I had a dream last night about my deodorant.
I opened my bathroom cabinet and it started speaking to me. The cap was flapping up and down as it spoke and it started pleading for me to start applying it on my pits again. Another important note is that the deodorant's voice was that of Pauly Shore's and it clearly had had breast implants. (There was no way that they could have been real; they were clearly well beyond the size of what normal deodorant breasts would be.)
When I woke up, my sheets were soaked with sweat - ironic on several levels - and I was trembling in fear. I panicked and performed a 3:00 AM sprint into my bathroom to find my deodorant stick sitting right where I had left it, voiceless and breastless.
But I digress...
One of my beloved commenters made an astute point yesterday: If I depend on strangers to tell me that I stink, they will not tell me I stink. I refer to this phenomenon as the "Abe-Stank Paradigm".
Therefore, I call upon you - real life people that I actually see on a daily basis - to inform me on a daily basis as to my stank factor. I urge you not be nervous or ashamed to approach me on this topic, this is something I want and need to know. The results of this experiment must be valid and only you can validate me.
I'll raise my arms for you, all you need to do is ask.
In the meantime, no one said a word about my supposed stench today, but here is the thing: There is a mysterious, funk odor running through our house today and I am the only one that can smell it. It's a foul scent, much like a dog's breath or rotten milk, or rotten milk mixed with dog breath. I don't think this rancidity is my doing, but there is really no way to be sure.
Until I can figure this mystery out, I will happily sit on my couch, soaked in my own filth and watch something called "Karate Dog" with my 102 degree'd 4 year old son. A son that, by the way, just looked up at me and said, "Dad, Karate Dog is AWESOME!"
53 comments:
Let me know how many of your friends will volunteer to stick their nose in your pits, will ya? ;) And Paulie Shore...how freakin' cool is that?!
Later....bbuuddyyy!!
So you really think you can last a whole week? I would be giving up if it were me, and I was stinking up the joint
I like your graph. My tupperwear drawer is like that too.
I don't think the smell in your house was from you. You are just more concious about the fact you aren't wearing any deordorant. I make my deodorant, but I know someone who refuses to use any form of deodorant and she smells just fine. No stink factor. I think it also boils down to your food choices and level of cleanliness...if you don't shower for 5 days you will smell regardless if you wear deodorant every day.
All the marketing out there makes you feel that anything but store bought is not good. It's a guaranteed way to spend monthly on store bought toothpaste, deodorant, household cleaners etc.
There is definitely some law of the universe that causes the lids of tupperware to be repelled by the bowls. No doubt about it.
Secondly, I must really have a stink problem, because I can smell myself if I forget my deodorant for a day, or if I don't shower for 2 days. Wait, what? I've never skipped a shower for 2 days. I just meant the first part. About forgetting deodorant. Not about the non-showering part. My point is I wouldn't have to rely on others to tell me about my stink factor... Guess I'm just an independent woman like that.
I have to be honest, your graph is very revealing. However at my house, the lids are overflowing and who knows where the bowls are? I think the raccoons eat them. W.C.C.
Oh Cheeseboy, If you smell a strange odor lingering in the halls just think what's it doing to your couch.
Apply my friend, apply then go scrub anything you were leaning against.
When your wife regains her olfactory receptors she'll thank you!
I agree with your chart, I think I'm going to clean out my tupperwear drawer now.
this is weird
but while I was reading this, my husband, sitting beside me said
WHAT'S THAT SMELL
It's sad that you've reached the point where you're not dreaming about deodorant. And after only 3 days.
They must lace it with some addictive chemical, and if we try to break free we suffer strange withdrawals.
I actually read that some people use Tupperware as deodorant. This sounds like a plan.
Mary
I put on deodorant but was outside sweating all day today, it was ridiculously hot and humid today (not at all average Washington weather), and I still don't smell. Lucky me.
My mom's tupperware always has the same ending...
You are a loon.
That's all.
