Friday, July 16, 2010

You don't want to stick your hand out too far in a public pool and other pool observations.

NOTHING good ever happens at a public swimming pool!

You never hear stories of a couple getting engaged or a baby being born at a public swimming pool. (Conceived, maybe, but not born.)

Quite the contrary, if someone begins a sentence like this: "You would not believe what happened at the public pool today!", you can rest assured that this story is not going to end well.  In fact, it will most likely end with one of these sentences:
  • "And then they had to call the fire department to get George unstuck."
  • "By the time it was over, there were 6 kids crying and they had to drain the entire pool."
  • "And I haven't left the restroom since."
Additionally, if you hear someone begin a sentence like this: "You would not believe what I saw at the public pool today!", you can rest assured that this story is not going to end well either. In fact, it will most likely end with one of these phrases:
  • "I can honestly say that I have never seen that much hair on one man's back."
  • "Well you would think that the gal at the store wouldn't have sold HIM that Speedo!"
  • "And it hung over so far, she really didn't even need to wear a swimsuit."
Ah yes, the public pool - America's recreational breeding ground for adenovirus, enterovirus, Hepatitus A and crypto, all of which I enjoy thoroughly. 

These diseases are prevalent, unless, of course, they load the pool with extreme amounts of chlorine; in which case you may enjoy the benefits of dry skin, stinging eyes and smelling like a public pool for 4 to 6 hours.

The most horrendous thing about a public pool is that they are never not crowded. At every public pool I have ever "swam" at, the bodies are loaded back to back. It's like the water makes everyone feel invisible.  People wear whatever the crap they want to wear and don't shave whatever the crap they don't want to shave.  You don't want to stick your hand out too far in a public pool.

Here is a breakdown of public pool swimming:
One person in a pool = They must be training for something.
Twelve people in a pool = Merriment and fun.
500 people in a pool = Unenclosed septic tank.

And what if there was no water?  What if we all stripped to our underwear, stood in an empty pit five feet apart from each other and flung our arms around?  Wouldn't we all feel awkward and a little jackassish?  I guess somehow the water makes it okay.

Whenever I visit a public pool, the absolute WORST part of my day is when I have to use the restroom.  First of all, I ALWAYS forget to wear my sandals, so I have to tiptoe across the hot concrete like a cartooned moron.  Secondly - and I am not sure what the pool restroom is like for ladies - but in the men's room there are hundreds of little puddles that you have to hurdle with your bare feet. No one knows if these puddles contain urine or water, but there is a good chance that they contain both.

Finally, when we men are actually able to maneuver around the locker room obstacle course of cesspools, there is ALWAYS one last cesspool waiting for us at the urinal.   At this point, I have to go so badly that my only option - other than stand in the cesspool - is to find the two dry spots, place my feet in them and then use a ninja style death stance while doing my business.

When I was a kid, my buddy once went off the high dive, belly flopped hard and came up looking pale.  He swam to the side and quietly proclaimed that he had thrown up underwater.  This is the type of information I feel my readers need to know.

We haven't taken the kids to a public pool in years.  Perhaps I am being a little too hard on them?  I mean, the last time we went my kids only almost drowned 5 times instead of 10, got jumped on 3 times instead of 8 and the lifeguards only had to yell at some overactive kids 67 times instead of 432.

Anything to cool off I suppose.

69 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I don't know if nothing good can happen at a public pool. I suspect many unexpected pregnancies occur there, without ever touching anyone else. I call that a Win, in my book.

C'est La Vie said...

gag

our complex has a pool, I'm fine with that when it's not too crazy. But back home we had city pools and I'll tell ya what, ew.

Cruella Collett said...

Oh, I don't know. Without the pool experience, your kids may never develop the proper immune system to live in a modern society. Then again, if they drown they will not need to.

Your underwater up-throwing friend made me giggle. I've also heard of some unpleasant "floating" experiences. I think I will leave the rest to your imagination...

Glamazon said...

Oh, throw up. Ewww, ew, ew. Seriously. I will never think of a public pool in the same way again.

Krista said...

I've always thought of a public swimming pool as bathing with a bunch of strangers. I just can't do it. Wow, that picture made me want to just take a shower and get it over with. I think we should start a new catch phrase, "Hey! Why don't you two get a pool?"

mintifresh said...

