointment with your Bishop after your search for Mrs. Claus, huh?! hehe