Thursday, May 20, 2010

When I write a piercing letter, I mean business. Business I tell you!

I am such an idiot. 
 
I wrote a strongly worded letter to my school board.  This letter had a lot of "albeits", a few "this is a travesty"s  and even a couple "this just ain't right!"s.

(I have no idea how to correctly punctuate the above sentence.)

Yeah, my words had to sting. As I typed with furious fervor, I could just imagine the board members  sitting at their laptop computers, tears streaming down their cheeks, the error of their ways flashing before their eyes.   I held the phone tight to my chest and waited for the inevitable phone call of apology. 

I wrote with abandon. I wrote with earnest.  It was the perfect email, my thoughts were displayed like a pair of dirty boxer shorts on one of those clothes lines they have in the country.  My points were clearly stated and I was riding on a euphoric writer's high.

All I needed was an ending sentence.  Something to drive the point home; something that would stay with them as they sat in church on Sunday; something so momentous, when they would look at themselves in the mirror in the morning, they would see my plight staring back at them.

Adrenaline flowing, I told the school board where they could shove it.  THIS is how I went out:

"Set your table how you desire and let the chips fall where they may!"

Set your table as how you desire and let the chips fall where they may??!


What... the *$@#... does that even mean?

I think I may have mixed 6 metaphors in one sentence.

I only realized how ridiculous that sounded after I had already pressed "send".

Yeah, school board - take that!  I bet your head is totally spinning right now.  I bet you don't even know where my left hook came from.  I bet you are cowering in the corner, scared there might be a round 2.

Let it be known that on the 19th day of May, 2010, Cheeseboy told his school board:

"Set your table how you desire and let the chips fall where they may!"

Heck yeah!  I feel vindicated.

58 comments:

Beth said...

If you had a cell phone you could forward your calls and e-mail to it so you would be instantly aware of their penitent replies to your scathing e-mail. :)

MiMi said...

That runs a close race with my "Shut up you skinny little dipstick!" comment. I still remember it and it was like 20 years ago...

Katie's Dailies said...

Oh, you're a tough talker, you! I bet you have them shaking in their boots!

Joan said...

No reply from them yet because they are scared silly! You should have gone much easier on them...

=D

Aunt of 14 said...

HA HA HA HA!!!!! I'm sorry... but I have been "there" so many times-- realizing something AFTER hitting send. You just want to bang your head on the wall repeatedly, don't you? Yeah. I know.

I don't know what the subject was about, but like you said... let the chips fall where they may! The bullet has left the gun. The train has left the station. You cannot take it back, so don't beat yourself up over it, you can only accept the consequences if there are any.

Dave Austin said...

I have just witnessed the birth of a bumper sticker or campaign slogan.

"Set your table and let the chips fall where they may".....Vote for Cheeseboy!!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Oh no! That is hilarious! however, i am sorry that you had to write a letter in the first place. That does not sound like a good situation. Now, pass the chips

FabuLeslie said...

Oh Dear, Boy of Cheese. You have certainly made your bed, and now you want to have your nose cut off to spite your cake. And no one can save you but fear itself.

The Church Lady said...

I'm certain that your e-mail had more substance then that last line. Now, tomorrow as a man of your word, you should give everyone on the school board a bag o' chips.

Vagabond Teacher said...

Nothing like a mixed metaphor to confuse the hell out of 'em!

Hope Chella said...

People need to smarten up and I don't mean you, I mean THEM!!!! Enough said. I wish I didn't hear you. Sigh!!!

lisleman said...

you didn't explain in the post what the issue was - BUT I'm guessing it had nothing to do with potato chips being served with school lunch.
Too bad because that's a good ending for that issue.

Noelle said...

I laughed right out loud...good job Cheesboy! Maybe they were so intimiated by the rest of your letter they didn't even read that part.

Here's my question:

Are you going to tell us why you wrote the letter?

Marlene said...

Thanks for the chuckle, which I desperately needed tonight. :)

And thanks for the nice comment, too.

I might be able to utilize your writing skills some day...heehee. :)

jordan @ mean mommy academy said...

This made me laugh out loud! And not just the quickie lol version. Enough to spell it out- no abbreviations here!
When my kids set the table, the chips do in fact fall wherever they may. Perhaps your metaphor is telling them how juvenile and immature they are. Next time tell them where to shove, I mean *place* the knife, fork and spoon.
'Cuz we all eat chips with proper eating utensils....

Gwei Mui said...

Haha yep know the feeling that euphoria and triumph as you press send and then the crushing realisation that you've said something inane, or have misspelled a key word even though you ran the spell checker three times. It's gone and you can't un-send. Now all you can do is wait for the reply.

Tammy said...

Dang! I thought I was going to be a first comment-er, or at least one of the first ten, since I logged on within one hour of your post!

I hope you still have a job Abe :)

Cheeseboy said...

Well everyone, I got a reply. It said, "Mr. Cheeseboy, thanks for sharing your concerns. The Board."

I am not sure if this is the place to share what my concerns were, but I will say it had to do with money. Because, you see, we teachers get paid SO MUCH anyway.

Thanks for the comments all. Hope I get more.

cb photos said...

Oh, I would SO do something like that. Like when my mom asked me one time what "smack talk" was, and I told her it was like saying to someone "you suck and I'm good." Yeah, exact words. And I wasn't a teenager, I was married when we had this convo. Sorry about having to write the letter, and sorry about their lame-o response. Poo.

Mr. Stupid said...