I was swimming with a friend and I was throwing her little kid around in the water. I guess I pushed on his tummy too much and he puked! I went in told the lifeguard and he said, "was it a lot?" I said, "not much" then he said, "it'll probably be fine."

I am much less inclined to go to the public pool after that!

Joann Mannix said...

Here in Florida, most of us have our own pool. And just for the many reasons you've mentioned, mainly the body hair and fluids. The thought of public pools and all those people in lycra makes me cringe.

I don't even like hotel pools, eeewww.

And forget the water parks. Last year we had a kid die from E Coli after being at a water park. They said he had ingested strains of human feces through the water. No. No. And No.

But for whatever reason, I've always been cool with the beach, now known as the oil reservoir. Until this past summer, when I watched an old man blow his nose, hands free, right into the gulf water.

I guess I'm really not a fan of other people's bodily fluids.

Noelle said...

Ummm...I will never go to another public pool...as long as we both shall live. Not that I go anyway...just so happens my sister has a pool and we have no need for anything else. But if she ever moves...

No way. No how.

Joan said...

And that is why I have my own pool.

Dallen said...

We should write some sort of musical or sing-a-long where one of the songs is condemning public pools and their patrons. Even better... we should make one of those real-life singing and dancing performances. I imagine everybody listening, realizing, processing, and responding with some public change. ...Can't you?

Yeah, nevermind.

There's a place around here called Seven Peaks that is a major water park and they sell their season passes for 35-50 bucks depending on the deal. This is a two-college town! ...I bought a season pass two summers running (along with the other 40,000 college students) and somehow managed to shove my body through the main entrance where it was so dense with people, the people created their own gravitational pull. ...It pulled away my sense of enjoyment.

Beth Zimmerman said...

Yuck! Ewwwww! Gross! Etc!

Jenn said...

LOL... thanks for reminding me why I don't go to public pools anymore! My boyfriend says we might as well have the neighbor kids come and pee in our bathtub, we'd get the same effect and it wouldn't cost a thing!! :)

Mamma has spoken said...

That my friend, is why I NEVER go to a public pool. Well that and oversize men wearing undersize speedos.....

Kimi said...

Nothing awesome happens at the public pool! My kids don't even bother asking anymore cause they know their mean old mom is way too bitchy to hit the public puke hole.

We rock it old school. Sprinklers and a wading pool.

baygirl32 said...

I worked at public pools for nearly 4 years (both indoors and out) Unless I am being paid, you will not find me near a public pool. Some stuff you just dont need to see....

Gigi said...

I cannot stand public pools. i really cannot stand the public, period. :)

Baby Sister said...

Eww...I just went swimming today. Not cool.
Boyfriend hates the bathrooms as well.
And it was ridiculously crowded! And I hate swimming with annoying kids!!
And...I'll get off my soap box now...

Amy said...

I was just at our public swimming pool this afternoon and I was thinking to myself many of the same things you just mentioned.

Even my oldest (age 13) said, "Mom, guess what happened to John today in the shallow end of the pool?" (Note: This was after I left.) Well...poor kid got de-pants. I think that's the worst pool problem I've heard so far this summer. How embarrassing!

One Cluttered Brain said...

I like the SWIM at home ad at the end--LOL!
HA!
I made it in the TOP 20 comments...I feel so goood now! Now my weekend can start! And NOT at a public pool.
EW.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I'm with you, man! I understand your pain...
500 people in a septic tank. THAT's not leaving my brain for a long time.

W.C.Camp said...

Whenever I go to a public pool I simply bring my own water then I don't have to worry. I just pour it all around me as I move around and it dilutes the impurities. W.C.C.

MBGITWWR said...

The throw up story is classic. I'm glad you are speaking out against these public travesties. We all need to be alert and aware.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

Oh man .... public pools are so nasty! I was okay until read about your friend admitting to his underwater vomit session. BLECH!

tammy said...

Another reason I'm glad we have our own pool. At least I'm related (usually) to the people whose urine I may or may not be swimming in. And the groping is usually only done by my husband instead of some pervert. Well...actually Luvpilot is kind of a pervert too.

Cherie said...

