Thursday, December 9, 2010

Cheeseboy's 2010 Christmas List

CHEESEBOY'S 2010 CHRISTMAS LIST

1. A tractor.  There's this country singer, I forget his name. Randy Stetson maybe?  But I think my wife really likes him.  Anyway, he sings this song -"She Thinks my Tractor's Sexy" - that I occasionally hear her listening to.  I'd like it if when she heard that song, she was thinking about me and not this Randy Stetson fella.

Sure, a tractor may take up two-thirds of our backyard, but it will totally be worth it when she comes home to see me sitting on it, sweaty and wearing a white tank top, "muscles" rippling in the wind.  Yeah, I think I want a tractor.

2. A rubber mallet.  When working with various materials, I like to use a hammering device that matches my personality. I see myself as "gentle, but firm with the ability to rebound."  When I use a metal mallet (or a wooden mallet), my personality doesn't shine like it does when a rubber mallet is held firm my hand.

Also, I do not have a rubber mallet.

3. A hedgehog. If I had a hedgehog - a friendly, well trained hedgehog that would ride on my shoulder - there is no way that anyone is going to mess with me.  Let's just say I was walking down the street and someone was thinking about mugging me.  I guarantee they are going to think twice about mugging me when they see a hedgehog on my shoulder.  I mean, think about it.  If you were looking for someone to mug and you see two guys walking down the street and one of them is wearing khakis and the other one has a friggen hedgehog riding on his shoulder, you are going to mug the guy wearing the khakis.

I think if I owned a hedgehog, I would really mess with the muggers and I would make tiny khakis and put them on my hedgehog!  Now that mugger really has to think twice!  "Hm, who should I mug?  The man wearing khakis or the man with the hedgehog on his shoulder that is wearing the khakis?  Clearly both these men have the class and potential to be carrying a large sum of money.  I am clearly stumped here."

4. A flying beret.  No, not a beret that flies. (Although that would be awesome.)  Rather, a beret to wear when I am taking an airplane.  Berets are the perfect headwear for flight travel.  In fact, I am surprised that some airlines do not provide paper berets for men to enjoy.  They could be perfectly tucked behind the barf bags, away from the In Flight magazines that have the advertisements for the nose hair trimmers and pretend rocks that hide keys.

Note: Paper berets provided in the seats of airline seats (behind the barf bag), is a trademarked Cheeseboy idea. Any trademark infringements will be prosecuted to the full extent of international law.




5. Squirrel Feet Earrings.

48 comments:

Saimi said...

I hope you get the tractor, my husband has one, so let's just say the song is spot on!

Melinda said...

I was all getting disappointed that there weren't any weirds (because lets face it, someone's going to think at least the squirrel earrings are weird) but then I figured out that there was only one comment so far. Phew--have to check later! :D

Oilfield Trash said...

Go with the tractor. And I hope you get it.

Lisa Loo said...

Muscles rippling in the wind....

..gentle, but firm with the ability to rebound....

...clearly both these men have class....

In fact, I am surprised that some airlines do not provide paper berets for men to enjoy...

Can I regift these????

Kristina P. said...

Sure. These all seem perfectly reasonable, so why not?

Oh, and I have those same earrings, in a different color.

M-Cat said...

Somehow I am thinking that the earrings would make my dog go freaking wild.

Almost as wild as your wife over you and the tractor

mice_aliling said...

The squirrel feet earrings scared me. hahaha. I hope your Santa Socks are big enough for them .

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! I saw those squirrel feet earings earlier today and was totally grossed out!

You have muscles? cool.

Impulsive Addict said...

1. As long as it's not one of those overpriced green and yellow ones.

2. I need a rubber mallet to kill the scorpions that keep us company at my house.

3. I think you would have better luck with a skunk. They are protective over their owners and no one wants to get sprayed by a skunk...not even the bad guys.

4. I disagree completely with the beret idea. It's not a sexy look unless you're a Brad Pitt type. Then, it may look ok but I fly a lot and can not imagine a plane full of paper beret's.

5. I just swallowed a little puke.

-stephanie- said...

More info please on why you want squirrel feet earrings. I could probably hook you up with some, but I need to know why you need them.

I hope you everything you asked for.

-stephanie- said...

GET! I hope you GET everything you asked for. Sheesh. :o/

Holly said...

GREAT! Now I'm going to have nightmares about trying to mug a guy with a khaki wearing hedgehog on his shoulder wearing a squirrel foot earring in the opposite ear. AAAAHHHH!!! ;p

Oh... The tractor thing is pretty funny.Maybe you'll get a riding lawn mower... Do you think that would have the same effect? LOL!!

Kenny Chesney (the singer) has now lauched a FASHION line! Wear the clothes and hat and you'll be a dead ringer with you lawn mower. ;p Good luck!
http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2009/08/18/kenny_chesney_launches_fashion_range

SherilinR said...

muscles rippling in the wind... the mental picture does not bring sexy to mind. jus saying.

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

Dang- double dang!! If only you'd have posted about those squirrel earrings earlier. Didn't you learn as a kid to write your Christmas list in like - June?! We seriously had one in our garage last month and well -- you'll have to ask a certain 1st grader about it's demise. We could have saved the feet and had them mounted for you. Ack.

And I'm lovin' the hat idea on the airplane. Very debonair - yet nerdy at the same time! LOL

Flore said...

I think I want a hedgehog too now !
And the earrings !
Awesome list !!

Marnie said...

