Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I watched Mama Mia! and yes, I know you have some questions.

I had the opportunity to see "Mama Mia!" last night here in Leeds. Yes, you heard me right, I watched Mama Mia!. I know you all have a ton of questions, and I have a good idea of what they are going to be. I will attempt to answer them all in this post.


- Yes, I do feel as though my manhood is in tact.

- No, Cathi was not cuddled near me as is commonplace while watching a chick flick with your spouse. In fact, I was sitting alone on a couch while she was seated across the room in a Lazy Boy. She should have been with her Lazy Boy.

- Yes, that is a bit embarrassing.

- No, I did not know most of the songs.
- Yes, I did sing "Dancing Queen" out loud.

- No, it was not at the top of my lungs.

- Yes, it was a little like watching "High School Musical" made for adult women.

- No, I am not an adult woman.

- Yes, I do generally like musicals - Sweeney Todd being my favorite.

- No, I am not a sissy - most of the time.

- Yes, the plot did remind me a little of that 80's sitcom "My Three Dads".

- No, I did not watch that sitcom very often.

- Yes, I did watch "Perfect Strangers" way too often.

- Yes, I would like to see a musical based on the plot of "Perfect Strangers"; perhaps with the music of Neil Diamond. Now that I would see!

- Yes, I do listen to Neil Diamond - the greatest singer/song writer of our or any generation.

- Yes, I did watch Mama Mia! all the way through.

- Yes, I did watch it with two adult women and no other men. Apparently, my Father-In-Law had more important things to do.

- No, I do not find that strange. - Is it?

- Yes, after the movie, I felt like I needed to go chop wood, hunt or do some other "manly" things to make up for two hours of Dancing Queen and giggling. liquid estrogen.

- No, I did not go chop wood.

- Yes, I also sang Take a Chance on me.

- Yes, this time I did sing it at the top of my lungs.

- No, I do not find Peirce Bronson "dreamy".

- Yes, I do believe he may be tone def and if he tried out for American Idol, the producers would hold him aside for Simon to laugh at and mock.

- Yes, I do know he was once Bond. What happened to that guy? He's probably at home right how watching "Mulan Rouge" on his couch while his wife sits across the room in a Lazy Boy.

- Yes, I probably should have just played "Lego Batman" with Lincoln in the other room.

- No, I did not know that "dot, dot, dot" or "..." meant "sex" in the olden times as is referred to in the movie. But now I will never be able to read Lori's blog - which is full of ... - the same way ever again.

I think that about covers all your questions. If you have any further questions, please put them in the comments and I will get to them at my leisure - which will pretty much be within the hour - after all, I am in Leeds and "at my leisure" is pretty much all day long.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My New Year's resolutions for YOU!

I am not much for New Year's resolutions. In fact, I do not believe that I have ever made a single one. I have, however, thought of several resolutions for other people. Thus, as a public service to you - my reading public, I am providing a list of resolutions for you. (Just in case you can't think of one yourself.) *Warning - Many resolutions I make for you may in fact somehow benefit me.

Cathi - To kiss her husband more often, sometimes even on the lips.
Nancy (Mother-in-Law) - To buy more peanut M&M's.
Emma (Mother) - To stop nagging her son about all the swearing, especially since he rarely swears and if he does, he only uses the "less offensive" swear words.
Clark (Father) - To get a commercial aired that Paige Davis is not in.
Isaac (Brother) - To do more blogging on the subject of blogging.
Jacob (Brother) - To turn up the heat in his house to at least 45 degrees.
Gephart ("Getting" specialist) - To take a look at the underbelly of Harmons.
Jordan (Brother) - To play his trombone in a sacrament meeting.
Esther (Sister) - To go to Chipolte more often.
Tammy (Sister-in-Law) - To win more blogging background awards.
Angelina Jolie (Movie star) - To adopt more black children from Haiti.
Brad Pitt (Movie star) - To adopt more black children from Haiti.
Haiti (Country) - To block the borders from Pitt's and Jolie's.
Lori (Sister-in-Law) - To look less like Jennifer Love Hewitt.
McKenzie (Sister-in-Law) To travel to at least 4 Brittney Spears concerts.
Mike (Brother-in-Law) - To invite Cheeseboy to more Jazz games.
Mike M. (Brother-in-Law) - To stop his disgusting obsession with Kathy Lee Gifford.
Steve (Friend) - To talk more like Snoop Doggy Dog and hang with Abe more often.
Kerrianne (Friend) - To get her kids back in my class.
Eric (Friend) - To run a marathon.
Hadley (Friend) - To buy Utah football season tickets.
Tim (Friend & Cousin) - To be arrested impersonating Jesus on the Vegas strip.
Brandi (Tim's wife) - To spend more time in beautiful Leeds.
The Bishop (The Bishop) - To be released.
Brent (Friend) - To not be called as the new Bishop.
Melanie (Brent's wife) - To not have Calder bother you during Sacrament meeting anymore.
Tyler (Neighbor and friend) - To buy more "treats" for Calder. Also, to hit more neighborhood cats with his BB gun.
Tyler (Friend who ditched us to move to West Valley) - To learn to break dance.
Lyndsay (Tyler's wife) - Buy less bread, chicken and soup.
Cara Dee (Consistent humorous blogging commenter) - To send out her Christmas cards.
Spencer (Friend) - To move back into the cool neighborhood.
Traci (Spencer's wife) - To start a "wives that waited" club for former missionary girlfriends that ended up marrying their missionary and a support group for girls that may be waiting.
Aunt Margret (Aunt) - To have a Grandson named "Trip".
Jana (Sister-In-Law) - To have more strange dreams involving being chased around church by a midget and then blogging about them.

For any other reader - To start commenting more on Cheeseboy's blog!

And there you have it. If you are not listed, please let me know and I will be happy to think of a resolution for you. If you do not like your resolution, leave me a comment and I will think of a new one for you.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Top ten things about spending a few days in Leeds, Utah. Well, top 5.

Top ten things about spending a few days in Leeds, Utah.

10. I can fart as often as I would like while jogging without worry that someone may hear or smell me.

9. The aliens only do probes on Sunday nights.

8. The new Maverick is a short 5 mile drive and they offer Coke slurpies for the little lady.

7. Brendan Frasier's acting in "Journey to the Center of the Earth" is slightly less bothersome while watching it on vacation with your boys.

6. Actually being able to jog without worry of ice, puddles or slush.

5. Celebrity site seeing. (Haven't seen one yet, but I am hopeful.)

I apologize, my brain has come to a standstill and I just can't think of any more reasons. It may be because there aren't any more reasons and it may be because I have not yet discovered them yet. I do leave you with a question though - How in the world does Brendan Frasier keep that goofy part down the middle of his hair after battling underground dinosaurs and falling a million feet? He is an acting genius!

Song of the Year: Coldplay - Glass of Water

I have been listening to a lot of new music this year and there were a ton of great, great songs. However, not a single one was as good as this one off of the new Coldplay EP, Prospekt's March, "Glass of Water". (Runners up were Shout Out Louds - Impossible and Cloud Cult - The Story of the Grandson of Jesus.)

Sunday, December 28, 2008

A distress signal - please send a search party with a bunch of sniffing dogs and guys with walkie talkies.

