Thursday, July 29, 2010

If I had become a horrible stand up comic...

Today, dear readers, I am attempting something different and a tad experimental. If it works, I am going to make it a regular feature on the Blog O' Cheese.  If it doesn't work and is lame, each of you may give me a metaphorical interweb face slap and tell me that I am the suckiest bag of suck that ever sucked.

I call this potential feature "If I had become a horrible stand up comic..."  Now, in order to pull this off, you must imagine me - a dark, grizzled and tolerably average looking doofus - standing in front of a red brick wall, firing off bad joke after bad joke like I am a one man Bob Saget/Paulie Shore joke off. 

Now, close your eyes and put the above image in your brain.  Do you see me?  Am I holding a microphone and wearing a striped vest and khaki pants with a fluffy front-butt?  Yep, there it is.  (I hope that this image hasn't made you too amorous.)  

Well then, why don't we get started?

If I had become a horrible stand up comic...

I hear that Drew Carey has lost 70 pounds because he was "sick of being fat".  Well, I just started a Drew Carey diet because I was "sick of watching lame".  

Drew Carey hosts The Price is Right now, which just proves a lifelong theory I've had: Having your pet spayed or neutered does NOT stop Drew Carey from hosting the Price is Right. 

I joined facebook the other day and for some reason some people kept asking me for vegetables and some people kept asking me to join the mafia?!  I put these people in touch with each other because I figure the mafia needs to eat better and they know how to get things.  I then immediately quit facebook, hired a body guard, moved to South America and planted a garden.

I think that whomever made up the term "what a load of crock!" could also see the future.  I mean, how else would they know about the rise in popularity of the crappy footwear?

 I went through a McDonald's drive through the other day and I thought the sign "No wide loads" was very ironic. But what made it more ironic was... the food.

I actually went to the McDoanld's website the other day and almost caught diabetes.  Fortunately, they spray the thing down with fiber and apple wedges every 6 hours to stifle the spread.

And speaking of Disney princesses, I took the kids to see Disney on Ice the other day and Ariel started trying to dig holes in the ice. 

That's all I got for today.  Thank you very much! 

This was much more difficult than I had thought.  It took me an hour and a half just to write those bad jokes.  If people like this, I'll try harder next time.

65 comments:

skcoe said...

Love! Especially the Drew Carey diet. I'm happy to say I started it about four years ago and going strong...

Kristina P. said...

Pretty funny! I might be able to write funny, but I would be a horrible stand up comic.

M-Cat said...

Like it. Make it a regular feature. I actually laughed out loud at a few of them. But now am craving McDonalds.

Missy said...

Love the Facebook! I think you have a hit!

Joan said...

The FB joke is golden!

I also thought the Croc's joke was hilarious because I cannot stand those shoes. So I laughed...loudly!

Sam Liu said...

This was really funny, Cheeseboy! My favourite joke was the one about Facebook, it made laugh out loud :D Hope you make this a regular feature :)

Baby Sister said...

Loved it! Hilaroius!!

Baby Sister said...

Hilarious as well... :p

One Cluttered Brain said...

You still got it!
I'm laughing over here.
You crack me up!

W.C.Camp said...

I just like any post with the word 'CROCK' in it!! Also I thought you were going to Spay and Neuter Drew Carey ... you have to do both for 'obvious' reasons.
W.C.C.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Maybe an even two hours would be better?

I kid! The McDonald's website one was great.

UnicycleRose said...

You are off to a great start...the one I loved most was the crappy footwear!

The Church Lady said...

The only thing missing was the bada bam of the drums!

Great jokes, but my fav was the Facebook joke!

Jenn said...

LOL.. comedy is all in the delivery and you delivered those jokes perfectly, at least in the image I had in my head!!

jennifer said...

So now I'm snickering over the image of Ariel digging a hole in the ice. Does that make me evil?

I could never be a standup comic. It would involve standing up, you know, in front of people, and I just couldn't do it. Plus I would just talk about my kids and I'm pretty sure I'd be the only one amused.

