Wednesday, July 7, 2010

You see son, some monkeys do have lightsabers! They just aren't mentioned much in Star Wars.

While it seems I am fresh out of creative ideas for the time being, I am fortunate that there has been plenty of hilariosity surrounding me the last few days.  Here a just a few items of blithe and hystericality for your (hopeful) enjoyment.


Item 1: If you are a long time reader of the Cheese Blog, you know that tutor part time at Sylvan Learning Center.  Recently, I have been tutoring a 14 year old fella that happens to be a dwarf.  Now, I am not positive what these folks want to be called nowadays, but I am fairly sure he wouldn't mind being called a dwarf because he will often wear a tee shirt with a "Dwarf Basketball League" logo on the front.

This kid - we shall call him "Kurt" as it is the least offensive name I can think of for a dwarf - is quite energetic and entertaining most of the time.  I, on the other hand, am a moron and I feel badly for the parents that actually pay to have me tutor their kids sometimes.  Anyway, the other day, Kurt and I had the following conversation:

CB (Cheeseboy): So, are you going to do anything for the weekend?

Kurt: Well, my family is going to Lagoon (a lame, wannabe Six Flags, local amusement park with 90% throw-up rides), but I am just going to stay home.

CB: How come?

Kurt: I hate Lagoon.  I am too short for almost all the rides.

CB: [Not thinking at all] Well, give yourself a couple years, you'll get there.

Kurt: [Utter look of bewilderment and disgust on his face.  He says - and quite coyly for a 14 year old...]  Uh, Abe... Do you know something I don't?

Just that I am a moron.


Item 2: Given my life of luxury and pleasure during the summer, I took my two boys to the zoo yesterday.  We were rumbling and fumbling around something called the "Small Animal House" (a place so full of vile scents, they had to had to hang signs on the wall explaining that small animals fart and pee a lot and that is why it stinks so badly), when my four year old and I stopped at a window with small monkeys inside. 

Upon first glance, the closest male monkey to our faces was very, very, shall we say, "happy."  My four year old son and I proceed to have the following conversation:

Calder: DAD!  Look at that monkey!  His tail goes all the way through his body.

CB: Wow, you're right Calder.  That is weird.

Calder: Why is his tail like that dad?

CB: I'm not sure, but I think it is like that in case he falls head first from a really tall tree, he can helicopter down.

Calder: Oh dad.  That is cool.

CB: I KNOW!  HUH?!

Item 3: Our dentist has informed us that our younger son is going to need braces in 10-15 years, which is perfect because then we can put both my colonoscopy and the braces on our FLEX plan that year.

Item 4: I was tutoring another kid the other day at Sylvan.  This time, he was much younger (about 5) and just learning to read.  We were playing a word game to help build his decoding skills and it was not going well...

CB: Okay, say "cheeseburger" without the cheese.

Kid: "Cheeseburger without the cheese."

CB: No, no.  Say "cheeseburger", but leave off the cheese part.

Kid: "Cheeseburger, but leave off the cheese part."

CB: Ha ha!  [Trying to think of a way to rephrase] Okay, what do you get if you take the "cheese" off "cheeseburger"?

Kid: [Thinking hard as well] Um, pickles and onions and lettuce?

Item 5 Same kid - different day, different word game.

CB: Okay, if you hear the letter B in the middle of these words I am going to say, say yes.  If there is not, say no. Okay?

Kid: Got it.

CB: Okay, first word is "bubble".  Do you hear a B in the middle of "bubble"?

Kid: Yes.

CB: GOOD!  Okay, next word... "honey".  Is there a B in "honey"?

Kid: Yes.

CB: Okay, let me say it again really slowly... Hunn-NE.  Is there a B in Hunn-NE?

Kid: Yes

CB: There is?  Do you hear a B in Hunn-NE?

Kid: Well, I don't hear one, but bees are always in honey.

Final Item: A facebook "friend" of mine had this as his status the other day and I thought it was enlightening:

"So many people have told me how bad they cried during Toy Story 3 that I am a little scared.  You see, I poop when I cry."

65 comments:

Tammy said...

Great timing for me to be here as #1!!!!

These are hilarious stories, especially #1, 4, and 5!!!!!!

-stephanie- said...

Sometimes kids are just smarter than adults. Love the happy monkey story.

Nikki said...

LOL! So awesome. And the cheeseburger part reminds me of my little girl when she was just under 3 years in speech therapy. I wish I had written down the things she'd say to the coach.

MiMi said...

HAHAHA!! Pickles, and onions and lettuce. :)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

That five year old is way too smart to be at that learning center!

baygirl32 said...