I feel as though I owe it to my reading public to inform you of my current circumstances. I am tucked away, removed from any sort of human contact, except that of my superhot wife and a few others. Thus, I am afraid that my blogging ability may be severely hampered by a lack of Internet signal. I hope you understand. Therefore, if I am unable to post in the next couple of days, be aware that it is not due to any sort of writers block, but because I am in a tiny, uninhabited town known as "Leeds". Fear not, my family is here with me, as is my Mother-In-Law. The only other living things I have seen near our borders are a couple of wild horses. I remain, huddled together in a bunker, hoping that someone soon stumbles upon us.

If you are reading this message, please send out a search party to the following coordinates:

45 degrees longitude
187 degrees latitude

I am completely guessing on these coordinates as I have no real understanding in latitude and longitude. In fact, I received a C+ in Geography in Junior High, but I believe I received a B on my latitude and longitude test. Actually, a better way to locate us would be to find a detailed Utah map and find the town that says "Leeds". If it is not on the map, you might just want to Google it.

Let me keep you abreast of our dire circumstances:

We have enough food to keep us fed for several weeks, however, I am concerned as the Peanut M&M's are in short supply.

Our water supply consists of "tap" and I feel drinking it is a risky proposition. Even the bottled waters in the fridge have been refilled with "tap". When arriving, please bring a heavy supply of Evian bottled water.

My Mother-In-Law is in high spirits, but we worry about her constantly as she is the one that prepares the food. We lose her and we're doomed.

Our entertainment options are extremely limited. We have television, but we only receive CBS and ABC. Please hurry, as we are concerned that we may miss tomorrow's episode of "Chuck"!
Our sleeping quarters are cramped as Cathi and I are required to sleep in separate bunks!

The nearest city is "St. George", approximately 10 miles away. We feel it dangerous traveling the highways on foot. Although we have two minivans on hand, we are conserving gas as it is $1.30 a gallon at the local Cosco. We are working on a method of converting the corn here into a gasoline product. We are hopeful, but please, do hurry.

We have 3 days worth of clothing, but I believe I only packed two pairs of socks. Please bring me another pair of socks. Oh, and my furry slippers would be nice too. Please find us soon as I would hate to burden my aching feet even more.

Again, hurry! We are in dire straights - not the band, just the situation. However, if we were in the band "Dire Straights", people would still wonder where we have gone. I mean, after such hits as, "Money For Nothing" and "Sultans of Swing", they have completely fallen off the face of the earth. Great, now I have that Money For Nothing song stuck in my head. "Microwave oven, custom kitchen, delivered... We got your TV, refrigerator"... oh, for the love of - please hurry!

Friday, December 26, 2008

We wish you a Merry Easter... er...Christmas!

For those that are new to the Cheese blog or those of you that may have missed my video of the First Grade Christmas program last year, please check this out:  (I am the one singing with the wig and the 90's denim jacket)

So, the question this year became: What is Cheeseboy going to do to top last year's Christmas program?  I thought about this question all summer long and finally, after much prayer and contemplation, I came up with an idea.  I would come out dressed as an angry Easter bunny and pretend to be mad that there is not an Easter program and that no one ever sings songs about me.  Ingenious!  And so, I present the 2008 Christmas program... (BTW, my Easter Bunny suit in no way fit my body.  Also, my thanks to Eric and Kerianne for videotaping this for me.)

Thursday, December 25, 2008

My dad's Christmas story - printed in the Deseret News today!

My dad, Clark, won the "Christmas I Remember Best" story contest that the Deseret News holds every year.  Interestingly enough, his dad, my Grandfather, won the same contest with a different story about 20 years ago.  You may see my dad's story at: 
This Christmas story takes place many years ago. It takes place at a time the world was healing from the Second World War. It was supposed to be "the war to end all wars." The soldiers who had been fortunate enough to return home were finding new sweethearts. Others returned to waiting wives and families. Still more never made it back but were remembered and missed as their loved ones now approached the Christmas season.
Everywhere new neighborhoods were popping up. Little two-bedroom homes of every color were made available to the thousands who only qualified with special loans for returning veterans.

It was in such a little neighborhood that the snow was falling softly on a little yellow shake-shingle home. All the other homes on the street were dark as the long winter night dragged through its last hours. But the little yellow house had one light burning in the bedroom where two parents normally would be fast asleep. Only tonight, the young mother was awake and alone. Alone, awake and very worried.

The war had been long, and those years had brought with them difficult times. Everyone left behind had sacrificed as gas was rationed along with many of the staple foods like sugar and meat. Some of these even disappeared completely as the struggling nation put an enormous effort to the war. These foods and other pleasures would soon be taken for granted again — but now they were still cherished as they became more available.

The few years since the war had offered time for healing as memories faded on the hurt and death the far-away enemy had inflicted on the nation. Christmas this year would be a time of peace. But now another enemy had taken this young mother's returning soldier away from her yet again. An enemy no one could see. One about which little was known but one that could cripple all that it attacked — knocking the biggest off their feet and even taking the lives of the strong, leaving behind only weakness and pain.
This enemy had been around for centuries but was at its height of destruction in the early '50s — later to be almost eliminated by a serum not yet discovered. If one was fortunate enough to survive this enemy, you might find yourself living out your days on crutches or in a wheelchair. The name they gave this enemy was polio, and this foe had put the father of this little family in the hospital. Tonight, he lay inside the metal cocoon of a noisy iron lung while it sucked in and out each life-saving breath.

Yet if you were watching through the window in the early darkness on this winter morning, you would see from the light of the small lamp next to the bed the young mother of two on her knees in the act of prayer. It was a cry to God for help. What was she to do? Would he ever be OK? Would he ever be able to move his arms again? Would he ever be able to walk? Would he even live through the week, and would he ever return to his new job?

It was not a job for one on crutches or a wheelchair. Being a policeman was hard work with many hours spent on your feet. You had to have the strength to wrestle the meanest drunk or pull someone from a car crash. Would he ever have enough strength return so that he could feed himself, walk or be a father to his young children?
The question of how they could exist weighed on her mind. How could they pay for food, the heat, the lights or give the two children asleep in the next room something for Christmas? Being so young, they would believe that Santa had forgotten all about them. It would break their hearts. The new little yellow house had a payment due each month of $110. That seemed like a fortune when her husband made less than $3 an hour at his job — and even if he did recover, the job might not be there.

The house had been decorated for Christmas with hand-me-down tinsel and lights. The young mother had asked for the used paper sacrament cups from the church. She covered them with tin foil and hung them like little silver bells on the scrawny Christmas tree.

Even the tree had been a gift from a neighbor who knew how little they had and what they were going through. This kind neighbor had hoped this holiday symbol would bring to memory some Christmas cheer from better years gone by. He hoped the sweet smell of pine might be a welcome breath in an atmosphere of despair. He, too, had remembered bleak Christmas pasts in his own home. He had recalled the Christmas when he had been out of work during a long strike at the copper mine. He hadn't missed the lunches he had sacrificed to buy this little tree, and he would always cherish the look of joy and relief on that young mother's face when it was delivered.