HAHA. They replied to you letter? Looks like the Board was really happy with it...:)
Toodles!:)

DeNae said...

I'm pretty sure you could have written something so moving, so inspired it became known as "The Gettysburg Address of the 21st Century" and it still wouldn't have added anything to your paycheck. Teachers here are so desperate they've agreed to take 40% of their salaries in movie passes.

ScoMan said...

I can just imagine them reading it, quivering as they read each word, and just when they think they're down and out..

they wet themselves laughing.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

What a beat down! You wielded your sword and then left in a cloud of confusion.

Kelly said...

Wow, I would hate to cross paths with you in a dark alley with dirty underpants hanging on the clotheslines overhead while eating a bag of Doritos, with plastic forks in my pocket (you know, for setting that table with later).

Mamma has spoken said...

At least they replied in an email. In our system they call you into CO and them someone higher on the food chain than you, reams you a new one because your not on board with their changes. Yea, I can use metophors too ;o)

-stephanie- said...

I bet they really meant to say, "thanks for sharing your chips".

Vanessa said...

I can only assume you were writing to the Jordan School District.

Copyboy said...

Waaaay to bitch slap that board! Beats getting in a dumpster. haha

Debbie said...

You are cracking me up with this! I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes things come out of my mouth and I am just dismayed!
I'm a new follower.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Heee heee...laughing with you not at you!!

xoxo

onlyoublog said...

LOL!! And you signed it Cheese Boy?! Well then, they'd better give you that raise!

W.C.Camp said...

Yeah I have to be careful if I get hot about something. I will write some powerful prose - but sadly nobody else will understand it? Anyway I can relate to this post, but in general now, I follow Lincoln's example by writing letters but never sending them so as to reflect a bit ... Hmmm, I'm thinking about not sending this comment too? Take Care, W.C.C.
http://pjmonolog.blogspot.com/2010/04/sit-right-down-write-letter.html

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Glad you still have a job. I don't think it's shameful, Cheeseboy, especially since School Boards don't tend to be very literate. Did they send some Frito-Lays with their response?
xoRobyn

reasonably chubby said...

Funny Post! I'm still reeling from the sheer force it. I'm sure the school board felt 'spanked'. Good job, Cheese boy! Hey, I found you through Linda at See Mom Smile-Hope you have a terrific weekend!

Marion Williams-Bennett said...

The gauntlet has been thrown!

I think the goal of something they would think about on Sunday has successfully been met!

Pearl said...

Oh, if only I received more e-mails like that one!

Falling chips! Falling chips!

:-)

Pearl

Nancy C said...

So funny. The phrasing of the last line reminds me of when I was in Japan. There would be a lot of slaughtered English. Signs saying "Cheese Hockey" or "Buy this Cow."

Pedaling said...

Brilliant choice for your ending sentence; Brilliant!!

Ces't La Vie said...

hahaha


DEEP

tammy said...

I am laughing.

And I also have a strange desire to set my table and eat some chips now.

Charlotte said...

Well that just goes to show you that you can lead a fish out of water, but you can't make it catch your tongue.

Writing Without Periods! said...

I love this post. It makes me feel like I'm not the only one.
Mary

Sam Liu said...

This is utterly, utterly hilarious. "I think I may have mixed 6 metaphors in one sentence", I really was laughing out loud at this line. I love the way you write, Cheeseboy! :D

Hutch said...

I'm adding that to my email signature...at work. I think it will go over well, no?

I Wonder Wye said...

OY VEY - you're a scary bugger -- you and Barney Fife...

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Well, I was going to say something, and then I saw your comment about how they answered back.

Well, uh... *little pat on the back*... I hope they don't claim to need to do pay cuts anytime soon! :D

LOL, but I loved it.

Joann Mannix said...

I wonder what they will set their table with? Chinet or the real stuff?

I can still see the whip marks from your seething rage. Wow. I never want to come across you in a back alley.

And look at those numbers, Cheeseboy! Whoo-hoo, I can't wait!

Boomer Pie said...

How about some dip for those chips? Oh ya...the board provided the dipsticks. You got another follower...me! Stop by my place for a visit and I promise you...a big bonus for all the hard-working teachers in the universe! http://www.boomerpie.com/

ModernMom said...

:) I too am an e-mailer with a need for an "unsend" button! lol

baygirl32 said...

I think one of those falling chips might have hit me on the head. Thanks for another giggle.

http://baygirl32.blogspot.com/2010/05/wahoo-i-got-2.html (BTW I got something for you)

Diane J. said...

Snicker, snicker, hee, hee, hee. You're a funny man. Maybe they will think you know something they don't and they'll cower?

Hope whatever it was, gets resolved.

Powdered Toast Man said...

I'm curious to know what the letter was about. Why so angry?

Nubian said...

any response?

sammy said...

well just send another email, or addendum email, and here you simply state that the chips you were referring were fritos. if you bite a frito the wrong way, it can be very painful!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Oh, I hope I never get on your bad side. I was dubbed "The Queen of Mixed Up Cliche's" by a good friend and I didn't have the excuse of adrenaline or passion clouding my brain.

I hope the school board is cowering!

Claire said...

I feel sad for myself, because it actually makes sense, to me!!!
Of course, while typing "it" (that one, above!) I typed "tit" about 3 times.

järnebrand said...

Since I am a foreigner who is only borrowing your wonderful language that expression actually works for me. I see a lot of possible symbolism there. I think you did good. And you are funny too. :)

tiburon said...

You are a badass.

I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of one of your strongly worded letters.