Sunday, December 26, 2010

At the Oprah employee Christmas party White Elephant gift exchange.

Oprah: It's my favorite time of year again.  THE COMPANY white elephant GIFT EXCHANGE!
Gary: - sigh - Yeah, well, I think it's a yearly load of...
Jessica: Oprah, I think what Gary is trying to say is that we all feel that our white elephants are always a little inferior to whatever it is that you bring.
Oprah: Really? I had no idea.
Sandra: Yes.  For example, last year I brought that sitting on the potty book and Kevin got it.  That was funny, remember?
Oprah: Ha ha.  Yes.  But if you remember, I brought that ceramic white elephant.  I mean I brought an ACTUAL white elephant.  What could be more clever than that?
Jeremy: The one with the diamond encrusted tusks that was imported from the tribal regions of India?
Oprah: Yes, that was the one.  
Mary: Well, I loved that one.
Jeremy: That's because YOU WERE THE ONE THAT WENT HOME WITH THE BLASTED THING!
Sandra: And two years ago, you brought an HDTV Refrigerator.  Remember?
Oprah: What?  What?! It was left over from the '07 "Favorite Things" show.  I thought it was a hoot.  I mean, a leftover.  
Sandra: Yeah, but I brought a spatula.  A spatula.  How do you think that made me feel?
Oprah: That's why it's called a "White Elephant".  You never know what you are going to get.  
I think we should just get started.  Does everyone have their stuff wrapped and in the middle of the circle?
[groan from the group] 
Oprah: Okay, it's a Christmas tradition that I select the order.  Sandy, you get to go first this year.  Jeremy, you get second choice. Now, pick something out of the middle Sandy.
Sandy: Okay.  Hmmm.   Tough choice this year.  I think I will choose the large, car-shaped thing wrapped in gold-lined wrapping paper.
Jeremy: OH CRAP!  THAT IS WHAT I WAS GOING TO PICK!
[Sandy unwraps the gift]
Sandy: A BRAND NEW HYUNDAI SANTA FE?!  THANK YOU OPRAH!  THANK YOU!
Oprah: Ha ha!  Do you get it?  It's a Hyundai!  Ha ha!  I mean, who drives a Hyundai?  And get this... it doesn't even have a GPS!  Ha ha!  A Hyundai of all things.  Me and Gail were laughing about that one for days.
Sandy: [nervously] He he.  Yeah, I mean... funny, I guess.  Good one Oprah.  Funny.  Now if you will excuse me for just a minute, I have to go make a phone call.  
Oprah: Okay Rick, you're up.
Rick: [grumbling] Crap. I guess I will take this rectangular one.
[Rick unwraps the gift]
Rick: A signed picture of Oprah?  Now this sucks!
Oprah: Well, if you don't want it, I'll take it!

46 comments:

Oilfield Trash said...

That is freaking awesome.

Dazee Dreamer said...

but, I drive a Santa Fe. :(

But a great post, non the less.

Pedaling said...

the best gift in our white elephant exchange this year was a calender....

Eva Gallant said...

Love it! speaking of pictures.....?

Kristina P. said...

I am totally going to return my Hyundai Tuscon now. Although, my warranty did cover an entirely new transmission, so I don't know if that speaks to how awesome Hyundai is because the warranty covered it completely, or how sucky it is that it needed a new transmission.

I would be happy with a Betty White calendar and an Antoine Dodson costume.

mama-face said...

haha. bring on the hyundai challenge.

although, I, of course, would NEVER drive one.

LOVED the stage direction. :)

Hope your holiday was jolly.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Great post, Cheeseboy. That Oprah - what a card. I used to idolize her, until she didn't give me a car and, on top of it, kept threatening to end her show. How long must a person continue to have final episodes? xo

Tgoette said...

LOL! Loved this! Hilarious! This year at work we had a white elephant exchange. I got an hourglass that likes to stop now and then. Wifey wants to keep it in the bedroom to time me.

Oh joys!

Amy said...

I love Oprah and Cheeseboy's sense of humor!!

Connie said...

You've given me some great ideas for our white elephant exchange on New Year's eve!

Funny stuff!

-stephanie- said...

How is it that you know her so well?

Funny post.

Aunt of 14 said...