There were others who had empathy for the mother in the little yellow house. One was the tall, burly owner of the local grocery store with the wavy hair and the deep, booming bass voice. He had known the family for the short time they had lived in the new little yellow house. They were much like his little family, young — excited about life and the community in which they now lived.
The store owner had grown to like the big policeman who often came shopping with his wife. Maybe this was why he had done something he had never done before when the mother had shown up with a child's wagon loaded with empty pop bottles she had collected from neighbors and friends to buy a few groceries. He had suggested to her that the store needed someone to bake fresh cakes that he could sell in his little O.P. Skaggs grocery store to other customers. So several times a week she would appear with more empty bottles, buy flour, sugar, cocoa and other groceries to take home. Then the following day bring in rich chocolate cakes just warm from the oven. It was his little secret that when other customers showed up shopping to redeem their empty glass bottles, he would load them up again for a late night drop on the porch of the little yellow house. And the cycle would continue.

And this night the little yellow house was slowly being covered in the soft, fluffy snow that had fallen through the wee hours. Soon daylight would come up like the curtain of a stage, revealing a winter wonderland scene much like those depicted on the few Christmas cards taped to the refrigerator. Every branch of every tree was covered in white as the dawn revealed the tiny neighborhood in a world of light and shadow.
Which would it be for the mother of the little yellow house? The light of hope that all would be OK or the shadow that nothing would ever be the same again? Today was Christmas Eve, and the little Christmas pine had nothing under it but a few foil covered bells that had fallen from their hooks.

Like every good Christmas story, there should be a happy ending. But why were there two police cruisers pulling up to the driveway of the little yellow house so early this morning?

The neighbor across the street had been up early getting ready for the carpool that would take him to the copper mine. Through the window he had seen the two police cars come with lights flashing but no sirens only to stop across the street. Surely news at this time of the morning could not be good news.

The young mother's heart was racing as she walked to the front door to answer the persistent knock of the four policemen standing outside. They had just come from visiting their co-worker at the hospital and wanted to be the first to bring the news. Things were looking good. The doctors had not been there, but they had observed their partner and friend was now out of the big iron lung machine and breathing on his own. Oh, he still had little use of one arm and leg, but with time they assured her that even that movement might return.
And there was one thing more. A big box in the trunk of one of the cars was removed and carried through the front door finding its final rest under the Christmas tree. "It was just a little something for the children from the other officers," they had explained. Everyone had chipped in a few dollars for a few toys, but now a second box was brought through the door filled and overflowing with cans of food. When asked they had said, "It was no big deal. Just a little gift from the boys." Nothing was mentioned about the real sacrifices that were made those weeks before to be able to fill these two boxes.

This Christmas story was not over. It would still be many months before all was back to normal for the family of the little yellow house. There would be months filled with physical therapy and painful healing. But the thoughtfulness of all that was done for that little family will be remembered a lifetime. I was one of the children in the next room fast asleep as my mother sent up a prayer to God so many years ago. A prayer that the healer of the sick, the one who could make the lame to walk and the blind to see would also look down and remember another father going through some earthly trials. It was even this Only Begotten who had said, "Even if you have done it unto the least of these, ye have done it unto me."

Even though it was so many years ago, it is the Christmas I remember as the best.

About the author

Clark Yospe of Centerville was born in Tooele and reared in the Glendale area. He attended South High and graduated from the University of Utah in journalism/communications. He has been married to his wife, Emma, for 35 years. They have six children and six grandchildren. Yospe enjoys U. sporting events, fly fishing, golf and travel.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Top 10 Blog O' Cheese posts of 08!

In traditional fashion, as is fashionable this time of year, I present another year end countdown.  Given that I enjoy giving myself awards, this countdown is the first annual top ten posts of the year - as chosen by me.  So, may I present (drumroll please) the top 10 of 08 as voted by myself:

10. Marathon? COMPLETE! [September 1] Not the funniest of posts, but perhaps my most proud moment of the year.  Plus, I enjoyed all the pats on the back I got from people.

9. If I could leave sticky notes around any LDS chapel - [September 8] - I came home from church one Sunday very irritated and this post was the result of that irritation.

8. What was really running through my mind when I first kissed Cathi [July 20] - I really went for the "ahh" factor here and really pulled it off.  I also pulled off my portrayal of myself as a bumbling oaf.

7. My new Indian name is "Poop-in-hand" [October 11] - A short but funny post about the day that Calder pooped into my hand.

6. Pants shopping with a woman [July 28] - Funny for every man because it is oh, so true.

5. Cease to Exist Order - Christmas Edition [December 23] - I took on that horrible "Christmas Shoes" song and won!

4. I am a frail, frail man. [March 27]  A detailed look at my ongoing battle with being a hypochondriac was one of my first and proved to be one of my best posts of the year.

3. Training for a marathon [April 22]  I begin my training by telling the story of the time I pooped my pants while jogging around the park.

2. Mormon Youth Treks are LAME! [April 6] A controversial look at what most people think, but are too afraid to say.  This post brought on wrath from a bunch of angry "Trekies" that I have never met.  It was sure fun to write though.

1. Which drugs were ingested during the latest episode of Yo Gabba Gabba? [October 8] This post was entertaining enough, but when actual cast members started defending the show on this very blog, it put it's entertainment value over the top.

Now it is your turn to vote.  Please vote in the poll for best Cheeseboy post of 08.  

God bless you and may God bless us all, Tiny Tim.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Cease to Exist Order: Christmas Edition

I hereby issue a cease and desist order for the following Christmas things:

1. The Little Drummer Boy as sung by Michael Bolton - Now I am not sure that it is really Michael Bolton singing, but it sure as hell sounds like Michael Bolton when it hits the Cozy 106.5 every 35 minutes or so.  Thanks for ruining a perfectly good song Michael... again.  

By the way, while I am on the topic of Michael Bolton: Samir: Why don't you just go by Mike, instead of Michael? Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change it? He's the one who sucks.

2. The "Christmas Shoes" song -  Thankfully, I have not heard this song very much this year.  Last year it was like Christmas Shoes were falling from the FM 100 sky.  If there is a more cheesy, ridiculously lame Christmas tune, I'd like to hear it... or rather, please, for the love of all things holy, don't let me hear it!.  I HATE THIS SONG!  Every time it comes on the radio I instantly change the station.  The only other song that has this effect on me is any and every song Toby Keith sings.  

**What frustrates me is that this boy's mother is dying and he thinks that the only thing that will make her happy is a pair of shoes?  Who is this mother, Paris Hilton?  Kid, get on your bike and get your butt home!  You're mom is dying!  Further, do you think when she meets Jesus he is really going to care about what shoes she is wearing?  If that is the case, I want to be wearing my Heelies when I go - that is if heaven has smooth, hard floors.  With my luck, heaven would be carpeted.

3. Guilt trips by people ringing bells - Sure they act friendly and they have that dopey smile on their face, but secretly they are thinking that I am a cheap, trumpery, two-bit loser that can't afford to throw a dime in their rotunda of broken dreams.  Listen bell people, if I had a dime for every time some Joey with a bell asked me to throw him a dime, I would have a lot of dimes.  And IF this was the case and I actually did receive a dime from a "magical dime fairy" for every time I saw a bell ringer asking for dimes, I would be more than happy to give the bell ringers the extra dimes.  I mean, who wants a pocketful of dimes while you are trying to shop?  I guess if I was wearing my cargo pants and wanted to buy a calzone later it would be okay.

