Sunday, May 16, 2010

A conversation between Donna Martin, Andrea Zuckerman and Kelly Taylor as they get ready to attend the Twilight Convention.

You may not be aware of this, but apparently there is something called a "Twilight Convention".  The Twilight convention is a lot like a Star Wars convention, except that a bunch of obsessed, nerdy women  go instead of men. 

This is a conversation between the girls of Beverly Hills 90210 as they are getting ready to head to the convention.  


I just completed this post and reread it and I have no idea if this is funny or just plain strange.  I was going to just delete it, but I will let you, the Blog O' Cheese audience decide.  Besides, just like episodes of 90210, they can't all be winners, right?


Donna: What do you think Kelly?  Can I pull off the dark, mopey Bella sweatshirt look?

Kelly: Donna, please - you are Donna Martin!  You can pull of any look you want.

Donna: [giggles] Maybe in 1990, but I am 38 years old now.

Andrea Zuckerman: COME ON YOU GUYS!  Would you please stop chatting!  We are going to be late for the first Volteri Vixen face painting.  It's in the Forks Crossing room and I do not want to be late!

Kelly: How about me? Is my skin too sparkly?

Donna: Oh Kelly, we are going to the Twilight Convention.  Everyone knows there is no such thing as "too sparkly".

Kelly: Tell that to Dylan.  He is so mean to me sometimes.  I just hate him!

Andrea Zuckerman: Seriously guys!  Billy Burke - AKA - "Charlie Swan"  is going to be signing posters in the Clearwater room in 20 minutes.  If I miss that, I am going to go vampire-ape crazy both of you!

Donna: Steve kinda looks like a vampire.  Do you think Steve could be a vampire?

Kelly: Sometimes you are such an idiot, Donna.  Does Steve have FANGS?!  Is Steve WHITE and PALE?!  Does Steve have a SICKLY way about him?! Oh wait...

Andrea Zuckerman:  You two are such... morons!  PLEASE HURRY!  The "Jacob Black chest rub" is in the Northwest wing at 2:00 and you two are still not dressed!  Trust me, you do not want to miss that.

Donna: Are we going to go to the Peach Pit before?  I'm hungry.

Kelly: You are always hungry Donna.  Besides, I heard the "Esme Smoothies" at the convention's Bite Bar are awesome.

Donna: Maybe you can get by with a smoothie, but I need meat.  Maybe a porterhouse.

Kelly: I wonder if David is going to DJ the convention?

Donna: I hope not.  He's supposed to be watching the kids.  Besides, I've told him over 100 times that being a DJ at 40 is just pathetic.

Andrea Zuckerman: WHAT ARE YOU TWO EVEN TALKING ABOUT?  HURRY UP! If I miss the Cullen culinary vegetarian demonstration, these plastic fangs in my mouth will be shoved directly up...

Kelly: Where are the body sparkles? I just need to add a few more sparkles.

Donna: Do you think Brandon would be jealous if he saw you ogling at Jacob today?

Kelly: Brandon?  No, he is a gentleman.  Always has been.  He's from Minnesota, you know.

Donna: Don't you guys think it is a little sad that we are 38 and going to the Twilight convention?

Kelly: Well, I bet we will be younger than most the women there.

Andrea Zuckerman: FINE, I AM LEAVING WITHOUT YOU! I want to be at the doors when it opens.  I hear the first 2,000 people get a free bottle of Edward cologne, and one lucky winner will get acting lessons from Kristen Stewart.

[Slams door behind her]

Kelly: Donna, did you say something?

Donna: No.  You?

Kelly: Nope. You ready to go?

Donna: Yeah, but I swear we are missing someone.  Hm...

Kelly: BRENDA!  Where's Brenda?!

Donna: We'll find her.  She's probably at the bar with Dylan. Do I look okay?

Kelly: Donna, as always, you look like a large Haflinger horse.

Donna: Thanks Kelly.  You've always been a good friend.

44 comments:

skcoe said...

My favorite part is that no one has a last name but Andrea Zuckerman. I have to say her whole name too!

You're a funny, funny man. :)

Kristina P. said...

I am a little concerned that you know way too much about both 90210 and Twilight.

Can I see your Man Card?

Sam Liu said...

As I find both 90210 and Twilight equally unbearable, this was a joy to read! Very funny, I was laughing throughout, and oddly engrossing. You should be a screenplay writer :)

FabuLeslie said...

I say this is very funny stuff, but I am at a slight disadvantage having never seen or read anything about Twilight, other than what is unavoidable... it's something about vampires. So, I missed those references, but I loved the 90210 shtick. It was right on, for sure.

Joann Mannix said...

I forgot to say the last time, I loved your Stephanie Meyer slam!

So, somehow you have been able to perfectly capture the tone of girls. What's up with that?

And the large Haflinger horse just might be your best line as of yet!

I give it a hearty thumbs up!

MiMi said...

Wow. Your knowledge of 90210 and Twilight are frightening...
Hey, where IS Brenda? Her slutty butt would be right up there trying to get a vamp!

Everyday Goddess said...

Funny, not strange, I'm glad you didn't delete.

Pass the body glitter please.

