Little did young Morgan know that three years prior to his belly-busting, sugar overloaded plight to fame, author Chuck Klosterman had spent an entire week eating nothing but McDonald's chicken nuggets. Not only did he survive the ordeal, but his blood pressure actually WENT DOWN!*
Me? Well, I'm no renegade. I'm not in it for the money or the fame or the ladies or the cholesterol. My only motive is to take down the deodorant companies and watch them burn and smolder while the rubble pile emits a cool, sporty, powder-fresh scent.**
I have a good feeling about this, folks. A really... good... feeling.
Here's the deal: for the next seven days*** I will be NOT USING DEODORANT OF ANY KIND! That's right, not a speck of that vomit-inducing, yellow-staining, crystallizing, fraudulent-stank GOOP will be placed on, near or around my armpits or the hair that is coming out of them.
You're welcome, America.
Now get on over here, I want to give you all a big, sweaty hug.
My theory is that deodorant is something concocted by marketing geniuses and slimy fragrance peddlers in order to make a quick buck. Further, deodorant is not something that is needed, just an expensive luxury that makes us feel like we smell like movie stars and extravagant celebrities. (Except, apparently, Brad Pitt.)
I know what many of you are thinking: Now Abe, have you VISITED the 6th graders at your school in the SPRING TIME?!
Why yes, yes I have; but I contend that that ripe, juicy 6th grade springtime stench does not stem from the lack of deodorant, rather, their absolute refusal to bathe on a regular basis.****
I'd also like to make this point: I wore deodorant last Sunday and when I came home from church, my shirt had been completely soaked through with sweat. I then wondered what the point of actually wearing the deodorant was. Further, I don't even wear deodorant on my butt and I sweat twice as much there as I do my armpits. I know that is really gross, but I feel like it is the type of information people should know.
Thus, my gauntlet has just been thrown (or more appropriately tossed underhanded as my tennis elbow has been acting up lately) at Gillette, Old Spice, Dove, Secret and the like.
In the immortal words of Torrance Shipman on "Bring It On", I'd like to say to the deodorant companies: "Oh, I'll bring it. Don't worry!"*****
The good news for you all - my faithful readers - is that I will be giving you a day by day update of this little project. Here is the first one:
Day 1: I decided that today would be the first day since I was 12 that I would purposefully NOT put on deodorant. It is the evening now and my wife has not noticed. In fact, I just told her of my little project and she said, "Oh please don't." And, "Why would you do that?"
I can feel the love and support just radiating from her being.
I gave her all the reasons why I want to bring down the deodorant companies and she was not convinced. I then retorted, "Well, all that AND I was really desperate for something to blog about."
I think she knew, she just wanted me to admit it.
*Chuck Klosterman is a favorite author of mine and despite his sometimes sardonic tendencies, I find him to be downright witty. The fact that he ate nothing but chicken nuggets for an entire week underscores this very fact. Also, if you read his books, and I recommend "IV", be aware that a curse word or two might jump out and punch you in the face and then return to it's rightful place on the page.
**However, if I do somehow obtain fame, fortune or an increase in my cholesterol level by this pathetic stunt, so be it.
*** For my Australian readers, a week is equal to 7 days when you do not use the metric system.
**** By "regular", I mean at least every other day. Preferably, EVERY day, but I would settle for every other.
***** I have never actually seen this movie. I only know this quote because I knew that if I googled "Bring It On Quotes", something fitting would pop up, and it did.
79 comments:
I can't wait to see how this all plays out. It makes a lot of "scents" to me to see how it goes. It's summer and your co-workers certainly won't mind...your wife sounds otherwise.
Is it okay to be glad you're not going to be taking me up on the rare hug offer THIS week?
Ok you and Matthew McConaughey! He is my movie star crush but the one thing he does not do is he does not wear deoderant, which kind of grosses me out but I think he is good looking enough to make up for it! There are priorities after all :D
I think people have different chemistry and emit different degrees of odor and wetness.
My sons really reek after they play football or baseball but my husband rarely smells even after a volleyball game in the hot sun. The boys must take after my family.
I really, really, really, really - did I say REALLY want your wife to write a post on your blog after you've gone without deoderant a week or two - Ha Ha could be very entertaining!
Good luck! It is a great experiment.
Matthew McConaughey doesn't wear deoderant, much to the demise of many of his female co-stars...but he's still hot. Here's hoping your hot factor increases at least 2 points!
Oh, I love this idea! How often do you intend to shower?
