Friday, May 21, 2010

The man's wedding/baby shower survival system v. 1.0

I attended a wedding shower today. How many of you men can say that?  That's right... NONE!

It was the 37th wedding/baby shower I have attended in the past six years.

Not that I have been counting. 

When you are a male Elementary School teacher and you teach with a bunch of women, you go to showers, and you like it.  I am positive I have been to more showers already than all of my buddies will ever go to in their lifetimes... combined.

I don't get high, but if I did, I'd most definitely get high before going to one of my coworker's showers.  The games would make more sense and the sparkly tablecloths would totally blow my mind.  Plus, it is the perfect place to have the munchies.

Thankfully, I have devised a shower survival system that has been a trusty stalwart through thick and very thick and has allowed me to partake in the free mini cheesecakes.

CHEESEBOY MAN'S WEDDING/BABY SHOWER SURVIVAL SYSTEM v. 1.0

1. Games - Do not participate in anything involving drinking from a bottle, candybars in diapers, placing bows on your head, giving advice and sitting in a circle.

2. Food - Stay away from the quiche and salads.  Eat a ton (especially if you went in on a gift), but in order to fit in with the women folk, be sure to say "Well, I really shouldn't, but this looks so yummy and Jenny went to a lot of work."  Also, "I HAVE GOT to get this recipe!" is a mainstay that never fails.

Note: The carrots, broccoli and dip are just there to make the women feel better about the other crap they are eating.  You do not have to eat it!

3. Gifts - It is polite to quietly chat with the other ladies at your table during the opening of presents.  HOWEVER, when a box is opened, you must stop your conversation and say, "Oh, how nice!"  

Have a teammate buy a gift card to Target and give them five bucks.  For every additional dollar you donate for a "team gift", you are allotted an additional eclair at the shower.
This is an "unspoken rule" that I made up specifically for men, but that does not make it any less valid for the ladies.

4. The Departure - Leaving early is difficult to do when you are one of two men there.  Women tend to notice by constantly asking,  "Where did Abe go?"  

I've thought hard about purchasing a lookalike shower mannequin, but I think I would just miss the brownies too much.

After all, there are some benefits to being a male teacher in an elementary school.

48 comments:

Pat Tillett said...

Great advice!
You just beat me to it. I've gone to 2 baby showers in the past 10 months. Why? Who changed the rules?
When did this happen?
I'm gonna be posting on this also!

Gigi said...

Wow...you get scarily exposed to the world of women. I feel sorry for you. But love the blog, glad I came over from Laundry Hurts My Feelings!

VaLon said...

Well gosh, I wasn't going to invite any guys to Michelle's shower, but since you seem so passionate about it, maybe I should invite you....

Teachinfourth said...

Wow, I just don't go…I guess this makes me a bad person, but then again, I don't eat lunch in the faculty lunchroom either, I usually eat with my class.

The conversation is so unpredictable there...

FabuLeslie said...

This will not be popular to say, but I hate showers. And I'm a woman. The last shower I hosted was awesome because we didn't do any games, and had lots of delicious food and conversation. It was a come-and-go shower, which meant people weren't expected to stay the whole time, but instead they could feel free to drop by and leave soon after the guest of honor opened her gift. Much better than that poopy diaper, candy bar game! Ugh.

Lisa said...

Eclairs at a shower? Never heard of it. It was probably something else and you called it what it looked like. LOL.

You're a good sport Abe. And you're half-Jewish. Great combination bro. :)

DeNae said...

Abe, I want you to sit down. I have some news that may come as a shock, particularly since, if I'm doing the math right, you have dedicated at least 74 hours of an already too-short life to the most idiotic human activity not involving Ashton Kutcher or the phrase "America's Next Top...".

You do not have to attend showers. Not even if you're a girl. Not even if you're the guest of honor. OK, maybe that last one does. It is perfectly acceptable to drop a gift card with the note "Have a Nice Baby" in the inbox of the teacher / expectant mother in question.

If you're really desparate for those refreshments, drop by Krispy Kreme on your way home from work.

And stop the madness, once and for all.

Cheeseboy said...

Ha ha Denae! You are too funny. The thing is - The showers are always in the library of the school, in the afternoon of a short day, when I would be at school anyway. Given that there ARE free refreshments and it is during working hours and I do usually like the gal, there is really no reason for me not to attend.

ScoMan said...

You going to a baby shower is all well and good, but how many issues of Cosmo Bride have you purchased recently?

Try looking some punk teen kid in the eye while buying that.

Kristina P. said...

What about the game where there's a plastic baby in an ice cube, and you have to guess how long it will take for the ice to melt, therefore, simulating the water breaking? A RIOT!!!!

Gwei Mui said...

Baby showers are only just taking off here in the UK - well at least in the circles that meander about in.I must say the few that I've attended I have not enjoyed. I'm with FabuLeslie. Great post.

Mr. Stupid said...

I have never been to one. Even though there are many reasons for that, I will lie and tell I hate them!
BTW, great advice...:)

Sco said...

Great post! And whew. Thanks for responding to DaNae's comment, Cheeseboy, explaining why you've been to 39 showers. You had me worried for a minute. Although I have never tried this, might I suggest a Constanza nugget of wisdom to deal with issue #4: leave on a high note. Immediately after you get the audience laughing, announce you have to get back to work. If there's anyone that could pull this off, it's you.

ASBLACKASOBAMA said...

