Gary: - sigh - Yeah, well, I think it's a yearly load of...
Jessica: Oprah, I think what Gary is trying to say is that we all feel that our white elephants are always a little inferior to whatever it is that you bring.
Oprah: Really? I had no idea.
Sandra: Yes. For example, last year I brought that sitting on the potty book and Kevin got it. That was funny, remember?
Oprah: Ha ha. Yes. But if you remember, I brought that ceramic white elephant. I mean I brought an ACTUAL white elephant. What could be more clever than that?
Jeremy: The one with the diamond encrusted tusks that was imported from the tribal regions of India?
Oprah: Yes, that was the one.
Mary: Well, I loved that one.
Jeremy: That's because YOU WERE THE ONE THAT WENT HOME WITH THE BLASTED THING!
Sandra: And two years ago, you brought an HDTV Refrigerator. Remember?
Oprah: What? What?! It was left over from the '07 "Favorite Things" show. I thought it was a hoot. I mean, a leftover.
Sandra: Yeah, but I brought a spatula. A spatula. How do you think that made me feel?
Oprah: That's why it's called a "White Elephant". You never know what you are going to get.
I think we should just get started. Does everyone have their stuff wrapped and in the middle of the circle?
[groan from the group]
Oprah: Okay, it's a Christmas tradition that I select the order. Sandy, you get to go first this year. Jeremy, you get second choice. Now, pick something out of the middle Sandy.
Sandy: Okay. Hmmm. Tough choice this year. I think I will choose the large, car-shaped thing wrapped in gold-lined wrapping paper.
Jeremy: OH CRAP! THAT IS WHAT I WAS GOING TO PICK!
[Sandy unwraps the gift]
Sandy: A BRAND NEW HYUNDAI SANTA FE?! THANK YOU OPRAH! THANK YOU!
Oprah: Ha ha! Do you get it? It's a Hyundai! Ha ha! I mean, who drives a Hyundai? And get this... it doesn't even have a GPS! Ha ha! A Hyundai of all things. Me and Gail were laughing about that one for days.
Sandy: [nervously] He he. Yeah, I mean... funny, I guess. Good one Oprah. Funny. Now if you will excuse me for just a minute, I have to go make a phone call.
Oprah: Okay Rick, you're up.
Rick: [grumbling] Crap. I guess I will take this rectangular one.
[Rick unwraps the gift]
Rick: A signed picture of Oprah? Now this sucks!
Oprah: Well, if you don't want it, I'll take it!