Note the Summer's Eve add under your comments.
i swear that just this morning i was up doing somethingsa round the house and about 3 hours in i was like 'what is that smell??'...it was me. i simply cannot go without deodorant for long because i have a really sensitive nose (i guess) and i smell things right away.
i used to have the tupperware problem as well. i soon found out there is a monster that sneaks in people's houses at night and steals the lids and then melts em down to fuel his spaceship.
he comes from the same breed of monster that sneaks in people's dryers and steals just one sock.
I think we have some of your tupperware lids over here... they don't seem to fit anything in our cupboards!
I'm glad that the deodorant stick was breastless when you double checked... I was getting worried about you.
All I can say is that there once was a truly foul odor in my daughter's room. It got bad enough that she told me about it and asked what it could be. After much searching,..we found the culprit. It was a tupperware cup 1/2 full of what may have been some kind of drink at one time but had since become a science project. It was up on a shelf. PS - as long as you smell like a man,....it's all good.
Pauly Shore as a deodorant narrator is just plain awesome.. See,, even your nightmares are cool. I would imagine Pauly narrating a nightmare about cheez whiz,, you just branched him out to a tranny personal hygiene product nightmare narration. I am sure he is somewhere feeling just a bit more accomplished tonight because of you!!
Hahahaha!! Ew. Uh...your stank is coming through my computer screen and I'm not-uh likin' it one bee-yut. Also...loved the tupperware graph! Funny stuff, main.
For your wife and your kids' sake, let me be the first to say, with internal conflict because I think you're awesome, but YOU DO STINK, Cheeseboy. I thought there was a funky smell around here, and now I know why. Your odor has crossed state lines. Note that I say this lovingly, but with the courage and integrity that I strive for daily while applying Lady's Speedstick.
xoRobyn
BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA
"... this phenomenon as the "Abe-Stank Paradigm"."
That made me spew coffee!
Your commentor is correct about people not telling someone else they stink. A co-worker once went all natural and she had an unpleasant odor, and no one told her. But they sure talked about it.
I'm enjoying your blog very much. Thanks for creating it.
That's a nice graph. Though, in case of my mom, it should show an increase in all Tupperwares.
Good going Cheeseboy. Next time, bring Ronald McDonald on your side. He should scare the deodorant away.
Wait, what's that smell????
Ten bucks says the shirt you had on was in the washer too long before it got to the drier. I know that smell. I have had to re-do whole loads of laundry because I saw something sparkly and forgot I was doing laundry in the first place.
Oh for the love of Pete.... come over here and I'll smell ya. And if you stink, TRUST ME, I'll tell ya straight.
Thanks so much for swinging by Casa Hice and leaving such a nice comment!
Our food storage cabinet does some messed up things too. i can't even call it Tupperware because that would mean I went to one of those parties, but instead, I buy precut deli meat in the Glad containers & reuse em. I'm Green.And kinda poor.
I dont know.. you might stink. Because I can admit that I forget to put it on often myself. I mean, I don't leave the house some days!!! I have stopped, sniffed & been like "damnit!!!!" several times.
The way to tell is stand close to people in grocery/store/public lines. If they move. You smell.Or, you make them uncomfortable. Either way you win!!!!!!
As a mother of four grown sons I'm here to tell you, the smell is you. Take pity on your family and use the Paulie Shore Speed Stick!
Ok, the question is... can you smell yourself? If you can smell your own stank then it's bad bad bad! Lucky for your wife she has a cold...must be like a blessing in disguise!! lol
Well now, don't I feel sheepish! My comment on yesterday's post is now irrelevant since you have remedied the sitch.
That's what I get for being a day behind.
And dude, that stench is YOU!
I think your deodorant is causing the funk.
And our tupperwear ratio is the opposite - we must have all of your lids.
LOL. Pauly Shore..... bahahahaha.
I have never seen a more honest graph. The greatest mystery of all time-where do the lids go?
You have VIVID dreams!!! I laughed and laughed over this one. Thank you for my daily dose of cheese!!!!!!!!!!
p.s. My hubby had a similar experience (not wearing deodarant). It was only for a day though because he'd forgotten. He kept telling me that he could "smell something dead" in our house. I have a sharp nose and I finally pinned it down to HIM and his pits!!!
p.s.p.s. My prayers are with your wife during this experiment.
p.s.p.s.p.s.p.s. Your son sounds adorable.
