Thursday, July 22, 2010

Did I have questions for NBC regarding the Olympics? Oh, I had questions alright.

An actual email I just sent to NBC Olympics at NBColympicsfeedback@nbcuni.com.  I found the email address on this site welcoming questions about the Olympics.  Welcoming? They were practically BEGGING for questions. I promise to post any response I receive ASAP.

Hello NBC,

I noticed there was an email for Olympic questions.  I have some questions about the Olympics (as per the email on the website suggests). 

1. I understand that the Olympics are held every four years.  But what if you held them every 8 years instead and the winners could just get two medals instead of one?  For example, in the last Olympics, Michael Phelps would have won 26 medals instead of just 13!  Can you imagine the ratings?  In the years that there were supposed to be Olympics on, you could show a new A Team series or another show with Jilian yelling at more people.

2. The opening ceremonies are full of grace and extravaganza.  I love the fireworks.  What I would like to know is why can't there be fireworks shot off the roofs of every NBC affiliate nationwide?  It would really give us a better sense of the fireworks, instead of just watching them on TV.

3. In the equestrian events, why don't the horses get medals too? I don't think that this is fair.  I think they should get like a giant, horse-sized medal.  It doesn't have to be real gold or silver or anything, just something nice so the horse knows it's not one of the losers. Also, the horses should be on the podiums.

American horses should NOT be required to put their hoofs over their heart during the anthem.  That would definitely be animal cruelty as I am not even sure their hoofs can bend that way.

I'll ask my brother about that.  He's in the glue industry.

4. My high school gym teacher swore that Bob Costas was in the short lived TV show Bosom Buddies opposite Tom Hanks.  There is NO WAY that is true because Tom Hanks would never stoop so low to be in a SITCOM about cross-dressing men.  Perhaps you can clear this up for my teacher though? (If she is still alive.  She was like 63 and did a lot of hard living, meaning, she went to a lot of Lilith Fair concerts in the summertime.)

5. I'd really like to go to the 2010 winter Olympics in Canada, but I am concerned about security. By that time I am likely to have a mustache and a facial tattoo. (A small but visible sweat drop.  I was going to go with tear drop, but that seemed a little cliche.) 

Just so you know, my mustache will be well groomed.  I may or may not also be wearing an ankle bracelet, depending on how things go in the next couple weeks with my parole officer.

I am dating a lovely parole officer and to save on costs, when we get engaged we've decided to go with ankle bracelets instead of rings.  They'll be classy; mine will have a picture of her in a hidden locket.  She plans on getting one with an engraving of Edward on it.  (She's really big into Twilight right now.)

Anyway, I'd really like to see the speed skating because I hear those skaters go really fast.  It would be really fun to tie a sled behind them.  Hey, that could be a new sport? 

Well, I have to go NBC.  My girlfriend keeps telling me to, "GET OFF THE G.D. COMPUTER!"  She hates it when I spend too much time on here and not enough time putting white makeup on my face and gluing shiny scales on my chest. 

Thank you for your time and any response would be appreciated,

Abe
Raiser of Collies, Boat Repair
Murray, UT

46 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I think that the age limit for women's gymnastics is much too old. 16?!? She practically needs a walker.

I think that 2 1/2 should be the age limit. If they can wear a bikini and rock a fake tan and teeth in a pageant, they should be able to do a balance beam twirl.

UnicycleRose said...

Give me another good reason why the horse can't put his hoof over his heart? I agree with the big horsey medals, but really wish equines could show the Amercian flag/antehm a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T!!

Amy said...

I agree with the Olympics every 8 years also. I think I'd pay better attention to it all if that was the case.

Saimi said...

I'm all about the horses standing on the podium and recieving the medals...After all they're the ones doing all the work. What does the rider do anyway, but sit and enjoy the ride and savor the glory.

Of course, the horse gets the breeding rights with a hot mare and a cushy stall. Most likely in their opinion thats probably better than a medal!

Gigi said...

That would be Peter Scolari, not Bob Costas, in Bosom Buddies.

Why do I know that?

Donda said...

I fear this great masterpiece of hilarity will succumb to the delete button LOL

W.C.Camp said...

How many poor businesses have you spoofed with your goofy letters? You are going to end up with a reputation as the Michael Moore of Blogdom! W.C.C.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Can not wait for the answers... ha ha ha

Marlene said...

I was gonna correct your Bob Costas thing...but I see someone beat me to it.

That said, I do think the horses deserve the medal!

Baby Sister said...

Haha. I have no words...you left me speechless.

Dazee Dreamer said...

I'm totally on with the horses winning the metals. Start a petition. You would be perfect for that job.

FabuLeslie said...

Hey, you neglected to inform them of your habit of not wearing deodorant under your arms or anywhere else on your body. I don't think that's gonna fly in Canada. I'm pretty sure they inspect at the border for those kind of shenanigans, and they have a no tolerance policy.

If a teardrop tattoo indicates that you killed someone in the name of a gang, what does the sweat drop represent? Again, I think we're back to your predisposition to mock our society's standards of olfactory care by refusing to apply deodorant on a regular basis. Shame on you, Cheeesboy. Shame on you.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Oh my, you were on a roll with this one, Cheeseboy. It's even funnier than your usual very funny stuff. I love the note about your brother working in the glue industry.
xoRobyn

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I think the horses should get a medal - they do all the work!