My favorite is #1...I had a visual...and I think you should go for it :oD

Mamma has spoken said...

You could get the hedge hog and make it a class pet. Then you could write off the cost and care. Though I thought the squirrel feet ear rings would look great on you!

Nicole said...

Okay Cheeseboy - I am totally reposting this for people to read on my FB. This is hilarious.

The Church Lady said...

I would have to say that is a very practical Christmas list you have there! Every man needs a tractor (BTW, I think that is a Kenny Chesney song) and a rubber mallet. You could ride your tractor with your rubber mallet in your back pocket, hedgehog on shoulder (with khaki pants), sporting those squirrel earings and flying berret! That would be a site to see!

tammy said...

I'm going to talk to the Luvpilot about that flying berets idea. Southwest needed one more reason to make them the most popular airline to fly. Forget internet access, I think the berets will do it.

Jenn said...

OMG those earrings are so you!! I hope you get those!!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I think the combination of the hedgehog and squirrel earrings will keep everyone away.

The Stiffs said...

Great list. You must think bigger though. Around here your tractor would be a lawn mower. If you're getting the tractor go big or go home.

Teachinfourth said...

Wow, if only I had my ears pierced…

Curses.

Jill said...

I am going to have nightmares about the squirrel feet earrings. I think your hedgehog logic would apply to a woman wearing squirrel feet. No mugger is going to mess with that!

Holly Ruggiero said...

Oooo, I want a hedgehog!

Hart Johnson said...

I am totally putting hedgehog on MY list, too--they sure are cute, aren't they? And I might need a mallet, too...

Sausage Fingers said...

I wonder if I drive a tractor wearing a beret with one ear pierced with the squirrel earrings would make my wife hornier???

Melinda said...

Okay I came back to check and yup there's a weird checked! haha

Also, I had a friend that had a hedgehog and he was very boring, mostly slept I hardly ever saw him move. I would suggest a very large chicken, they do have large talons.

sacdaddy said...

stocking stuffer?

Ashlee said...

Ewww, Ewww, Ewww, Ewww, Ewww! Where on earth did you find the earings?!?

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Your hedgehog in khakis concept has my in stitches. It would be so cute, though, that I would want to mug you for it. xo

Kelley said...

I am laughing out loud over the use of "Randy Stetson". Hahaha!! I saw in the comments that you have been set straight about that mess. This Texas girl wasn't going to let that Kenny Chesney mistake pass her by! Oh, and don't worry about making hedgehog khaki pants. I've an extra pair here that I can send to you via FedEx.

Ms Bibi said...

Loving the earring. They will double the effect while wearing them on your new tractor. Just make sure you color coordinate.

Pat said...

Darn it! I was going along reading this, smiling, giving a laugh or two, then I saw those ugly earrings and almost upchucked my lunch.

Thank you.

Connie said...

I'd like to see what kind of muscles actually ripple in the wind.

Ask Santa!

Marlene said...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at those earrings!!!!

I used to own a pet hedgehog, back in Canada, believe it or not. Her name was Mrs. Prickles. Just loved the crunching noises she made with her little teeth when she was chowing down on her favorite treat - mealworms!

Missy said...

We have a tractor and it has done wonders for our lovelife...

Lene said...

I might have to amend my little Christmas list. How could I pass up squirrel foot earrings?

Debbie said...

This is the pinnacle of lists. I can see you now wearing your jaunty beret and your hedgehog perched on your shoulder.

The Invisible Seductress said...

I want a freaking hedgehog now!! The rationality behind it is spot on!

;}

SueLovesCherries said...

Great list! And reasonable, too! You resemble Kenny Chesney enough that if you put on a straw cowboy hat and a ripped sleeve tank shirt, you'd definitely have your wife's eye sitting astride a (lawn or farm?) tractor!

I have a rubber mallet and use it often - definitely worth investing in.

Hedgehog - yes, great bodyguard, very intimidating.

Paper beret? No, get a real felt one.

Squirrel feet earrings - depends on if they're for you or the missus. If for you, definitely yes - especially when you're walking your hedgehog.

mama-face said...

man...you're easy to shop for. just publish your address and i'll get those gifts delivered. maybe personally.

a plane beret...honestly the funniest thing ever. he wears it well.

"Miss Bee" said...

I never knew how badly I wanted a hedgehog until you outlined the perks.

Squirrel earrings - not so much.

Traci said...

I highly doubt you will get mugged on your street since you are friends with the "criminals" across the street getting the police called on them all the time- you do swim in their pool, after all.

jules said...

I'm with you on the beret. I totally support that. As for the squirrel feet. O.M.G.

Joann Mannix said...

Those earrings are freaking me out. If you'd like though, I could run over a squirrel, get someone to chop off its nasty claws, because I'm not touching it and they could also shove a hook in it and then I send them out to you. I wouldn't do any of the work except for the actual running down of the squirrel because I'm very good at that. I don't mean to be, but those little rodents just run right in front of my car. My kids call me the squirrel killer.

And I love the paper beret idea. I think you'd look rather jaunty getting on a plane with a beret. Although, it might give them more reason to pull you over for one of those special searches.

Claire said...

Effing heck. See what I miss when I let blogging go? The irony of this is that is EXACTLY what I asked for too. I didn't get the squirrel earrings & I'm pretty upset. My blog used to have "where do squirrels poop?" in the title ( long time 'go) so I thought for sure since everyone is all "Oh, Claire & squirrels!" I'd get them. But I didn't.
I hope you did. Then I could maybe borrow them.