OK I guess I am odd man out here but this is why - I am a diagnosed OCD type woman. Over the years I have had to overcome my aversion to germs or literally never leave my bedroom.
So the way I have come to terms with it is that pretty much EVERYTHING that is not in your own house is covered with other peoples crap/germs. The doors going into any store, grocery carts, the table at the restaurant you just sat down in and the chair you pulled out, the local video arcade/mini golf land, the hotel room you stayed in last summer and the rental car you drove (someone probably had sex in it),the theater seat you sat in last Friday night - yep some girls monthly leaked (at church too it's really sick), you get the idea.
So in my mind at least the pool is chlorinated and water washes off or keeps moving - nothing else is disinfected in anyway. As an OCD person I feel less like washing my hands for germs after I swim than I do after I leave church on Sunday.
How's that for playing devil's advocate?
As a side note. Went off the diving board when I was about 12 and my swimsuit floated right off and went to the bottom of the pool. That day I hated the pool being crowded!!

Corrina Terry said...

We must be on the same wavelength! I'm working on a blog about the rec center we go to. It's not as funny as yours though.

Ashlee said...

Okay so I haven't commented on your blog in a million years and that's a shame because lately your blog has been making me laugh harder than ever. I particularly enjoyed the stuff about Smurfette. Can I tell you something CRAZY though? My kids totally love the old stuff we get from the library-- way more than even Disney Pixars. It's bizarre. They are absolutely mesmerized by the Care Bears-- which by the way is the most mind numbingly boring and cheesy thing I've ever seen. I could not believe I loved it as a kid. I'm glad your boys at least thought it was lame too. We are stuck watching Care Bears around here! Anyway I just wanted to say thanks for the laughs and tell Cathi hi!

RenegadeExpress said...

The puddle thing is so true.

elesa said...

throwing up under water is about the funniest thing I've heard all day. And the line "I guess the water makes it ok." That is just good stuff.

Jess said...

if its any help at all...urine is supposed to be sterile... as in ... you could drink it and it wont hurt you... lol...

SO gross.... but what to do... we live in a area thats 115 outside for days on end.... and there is a waterpark down the road... Im so gonna have to read your post to my kids so they will be so grossed out we can switch to the wading pool and sprinklers....

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Icky. Swimming through pee and opf - other peoples funk.

The Empress said...

I know, I know, I struggle with the same thing. But my boys LOVE IT, so , there you go.

but, you are right on ALL counts.

Saimi said...

Great, just what I wanted to read after spending ALL day yesterday at a waterpark facility.

Is that in the same catergory as a public pool?

mama-face said...

haha. Add the cumulative amounts of cancer causing sunscreen chemicals mixed in bodily fluids which somehow someway you're going to swallow. And the fear that your child is going to drown beneath a mass of humans on water tubes in the wave pool. Um. And yes women have the same puddles in their restroom.

Yet there's not a better way to spend a summer day-in your house while your child goes to the pool-with a neighbor kid.

lindsey v said...

I swallowed so much pool water as a kid- I wonder how much of it was puke filled. Ewww. I KNOW how much of it was pee filled. All of it.

Melinda said...

I'm laughing my head off about your friend puking underwater!! HAHAHA!! How do you even DO that?! Thats awesome.

P.s. I love the public pool. No problem with it at all. And I totally pee in the pool. Don't hate me.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Hilarity continues to ensue from The Blog O Cheese. Is this photo a public pool in UT? We have 1 or 2 less folks in our public pools, generally.
xoRobyn

natalee said...

LOL!!! The next time my husband brings up getting a day pass to our town pool I'm showing him this...LOL!!!!!!!

Marnie said...

I just got back from my mini-vacation. My husband and I took our 5 year-old daughter for two days at this big water park in Niagara Falls Canada. We did end up having a great time, but you know what, those exact thoughts were going through my mind. You are spot on with your observations.

The chlorine was so strong, it took a layer or two off my skin - and that just told me that they have to turn the water into a chemical soup to ward off urine etc.

lisleman said...

I almost didn't make it here. First the interview then back over to an earlier post. It was worth it. This is one of your best it deserves to be hung somewhere in your house.

Your breakdown of public pools is great.
Also, your thinking out of the box shows with the idea of not having water.

Connie said...

We went to the public pool to celebrate my 32 year old son's birthday!
(Anything to make the grandkids happy) I should have read your post before I went. Gross!

Joanna @ The Casa said...

Don't forget about all the people who don't actually get out of the water and tip-toe across hot pavement to use the urine minefield of a restroom.

M-Cat said...

What is so funny, is that we JUST had our ward swim party last night. One should NEVER go to a swim party with ward people or work people. Just saying.

I claimed the excuse of my injection and made Splenda Daddy entertain the granddaughter. I just watched and silently mocked everyone else that I am now going to go worship with.