4. Blow up lawn ornaments - These have faded a bit in recent years, but could there be a more lazy way of decorating your front lawn?  "Honey, unroll and plug in the lawn ornaments - I'll be sitting here on my yuletide a__."  Nothing says joy and merryment of the holiday season like an 8 foot, blow up Homer Simpson adorning your flowerbeds.  Now, if the blow up lawn ornaments had a "jumphouse" for frolickers like I to jump in at will, I would take this item off my Cease to Exist order.  Maybe a plastic slide that comes out of the front of it?

5. Songs that aren't really Christmas songs trying to pass as Christmas songs on the radio. A.K.A. "My Favorite Things".  As you can see, I am very annoyed with Cozy and FM 100 right now.  They are on warning - they could both be on my next Cease to Exist order.  And if Cozy 106.5 is so "cozy" then why is it that I am always listening to it while fighting crowds, parking lots and traffic and I am never listening to it while drinking a hot cup of cocoa while sitting next to the fireplace?  Cozy, my a*@.

6. Advent calendars with doors that swing outward.  Not sure why this annoys me so much - it just seems to me that the doors should swing inward, like you are entering into God's love.  Just seems so much more "Christmasy" to me.  I mean, we need to keep the reason for the season in mind.

7. Different takes on the "12 days of Christmas" song -  I can't stand that "Hanging up the Lights" version!  Every time I hear the regular version now, I think, "Hanging up the lights".  Well, some of us LIKE hanging up the lights, jerkwads!  (Not me, of course I hate hanging up the lights... I am just saying somebody has to like that crap.)

8. The Adam Sandler Hanukkah song - FM 100 - I realize this is the only Hanukkah song you have in your library and you are just throwing it in there because it makes your office types laugh, but would it kill you to play a little "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel"?  I mean, after all, they made it out of clay.  It would be more than just a token courtesy for us few Jewish folk that live in the valley.

9. People that want my phone number when I buy stuff - Now this is not necessarily just a Christmas thing, but it annoys me nonetheless.  I am buying a pair of slippers and a bag of rice, are you going to call me to see how things went?  What if I give them a fake number?  Are they still going to let me buy their crap?

I will say that this would be a perfect pickup line if I were single though: "Can I get your phone number?"  "Sure, but can I get yours first?"  

I leave you with the poetic and beautiful lyrics to "Christmas Shoes".

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight.

Monday, December 22, 2008

An afternoon at the Deseret Book Starbucks

We walked through a Deseret Book the other day during the chaos of the shopping season and I noticed quite the oddity- a bakery.  Deseret Book now has a bakery??  It's about time someone put all those Mormon recipes to use.  What was most strange about the bakery was that it looked very familiar - hmm, almost like a Barnes & Noble coffee shop.  Of course, coffee was not being served; rather a frothy cup of hot coco and a pound cake.

(By the way, I received a lovely thank you card from Barnes & Noble for my recitation at their store and for saving Christmas for them.)

The fake coffee shop of course caught my attention and I became curious as to what is Mormon over-the-counter "medication" is being distributed on a daily basis.  Surprisingly, the Deseret Book Bakery does not carry the following food items:

BYU Creamery ice cream
Funeral potatoes with a hearty Wheatie crust
Temple cafeteria rice pudding
Food storage jelly on toast

I did think it a bit odd that they carried rum cake.

We were actually braving the festive bookstore crowds to purchase a few undergarments at the neighboring store.  I found it very odd that when I purchased my underroo's they asked to see my recommend.  When I payed with a credit card they then asked to see my ID.  Now maybe I am a little naive, but shouldn't the recommend be a more authentic and authoritative form of ID than my driver's license at a church owned store?

One other thing of note: I find it interesting that in 30 years, the "scripture case" has not changed one iota.  They still have the same selection, same engraving option. - You would think they would have changed a little bit.  Maybe a nice tiger print or a trendy camouflage pattern? Maybe a scripture case with a little pocket on the side to hold your miniature scriptures?  Or, perhaps a case with a cheerio pocket and a pouch for wet wipes?  I'm just brainstorming here.

 I would like to create cute, little scripture case for those that carry their scriptures on their PDA's.  That way they would have something to carry their PDA's in to church on Sundays.  Maybe a little loop for a handle?  It's actually very practical.  

Sunday, December 21, 2008

For a brief second I felt badly for cougar fans. (Don't worry, I am over it.)

I did something I never thought I would do last night - I cheered for BYU... just a little.  I am not sure why or how this happened.  My brain has never been so upside down and whippidy whoppidy.

This was the first time in my entire life that I have ever had any sort of sympathy for the boys down south.  I have always believed that watching BYU lose is almost as satisfying as watching Utah win.  Nevertheless, I kinda, just kinda, wanted the cougs to pull this one out.  I think my mindset changed after the Utes humiliated them and put them in their rightful place.  

It's a little bit like dumping the prom queen for a supermodel.  You wish the prom queen well, but in the mean time you are headed to the Sugar Bowl with Kate Moss for the second time in four years!

When it was all said and done, I have to admit, it was slightly satisfying seeing those pansies walk off the field once again with their heads down.  I got a strong feeling in my heart that things were again right with the world - Utah on top and in a BCS bowl game and the cougars at home with their weekend ruined.  Somewhere John Beck is shedding a tear... again.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

David Hasselhoff + BYU fans= true love forever

I just found out that Mr. David Hasselhoff will be singing the national anthem at tonight's Las Vegas Bowl and I am sure BYU fans are ecstatic.  I wonder if they asked him to speak at their fireside last night as well?  I'm sure he could give a great talk on the still small voice - of a talking car.

Think of Hasselhoff's career highlights:  He rode into the night as the Knightrider, saved thousands of lives as the oldest living life guard on earth, is a much beloved singer for Germans and single handedly brought the Berlin wall down, and has found more American talent than Simon Cowell wishes he could find. 

And now finally, as a capstone to a remarkable career, he will enlighten and entertain 30,000 Mormons while saluting America at the same time.  Steve Young, Wiford Brimley, David Archuletta and the Osmonds - be weary, the Mormon people have a new revered and cherished idol and his names rhymes with "shaved masselmoff".  

After he sings the national anthem, I fully expect Mr. Hasselhoff to intercept a couple Max Hall passes - he is just that good!

Friday, December 19, 2008

The story of my work wives.

Well, it turns out that I might just be a polygamist - or more appropriately, an unwilling polygamist.  I have acquired a couple work wives that I just can't shake myself of.  There are a couple women at my school that regularly, yet accidentally, call me their husband's names.  "Hey Wayne, did you get those copies run off?" And so it goes...

The first couple times this occurred, I laughed it off and told them, "I know I am handsome, but I am no Wayne", or "Did you just call me Terry?  I wish I was Terry!"  It wasn't until the 4th or 5th time that they referred to using their husband's name that I realized - I had officially become their work husband.

I am flattered that these women trust me enough to mistake me for their spouse. However, they are both in their late 50's and I am beginning to wonder if it is their age playing games with their mind or if I really do remind them of their beloved spouse.  