What, sorry? I can't get past the lightsaber part. I mean, really I can't stop staring and laughing at that picture (how sick am I?)

HAHA, ok I'm just giggling now... histerical!

lindsey v said...

Ha ha! Kurt is very close to "kurtz" which, in German, means "short"

lindsey v said...

Oh- wait. I guess in English curt means short too... I gotcha.

Deidra said...

I love witty kids. Especially when they don't realize their own hilarity. ^_^

T said...

all funny, all the time...

my daughters recently were amazed at the frogs giving piggy back rides to eachother... such innocence :)

FabuLeslie said...

Hahaha! All very funny stories.

That 5-year-old is why our jobs teaching first graders are so hard! That is such a normal conversation in my classroom every year.

Also, Toy Story 3 was pretty sad.

Beth Zimmerman said...

You have the most interesting life but it's getting a little old explaining who *Abe* is every day when you make me laugh. I'm hoping *the guy in Utah* will stick better! Maybe I should have just started with Cheeseboy!

Pat Tillett said...

Forget the "extra" tail. that poor guy has quite a case of "pelotas azules!"

Lisa Loo said...

I'm sorry--the magnitude of information included in this post has just overwhelmed me to the point of speechlessness.

Teachinfourth said...

The monkey's tail went all the way through him? Whoa…

Once again you've not failed to deliver my friend.

Amy said...

I was laughing so hard reading this latest blog that my husband came downstairs wanting to know what I'm doing. You are too funny!

Melinda said...

I love them all, I can't even pick one story over another, they are all hilarious. I need to start writing down all the funny things that happen to me during the day...or atleast remember them.

Mamma has spoken said...

I loved it all. Your story of the cheesburger reminded me of the little ones I test. On part of the test, they have to repeat the sentences I say. Some of them are question forms. Almost every time I say, "Can my friends come over and watch tv?" they will reply 'yes'

M-Cat said...

Hysterical! I wonder if the dwarf boy is any relation to the dwarf boys that were my other kids ages.

One time we were at a basketball camp (I know - right? Do dwarfes play bb? Apparently so), and the got into a fight with each other.

Nothing funnier than two dwarfs duking it out.

And now, I am going to hell.

Saimi said...

Those are great! Thanks for the laugh. It reminds me of all the funny little things the preschoolers say. Which is why I started a preschool blog!

lisleman said...

I'm so glad I laughed instead of crying. What's that smell? Have you been crying again?

The zoo is always a good source for blog posts. Thanks for the idea.

DeNae said...

I was going to say something about Hogel Zoo, but it was too curt. Which is, of course, a short and abrasive remark.

Darn that sub-conscious.

The Church Lady said...

I'm so glad you find humor in every day life! It's what gets us by. Thanks for the laugh today, Cheeseboy!!

Ash said...

LOVE the final item. have you checked out lamebook.com? it's so LAME! :)

thanks for the giggles. well, i'm in the office so cant really LOL. >.<

~ash's mum

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I read these all outloud to my husband, and we had a bonding moment laughing!

Dallen said...

Oh the comedy! You know, I didn't even see the "b" joke coming! I was all straining my mind (but not TOO hard) to figure it out, and in my anxious anticipation, I cried and pooped.

That little kid is going to be the President someday.

And the monkey joke... You have just added yet another item to my very extensive list entitled, "Why I HATE monkeys." I Hate them. I'm not using that word lightly either. I wouldn't even hesitate to shoot and kill a monkey.

Silver Strands said...

OK Cheeseboy ... I'm dying to know: who are you really???

And my daughters are in competition to see who goes the longest without washing her hand that David touched ... I'd much rather have a monument that no one touches.

Anyhooo ... I have some discount coupons for Lagoon - they're up for grabs. I just can't do those old-jerky-rides anymore.

Denalee

Mr. Stupid said...

These were hilarious. The five year old kid is hysterical. Pickles, onions and lettuce.... LOL

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

Okay, all of those are hilarious!! Especially the first one, with Kurt. :)

Copyboy said...

Those are certainly hilarious! Though as a short person (not dwarf status) I do feel for Kurt. I was 18 before I could go on the bumper cars all by myself.

Connie said...

First of all, let me get this off my chest; I hate monkeys!

We could tell by the ultra sounds that our kids needed braces! 8 kids and $30,000.00 later, we have a family with nice smiles that won't last long because they don't wear retainers! Oh well, their spouses can pay for their next set!

Donda said...

Bahahaha Your hilarious even when nothing is going on!

MX3 said...

Awesome like always, Cheeseboy! Thanks for the laughs :-)

Krista said...

He sounds like an angry dwarf. (OMHeck) Laughed my guts out (or pooped.)

Tree said...