Teachinfourth said...

Wow, a few other reasons I can add for NOT going to 7 Peaks and the various other waterparks in the area.

Thanks, Cheeseboy!

Joe Cap said...

Public pools are scary...but I still use them. I must be brave or stupid...

Missy said...

Nothing better than a Pool full of White Trash!
Great post!

Unknown Mami said...

I can't stop laughing at the idea of cavorting in a crowded empty pool. I wonder if people would still pee in there if there was no water.

Marlene said...

Why am I itching all over after reading this?!! I haven't even been in a public pool in YEARS!!! Aaaack...maybe those germs are still on me!

MiMi said...

Oh man. I'm having flashbacks of the public pool. The swimming lessons cut short because there was a "floater." And then watching said "floater" be removed. Gah.

Ash said...

oh god - i hate public pools. that's why i opt to go to private residential pools. ;)

Mikki said...

So, we pretty much spent last evening in the local swimhole.
We attended with our ward for our yearly swim party. I think the blessing on the food at the beginning should have protected us against all this creepiness don't you? (please say yes!)
This post was hilarious btw!

Tammy said...

I LOVE THIS! "And what if there was no water? What if we all stripped to our underwear, stood in an empty pit five feet apart from each other and flung our arms around? Wouldn't we all feel awkward and a little jackassish? I guess somehow the water makes it okay."

Never thought of it that way but I can't stop laughing now!

Powdered Toast Man said...

If I didn't have sandals with me I would just pee in the pool. My ninja skills aren't honed enough.

Ally said...

My entire life I grew up with a backyard pool. My mom hasn't had the money to keep it up after a big storm wrecked the lining, etc. Long story short, she joined her local community pool. I've been tagging along with her and boy are you right. This is my first experience with public pools and wow, it's so nasty. You're correct in every way. There are way too many people butt-to-butt, no room to move! The things people try to pass off as bathing suits are unreal as well. Gym clothes for some of them.

Vanessa said...

Someone either poops in the pool or pukes every time we go. I hate it.

I however love the parade of tramp stamps, oops tatoo's and guessing if they have had a boob job or a tummy tuck. That is my favorite past time at the our pool.

Vanessa said...

Teachin' Fourth:

I hate 7 Peaks, too. It stinks like gross wet astro turf.

Cowabunga Bay however is very clean and nice.

Just thought I would throw that out there.

Sausage Fingers said...

Meanwhile the phone is ringing of the hook at the Acme pool company and the company that makes those "Please don't pee in our pool" signs.

Mae Rae said...

ick, ick and a little more ick! I have chills running down my spine now just ick!

Pat said...

Word of the day: jackassish....I LOVE IT!

Reading this post just made me glad I'm afraid of water!

Emmy said...

Oh I had crypto once, after swimming in a public pool in Utah actually.. So not fun.

Love your comment about all standing there in our underware, too funny.

So what do you think of the ocean?

Mary said...

I loved going to the pool as a kid...now, not so much...I'm too much of a germophobe!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

I happen to love swimming, I may even be part fish.

But yes, public swimming pools do have a tendency to make one double check their records to make sure they've received all their vaccination shots.

Yuck

FabuLeslie said...

Oh my goodness. There's a free one right around the corner from me, and although I keep meaning to go, I just can't bring myself to do it. I think I am subconsciously thinking all of these thoughts that you just put out there. Although, they aren't so witty in my head.

And the ninja style death stance? I'd like to see that. But I think I'd like to see that Old Spice pitch man doing that one. No offense, but he's single. :)

The Church Lady said...

I'm not a huge fan of public pools either. I prefer lake swimming where it is OK to pee in the water. LOL

FabuLeslie said...

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=old+spice+man&aq=f

Did I confuse you with the reference to the Old Spice man? Try You Tube. Must be a phenomenon only the single ladies are aware of...

Garden of Egan said...

Well, I think I'm gonna be sick.

You are right, but it's disgusting. I haven't gone swimming in years.

He threw up under water. Really?
Awesome that he was able to keep from drowning.
Talent really.

Mormon Surrogate said...

I am in total agreemet. Public pools are nasty and no fun for anyone!

tiburon said...

I completely agree. I struggle with taking my kids to the public pool - but mostly because I don't want to put on a bathing suit!

Lene said...

Amen Gigi. Amen!

Jackassish is now my new favorite word.