I would have woken up screaming as soon as Pauly Shore's voice came out of the deodorant. I'm not scared of talking deodorant. I'd want mine to have the voice of James Earl Jones.
I just voted on the little "Ice Ice Baby" poll and thought for sure there'd be tons of people who were brave enough to say they knew it all. I do, by the way, know the whole song. I'm either a rare talent or lamer than I thought.
I am amazed that this experiment is slated to last a week!
And it's amazing what kids will put up with in order to watch a favorite movie :)
I had to read this SUPER fast. Why? Cuz it stinks in here for some reason.
All right, Cheeseboy. I leave for a week and come back and you've stopped wearing deodorant. What is up with that? Dude, if I lived near you, I would bring a big friend over to your house. I would have said big friend, hold you down while I applied the deodorant myself. The ozone layer be damned. Deodorant is NOT a marketing ploy. Go to Europe and you will understand my statement.
Having said that, the beloved Nie Nie once said she uses rubbing alcohol on her pits. (we bloggers are so full of formal discretion, aren't we?) She said the alcohol does the trick. I figured I'd try it because I think Nie is the most darling creature on the planet and if she says something's good, I am down with it.
Unfortunately, Florida weather laughs in the face of rubbing alcohol. But, try it, it might work for you.
Also, if you've ever wanted to drive your car at top speeds, now's the time to do it. You'd most certainly get off with a warning, since most cops wouldn't want to hang around the aroma long enough to write a ticket.
Wow, maybe you can get a job testing deodorants??
Love the tupperware graph, we prefer the square containers, they stack more efficiently in the drawers per hubby.
That's all I gotta say is, I'm glad I got this freakin' cold right now....I can't smell or taste a thing. Not that I want to TASTE your armpits, per say....and I certainly don't want to smell those puppies, even across the magic of wires, space and computer monitors.
Ah, Blog O', I would be happy to let you know of your stank!
Pearl
p.s. Had to show my husband your tupperware graph. Our is in an overhead cupboard that falls on our heads every three months.
if I admit that I laughed out loud when I saw what you'd won over at Pulsipher Predilections would you be angry with me? if so, I did no such thing.
you mentioned dog breath but I don't remember if you have a dog. If you do, you could rely on the dog's keen sense of smell. If the dog starts licking your armpits then you smell like the other things that dogs lick.
So I'm pretty sure your lids are at my house. I don't know how they got there, but we have many more lids than bowls, and that is as good an explanation as I can think of.
*giggles at no-D.O. experiment* I will tell you when I can smell you from here...
Stink. Stank. Stunk.
You are in a funk.
Get out of the house. Get out of the city.
It's not supposed to be so shitty.
Stink. Stank. Stunk.
I smell you from here. And I'm in Austin.
what the weird
i think it's a sign...
I think I have to agree with "Jason, as himself" on this one.
Gross!
So, I take it, you didn't apply the deodorant at 3:00 in the morning! Your poor family!
I don't think sour milk would be the B.O. off of you.
You probably smell like old cheese? ;-)
I go offline for a few days and this is what I miss? No more disconnecting over the weekends!
Well, I just don't know what to say.
I've "seen" you around and was told I needed to drop by.
All I can say about that is "hmmmm what a week to drop in on Cheeseboy"
A week of stankiness.
Awesome.
Never thought I would be able to enjoy "smellovision" so much.
Good luck on the experiment!
I hurt for your wife.
Abe-stank paradigm?!!!! ROFLMAO!!!!
That is one of the weirdest dreams I have ever heard of. I hardly have any sense of smell so I depend on others telling me I stink... Wonder if they do or not?
Has your wife covered the couch with protective sheeting? Funk has a way of clinging to furniture. Is there a "scratch and sniff" widget?
Someone is stealing my tupperware lids too. It must be the underpants gnomes.
Maybe your dog (if you have one) drank some milk and threw it up somewhere.
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