Monday, July 12, 2010
Life lessons learned from Smurfette (and the great BO experiment, day 5)
I hit the kids section hard, looking for anything that would keep a grumpy, sick, four year old entertained for a couple days. I remembered that I had shown my boys a couple youtube clips of the Smurfs. I also remembered they had seemed slightly intrigued by it. Our conversation had gone something like this:
Abe:Wanna see something dad used to watch as a kid?
8 year old: Sure dad.
Abe: Check THIS out! (Way too excited to show a Brainy Smurf clip)
8 year old: [Staring and wincing] Uh dad.
Abe: Yes son?
8 year old: Can I go out and play now?
Abe: I guess, but next time you will SIT and STARE at this computer monitor and you will APPRECIATE really awful 80's pop culture! Do you understand?
8 year old: [Already out the door.] Bye dad!
Abe: - sigh -
ANYWAY, while I was perusing the kiddie isle, much to my chagrin, I came across The Smurfs, The Complete Season 1.
I picked it up and clutched it tightly in my hands like it was a crystal skull in an overrated Indiana Jones extravaganza.
I decided that we were watching it, and there wasn't a darned thing my sick kid and his 102 degree temperature could do about it!
When I got home, I excitedly popped it in the DVD player. (We are still too cheap to buy a Blu Ray, even though I saw one at Walmart for under 100 bucks. I am worried that if I buy a blu ray player, they will soon come out with a red ray player and then I will feel like I have been totally jipped buy the Blu Man Group.)
Here was my sons reaction:
Sons: Oh dad, this again?
Abe: Yeah guys, we are watching it and you are going to like it.
Sons: Yeah, but dad, it's stupid. Can't we just watch Finius and Pherb again?
Abe: NO! BRING ON THE LITTLE BLUE MEN!
Sons: - sigh -
We then watched the first episode, in which I had to explain that Gargamel was evil and wanted to catch the Smurfs and that his cat, Azriel, had to do exactly what Garamel says because Gargamel is well, evil.
Sons: Why does he want to catch the Smurfs dad?
Abe: I am not sure? To eat them maybe?
It was the best explanation I could think of at the time. I mean, I suppose I could look Gargamel up on that sex offenders website, but I wasn't sure of his zip code or the age of those Smurfs.
ANYWAY, episode 2 introduced Smurfette into the Smurf world. This is where the true life lessons would be taught to my sons.
As we watch, we learn that Smurfette is created by Gargamel in his evil lair and that his ultimate plan is to have her SEDUCE the Smurfs into his vile arms.
Smurfette, Life Lesson #1: Use attractive women to get what you want in life.
After Smurfette is immaculately conception-ated by Gargamel, she is off to find the Smurf home. She happens upon them and because she is actually so UNattractive and bizarre looking, the Smurfs cruelly ostracize her from the group and force her into the woods.
Smurfette, Life Lesson #2: Do not accept anyone different. And girls that are unattractive should live alone in the forest.
Smurfette wanders the forest alone and afraid. She begins to get very upset that the Smurfs have rejected her, so she does what any self-serving, angry blue girl would do: She beats up Brainy Smurf and breaks the damn Smurf dam.
Smurfette, Life Lesson #3: If you can't get what you want, throw a tizzy fit and do major damage to other people's property.
The dam breaks and begins to flood the entire Smurf village. Smurfette is swept away in the current and she starts screaming. The other Smurfs, seeing that she is in dire straights, form a human, I mean a Smurf chain and pull her to safety.
She was THAT close to being totally SMURFED!
Smurfette, Life Lesson #4: If you do something wrong, like break a dam and flood a village, the villagers won't care and will actually bail you out.
The dam is fixed by the quick thinking of Brainy Smurf (They don't call him brainy for nothing) and life goes back to normal in Smurfington. Smurfette is now accepted by the group and she is joins the Smurfs in full fellowship.
Nevertheless, Smurfette becomes uneasy about her appearance and then asks Papa Smurf to cast a spell to make her beautiful.
Smurfette, Life Lesson #5: If you are unhappy with your appearance, it's nothing that a little nip/tuck can't fix.
Smurfette then emerges from Papa Smurf's mushroom lair of breast implants and tummy tucks and she is now busty, blond and wearing a slutty, short-cut skirt. SCORE!!!
All of the male Smurfs are immediately taken by her and I am fairly sure that Papa Smurf even takes the very first Smurf Viagra ever created. The Smurfs shower her with gifts and begin showing off for her. She blushes and is overcome with attention.
Smurfette, Life Lesson #6: Men will totally give you stuff if you wear a slinky dress and are blond.
And that was it. That was the end of the episode! There was no learning moment, no NBC "The More You Know" enlightenment, no explanation to any of it. It was a total waste of 40 minutes of our lives.
I turned off the DVD player, walked away with my head hung in shame and told my sons, "You can go ahead and watch your Phineus and Pherb now."
-------------------- AN UPDATE ON MY B.O. ------------------------------------------------
I longingly looked at my can of body spray today and wondered if that would be considered cheating. I mean, nowhere on the bottle does it say that it stops sweat or it's embarrassing odor. Alas, I decided not to partake as I would feel guilty about smelling nice on a technicality.
For the first time during this experiment, I can actually smell myself. It could be because I just got back from a 5 mile run... in 100 degree weather, but it could also be that I am not wearing deodorant. It's probably the run. My wife would probably argue that it is the lack of deodorant.
My wife, by the way, thinks I am INSANE to run in the absolute heat of the day. I tell her that the heat of the day is when you burn the most calories, which might be true, but that only a guess on my part.
Only 2 more days of this dreadful experiment. Right now, I am leaning towards putting the blasted stuff back on my armpits. I only say that because my armpits and I had a long conversation last night and they informed me that they felt all "icky inside".