Given that I am really the only adult male these women interact with at school on a daily basis, I can see how I could be mistaken for their husbands.  Nevertheless, things got really awkward the other day when I bought a soda and one of the ladies told me that I needed to be careful about my blood pressure.  She also once reminded me to put on my coat before going out in the cold; said I would catch a cold.

I do not think that Cathi will be jealous or one bit nervous when she reads about my work wives, nor should she be.  One day, however, one of these work wives will fix my tie or ask me to pick up my things and she will realize that someone else is vying for her job.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Pooping bandit update - part III

Here is the latest on the pooping bandit situation:

During our Christmas party today I received some fascinating news from one of my room moms.  On the day that the pooping bandit struck, she was checking her son out early during our lunch hour.  While they were getting his backpack in the First Grade area, a stocky older boy came out of the First Grade bathrooms.  The mother said when he saw her, he was shocked and ran quickly away.  Clearly we have our pooping bandit.

Upon hearing this news, I informed the boys that the DNA tests have come in and the cops have informed us that the poop belongs to a boy between the ages of 10-12, and is not that of a First Grader.  They seemed to be relieved, but I informed them that the investigation will continue, but the focus will now be on the older boys. I told them that they have 6-8 DNA checking robots working on the case, but the robots need to be reprogrammed to deal with poop from an older age group.  Plus, some of the robots need updates so that they will have those bendy arms so they are better able to hold the stool samples.  I will keep you updated as to the situation.

By the way, still no word from Gephart.  I understand; he is really busy getting gotten.

The new ride at Disneyland - Great fun for the entire family.

For those of you that may have visited Disneyland recently and missed out on the new ride in California Adventure - you missed out on one heck of a ride.  

The ride is really more of a video game.  However, it is as an addicting a video game as you will find.  

I know what you are thinking: "Yes, but I don't want to wait in a long line."  Well, the ride was so great, we waited in the line not once, not twice, but six times!  (Our line was about 30 minutes.)

Half an hour wait - definitely worth it.  45 minutes - probably.  An hour is pushing it.

Anyway, the way the ride works is that while you are in line you get some killer 3D glasses that Calder referred to as "sunglasses". Check out these lookers:

Upon entry into the ride, you are placed facing two other passengers with a gun in front of you.  The gun has a cord that you pull on it's backside to shoot various objects.  The ride then takes you through a series of 3d screens.  Each screen had a different "fairground game" for you to compete in.   For example, in one screen you shoot darts, one screen you launch a ringtoss and one screen you break plates by throwing baseballs.  

Now, this may not sound all that fun yet, BUT there is more.  There are certain targets on the screen that give you more points and launch other interactions.  For example, on some screens if you hit a moving target, a gush of air squirts right in your face.  On another screen, if you hit a certain balloon, water sprinkles in your face.  It is the best kind of fun!

Finally, on the dashboard of your cart there is a computer screen that not only keeps track of your points but your accuracy percentage.  At the end of the game there is a screen that shows the high scores of the day and the month.  We noticed that the high score of the month was around 415,000.  For much of the trip, I held our families high score at 152,000, but on our LAST RIDE, Cathi beat my record by about 3,000 points.  I was introduced to frustration once again.

If this just sounds like kiddy fun and games, get this:  This became one of the top three favorite rides of Cathi, myself and both of my parents.  If the line wasn't so long, we would have probably ridden that thing over 50 times.  (They did have a separate line for single riders that averaged about ten deep that we would have taken advantage of if it were not for the little ones.)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Is our bear nativity set a tacky, yet adorable symbol of holiday love or is it slightly sacrilegious?

Currently, my favorite Christmas decoration that we have in our home is a nativity set made entirely of bears.

Anyway, this nativity is tacky, gaudy and a bit idiotic.  Nevertheless, there is something quaint and charming about the thing.  Despite it's imperfections and obvious potential to offend,  it is the centerpiece of our festive abode.  We can't bear to part ways with it.

I present to you the Cheeseboy family nativity:

After hours of staring at this thing, I have started to wonder if it is something more than just quaint and tacky; I am wondering if it is just a tad bit blasphemous.  Allow me to explain...

I do not think that God intended baby Jesus to ever be portrayed as a bear.  If he wanted him to be a bear, he would have made him a bear.  The same goes for Mary and Joseph - probably meant to be humans.  

If Mary had been a bear, she probably would not have been carried by a mule as mules are generally scared of wild bears.  Even if she did ride a mule, I doubt it would have been able to carry the full weight of a Grizzly Bear.   Mary Bear probably would have just walked. 

Grizzly Bears are not native to the Middle East.  The idea of it is just silly.

Finally, it is a well known fact that bears are a threat to society, mankind and the entirely universe. They are commonly referred to as Godless Killing Machines.

So, my faithful Cheeseboy readers, should we rid ourselves of this sinful monstrosity, perhaps burning it and burying the ashes in the backyard by the dead fish?  Or, should we laugh it off and keep it as a cutesy, albeit - corny reminder to keep things fun at the holidays? Please provide your advice in the comments.  Bear in mind that your comments will be read by the Cheeseboy empire.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Time to GET GEPHART! (My email to the man in regards to a recent problem I have had with Harmons))

An actual email I sent to Get Gephart ( tonight at 10:45 PM

Dear Mr. Gephart,

I have watched your segments for years on - 2 News, "Fresh Air" - and I have never had need to "get" you.  However, as times change, so do my needs and I am officially "getting Gephart".

For many years our family has become accustomed to purchasing candy from the bulk bins at the local Harmons Grocery Store.  In the past year or two, Harmons has rid their stores of such bins and we are relegated to purchasing regularly packaged candy.  When I questioned a Harmon's employee about the situation, he stated that he was "not sure why they don't have them anymore" and that "I have only worked here four months."  Yeah right! 

I would like to know the reason why the bins were eradicated.  I have a few theories that you might be interested in:

  • They were using the bins to traffic drugs in and out of the store.
  • The bins were littered with rodent dung.
  • The plastic the bins were made of had cancer causing agents (chemicals, compounds, etc.) in them.
  • The sour peach rings were being sliced by underpaid, orphan children from China.
  • Someone found a toe in the milkduds.
I am not saying that any or all of these violations actually took place.  However, given "Tony's" vague response to my inquiries, I feel that this is very much deserving of a Gephart investigation,

I am not trying to tell you how to do your job, but may I suggest throwing a few cameras in Tony's face and pressing him real hard about how long he has really been working there.  He knows something; I can just feel it. (Tony is the guy with bad acne and the spiky hair.)

Please Mr. Gephart, please help us get our bins back.  We miss our candy watermelon slices and those fake sweet tart things.  

Thank you for all you do to protect us Utahns from the greedy, corporate giants and online scammers.  I, for one, am deeply grateful.



When I get a response, I will post it to the blog.  I am sure that I am not the only one disappointed in Harmons for their shabby service as of late.

Song of the Day: The Postal Service - Nothing Better

My favorite song by one of my all time favorite bands.  Just the mood I am in today, I guess.  There were lots of different videos made by youtube users, but this was probably the least annoying.

While I was looking for a video, I found this pretty good version of Nothing Better done by a choir -  I thought it was pretty good; thought I'd share it with other PS fans...

My left ear.

My students were so loud today, my left ear started making a crackling sound.

