Monday, July 12, 2010

Life lessons learned from Smurfette (and the great BO experiment, day 5)

I made a special trip to the library the other day while my wife and son were suffering from high fevers on our special "high fever and puking couch" (batteries not included).

I hit the kids section hard, looking for anything that would keep a grumpy, sick, four year old entertained for a couple days.  I remembered that I had shown my boys a couple youtube clips of the Smurfs.  I also remembered they had seemed slightly intrigued by it.  Our conversation had gone something like this:

Abe:Wanna see something dad used to watch as a kid?

8 year old: Sure dad.

Abe: Check THIS out! (Way too excited to show a Brainy Smurf clip)

8 year old: [Staring and wincing] Uh dad.

Abe: Yes son?

8 year old: Can I go out and play now?

Abe: I guess, but next time you will SIT and STARE at this computer monitor and you will APPRECIATE really awful 80's pop culture!  Do you understand?

8 year old: [Already out the door.] Bye dad!

Abe: - sigh -

ANYWAY, while I was perusing the  kiddie isle, much to my chagrin, I came across The Smurfs, The Complete Season 1.  

I picked it up and clutched it tightly in my hands like it was a crystal skull in an overrated Indiana Jones extravaganza.

I decided that we were watching it, and there wasn't a darned thing my sick kid and his 102 degree temperature could do about it! 

When I got home, I excitedly popped it in the DVD player. (We are still too cheap to buy a Blu Ray, even though I saw one at Walmart for under 100 bucks. I am worried that if I buy a blu ray player, they will soon come out with a red ray player and then I will feel like I have been totally jipped buy the Blu Man Group.)

Here was my sons reaction:

Sons: Oh dad, this again?

Abe: Yeah guys, we are watching it and you are going to like it.

Sons: Yeah, but dad, it's stupid.  Can't we just watch Finius and Pherb again?


Sons: - sigh -

We then watched the first episode, in which I had to explain that Gargamel was evil and wanted to catch the Smurfs and that his cat, Azriel, had to do exactly what Garamel says because Gargamel is well, evil.

Sons: Why does he want to catch the Smurfs dad?

Abe: I am not sure?  To eat them maybe?

Sons: Gross!

It was the best explanation I could think of at the time.  I mean, I suppose I could look Gargamel up on that sex offenders website, but I wasn't sure of his zip code or the age of those Smurfs.

ANYWAY, episode 2 introduced Smurfette into the Smurf world. This is where the true life lessons would be taught to my sons.

As we watch, we learn that Smurfette is created by Gargamel in his evil lair and that his ultimate plan is to have her SEDUCE the Smurfs into his vile arms. 

Smurfette, Life Lesson #1: Use attractive women to get what you want in life.

After Smurfette is immaculately conception-ated by Gargamel, she is off to find the Smurf home. She happens upon them and because she is actually so UNattractive and bizarre looking, the Smurfs cruelly ostracize her from the group and force her into the woods.

Smurfette, Life Lesson #2: Do not accept anyone different.  And girls that are unattractive should live alone in the forest. 

Smurfette wanders the forest alone and afraid.  She begins to get very upset that the Smurfs have rejected her, so she does what any self-serving, angry blue girl would do: She beats up Brainy Smurf and breaks the damn Smurf dam.

Smurfette, Life Lesson #3: If you can't get what you want, throw a tizzy fit and do major damage to other people's property.

The dam breaks and begins to flood the entire Smurf village. Smurfette is swept away in the current and she starts screaming.  The other Smurfs, seeing that she is in dire straights, form a human, I mean a Smurf chain and pull her to safety.

She was THAT close to being totally SMURFED!

Smurfette, Life Lesson #4: If you do something wrong, like break a dam and flood a village, the villagers won't care and will actually bail you out.

The dam is fixed by the quick thinking of Brainy Smurf (They don't call him brainy for nothing) and life goes back to normal in Smurfington. Smurfette is now accepted by the group and she is joins the Smurfs in full fellowship. 

Nevertheless, Smurfette becomes uneasy about her appearance and then asks Papa Smurf to cast a spell to make her beautiful.

Smurfette, Life Lesson #5: If you are unhappy with your appearance, it's nothing that a little nip/tuck can't fix.  

Smurfette then emerges from Papa Smurf's mushroom lair of breast implants and tummy tucks and she is now busty, blond and wearing a slutty, short-cut skirt.  SCORE!!!

All of the male Smurfs are immediately taken by her and I am fairly sure that Papa Smurf even takes the very first Smurf Viagra ever created.  The Smurfs shower her with gifts and begin showing off for her.  She blushes and is overcome with attention.

Smurfette, Life Lesson #6: Men will totally give you stuff if you wear a slinky dress and are blond.