I recently tried to switch to the aluminum-free versions of deodorant, because my sister is studying acupuncture and hangs out with a lot of hippie/naturalistic types who are starting to make me scared of things I have never thought of before. It did not go well. I could smell myself so badly by the evening that I was too distracted to accomplish anything! It just wasn't something I could deal with. Then one of said naturalistic-types told me about tea tree oil, which might be considered cheating in your little experiment, but if you just use a little of that, it's supposed to help. Can't wait to hear what happens next.
You are a brave man. I'm sure you won't mind putting your deodorant back on when your wife won't get near you! Good luck.
I never wear deodorant. Nor do I stink.
It's my gift.
However, I have asked many a male teacher colleague to have the "you need to wear deodorant" talk with some of my more fragrant sixth graders (back when I was teaching).
Good luck with that! If you shower regularly, you won't hardly stank a bit...
I'm curious as to why you picked the dead heat of summer to exact your little experiment....LOL!
(Though I will say, having experienced a sweaty butt crack this week from the 100+ degree temps, and I don't use deodorant there either......hmmmmm.....you may be onto something. Just let me know how it all pans out....from a distance, of course.)
Hmmm....I will have to see what your wife says after a few days. LOL I just don't know.
For once, I'm glad I live on the other side of this great country. Good luck with your quest. I think your wife is a saint.
Go for it!!! I'm dead serious.I'm with you on your belief that it's all due to marketing. If you shower and bathe you should be fine for the most part.
I haven't used a traditional deodorant for about a year now and I am just fine.
I tested out a completely natural homemade recipe last year and I was hooked. Since then, I have tried out another recipe and it works just as well too (and they both cost pennies to make). It's been holding up in this heat wave.
My friends still like me and my daughter still hugs me. My husband still winks at me...so I know without a doubt I don't stink.
Good luck! I would stay far away from my husband if he did this. lol
The dream I want to come true is to write as funny as you do! You rock!!! Bless your wife's heart to put up with this. (I hear Matthew McConnehay doesn't wear deodorant either. He claims the women LOVE it!) Let us know how you do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vomit-inducing? Wow, I'm going to give it up too.
You do realize that there is a difference between deodorant and antiperspirant, right?
lol... I actually "know" in real life as well as online... several people who are high vegetarian.. and/or high raw eaters..... and it is actually a proven fact that we DONT need deodorant.....
The "smell" or stench as you put it... lol.. is actually the smell of the chemical toxins our body is pushing out.. getting rid of....
Some of these same people... do not use shampoo or soaps for bathing either..... as their bodies are so "clean" of toxins that there is no need for those harsh chemicals.... =)
I have also read of several who claim that at some point... especially when eating high raw... your pee wont smell either... lmbo..
I know you wanted to know all that... =)
It does take a very chemical free... toxin free.... packaged food and crap free way of living though.... Its a good goal to have.. to get to that point... cuz.. I would LOVE to not have my pee smell or have to use deodorant... heehehee..
Forgot to add... GOod luck!! and cant wait to hear how it goes!! lol..
oh my...! and yes, I agree with the 6th graders in spring. 4th graders get pretty rank too!
oooooh gross. I'm glad I'm not your wife. Good luck. My grandpa, a mink rancher, refuses to shower more than once a week because according to him, 'we're in a drought.'
I think we should be able to make stinky people bathe, use deodorant, etc, by physical force if necessary. If I can smell your stank when you walk through the door, there's a problem.
So watch your back, Cheeseboy. The deodorant police have got you on their radar.
I've never felt closer to you than I did when I read this line:
"Further, I don't even wear deodorant on my butt and I sweat twice as much there as I do my armpits."
Of course, reading the rest of the post led me to question just how advantageous being close to you really is. So, I think I'll leave that privilege to Mrs. Cheeseboy.
I can't wait to see what you discover.
And that picture grosses me out. *icky shiver*
Just so you know, you sweat through your shirt because you weren't wearing anti-persperant, its different from deodorant. Deodorant is about the smell. Anti-persperant, stops you from sweating (see the anti and the perspiring bits).
My butt sweats too, its all good.
Good point about the butt sweat. You'd think there'd be a market for butt crack deodorant.
I'm going to look for a Hallmark sympathy card for your wife for just this occasion.
xoRobyn
I think your wife is a saint.
Tell her to only feed you fruits and veggies - no meat, and you should stinketh-not.
Denalee
What is deodorant?
Good luck, Cheeseboy. I suggest sticking to places with A/C for the next 7 days though...you know, just in case.