My left ear makes a crackling sound when I hear loud noises.

My left ear makes a crackling sound because I think I ruptured my eardrum as a teenager.

I ruptured my eardrum because I thought it would be funny to put a couple of drumsticks in my ear canal and run around.

I fell down the stairs with two drumsticks in my ear canals.  

A trickle of blood from your own ear canal is something no person should ever witness.

A couple years ago I told my doctor about the crackling sound in my ear, she said, "Oh, that stinks. I am sorry to hear that."  No advice, no further tests.

Moral: Never put drumsticks in your ear canals while running down stairs.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Crap, I mean gift ideas to give your neighbors at Christmas time.

Christmas brings so many joys of yuletide fancies and hollyberry goodness.  One obligatory tradition that we Utahns tend to customize is the exchanging of worthless crap, or "gifts" to our neighbors. Not only are we obliged to pass out crud to our neighbors, we feel the need to label that crud with cutesy limericks and sayings.  From "Reindeer Poop" to Chex Party Mix, we've received it all at our doorstep, and I welcome it with open arms - it's got to last until at least February.

Now, before you start shredding me for my anti-Christmas attitude, let me tell you, I am in no way against giving crap to your neighbors. In fact, Mrs. Cheeseboy and I have been trying to think of a catchy saying to tag on the twenty two-liter bottles of soda that we are planning on caravanning through the old neighborhood.

  Unfortunately, our "original" idea has already been taken by Tyler and Daphne (Thanks Tyler!) and we are going to look like hackneyed nincompoops to our neighbors if we go through with our soda idea.  At any rate, Tyler and Co. gave out rootbeer and on the tag was written, "We are 'rootin' for you to have a Merry Christmas."  Son-of-a-Nutcracker!  First they take our gift idea and then our saying.

Thus, we have been relegated to look for a new gift idea and a new saying.  So far I have come up with the following ideas:

1. A pack of Schik razors... "Hope you happen to 'stubble' upon a Merry Christmas."
2. A bottle of Syrup... "Not to be 'sappy', but have a happy holidays.
3. A bag of frozen peas on a globe, surrounded by a Goodwill tire... "Peas on earth, Goodwill to men."   - - Ha ha, great one!
4. A pair of soft insoles, a Michael Jackson glove and a phaser... "Enjoy your stroll as you go 'Walkin' in a winter Neverland, and here's some protection for the kiddies."
5. A box of Kentucky Fried Chicken... "The 'secret ingredient' to an 'extra crisp'  Christmas is this bucket of chicken.... plus something else we added that we are not going to tell you what it is.  Eat up!"
6. Two of your children's teeth... "Thought this might be all you want for Christmas."
7. A breast pump filled with eggnog... "We had 8 of these, you know.  Our maids are no longer in the childbearing years."
8. A pair of corrective eyeglasses... "When what to your wondering eyes should appear - We think it's time you had that problem fixed."
9. A homemade portrait of Frank Sinatra made entirely of pennies... "Enjoy your 'Frank-in-Cents'."  
10. The new David Archuletta CD... "Since we're all just giving each other worthless crap anyway..."

And of course, I always thought it would be funny to give away REAL reindeer poop.  Imagine the faces when they bit into what they thought was going to be a whopper!  When they get upset, I will simply say, "It says reindeer poop right on the package."

Sunday, December 14, 2008

How I saved Christmas for the PTA.

This year, Christmas was in jeopardy and it's festivity was hanging by a string.  Fear not, I saved it.  I saved Christmas!

I was asked on Friday by our school PTA to read a story at the local Barnes & Noble.  Apparently, whatever was sold in the store for the two hours that the teachers read, our school received 20% of the profits, or something to that effect.

Given the dismal outlook of the economy and my undying love of copious, repugnant, American retail giants, I decided I must do my part as a true American and save Christmas.  Christmas was there for the saving, I only needed to reach out, put my arms around Christmas, pull it close to my heart and save it.  It was a simple choice.  I chose to save.  I was a saver that day; I was a Christmas protagonist and a Christmas miracle was my goal.

I showed up five minutes late with my two secondhand, shabby books at my side.  In my knapsack of hope I had brought with me two of America's finest selections of literature: Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus and The Pigeon Eats a Hotdog.  T'was to be a wonderful eve of delight and enchantment as I hoped to provide a rendering that the children could fancy. T'was suppose to be.

As I sat in the rocker that had been provided to me, it became clear that my role was not so much a literary reciter as a corporate babysitter.  Parents wrangled up their little ones and gathered them around, expecting me to entertain and delight while they grubbily rummaged through the Twilight series display and sipped on their five dollar lattes.  (Mom, Lattes DO have coffee in them.  I looked it up.)   

My audience of 8-10 children hung on my every word.  I dazzled them with my crazy pigeon voices and held them in the cusp of my palm as the mystical words twisted through the air and into their anxious ears.  I even noticed a couple adults stop and listen in, entranced in the magic that was The Pigeon.  I even threw out a wink and a nod to the passerby's giggling at the clever way I read the written word.  It was though I was hovering over my body, watching myself reading in a such a spectacular manner.  It was, what some would refer to as an "out of body" experience.**  

I was on such a lyrical role, I could sense the Christmas ghosts of William Barnes and G. Clifford Noble resting like phantasm elves on each shoulder.  I could feel their presence when I looked into the eyes of those children.  I bid them adieu and sent them back to the netherworld when G. Clifford's beard started tickling my earlobe.  

While I read that eventide, I could hear the cash registers sing for joy.  They would open their traps, jingle their coinage and sing hosannas into the yuletide, merchandising air.  I could feel my words, and the words of that brave, brave Pigeon, move my audience, or at least the parents of my audience, into purchasing novels and calendars and bookmarks with the yarn on the end so that when you are not reading a book, you can hang your unused bookmark on a storage clasp.

As dusk fell silently and solemnly over the strip-mall that evening,  I knew I had saved Christmas for so many people this year.  This one, simple act not only boosted our school funds for fieldtrips and the like, but it boosted the spirits of our struggling economy.  I knew that somewhere, Henry Paulson, Secretary of the Treasury, was looking down from his office with a smile on his face because he knew that somewhere, somehow, a small town boy with a big heart was doing his part to help the economy recover. That boy, ladies and gentlemen, is me... a man inspired to inspire other's kids to inspire their parents to spend way too much at a bookstore giant that is looking out for the little guy - yeah right.

And that is how I saved Christmas this year.  You can thank me next time you see me.

**An out-of-body experience (OBE or sometimes OOBE), is an experience that typically involves a sensation of floating outside of one's body and, in some cases, perceiving one's physical body from a place outside one's body (autoscopy). The term out of body experience was introduced by Robert Monroe in 1971[1] as a bias-free alternative to belief-centric labels such as "astral projection" or "spirit walking".

Friday, December 12, 2008

Dad gets wet with a newfound friend.

Sometimes in life, you are placed uncomfortably close to very nice people that you have nothing in common with.  Such was the case with good old dad, who shared a seat with a beautiful, large, black woman on the Grizzly Rapid run.  (I am not sure about why or how she showed that much cleavage, but I am sure dad didn't mind.)

My favorite part of the ride was when she would see the majestic rapids coming up and shake her head and quietly say, "oh Lord, oh Lord!" 