And that was it.  That was the end of the episode!  There was no learning moment, no NBC "The More You Know" enlightenment, no explanation to any of it.  It was a total waste of 40 minutes of our lives.

I turned off the DVD player, walked away with my head hung in shame and told my sons, "You can go ahead and watch your Phineus and Pherb now."

-------------------- AN UPDATE ON MY B.O. ------------------------------------------------

I longingly looked at my can of body spray today and wondered if that would be considered cheating.  I mean, nowhere on the bottle does it say that it stops sweat or it's embarrassing odor.  Alas, I decided not to partake as I would feel guilty about smelling nice on a technicality.

For the first time during this experiment, I can actually smell myself.  It could be because I just got back from a 5 mile run... in 100 degree weather, but it could also be that I am not wearing deodorant.  It's probably the run.  My wife would probably argue that it is the lack of deodorant.

My wife, by the way, thinks I am INSANE to run in the absolute heat of the day.  I tell her that the heat of the day is when you burn the most calories, which might be true, but that only a guess on my part.

Only 2 more days of this dreadful experiment.  Right now, I am leaning towards putting the blasted stuff back on my armpits.  I only say that because my armpits and I had a long conversation last night and they informed me that they felt all "icky inside".


Pat Tillett said...

1. No deoderant
2. Five miles in 100 degrees

I see a trend of dangerous behavior developing here!

The Invisible Seductress said...

my kids saw The Snorks and said "Is this "The Smurfs" you talked about? I was like HELL NO!!!!!


MiMi said...

Your kids and my kids could be related then...cuz they seem bored as all get out when I make em watch the Smurfs.
But! Just wait. A Smurf movie is coming out called Smurf'd and they will be BEGGING to see it. I bet ya.

C'est La Vie said...

man, i used to watch that and i'm not that old at all haha

but i don't know if i would like it anymore...

Beth Zimmerman said...

I never knew all that about Smurfette! Kinda scary actually!

Kristina P. said...

Those Smurfs were ahead of their time. This is practically the makings of a Lifetime movie.

Mamma has spoken said...

Your post made me glad that my kids were never into the little blue smurfs.
I know what you mean about how your armpits feel. That's how I know when I forget to put any deoderant on....

blueviolet said...

I love how you force the 80's down his throat! I lived it and even I wouldn't go back!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Those are some brutal life lessons from the Smurfs!

UnicycleRose said...

Okay Cheeseboy, I realize now that you are a youngin' because you watched the Smurfs. So did my little sister and that is okay...they mimic real life in some ways....I admire you for watching an entire episode. Hope the Barf couch can recover soon.

mama-face said...

I was just laughing at the guy running in the 90 degree heat today-was that you?

Ah...I'm so old I remember reading smurf story books to my oldest children and being angry about that deeply patriarchal girl smurf?!

Karen said...

Dude, seriously, the Smurfs were the Spongebob of the 80's. Wait, is Spongebob cool anymore? Was Spongebob ever cool?

Writing Without Periods! said...

Okay, you can not cave on the deoderant thing...all my faith in mankind will be lost. I'm rooting for your armpits to become liberated from the capitalistic oppression of advertising. You can always buy cheap wooden clothes pins and hand them out.
Power to the naturale people!

Joann Mannix said...

I do something just as crazy. My treadmill, my elliptical and my Pilates reformer are all in my attic on purpose. My attic is big enough to have a little workout room where it sits above my garage. I like working out up there in the Florida heat. I cannot even begin to fathom, the mutant toxins that must be coming out of my sweat, but at least, I'm wearing deodorant, man.

And that Smurfette? She has one of the life's lessons right. I'm not sayin' which one, but I can vouch for one of them. Although, I've never broken a town.

M-Cat said...

Smurfette was SUCH a slut. Really.
And I had her on my key chain as a Junior in high school. What message was I sending!? Gasp

And running the heat of the day? Dude - c.r.a.z.y!

Anonymous said...

Umm, you ARE crazy to run during the day. I get up before 7 DURING MY SUMMER to try to beat the heat.

I love the smurfs. My sister and I have always loved them. Our favorite smurf phenomenon was when they were picking smurfberries. They would pick and pick and pick and no smurfberries would EVER disappear. So from then on, my sister and I always had the smurfberries reference. As in, "yeah, setting up my classroom has been horrendous! It's like picking smurfberries around here! I feel like I'm getting stuff done, then I look around and I still have just as much left to do as when I started!" -or- "Man, I was washing dishes, but they're like smurfberries in there!"

Did one of your readers say we are young if we watched the smurfs? I love UnicycleRose!

Hey, aren't they doing a Smurfs movie soon? I think so.

Sorry. Lots of smurf related info in my head right now.

lori said...

