You never hear stories of a couple getting engaged or a baby being born at a public swimming pool. (Conceived, maybe, but not born.)
Quite the contrary, if someone begins a sentence like this: "You would not believe what happened at the public pool today!", you can rest assured that this story is not going to end well. In fact, it will most likely end with one of these sentences:
- "And then they had to call the fire department to get George unstuck."
- "By the time it was over, there were 6 kids crying and they had to drain the entire pool."
- "And I haven't left the restroom since."
- "I can honestly say that I have never seen that much hair on one man's back."
- "Well you would think that the gal at the store wouldn't have sold HIM that Speedo!"
- "And it hung over so far, she really didn't even need to wear a swimsuit."
These diseases are prevalent, unless, of course, they load the pool with extreme amounts of chlorine; in which case you may enjoy the benefits of dry skin, stinging eyes and smelling like a public pool for 4 to 6 hours.
The most horrendous thing about a public pool is that they are never not crowded. At every public pool I have ever "swam" at, the bodies are loaded back to back. It's like the water makes everyone feel invisible. People wear whatever the crap they want to wear and don't shave whatever the crap they don't want to shave. You don't want to stick your hand out too far in a public pool.
Here is a breakdown of public pool swimming:
One person in a pool = They must be training for something.
Twelve people in a pool = Merriment and fun.
500 people in a pool = Unenclosed septic tank.
And what if there was no water? What if we all stripped to our underwear, stood in an empty pit five feet apart from each other and flung our arms around? Wouldn't we all feel awkward and a little jackassish? I guess somehow the water makes it okay.
Whenever I visit a public pool, the absolute WORST part of my day is when I have to use the restroom. First of all, I ALWAYS forget to wear my sandals, so I have to tiptoe across the hot concrete like a cartooned moron. Secondly - and I am not sure what the pool restroom is like for ladies - but in the men's room there are hundreds of little puddles that you have to hurdle with your bare feet. No one knows if these puddles contain urine or water, but there is a good chance that they contain both.
Finally, when we men are actually able to maneuver around the locker room obstacle course of cesspools, there is ALWAYS one last cesspool waiting for us at the urinal. At this point, I have to go so badly that my only option - other than stand in the cesspool - is to find the two dry spots, place my feet in them and then use a ninja style death stance while doing my business.
When I was a kid, my buddy once went off the high dive, belly flopped hard and came up looking pale. He swam to the side and quietly proclaimed that he had thrown up underwater. This is the type of information I feel my readers need to know.
We haven't taken the kids to a public pool in years. Perhaps I am being a little too hard on them? I mean, the last time we went my kids only almost drowned 5 times instead of 10, got jumped on 3 times instead of 8 and the lifeguards only had to yell at some overactive kids 67 times instead of 432.
Anything to cool off I suppose.