It was the 37th wedding/baby shower I have attended in the past six years.
Not that I have been counting.
When you are a male Elementary School teacher and you teach with a bunch of women, you go to showers, and you like it. I am positive I have been to more showers already than all of my buddies will ever go to in their lifetimes... combined.
I don't get high, but if I did, I'd most definitely get high before going to one of my coworker's showers. The games would make more sense and the sparkly tablecloths would totally blow my mind. Plus, it is the perfect place to have the munchies.
Thankfully, I have devised a shower survival system that has been a trusty stalwart through thick and very thick and has allowed me to partake in the free mini cheesecakes.
CHEESEBOY MAN'S WEDDING/BABY SHOWER SURVIVAL SYSTEM v. 1.0
1. Games - Do not participate in anything involving drinking from a bottle, candybars in diapers, placing bows on your head, giving advice and sitting in a circle.
2. Food - Stay away from the quiche and salads. Eat a ton (especially if you went in on a gift), but in order to fit in with the women folk, be sure to say "Well, I really shouldn't, but this looks so yummy and Jenny went to a lot of work." Also, "I HAVE GOT to get this recipe!" is a mainstay that never fails.
Note: The carrots, broccoli and dip are just there to make the women feel better about the other crap they are eating. You do not have to eat it!
3. Gifts - It is polite to quietly chat with the other ladies at your table during the opening of presents. HOWEVER, when a box is opened, you must stop your conversation and say, "Oh, how nice!"
Have a teammate buy a gift card to Target and give them five bucks. For every additional dollar you donate for a "team gift", you are allotted an additional eclair at the shower.
This is an "unspoken rule" that I made up specifically for men, but that does not make it any less valid for the ladies.
4. The Departure - Leaving early is difficult to do when you are one of two men there. Women tend to notice by constantly asking, "Where did Abe go?"
I've thought hard about purchasing a lookalike shower mannequin, but I think I would just miss the brownies too much.
After all, there are some benefits to being a male teacher in an elementary school.