Tracie said...

Funny stuff. But this is coming from someone who may have had a slight 90210 obsession. No comment on Twilight. Team Edward! Ahem.

ModernMom said...

Oh I think you pulled it together perfectly. Poor Andrea...she was always invisible!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

I agree that the Haflinger line is tops, and the piece is funny - as your posts always are. Thanks for giving us a break from Brenda (that b****!) too.
Cheers,
Robyn

Mamma has spoken said...

Would comment but I have NEVER watch either show/movie. Strange, I know.....

Bossy Betty said...

Cheeseboy--I love that you keep yourself (and us) entertained.

I share Kristina P's concern, but am able to let it go.

Jen said...

Why wasn't Brenda in this? She's the only one I know. Well, her (I know that is so wrong but 'she' just sounds snotty)and Andrea. What about Tori Spelling, which one was she. I know the ugly one, but what was her name?

mintifresh said...

Um, are you watching 90210 reruns again?? And you know waaaay toooo much about that convention....Put the body glitter down, Cheeseboy!

That was a great laugh! I loved it! Brilliant!

-stephanie- said...

I never watched either of these shows/movies, so I have no clue if this if funny or plain strange. :o(

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I am unable to comment, because i have NEVER seen ONE episode of 90210. Sad, huh? or maybe not...

Amy said...

I'm with Sara on this one. Not familiar with 90210, but a Twilight Mom, yup. I would not go as far as to go to a convention, but a Twilight Scrapbooking Crop...you bet!

Ally said...

I loved 90210 but I hate Twilight. I love that you included Andrea - she was such a freaking nerd and wasn't she like fifteen years older than the other actors on the show? Ha ha!

Tammy said...

I miss the original 90210 :(

Why did you pick Andrea and not Brenda? Andrea was always the loser of the group.

Gwei Mui said...

This is sooooo funny are you sure this isn't real - that would be scary!

imbeingheldhostage said...

I was all ready to comment and then I read Kristina P's comment. I'll come back when I've composed myself.
Man Card...

ScoMan said...

I didn't watch 90210 and so I was lost in this one. I'm like "What? Who?"

Plus I don't know anything about Twilight.

I guess I wasn't your target audience this time round.

Marion Williams-Bennett said...

How fun to visit our friends from the 'zip" - my favorite part:

"Brandon? No, he is a gentleman. Always has been. He's from Minnesota, you know."

He's from Minnesota. Yah.

Kelly said...

I am with Kristina. How do you know so much about both of those girly things? Time for some monster truck rallies for you....

Susan Tipton said...

I think you have a career in Fanfiction.

Teachinfourth said...

I have never watched an episode of 90210…now if it would have been a Seinfeld script, that's an entirely different matter.

järnebrand said...

I always felt so sorry for Brenda and Brandon for having such silly twin names... So lame... Like naming them Lucy and Lucifer, only that would have been kinda funny...

Adoption of Jane said...

LMAO @ "you look like a large Haflinger horse"

Melinda said...

I also am concerned you know so much about both, and by concerned I mean totally impressed!!! That was awesome!

Lindzena said...

I've never seen an episode of 90210, but I have been surrounded by Twilight adorers for many, many years now. This made me laugh. Though I am not a Twilight fan, I would most definitely go to that convention. I'd probably just dress up like Lord Voldemort.

Ces't La Vie said...

you sure do know a lot about Twilight .... i thought it was frickin hilarious
you've got some talent, cheese man!!

Sara

Pearl said...

"there's no such thing as too sparkly".

I've got to find a way to use that today.

Pearl

Diane J. said...

Cheeseboy, you're killing me today.

First your X Wing Fighter comment had me spitting coffee on my key board (I can't laugh and drink at the same time). Now my nose is smarting because I didn't see the closet doors flying open on the 90210/ Twilight obsession you have. Give people warning before flinging doors open.

Thanks for all the laughs today!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

So I've never seen 90210, but I thought the Twilight part was funny!

Katie's Dailies said...

The part that got me was:"....Cullen culinary vegetarian demonstration..." Great alliteration!

Aunt of 14 said...

OMG, I could just picture bloody mary smoothies at Esme's bar!

Too funny!! :) LOL

Jason, as himself said...

How do you think of this stuff?

Lori said...

It seems like I remember something called "The Twilight Experience" or something like that coming to the South Towne Center awhile back. Too bad...it looks like you've missed the conventin.

A 90210 Convention...now THAT would have been worth attending! :)

mama-face said...

WELP, since I'm neither a twilight nerd woman (I'm a twilight hater nerd woman) or have any idea about 90210, (i was too busy with babies), I will give you an A+++ on this one. It must be good if you wrote it.

Keely said...

Eerily accurate.

Um, I assume.

Janelle said...

Andrea,Andrea, Andrea!!

T.J. said...

this was just what I needed to read tonight. LOVE the prompt and punctual Andrea- spot on (well, as were the sparkles and horse reference too!)!

Abby said...

Acting lessons from Kristen Stewart. HA!!

ASBLACKASOBAMA said...

Acting lessons from Kristen Stewart? But Andrea was already good at biting her lip....