Out of the mouths of babes! LOL I bet you have so much fun! I cracked up at your friend's Facebook status! :)

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Aah, I'd like to adopt Kurt as my own little little person. I can totally relate, but I was always thrilled when I didn't qualify to ride the scary rides. It's an easy way out. I'd fake disappointment. Nah, acutally I cheered when the tip of my head didn't read the red line. Thank goodness.
xoRobyn

CBHash Eater said...

When I was three years old, I was tall enough to ride all of the rides at Disneyland. So my parents took me on all the rides and scarred me for life.
I got back at my mom by screaming at her and trying to take her out of the line to Space Mountain. When we almost to the end of the line where you get on the ride, she gave up and helped me chicken out.
No she won't let me live that down.

Baby Sister said...

I don't have time to read the whole thing....but the poop status was hilarious! I'll have to come back and read the rest tomorrow.

Susan Tipton said...

Maybe it's because it's 1:50 a.m. - but this was your funniest post ever.

A dwarf, a monkey, and a 5 year old came into a bar and...

W.C.Camp said...

You may have trouble getting rights, but you probably have enough stories for a book entitled "Clouds with a Sylvan lining"! Cute Post - W.C.C.

ScoMan said...

I think that kid is too smart for your puny human word games.

blueviolet said...

He poops when he cries...lol

I love the fine anatomy education you gave your son!

MBGITWWR said...

Okay, I was laughing the whole way through that, but that last one was the kicker. I about pooped! Not really, but the snot almost flew onto the computer screen!

tammy said...

I think the five year old is probably a genius. And so are you with the monkey tail fib.

Marlene said...

ROFL! Thanks for the giggles! Really enjoyed reading your bloggy post today!

Hart Johnson said...

*dies* Oh, that 5-year old is a card! Love your little tales!

*still giggling at monkey story* I think you need to document that for his high school graduation.

mintifresh said...

I'm glad to know I'm not the only master of the fine art of foot in mouth ;)

I gotta meet the guy that poops when he cries! That's awesome!

Claire said...

This post made my day.
Awesomesauce.

..That's my first time saying awesomesauce..I don't feel it works for me.

DEZMOND said...

ah, love how kids can be smart sometimes :)

Lindzena said...

Oh this made me laugh. I'm going to Lagoon on Saturday. I shall look for a dwarf who may or may not answer to Kurt. :)

Kelley said...

You are such a quick thinker with that tail through the monkey bit. I probably would've just he was the police officer monkey & that was his billy club to use on mean monkeys. He probably does use it on mean monkeys, so you wouldn't have been lying. ALSO, thanks so much for calling my blog post "BRILLIANTLY clever & hilarious"! That very nice compliment means a lot coming from someone with a brilliantly clever & hilarious blog!

Hutch said...

That 5 year is old is going to win every logic based competition/argument when he gets older!

Mary said...

I'm still laughing at #2!!! Way to think on your feet!

Kelly said...

Poops when he cries huh? I wonder what happens when he laughs. He better not read your blog!

The Invisible Seductress said...

This is comic gold!! I needed this today!! I sure wish you were around to tutor me with my "R"s.. I still screw them up!!

Eric said...

Whoa, you just made me realize that 'B's are in the word 'B'ees...

Dude.

Writing Without Periods! said...

I want to know where Kristina P. got her Bedazzled Snuggie. You have a great blog and the most interesting followers. There is a "B" in bedazzled!
Ha!
Mary

Powdered Toast Man said...

All so funny. "I poop when I cry", that one killed me.

Good stuff.

Keely said...

Item #1 is totally something I'd do. My brain is set on auto-pilot. I once asked an acquaintance how his wife was doing - she'd passed away the year before. AWKWARD.

Emmy said...

Okay you said you have nothing to blog about, this post is hilarious!! I May have even snorted when I read about the monkey.

Unknown Mami said...

Thank Gawd I don't poop when I cry. Sometimes I cry when I poop.

Pat said...

#1 - Nice going, teach
#2 - That's telling it like it is, Dad
#3 - Is it called a "Flex" plan because of the "flexible" hose that's involved in the colonoscopy? heh-heh
#4 - I see a future in fast foods for that kid
#5 - Just answer me this ... Did YOU go to school on the short bus?

Charlotte said...

My husband is a Emergency Room physician and has said similarly embarrassing things way too many times to count. Surprisingly he never tells me about them, one of his nurses does...

lori said...

"Poops-when-he-laughs" sounds like an indian name.
This post is you running out of blog ideas?? It's hilarious! i wish I could be as funny when I've ran out of blog ideas!

Tracie said...

LOL! Kids are always golden blog fodder!