It was pretty good comedy sitting there on that raft across from these two people who could not be more different.  By the way, just to be clear, my dad is the big, Jewish looking guy with glasses and the African American woman is the one on his left.  Hope that clears things up for you.

By the way dad, "well, we still have to go over the waterfall"... great line!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

It's a Disneyland Singalong - STARING LINCOLN!

Hello all you avid, rabid readers, just itching to get the latest from the old Blog O' Cheese. I'm back and refreshed for another round of blogging.  We just got in from Disneyland and it's late.  However, to show my appreciation for your diehard support as is clearly evidenced by the 11 of you who voted that you would miss these nonsensical ramblings.   As for the 7 people that stated you can do without for awhile, I am sorry I have not been measuring up to your blogging expectations.  I vow to do better.  Nevertheless, I have stayed up late tonight to give what my public wants.

In this video we have a very excited Lincoln on the second day of our trip.  He and I had just hopped off the Grizzly River Run, when we noticed my Cathi and my parents standing around, listening to a bluegrass band getting down and funky.  Lincoln immediately started dancing and the band took notice.  In fact, they took so much notice that they invited him to come up and sing.  Never the shy boy, he took every opportunity to show his vocal chops.  As a result, the band was overly impressed with him.  Upon completion of the tune, he received a roaring cheer from the audience that had gathered.  So, without further ado, check out the Linkster in perhaps his finest moment:

[By the way, more video to come, including a hilarious one of good old dad, you know, dadding it up.  Wait till you see it.]

Saturday, December 6, 2008

We are off to Disneyland - The Fanny Pack Capital of the World!

**Editors note: For your enjoyment, sprinkled throughout this post you will find pictures of Fanny Pack Professionals, enjoying a day a various Disney Parks.  Your welcome, but thank me when I get home.

As the countdown timer on the right clearly testifies, the time has come to head to that most magical of magic places - no, not Austin Collie's bedroom.  The place of which I speak is Disneyland.  Home to Mickey, Goofy and those two strange, gay Tweedle guys from Alice in Wonderland.

I am very much looking forward to this trip for two reasons: Lincoln is tall enough to go on almost everything and Calder is old enough to finally "get it".  In fact, given Calder's unbelievable level of quirkyness, it will be very fun to see how he reacts to things.

It is difficult to explain this kid, Calder, if you are not around him all the time.  He has a peculiar way of talking and communicating.  He is an unfiltered, bounding show off and knows how to milk a laugh.  However, he is rarely over the top and generally knows his boundaries.  I find myself laughing at him almost nonstop, and the more he talks, the funnier he gets.  

One of Calder's favorite things to do is have you say words he just makes up.  He will do this nonstop for hours if you let him.  "Dad, say woo-goo".  I then say, "Woo-goo".  He then laughs and says, "Dad, say Co-POW".  "Co-POW!".  This game goes on and on and is only really entertaining to Calder.  But again, you really have to be around this kid for a long time, without the distraction of other kids to see just how hilariously quirky he can be.

As we depart for the warm weather and clean air... uh, okay, not really clean air - I made a list of things I am hoping to see at the Land of Enchantment:

1. An aged Tiki Room bird fall off it's perch and into the fountain.

2. A confused Japanese tourist mistakingly throwing a banana into the open jaws of a giant electronic hippo on the Jungle Cruise.

3. My face on the screen after every ride down Splash Mountain.  I make some pretty awesome faces... full of awesomeness.

4. The Bear Country Jamboree - I heard that they brought that back?  Is that true?  Nothing beats a mechanical bear pounding on a tambourine for the millionth time in it's career.  I often wondered as a child if those bears ever got tired of playing the same songs over and over, 365 days a year.

5. Some obese women wearing short shorts and a fanny pack.  I wonder what they keep in those fanny packs?  My guess is a camera, some feminine hygiene needs and two full rolls of rollo's.  And do people wear their fanny packs other places beside Disneyland?  It seems to me that Disneyland is the "Fanny Pack Capital of the World" and when people visit this magic place, they pull their fanny packs out of their closets that have been sitting around for years.  I mean, just check out the pictures I found with just a quick search.

You will not believe what I found!  The fanny pack of all fanny packs!  The fanny pack that you and your family will undoubtedly grow closer with - the ever amazing "Connectable Fanny Pack!"  

Can you imagine the possibilities with this fanny pack?  No more worrying about Dad sneaking off to go to the bathroom, no more fears of losing little Buck.  This is the answer to all our Disney problems.

Sure, there may be some minor tangling if you had too many fanny packs connected, but the end would definitely justify the means.  Plus, you could always just walk everywhere single file, carefully avoiding any potential tangles.  I mean, walking single file as a group throughout the park, with our fanny packs connected, would not at all be embarrassing or impractical.  Come on, what's more impractical, a lost kid or a few fanny pack tangles?  

New Coldplay EP: Prospekt's March

WARNING: This post is for Coldplay fans only.  Others will find it utterly useless and may sit, confused and scared, huddled on their couch.  

Hey all you Coldplay fans (My brothers, sister, Tim and nephew Brandon), I just got the new EP, and it is nothing to be ashamed about.  Now, I must say, I have thoroughly enjoyed the latest full length Coldplay album, Viva La Vida.  I find it refreshingly smooth and much more listenable than X &Y.  However, if this new EP is simply a collection of the leftover songs that did not make the original album, then Chris Martin and the boys need to start rethinking the tunes that actually make their albums.

The first three (not counting the short instrumental number) songs on the EP hit you like a ton of bricks.  They are fluid, catchy and polished.  All three could have easily made Viva, and I would venture to say that all three might be better than any song on Viva.  My favorite song on the album is track 2 - Postcards From Far Away.  

A couple minor quibbles about the EP: 1. The "remix" of Lovers In Japan sounds exactly like the original.  2. The remake of Lost with a cameo by Jay Z stinks of desperation of trying to make a very good song into a radio hit.  I don't want to say the word "sellout" but, there you go, I just did.

Now, the entire purpose of this EP might just be to drive Coldplay's current single, Lovers In Japan and garner attention for their next single Lost.  Regardless of the intention that the studio had to release the album, the fact that the fans have access to five new, GREAT songs more than makes up for it.

If you don't have this EP yet, let me know and I can make some arrangements.  You need to have this EP.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Andy Bernard Presents: A Tour of Schrute Farms

Found this at Great site for all the latest on the big wedding!

The saga continues - (The saga of the Pooping Bandit... The boy that poops all over the bathroom.)

Just a little update on the situation.

The cops showed up today.  I told the boys that they would be coming.  The room got really quiet while he walked into the room and not a soul moved.  I told them that he would be collecting some DNA samples to take to the lab.  The few boys that didn't believe me last night definitely believed me today.

I gave the poop-atrator one last chance to come forward.  I gathered all the boys together one more time and we sat in silence for ten minutes.  Again, they begged each other to tell, but alas, no one did.  Finally, a quiet boy in the third row spoke up...

"Mr. Cheeseboy??"


[Very quietly] "I know how we can find out who did it."

"Okay, on how would we do that?"

[Very seriously] "Well, we could ask Santa.  He knows who's been bad or good."

"You're right!  I will have to have a little chat with the big man."