Those Smurfs are weird. Hilarious lessons you got out of them now that your all growed up...well almost anyway. Glad you're coming to your senses on the whole "no deodorant" thing. Kudos for following through on it though!

Gigi said...

My kids, 7 and 5, actually like the Smurfs (available on Boomerang channel). I never liked them, so I'm not sure why my kids do. But it sounds like I missed out on some serious teachable moments.

Also, you may want to Google Martin Lawrence before you run in that heat again.

Everyday Goddess said...

I must say Phinneas and Ferb are preferred around here too. Kids!

and I realize you are taking a stand and making a point with your pledge, which I entirely applaud. but have you heard of a natural deodorant made of mineral salt?

i use it, and am totally pleased with it. just sayin'. sorry if it's TMI.

Cherie said...

When you can really smell yourself it is all over pal!

I wonder what Papa Smurf would say :D

Ash said...

oohhh i loved smurfs when i was a kid but now, i dont know why i loved it?? good take on the smurfette - didn't know that happened to her. time for you to watch episode 3 and report back. :p

you would fit right in hong kong with this non-deo thingy. ;)

~ash's mum

Saimi said...

I'm counting down the days for ya! I think I'm going to have a deoderant party in your honor, maybe I'll throw in Smurfette just for fun..

I'll have her jumping out of a huge oversized stick of deoderant shouting hooray for Cheeseboy, he's no longer rancid!

Ooo, I'm so excited I'm gonna go by some deoderant pary favors!

Adoption of Jane said...

I laughed all the way through this!!! Thanks for the deep belly laugh.. i needed that!!

Baby Sister said...

Rule number two is my fav!!

wendy said...

ha ha, that was funnnnny.
I think I am like the smurfette ---unattractive and reduced to living in the forest.
yeah, I can relate.
My kids watched the smurfs

I like that better then Sponge Bob Square Pants...what the hell is that all about

and running in 100 degree heat would suck the stench out of anyone.

Hope Chella said...

Love those smurfs!!!

Mr. Stupid said...

I'm just glad my dad never made us watch the Smurfs. Blue is always Evil!
And don't give up on the experiment CB.

T said...

I was just a teensy bit too old to be in love with the Smurfs in my childhood... and this is apparently why I never bleached my hair and bought slinky white dresses to woo the men. (oh wait... I think I actually DID do those things, but I can't blame Smurfette for them)

I would encourage you to "finish the good fight" with the whole Deodorant thing, but I'm trying to be nice to your wife.

Marlene said...

Dude...have you ever heard of heatstroke? If you collapse because of heatstroke, and you aren't wearing any deodorant to boot, no one will wanna rescue you, cuz you'll smell so bad, they'll already think you're dead!

Melinda said...

I wrote a smurf post once too! I feel so smurfin close to you now! Smurfetty Smurf smurf!!

lisleman said...

maybe if you had blue skin you could get away with no deodorant

now that the smurfs went so well what rock band are you going to subject them to?

Marnie said...

Not wearing deodorant in 100 degree weather is ok...running in 100 degree weather is scary - you could have passed out. Be safe.

I worked with a guy who went for his 9 mile run regardless of the weather. He would do it in -30 (or even colder). I never understood why.

Sco said...

Wow. I've forgotten a lot about the Smurfs. Seems like there was something extra in those mushrooms.

Also, I think you could be given the title of "honorary Frenchman" for the deodorant experiment. C'est la vie.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Oh man, I love the Smurfs!

I wonder if Smurfette the real reason people say blondes have all the fun? Hmmm.....

Is your wife making you sleep outside now?

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Um, Cheeseboy, I'd venture to guess that your wife thinks you're crazy for reasons including BUT NOT LIMITED TO your decision to run in 100 degree weather.
PS Please put deodarant on. Your family will suddenly be back to good health.

W.C.Camp said...

Cheeseboy - I too would have a hard time putting up with the smurfs and remember I am as immature as any 4 year old! Now if you could hook me up with those Keebler Elves - NOW WE'RE TALKIN'!

Mikki said...

I was SO hoping to be the first one to mention the upcoming Smurf movie. Dang it! Smurfed again!
I am just floored by all those little life truths you pulled out of that episode. Really makes me wonder what Barney is all about.

ScoMan said...

I like lesson #3 and I'm going to make it one of my life motto's.

Melissa@Suger Coat It said...

I looooooove the smurfs. When I grow up I WANT TO BE smurfette. Sounds lovely. That's possible right. :oP

And the BO thing. Gross. Next experiment please. Ditch and run. lol.

Powdered Toast Man said...

Those are some good life lessons. I will teach them to my kids when they are spawned.

Kelly said...