That was perfect!

Teachinfourth said...

My Hyundai Santa Fe has GPS…of course, it was after market, but still...

From Tracie said...

I have never been to a white elephant party exactly like that before.

I wouldn't sneer at a Hyundai Santa Fe.

Bring it on Oprah! Bring it on!

T said...

no GPS? the signed picture is looking better and better :)

T said...

no offense meant to Teachinfourth for his car of choice of course...

sinika said...

That Oprah. She's such a tease. How fun would it be to give her a toilet paper roll with a five stuck inside?

Allyson & Jere said...

Hilarious, and somehow probably too true.

Oh to be made of money.

I took a literal box of lint to a white elephant gift exchange one year. It was AWESOME!

SueLovesCherries said...

Perfect, absolutely perfect!

The Church Lady said...

This post is probably very close to the real life thing. Can you imagine? How could anyone top one of Oprah's gifts??

Very funny post!

Hope you and your family had a wonderful Christmas!

Gucci Mama said...

Brilliant! I hate Oprah. That totally sounds like something she would do.

Bossy Betty said...

I kept looking under my chair for my gift. Where's my car, Oprah?

baygirl32 said...

I drive a santa fe! (and it didn't come with a GPS either :(

Lindsay Blogs said...

Now wait just a dang minute...What happened to Jeremy!? He was supposed to get second pick! That Rick guy is a real douche for taking Jeremy's turn.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I'd still attend that party - an HDTV refrigerator sounds awesome!

Mommy Lisa said...

Oh Thank you. I despise O. So consumerish.

Life with Kaishon said...

So flippin' funny!

Adoption of Jane said...

i got lost but i just laughed at her hair do!!!!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I'll still go in car or spatula, I need a new one.

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

What I want to know is why Stedman was at the table but not in on the white elephant giving!? :-) Very funny post Abe!

Pat Tillett said...

Another great post!
Crap, all I got was a coffee cup!

dbs said...

I thought you made up that HDTV fridge and then I googled it. WTH Oprah?

Pat said...

This was HYSTERICAL!!!

Melinda said...

I always get the crappiest white elephant gifts!! Now I know I just need to have a white elephant party with Oprah!! DUH!

imbeingheldhostage said...

That's the best! Could you do a post about her magazine too? I always wondered who could really buy the things she lists as her new great finds... "Oh! Look hunny, here's a dress that Oprah says is divine and it's only $1200.00! Can I get one in red and another one in black?"

Kelley said...

I'm really laughing out loud at this one. Love it, love it, love it. She brought an actual white elephant, huh? That Oprah can get her hands on anything. I always laugh over Oprah's face being on the front of EVERY ONE of her magazines. One day I want to just jump in front of the camera during her photoshoot.

Jason, as himself said...

How do you come up with this stuff?

So funny! I'd like to see more Oprah spoofs, please. PLEASE.

Chris Phillips said...

LOL How did you get an actual transcript from their party?

randine said...

That was hilarious.

My husband drives a Santa Fe, by the way. How is it that you always manage to make fun of the vehicles that I own? First the Dodge Caravan. Now this.

Kelly H-Y said...

Hilarious!

MiMi said...

Oh geez. This is hilarious! That Oprah...so clueless, eh?

mintifresh said...

White Elephant exchanges ended at my husband's work cuz someone brought a box of condoms. Oh how I wish it was because of a BRAAANNDDD NEEWW CAAAAR!!

Joann Mannix said...

Oprah's not the only one giving away cars. Did you see the year Tyler Perry gave Oprah AND Gayle Bentleys? Man, I'd give anything to be Oprah's best friend. What a great gig.

And I don't attend any white elephant exchanges. I do, however, co-host a ladies ornament exchange every year where I am the Oprah. Because I don't bring an ornament. I bring sassy lingerie. Everyone tries to figure out which wrapped gift is mine. Hyundai, lingerie--Oprah and I are big time.

Powdered Toast Man said...

I would of traded for the signed pictue. I want an HDTV refrigerator.

Corrina Terry said...

HA!!!!! Hilarious! I bet that's exactly how she thinks/talks too. :o))))))))))))))

DEZMOND said...

Oprah would be more angry with you for using that picture of hers than writing this story :))