If a soccer mom took over for Santa...

Most modest female Santa on the web.

The following is an excerpt from a speech by a She-Claus mom to the elves just before she embarks on her Christmas Eve night - delivering toys to the good girls and boys around the world. 

Attention Elves! [Echo: Elves... elves... elves]  I SAID, ATTENTION ELVES!

I am NOT going to ask you to be quiet AGAIN!  Do you understand?

First things first: Do these flannel pants with white cotton cuffs and added padding in the buttocks make my butt look big?

Nevermind, nevermind. Don't answer that.  Now, let's get down to business.

Elves, as you can see, I am not the usual, jolly Claus you are used to seeing this fateful night.   Your beloved Santa's in the back of my Dodge Caravan*.  I've got him tied up back there using some bungee cords I got in the Target dollar bins last week.  He better not have those big boots on the back of my seat. 

Don't even try and save him.  I've got the child locks on and they work for elves too.

I've decided to take over his route.  I was talking about it with the girls in spin class and we thought it was a good idea.  I mean, he's always trudging up our kitchens and using our bathrooms in the middle of the night.  I swear, Christmas morning, it smells like reindeer carcass in there.

Now, I'm going to need some help from a couple of you because I am not sure how I am going to get down some of those chimneys.  I've been watching my points real close this past month, but do you realize how many gumdrops are in this place?  Those blasted things are like 3 points EACH! 

While I'm gone, I'd appreciate it if you all would throw your dirty socks in the hamper.  You all know how elf socks can get; after two days, they are as rancid as a reindeer carcass**.  It's not that hard, elves.  The hamper is right in the corner.  You just walk them over and place them in. The hamper is the square thing in the corner of your bedrooms. It's not that complicated.

If you need anything, you can call me on my cell phone.  And if anything, and I mean ANYTHING crazy happens, be sure and take a picture of it so I can BLOG about it tomorrow!

I'll be back by 3:00 AM.  That's usually when I hit the gym anyway.  I'll definitely need hit that elliptical machine after all those cookies and two percent milk I plan on downing!  I don't even want to think about the points I'll be racking up tonight.

Lastly, dear elves, I would like you to understand that it is not polite to refer to a woman's tummy as a "bowl full of jelly."  Maybe that was okay with your last boss, but you have to understand what babies do to a woman's body.  I know you think you are paying me a compliment, but it hurts.  I mean, it really stings.

The time has come.  You call me if anything comes up.ON DASHER AND DANCER AND SWEETIE AND HUNNY .  ON COMET AND CUPID AND SWEET-CHEEKS AND BABE! 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Post script: After I finished this post, I realized this has the makings of a very, very bad Disney movie staring Jamie Lee Curtis.

Post script 2: Just an FYI - You might want to think twice when looking up google images for "Woman in Santa Suit". 

*The "Dodge Caravan" is a vehicle used by moms worldwide.  It is well known for it's mechanical failures and it's lameness. 

** I know I used the metaphor "reindeer carcass" twice, but that is because I picture a whole lot of reindeer carcasses sitting around the North Pole.