Here I am laughing out loud in the middle of the night reading your post! My daughter just walked in all groggy eyed and asked me Whatttt is wrong with me? She took one look at the picture with your post and just left the room shaking her head at me...lol
You always crack me up Cheesiekins....you are such a hoot.
Have a terrific week-end!
Thanks for the great post! (You're on a roll.)
Cloth chairs help with the summer butt a little bit. Why do we think sitting on leather is so cool? Look, cows sweat when they're hot. (http://msucares.com/news/print/cvm/cvm00/000717sw.htm) Why do we think our butts will act any differently in leather?
God, if you reach 300 followers this week and you do your post from inside the playland slide without deodorant...you may kill several children. just sayin'.
Maybe you should shave your pits too...just a thought. I don't know why I thought of that...
Your experiment should work just fine. Actually I think it would make for a great science fair project!
Your hypothesis is on the mark because odor is simply bacteria relieving themselves. Sorry so graphic but you 'cracked' the door so to speak with your discussion of your sweaty behind. So as long as Cheeseboy makes sure to scrape off the cheese every night, you should not have a problem. Oh yeah and I HATE THAT PICTURE. YUUUCK?!
Oi! We don't need the metric conversion on a week.
Though I hear that Americans don't use the word fortnight to describe 14 days or two weeks, is this true..?
Confused Aussie. ;)
Good luck, Cheeseboy. I wish you succeed in your important mission.
And thank you for posting that picture. I had just clicked on your blog and as the picture loaded, my brother arrived from nowhere. He thinks I am crazier than ever now!
You're such a rebel. But think of all the money you'll save on deodorant.
"Bring it on" is also from the Emperor's New Groove.
My butt sweats twice as much as my armpits too. Why don't they made deodorant for your butt?
Oh Abe, your wife was so cute and smart, and your kids so cute. you're going to miss them...
I'm smellin' what your airin' out here!!!
I can't wait to hear the results.
And laugh and laugh
Just put a hunk of very stinky cheese in your pocket and everyone will blame the pungeant odor on that.
You are a very courageous man and I bet not only will your blood pressure drop but your number of close friends as well.
Swass...is what we call it over here. (Swamp @ss)
Call me as crazy as you, but I think this is a great idea. I think your smell has something to do with hormones - because right after I had my third son I noticed that my armpits were STANK no matter how much/what kind of deodorant I used. Proof that deodorant is in fact a moneymaking ploy? Hmm ... :)
I'm not even that brave. And I have a confession to make (why am I doing this?); I use men's deodorant. That frilly, fluffy women's junk doesn't cut it for me. Old Spice - bring it on!
I pity your poor wife.
:)
Dear Crazy-Man...HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?? You might have to change your name to "the blog o' stinky cheese..." :) Tell your wife I'm praying for her and her nose. But don't hug her, whatever you do.
Okay, Cheeseboy... I need to explain one of your misconceptions... DEODERANT is not to make you not sweat. It is to DEOROR your sweat. If you want to not SWEAT, you need ANTI-PERSPIRANT (which does not work) but at least you need to understand deoderant can't be blamed if it doesn't do what it doesn't CLAIM to do.
While I happen to think you are INSANE (unless this is a tactic to scare away pesky inlaws?), I really look forward to reading how this goes...
Dude I wish you well. Okay, I wish your wife well. Though I have heard that you don't really need it. Well, not "you" persay, but "you" in general.
Good luck with your experiment.
I don't know where you live, but if it was anything close to where I live, your little experiment would have only lasted but a few minutes and you would have realized the error of your ways. Your stench would be so over whelming, you yourself would be reaching for the nearest deorderant stick.
Heaven help your wife!
deodorants are there to cover the smell not so much to stop you totally from sweating :)) And if you shave your armpits regularly you will sweat less and the smell won't be as bad as usually :)
MAY SWEET LORD HELP YOUR WIFE THIS WEEK :)))))
oh for crying out loud, your poor wife...
i sympathize while saying YAH!! YOU GO!
I think you are right...we've been conned into using deo by marketing. Money grubbing communists! I'm with you on this one, brother. You might be starting a deo revolution. Power to the people!
Mary
perhaps you will find that the REAL change that needs to happen is wearing deodorant on your butt. just saying.
back in my theatre days we slathered anti-perspirant (no deodorant) on our entire bodies (faces too) if we were going to be under those hot stage lights for too long.
To be fair, we need to hear how your wife responds as the week goes on as well. I know...anything for a blog post.
Whats really funny - besides this post - is that we have some friends in the ward who REALLY BELIEVE THIS!!