Man! And I thought the shows today had no morals to teach. Thanks for the heads up about the Smurfs watched as an adult with perspective on life.

BTW once my family was in Matzatlan Mexico during the holidays and we saw that the Smurf movie was playing at the local theatre. The translation of Smurf was something like Pontalones (sp?). Wacky!

Jenn said...

Oh how I loved the Smurfs when I was a kid too!! I'm gonna have to keep my eyes open for the video!!
I figured it was only a matter of time before you started to smell yourself!! LOL

Pat said...

Thanks for the history of Smurfette. Who knew?

As you may, or may not, know, we drive around this country in our 40 ft. 5th wheel and 1 1/2 ton truck called "Big Blue". I wanted my husband to go by the name of "Papa Smurf" and me "Smurfette", but he just didn't buy it!

I forgot exactly why you are doing this whole armpit experiment and what you are trying to prove, but, dude, if you are JUST smelling your pits after 5 days? I think you'd better make an appointment with an ENT Doc, since you're nose seems to have a sniffing problem!

Hope your family is on the mend! Nothing worse than puke!

Dave said...

I bet your kids would love He-Man's furry loin cloth and bob haircut. You should try that classic '80s cartoon next.

baygirl32 said...

Wait, you mean I shuoldn't follow life lesson #3?

The Church Lady said...

I never realized there were no "life lessons" in any of the smurf episodes. Maybe that is why I like them so much and why I channeled my life around Smurfette. lol.

I don't think my kids have ever seen an episode. I guess that is a good thing.

Running with no odorant in 100 degree weather is ok, just hope you are staying hydrated!!! Keep us posted on your experiment!

Amy said...

I'm with your kids on this one. I never got the Smurfs when they were popular.

RenegadeExpress said...

You ARE insane to run in the middle of the day.

tammy said...

I saw a guy running in the heat of the day down here. Actually he was bent over puking, but I think he had been running before that.

Cluttered Brain said...

i totally loved the smurfs as a kid! Good for YOU for trying to get your kid to watch it!

Sadako said...

Eight year olds don't know about the Smurfs?! What a world. I feel old.

Eric said...

Ah yes, good old life lesson #6.
*nods enthusiastically and happily in agreement*

Hey, there is going to be a computer generated Smurf film soon.

Nancy C said...

This is the best thing I have ever read in my entire life. So, thank you.

I had no idea of the sordid early life of Smurfette.

Also, what's the deal with Vanity Smurf? I mean, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!

DEZMOND said...

you do know that the live action movie adaptation of THE SMURFS is coming our way next year, and you already have a teaser trailer over at YouTube?

Tracie said...

You can borrow my kids for a couple of weeks. They love The Smurfs and all sorts of retro cartoons. (I'm not just saying that to get rid of them. *wink wink*)

Terresa said...

I had a World Lit high school teacher who dared any of her students to last 2 weeks without a shower. One girl did it. She came to school with stringy hair in the end.

I don't remember whether or not she earned extra credit. I don't remember how or if it tied into what we were reading at the time.

But it was cool.

Me? I lasted 2 days.

Pass the Arid EXXtra dry.

janjanmom said...

I, too, was excited to introduce my kids to the Smurfs only to be extremely disappointed with my favorite childhood cartoon.

The only thing worse was when I revisitied my favorite show, Remington Steele. My, how the memory deceives us!

Copyboy said...

Smurfette life lessons about breast implants? Only you could be this ingenious. BTW...are the kids psyched the live action smurfs in 2011?

sammy said...

hehe the smurfs were so weird and kinda awesome all at once.

much props to you friend. when i even think i smell, i run to the nearest shower.

Mighty M said...

The Smurfs rock!! I think all of our kids need to be exposed!!

I Wonder Wye said...

I'm pretty sure George W already proved point #4...

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

My kids always look at things from my youth in horror then look at me as if I have two heads and ones revolving. As if the freaking ninja turtles or yu-gi-o are masterpieces... and don't even get me started on Pokemon.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. I am now stalking ... errrr... umm.. following you.

Corrina Terry said...

I LOVED the Smurfs growing up, but am sure my boys would react the same way yours did, plus I would finally realize it was a dumb cartoon. It's part of our childhood though!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. Running during the heat of the day doesn't burn more calories, but it will give you a heat stroke and worse B.O. ;o)

Emmy said...

No way! I did not realize that about her. Guess I probably missed the first episodes. Wow

Mary said...

I had honestly not seen the first episodes of the Smurfs...enlightening.

I don't know why, but my husband only has to wear deoderant if he is working out...otherwise he doesn't smell. But when he's done working out, no chemical on Earth can mask that smell!

Danielle said...

Freaking hilarious. I plan to force my children to watch all the shows i hold dear also! ;)