Donda said...

Rock it out jokety-jokester!!! Of course, as long as you don't beat me out for a spot writing for Letterman...I want to be one of his "staffers"!!!

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

Oh, I beg to differ...you'd be an AWESOME stand up comic, Cheese!! These made me laugh out loud! Thanks!

mintifresh said...

I have people tell me I should do stand up and my thought is always that would be the worst 45 minutes of awkward on the planet!

That takes some great skill to write such bad jokes! I want more!

lisleman said...

From a quick scan of your critics comments, the FB one is a keeper. It was my favorite. The MCD web site didn't make any sense to me but the wide load was good.
Do you ever watch comedians on youtube (I mean the real ones)?

Joe Cap said...

I thought that was good! I bet for real you would even be better, since you can do the timing and inflection. Did you write those? Very talented.
Keep it coming!
(Also, the pic of the microphone is pretty good too.)

Donda said...

I think we should battle like on 8mile except for without mad rappin' skills LOL

Melinda said...

You have no idea how much I love comedy, Last Comic Standing is one of my favorite shows! I come up with routines all the time, except I couldn't write them down, its all in the delivery ya know...

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Encore! Encore! I always love your performances, Cheeseboy.
xoRobyn

Pearl said...

I could see you up there, alright, but I got kinda drunk early on and spilled my drink down the front of my shirt. I had to run to the bathroom...

I hope you play this room again. I promise to drink less the next time.

Pearl

Emmy said...

Yes the FB joke was my favorite too. I do like this feature.

Cherie said...

I think you may have found a new career - or at least something to do during the summer!

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Ha Ha - you may have a new career in the making.
I would love to be in stand up.. but sadly you have to be funny. *sigh*

Teachinfourth said...

Don't give up your daytime job, Abe…of course, you were trying to be a terrible comedian so maybe you nailed it.

Go figure...

KyAnn (like Cayenne Pepper, only HOTTER) said...

You had me at Pauly Shore.

Tammy said...

Loved it Abe! I'd read more of this if you write more.

Loved the facebook friends and Ariel digging ice. The Crock thing was funny too but the first thing I thought of was Crock pots. Also a big seller around here :).

DeNae said...

That's a really good picture of a microphone.

DeNae said...

Oh, and I liked the Bob Saget / Paulie Shore thing.

Corrina Terry said...

Not bad! Not bad!!! Better than I could ever do. Keep going with it!

(You could invent a BYU joke or a Weber State joke or a UNLV joke. They're easy prey.)

The Empress said...

heehee! I loved it, and I love how you see the tough job a comedian has. awesome. thumbs up.

Marnie said...

Snort! Keep them coming!

See Mom Smile said...

Yes I could stand to read a few more of those. You are not horrible . You just need to work on your stage presence.

woman:confused said...

So, you know how I heart you and I would totally let you entertain me all day every day?
I think you're funnier when you're not doing stand up.
Is that wrong of me to say?? I feel bad! But you like honesty...

I DO think it was funny, but when you're just being you, I generally pee myself. Or almost pee myself. This was more of a giggling. No peeing.

Marlene said...

I laughed.

It doesn't take much.

Oh, wait. That didn't sound very nice, did it?

Jillybean said...

Maybe you could get a job as a judge on American Idol. I heard a rumor that Ellen just quit.

Please apply before Drew Carey does, I would hate to have to see him sitting in between Randy and Simon.

ScoMan said...

I wasn't big on the Drew Carey ones, but then I'm in Australia where Drew Carey hasn't been on TV since 1996.

Yep, it's almost like heaven here.

I loved the Facebook one though.

Mr. Stupid said...

These were great. Looks like you've just found a new job. Love the FB joke. Great post Cheeseboy...

The Teacher's Pets said...