They DO NOT wear antiperspirant/deoderant. At.all.
Ever.
I'll be anxious to see how YOUR results stack up! : )
What can I say that hasn't already been said in the previous 52 comments?
I will just say, don't read this post while you are eating.
That is all.
I'm on a horse.
I know some people that do not wear deodorant as they say it makes them sweat more. And you can tell your wife you are trying to prevent Alzheimer disease as aluminum, which is in antiperspirants might help lead to it.
Hilarious post, though I really did not need to know about your butt :p
I am glad that we are not roommates, that's for sure!
I laughed out loud, hyterically, when you mentioned your butt crack sweating. I hate when that happens!
Oh I can't wait to see how this one ends! lol
After reading this post, I have decided I would kill the spouse if he tried this stunt....and after reading the comments, I have learned that Matthew McConaughey doesn't wear deodorant....where have I been that I didnt' know this??
Where do you live again?
P.U. What's your wife gonna do?
Smell ya for the week I guess! LOL.
And thanks for saying you'd go to my class, if U were a woman blogger--I'd totally go to one of your classes 2! 'Cause I'm sure it's be hilarious! I'd probably have to wear a diaper though! LOL!
Matthew M. Doesn't wear deodorant?
what?
i change my mind.
he looks HAWT from afar, not up close...
LOL.
thanks for telling me!
I decided to drop by and pay you a visit (your welcome) because I SEE YOU on some other peoples blogs I visit....
I DO INDEED wonder about deodorant
I don't really sweat under my arms.
I think frequent bathing is the KEY
and I have a great saying/word for you regarding sweating down your butt crack
IT IS CALLED SWASS (get it)
and one more thing, you are right
I don't put deodorant down my butt crack
What's ironic is the Google ad for deodorant at the bottom of your post. Ha!
I think you have your actors mixed up. It's Matthew Mcconaughey who doesn't wear deodorant, not Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt just doesn't shave any more.
Okay, smell ya later!
Stay away from me!
I trialled not using shampoo for a month in April last year. I have never used shampoo since.
Not only does "Wash, rinse, repeat" get you to use twice as much of their product unecessarily, but the whole thing is a scam.
There was about a week after I stopped washing where my hair was a bit greasy adjusting to the fact it was no longer getting the chemicals, but now my hair is better than it was before.
I'm interested to see how your deodorant test goes.
(Yes, I decided to ignore your shot at Australians. Other than this bit here, where I'm acknowledging it.)
Do you miss the stinky 6th graders that much?? Your poor, poor wife! I'll be interested to see how this pans out.
I think your wife should move in with me for the week, and my husband can move in with you. He's on vacation this week and apparently shaving and showering are not to be bothered with.
love your ****footnotes/clarifications
pretty sure you're right on the whole deodorant thing...probably just a scam from some smart inventor with the write promoter & advertising...
though, I would suggest you rubbing it all over your butt cheeks just to make sure...
see if it helps keep you dry.
I think your wife should blog about the whole experience from her perspective so that we get the "inside scoop"...or pit.
Good luck with that. At least people will be leaving you alone. I think the difference is few people get a full on whiff of butt sweat, but you lift your arms a lot. Maybe you should market butt deodorant instead of giving up the armpit variety.
OK Mr Cheeseboy, you thought that deoderant would keep you from sweating? No, deoderant makes your sweat not smell. (theoretically) If you don't want to sweat, then you should wear antiperspirant.
I'm sure that someone has already pointed this out to you, but I don't feel like reading the previous 71 comments to check first, so I probably look like I'm copying, but I'm not.
I once bought some new deoderant but I couldn't find it when I got home. Several days later, I located it in the freezer.
Lol. I'm intrigued and excited!!
On with the show!!
I love a good project. It's like Julie & Julia without the food and with sweat. Will be very interested to read your scientific findings!
LOLOL. Only you...
One of my first thoughts was the upper grade elementary school classrooms-if that isn't the reason deodorant was 'invented' than I don't know what is. How do teachers deal with that?
I'm waiting to hear about how this works. I'm curious to see what your final thoughts are. I swear, it never seems to help me out no matter what brand I use.
Too bad I don't live near you. I have a super nose, and I would be able to tell you without batting my eyelashes whether that smell was you or not.
Then again... maybe it is lucky that I don't... :)
I agree with your wife. Oh please don't. But I guess I am three days too late.
I assume your wife does the laundry and I therefore feel sorry for her.
She deserves baked goods of some kind.
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