I call this potential feature "If I had become a horrible stand up comic..." Now, in order to pull this off, you must imagine me - a dark, grizzled and tolerably average looking doofus - standing in front of a red brick wall, firing off bad joke after bad joke like I am a one man Bob Saget/Paulie Shore joke off.
Now, close your eyes and put the above image in your brain. Do you see me? Am I holding a microphone and wearing a striped vest and khaki pants with a fluffy front-butt? Yep, there it is. (I hope that this image hasn't made you too amorous.)
Well then, why don't we get started?
If I had become a horrible stand up comic...
I hear that Drew Carey has lost 70 pounds because he was "sick of being fat". Well, I just started a Drew Carey diet because I was "sick of watching lame".
Drew Carey hosts The Price is Right now, which just proves a lifelong theory I've had: Having your pet spayed or neutered does NOT stop Drew Carey from hosting the Price is Right.
I joined facebook the other day and for some reason some people kept asking me for vegetables and some people kept asking me to join the mafia?! I put these people in touch with each other because I figure the mafia needs to eat better and they know how to get things. I then immediately quit facebook, hired a body guard, moved to South America and planted a garden.
I think that whomever made up the term "what a load of crock!" could also see the future. I mean, how else would they know about the rise in popularity of the crappy footwear?
I went through a McDonald's drive through the other day and I thought the sign "No wide loads" was very ironic. But what made it more ironic was... the food.
I actually went to the McDoanld's website the other day and almost caught diabetes. Fortunately, they spray the thing down with fiber and apple wedges every 6 hours to stifle the spread.
And speaking of Disney princesses, I took the kids to see Disney on Ice the other day and Ariel started trying to dig holes in the ice.
That's all I got for today. Thank you very much!
This was much more difficult than I had thought. It took me an hour and a half just to write those bad jokes. If people like this, I'll try harder next time.