Training For A Marathon

I have just begun the process of training for a marathon.  I may sign up for the Deseret News Marathon on July 4, or I may just go out and run one by myself.  Either way, I will be running 26.3 miles in approximately 12 weeks.  I am fully ready to commit myself and train for this holy event.  

I had originally planned on running in the SLC Marathon that was held last Saturday.  I was not ready and I did not prepare properly.   

 About 5 years ago, I was on a running kick, but not to the extreme I am now.  It was during this period that I experienced the most embarrassing moment of my life.  Before I tell this story, please be advised that it is very disgusting.  Please also be aware that this story is 100% true.  I have in no way embellished it.  For further proof, ask my wife.  She will verify everything.

During this time we lived about a half mile from Liberty Park.  This was my preferred training ground as it has a very nice jogging track that went all the way around.  

We were scheduled to go out to dinner with Cathi's parents at 6:00.  It was 5:00 PM, and I thought I had just enough time to run around the park once and return just in time to leave. Off I was on what was to be an unremarkable run.

I did not go far until I realized that I needed to use the restroom.  The need quickly became a necessity as a dark, painful pit developed in my belly.  If we are talking numbers here, #2 was not my friend.  

I ran to the middle of the park, where I knew there was a cluster of restrooms.  Being that it was October and 5:30 in the evening, the men's restroom was locked.  I frantically looked around as my options were either to find a restroom or poo my pants.  Thankfully, I saw a mother and her son leaving the "family" restroom.  I ran as fast as I could and caught the door just as they were leaving.  The moment I caught the door was the same moment that I indeed had poo'd my pants.  Just a little.

The family restroom consisted of a single toilet and a sink.  However, I had no time to check my surroundings.  I simply sat down and allowed nature to take it's course.  It was diarrhea in it's truest and ugliest form.  Water splashed, tears were shed and a mess was created.  At long last it came to an end.

As I reached for the toilet paper, I was in for a newfound shock.  Gone!  Nothing left but the cardboard center.  It would have to do.  I tore it off and used it as a scraping device.  It was not an ideal scraping device as it was creating more mess than it was cleaning. Stuff was getting everywhere!  I finally scraped the last of it from my shorts and threw it away in the garbage.  As I cleaned up in the sink, I noticed the mess I had made of the walls around the toilet and now the sink.  Needless to say, I had created a masterpiece.

I finally made myself presentable and decided it was time to leave.  As I opened the door, I noticed 3 mothers and their kids waiting to use the restroom.  Apparently, I had been in there for quite some time.  Nervously, I opened the door and said to those waiting "I AM NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE!  GEEZE!"  And then I ran.

I ran fast.  As fast as I could.  But I did not run far.  The dampness of my shorts had created quite an area of friction on my upper thighs.  I had probably only ran 2 blocks before running had become impossible.  My run soon became a waddle.  I waddled from the park all the way home.  It was the most agonizing mile I have ever traveled.  

As I finally approached the house, I recognized my in-laws car parked at my house.  Glancing at my watch, I realized it was 6:15!  I was 15 minutes late!  Worse yet, I was in no way presentable.

I rushed through the door at full speed, fully aware of my awful aroma.  As I ran to the restroom, the front room filled with a smell from the netherworld.  I yelled to my wife and in-laws sitting on the couch, "CAN'T STOP NOW!  GOT TO TAKE A SHOWER!"  

To this day, I am still not sure what my in-laws know.  I do know that they know that I was late, in a huge hurry and smelled like poo.  I am sure they put the pieces together.  My most embarrassing moment ever.

Anyway, I am training for a marathon.  Wish me luck!