Taking notes.... I would think that the mini cheesecakes would make attending the showers worthwhile....

Mamma has spoken said...

WOW your work showers sound so fancy compaired to mine! But at my school there is only two male teachers too. The one never goes because he is a diabetic. The other goes, eats his piece of cake, drinks his cup of punch and then he leaves. As for me, I'm with Jason, I really don't like going to them either...

Boomer Pie said...

OK, you got another follower...me. But Burt's already had a quadruple bypass so you don't want to get him too excited when you do your video on his pickup. Maybe some cheese might sedate him.

Kelly said...

Hazard of the job I guess. I like your game advice.

Farmers Wifey said...

Yeah the siting in a circle stuff scares me too.

The Church Lady said...

That sounds like good advice even for the women! I'm thinking it is the perfect place for a man to be surrounded by all that food and not the mention the women too!

VeNicia said...

Hey! I feel honored to have inspired a cheesy-post. Glad you made it, and I will periodically follow the advice-that-was-not-hard-to-guess-was-yours and let my man hold the remote control =oP

onlyoublog said...

This is so funny. I think you need to work your way into a few more "women"s type places and write as an investigative reporter (e.g., playground cliques, etc.).

I have gone to a few showers in my lifetime only because somehow it was always expected that *I* throw them. But I never got one of my own (I was overseas where the culture is that people pretend they don't notice you are pregnant (they think it's a "personal" thang), not because I have no friends). Sigh...always the showerer, never the showeree...

Martha said...

I have been to like 6 baby showers, (2 for me),MY Whole Life and I'm a 48 y/o female!! Thanks for the survival tips, L'Homme de Fromage.

Tree said...

You know you love it! :) And you haven't lived until you've played the candy bar poopy diaper game. LOL

Alex@LateEnough said...

I would LOVE a shower mannequin of myself so after I'm done eating, I can leave. Maybe with built-in recordings of OOHs and AHs during the opening of gifts.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Excellent tips! If I ever have to endure either ordeal, I'll be prepared.

Krista said...

That was great advice to men everywhere. You're a good sport for going to them. I'd do just about anything for a mini cheesecake.

Joann Mannix said...

How about the wedding showers? Have you made a wedding dress out of toilet paper and had to model it? I suggest a picture of you in a toilet paper wedding dress for the big 300.

Just a thought.

Saimi said...

Since Linda gave you an award, I had to come check you out! Congratulations by the way!!

Very funny post, wait I checked hilarious.

Thanks for the laugh!

Jason, as himself said...

"When you are a male Elementary School teacher and you teach with a bunch of women, you go to showers, and you like it. I am positive I have been to more showers already than all of my buddies will ever go to in their lifetimes... combined."

Truer words have never been spoken! This year I've been to six--yes--six baby showers and two bridal showers.

Hope Chella said...

You are SO RIGHT ON about the veggies being there to make the women feel better about eating the other crap. Awesome post =)

Sam Liu said...

Your 37th wedding/baby shower? My, that is impressive. A brilliant post, as always, Cheeseboy and such excellent advice - I'll be sure to use it if I ever find myself in such a situation :D

Powdered Toast Man said...

I would totally go just for the food too. I go anywhere for free food. If Hell is catered I might have to commit some crimes.

W.C.Camp said...

Wow 37 showers in a year ... I don't think I have washed myself that much in a lifetime?

Honestly, I think you were right. You could end your permanent Wedding/Shower invitee status by simply getting 'HIGH' - heels and wearing those just ONCE!! No more invites for you!

Great Post - nice observational mirth! W.C.C.

tammy said...

What a trooper you are. You know you're not fooling any of them. They know you're only there for the brownies.

Writing Without Periods! said...

Cheeseboy, you give the best advice. You need to get a TV program! Great post.
Mary

MiMi said...

On the food thing, you know, the veggies and stuff?
Does that apply to me too, even though I'm a girl?

Nubian said...

I love the eclair rule ~ will write that into my life script from this day forward.

Beth said...

Congrats on achieving 200 followers! You are joining the big leagues!

I think you've gone to more showers than I have. And it certainly sounds like you enjoy them more!

mintifresh said...

Those are defineilty rules to live by! I only go to the showers for the food and do everything to avoid the creepy games! You're a true man for attending! :)

sammy said...

i will print this out and laminate it for when i go to my first shower. its approaching quickly and im scared. literally scared

Unknown Mami said...

Genius!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

LOL that's awesome. Pure and simple.

Bumpkin on a Swing said...

Can this be my Leave You With A Laugh on Friday? Hilarious I love this one!

Plain Jane said...

I think I need more friends. How is it that I am a 37 year old female who has never been to a baby shower? I am so jealous of all those refreshments!

mama-face said...

Gosh, I could have used this advice over the weekend. All of those suggestions would be welcomed by nearly all of us ladies.

"no sitting in a circle" bahahaha.

Trish said...

Bumpkin was right, I am rolling on the floor over here! Very funny Cheeseboy, well written indeed! Best part of all is the veggie tray advice, you are SO RIGHT, it is just there so we lessen the guilt if we pop a piece of broccoli in between brownies and cookies HAHAHAH!!! Happy weekend to you.

Dustjacket Attic said...

I'm over from Bumpkins's ... she's right this is hilarious...thanks for the laughs.
DJ

Mrs. Potts said...

Bumpkin sent me over here & I am so happy I came.

I hate baby shower games. Hate them. And as long as you make a nice noise about the opened gift, you're good to go.