Cruella Collett said...

Hello Abe,

We sincerily appologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you that the Canandians chose to go ahead with the 2010 Winter Olympics as planned in February, rather than to wait until we could get back to you on your inquiries. We can assure you that a team of NBC's finest experts are working on the questions you raised, and that we will do our very best to solve this in a peacockly manner.

All the best,
Jeff Zucker, CEO.

natalee said...

LOL!!! HAHAHAHHA!! That was a freakin riot!!

Joe Cap said...

The only comment I can make is...
they should only have the Olympics about every 50 years or so.

Deidra said...

I never thought of that point about the horses, but you're right, they should definitely be informed that they aren't losers! They do most of the work, right? There should be a horsey uprising against the riders who take all the glory!

Jenn said...

Those are all very good questions...but I really hate to break it to you.. Tom Hanks really did play a cross dresser. I know.. I didn't want to believe it either, but it's true. Sad, but true!

Garden of Egan said...

Seriously?
I think there would be nothing better than watching a horse on the podium making road apples in front of all the stuffy suit wearing medal givers.

Could you train the horse to lower its neck to receive the medal?

Kimi said...

I am eagerly awaiting their response to you!!! I love the Edward engraved ankle bracelet....Classy!

T said...

Best bit?
"he's in the glue industry"

ModernMom said...

:) MY fave is number 3! Those horses should absolutely get medals too!

Sausage Fingers said...

The last line was classic, only us Twi-dads get that. My wifey is an Edward nut also. Look at an old blog I wrote called "Where do I turn in my man card"

Writing Without Periods! said...

I saw a horse put his paw over his heart one time...after a few gins.
Love the post.
Mary

Marnie said...

I was laughing so hard I became breathless :0)))) If they don't laugh at this, then they have zero sense of humor. If you get a response you HAVE to post it.

MiMi said...

Hilarious!!! I can't wait to see if there's a response.

Noelle said...

My favorite line: "I'll ask my brother. He's in the glue ..."

Don't be disappointed if you don't get a response Cheeseboy!

lisleman said...

I'm a joker
I'm a smoker (quit thank goodness)
I'm a midnight toker
I get my lovin' on the run

But now YOU are a member of Team ICB
I Can't Blog
thanks

C'est La Vie said...

oh good heavens, please share their reply.

i have a friend just...like...you.

Joann Mannix said...

Here's my question: Why do the volleyball girls have to wear such minuscule bikinis? If it were me, I would get a wedgie every time I leapt at the ball and I would be so uncomfortable, I wouldn't be able to keep my head in the game, thinking about that confounded wedgie. And America would lose, all because some lame people in charge who were clearly men, decided it was necessary that girls compete in bikinis.

I'm going away for the weekend. Don't do anything fun while I'm away.

Missy said...

I agree with the horse issue. They are the ones doing the actual work!
You are a hoot!

Emmy said...

Lol! Yeah I am guessing you didn't ever get a response.

Bossy Betty said...

I am all over that sled behind the skaters thing!!!

Abby said...

Seriously, have you read the "Letters From a Nut" series of books? You'd probably get more ideas, but I also fear most people know about these sorts of prank letters now and aren't nearly as easily fooled as they once were.

Pat said...

Are you still getting a feed for NBC or has it mysteriously been cut off?

sammy said...

lol these letter things are hilarious to me! the horse's should absolutely get the medals. i also think the same should go for the horses at the race track and the cars in nascar should get doused with milk and pepsi.

i know its probably un-american of me, but the summer games are okay or moderately watchable. the winter olympics is a different story all together. can you say snooze festival? true story...i was going to post about it a looong time ago but deemed it to be kinda mean considering i know people who work with some of those guys/gals...yeah i have a heart. who knew.

Jillybean said...

Mr. Cheeseboy, official Raiser of Collies and Boat Repairman for the 2010 Winter Olympics.

Powdered Toast Man said...

I live across the street from a horse farm. I polled the horses and instead of a trophy they would rather have bedazzled leather jackets with their names on the back.

Mr. Stupid said...

This was hilarious Abe. I totally agree with you about the Horses. I would say, they should get a Golden Horseshoe. Or better, a Golden teeth. Everyone likes that, right?

jayayceeblog said...

Great letter, Cheeseboy! Obviously, a lot of deep thought went into it!!! Maybe their new motto should be All Olympics, All the Time and they should start advertising for the next one now. As it is, they only start about 3 MONTHS AHEAD of time, ensuring that I'll be so Olympiced out by the time they actually start the games, I won't be able to watch at all.

Sam Liu said...

How I have missed your wonderful hilarity! You are a comedic genius of the highest degree, I defy whichever NBC employee reads that email not to break out in laughter :D

Teachinfourth said...

Good luck on a response…if you get one, be sure to let us know the contents thereof.

Lindsay Blogs said...

I have tears running down my face from pure laughter. Oh Cheeseboy. I do heart thee.

M-Cat said...

Oh my crap this is funny!

I'll ask my brother - he's in the glue business.......now all I can see in my head is a horse with it's hoove over it's heart, standing on a podium with a great big horse medal

Marla said...

Heard anything yet?