I apologize for not commenting lately. I've become horrible about commenting and from now on I am writing comments to those who commented on my posts instead of writing to the 1st ones that appear on my blog roll. Soooo that means that I will do my best to comment on your blog b/c you are always sooo faithful at commenting on my blog and thank you!
You do have the comedian gene and I've always thought that so this post proves you do have the gift of gab! I love your "take" on the invites on FB .... who wants to join the mafia and who in the heck has time for it anyway? I can barely schedule writing a blog post or be on time for my pet visits, etc!

Garden of Egan said...

I think that was pretty good. No face slapping from here!

Sausage Fingers said...

Wow, my new blog includes a line about Drew Carey. Weird

Pedaling said...

I always knew you had it--keep it up, I'm sure the posts will come quicker as you go!

The Invisible Seductress said...

Bowing...I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy!!

mama-face said...

I thought you WERE (or ARE as the case my be) already a stand up comic. And not a horrible one.

your description of pleated khaki pants should be in the lands end catalog.

:)

T said...

it's a keeper :)

I would have made a rotten stand up comic... something about being told to stand up even when I already am? (see, it's a short joke, doesn't translate well in writing... I know, keep my day blog)

FabuLeslie said...

hahahaha! Love it. I especially enjoyed the facebook bit about the mafia and veggies, as well as the mcdonalds spraying it down with fiber and apples every 6 hours thing. Funny!

Noelle said...

I liked it, I even laughed. :) If that means anything to you...

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

You are a hooot! I agree...he does not do the price is right justice. Blech

C'est La Vie said...

haha k the last 2 were my favorite

i am ALL for this idea, keep um coming!!

Nippy The Penguin said...

I am with you on the Drew Carey Diet , can't stand the guy , Have not watched the price is right since he took over.

tammy said...

I just gave you an metaphorical interweb fist bump.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

OMG! You had me laughing out loud. I even had to read some of these to the people around me who were wondering why I was laughing out loud.

Thanks for your comments, support and comic relief.

:)

I Wonder Wye said...

Do you think you can work in Ray Crok the founder of McDs into your 'crock' comment? Genius... I have to say Facebook is the lamest thing I've joined in years -- and that's starting with the name itself -- Face Book? WHO KNEW?? I'd get out of it if I weren't such a Luddite...
ps: i have NO idea where all the Chinese dudes coming out of the woodwork are on my blog, but why are they penetrating MY blog?? I shall try to redirect them HERE...

Powdered Toast Man said...

I liked it and I didn't like it. I think you need to vlog it in front of an actual brick wall wearing that attire.

natalee said...

I laughed out loud at the crocs joke...LOL!!!!!!!! Very goood work very good work

-stephanie- said...

You are the suckiest bag of suck that ever sucked.
I think that's a compliment because you said this attempt was if you became a horrible stand up comic.
I vote for vlogging in front of a brick wall in your striped vest and khaki pants with fluffy front butt. I might laugh more just seeing you in that get up.

Deidra said...

...I'm not sure whether I like this or not. The jokes are actually quite good, but the delivery? Trying to sound like a stand-up comedian is the tiniest bit nauseating but that might just be me.

By the way, I wonder if Crocks got their name from the old saying?

Dolly said...

My kids are staring blankly at me as I fall off my chair laughing!!! The image of Ariel digging through a skating-rink cracked me up:) I give you two thumbs up...and say, "Keep going Cheese Boy! My life needs more comedians:)

imbeingheldhostage said...

Actually enjoyed it... and I was so looking to do my first "metaphorical interweb face slap". :-)

Joann Mannix said...

I was hoping your bad comic act would be awful because I wasn't going to smack you, but I was planning on either giving you a wedgie or a swirly. I couldn't decide. they were my brothers' weapons of torture growing up and both methods were awful.

But sadly, I have to say it was pretty good, especially the Crocs. The first time I saw a Croc, I thought, well, THAT is never going to sell.

What is wrong with people?

Amy said...

Funny! We ate breakfast at McDonalds for my son's birthday (at his request) and I looked at my hubby and said, "holy caloric intake Batman!"

Marla said...

Seriously...I'd buy a ticket to your show.