Very creative thinking.  

I will keep you abreast of any new news on the bandit front.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The saga of the Pooping Bandit, version 2.0.

Somebody (a boy) pooped all over the First Grade boy's bathroom floor today.  Much to my dismay, this is the 4th time such an occurrence has taken place this year.  Now, I have had many conversations with the boys of the First Grade this year regarding the outburst of logs on the restroom floor and I was completely at my wicks end.  (Is it wits end or wicks end? Wick seems much more appropriate as it denotes that I am a ticking time bomb and the fuse is down to it's last quarter inch.  Although, it could be wit - like, "I'm about to lose my wits".  Yeah, I am sticking with "wick".)

When I was a "sweeper boy" I cleaned many a restroom.  In those days, there came to be a legendary figure at the Elementary School known only as "The Pooping Bandit".  Thus, I know a thing or two about cleaning up someone else's crap - and I mean this in a fully literal way - cleaning up someone else's crap that is.   If you still don't get it, I was responsible for scrubbing someone's left behind poop stains off the walls using what we referred to as a "fairy brush".  I hope that makes things clear for you.  Anyway, we seem to have hands full with a "Pooping Bandit, version 2.0" - our hands full of poop.  I have a very bad feeling that he is probably a relative of the original. Either a relative or a copycat.

In order to get an admission of guilt, the First grade teachers decided to hold the boys of the First Grade hostage until the perpetrator came forward.  We sent the girls into another classroom to watch a movie and I told the boys that we would be sitting in silence until the boy with crap on his hands (again, literally) came forward.  We sat in silence.

After five minutes the boys started blaming each other and pointing fingers.  A conversation ensued:

Cheeseboy:  Alright, no more talking!  If you say a single word, I will assume that YOU are the poop-atrator.  

Boy in first row:  I think I saw a girl go into the boys bathroom at lunch.

Cheeseboy: No, no it is not a girl!  It's someone in this room.

Boy in second row: Will the person that did it be in trouble?

Cheeseboy: [Looking at him with a new eye of scrutiny] Why? Do you know something?

Boy again: No, I was just wondering.

Cheeseboy: Well, if the person tells me now, they will only be in a little bit of trouble.  If they wait, they will be in A LOT of trouble.

Boy in last row: Why?  What will happen to them?

Cheeseboy: Well, if he doesn't let me know who it is, we may have to call the cops.

Boy in last row: Really?

Cheeseboy: Yes.  This is what is commonly called, "vandalism". The police may be very interested, especially since this is the 4th time it has happened.

[10 minutes of more silence.]

Boy: What will the police do?  How will they know who did it?

Cheeseboy: Oh, they'll probably be down tomorrow, you know - take a few samples, gather some evidence.  They'll be able to figure it out.

[5 more minutes of silence.  The girls return and I tell them to gather up their things and line up.  Soon the bell rings.  The boys are now begging each other to fess up and several are crying.]

Boy: Mr. Cheeseboy, the person who did it is not going to say so.

Cheeseboy: Yes, Billy I think you're right.

Boy: If I am late, my brother is going to KILL me!  He hates to wait for me.

Cheeseboy: Don't worry, your brother will be fine.

[2 minutes pass... still no confessor.]

Cheeseboy: Alright, gather up your things and go.  We will talk more about this tomorrow.

... I checked with the Principal and the Dare Officer will be visiting our school tomorrow.  The Principal is going to have him come down and pretend to look around and ask us a few questions.  Should be mildly entertaining.


Has this been a problem for anyone else at their place of work?

Merry Christmas from the McGuyver family.

There have been many a time in my life that I have been a borderline redneck.  For example, riding a 4 wheeler with a Confederate flag waving in the wind, or changing my own oil in my driveway.  However, today I realized I am truly bordering on 100% redneck when I realized that my Christmas light job was falling down and is one that should really be found in a trailer park:

A closer look:

I thought duct tape was supposed to hold anything!  At least that is the rep it's got in the inner circles of the sticky adhesive world.  

Stupid McGuyver probably never put up any stupid Christmas lights.

A cuddlesome gift from a cool mom.

My heartfelt thanks to Kerrianne who created some adorable autograph books for our Disneyland trip. Check these out -

Now isn't that the most adorable, most fetchingly charming thing you have ever seen in your entire life?  By posting this, I feel I have entered the realm of cutesy Mormon Mom blogs and I am... ~LOVING IT!~  Now that I am a full fledged member of the Mormon Mom Blogging community, I have some great things in store, including a list of about 27 "tags" that I need to get caught up on. Nevertheless, the boys are going to love these.

Kerianne, you are too cool.  Thanks!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The pros and cons of getting a student teacher.

My journey into teaching has finally come full circle.  In January, I will be getting my first student teacher.  I could not be more thrilled.  If I am lucky enough to get a good student teacher, by the fifth week, my life becomes a heavenly euphoria.  I am relegated to do literally nothing - sitting in the teacher's lounge and reading the newspaper.  (I know this for a fact because another teacher at my school currently has a student teacher and every time I go in the faculty room, he is reading the paper.)  The beautiful part of this gig is that after a while I am SUPPOSED to be out of the room - the student teacher people don't want me there.  

Now, I love to teach and I would not want to do anything else, but there might be something I love slightly more: laziness.  For example, I once had a job working for Microsoft, taking orders for something called a "Direct Access Action Pack".  It was a bundle of software for developers to... hold on, hold on, this may be the most boring thing I have ever written on the Blog O' Cheese; but I digress. 

The point of the story is that this "Action Pack" was not exactly highly marketed by the marketing geniuses at MS.  (Why is it that it always takes me 5 attempts to spell the word "genius" correctly?  It's just embarrassing.)  Anyway, I sat with a headset on my head for 3 full years, waiting for people to call and order this thing.  There were times when I sat, staring at a computer screen for a full four hours without taking a single call. I believe the busiest day I ever had was when I took seven calls in four hours. It was a great job for a college student, but an even better job for a natural lazyman like myself.  The task of sitting and doing absolutely nothing for hours at a time was a task I could complete with a smile on my face.  Golly, how I loved that job!

Now, if this student teacher turns out to be a total flake, it is definitely going to be more work than it's worth.  My dreams of napping on the faculty room couch while drool rolls down the the side of my face, will be replaced with nightmares of dealing with an incompetent imbusal attempting to teach children.  (Is that how you spell "imbusal"?  It would be even more embarrassing if I misspelled that word.)

I received a picture of my student teacher and her bio and she seems very, very nice.  She seems young and ambitious, ready to tackle the world, just the way I was when I was student teaching.  Her bio was very interesting as she listed activities and interests such as the FFA club (Future Farmers of America), 4-H and... (I am not making this up) raising lambs.  She looks bright and energetic, but it will be interesting to see if she has the gusto to deal with 20 six year olds for a full 8 hours.  I am sure she will be full of some of that Idaho small town spunk we have all grown to love.

In the meantime, if I weren't so lazy, I'd  get back to tending my lambs and polishing my belt buckle.  Nah, I think I will stay here and stare at this TV.

Song of the Day: The Bravery - Believe

I must admit, I haven't listened to these guys in quite some time, but I have been seeing more and more of them on the "video" stations that don't play videos.  I liked their first album a lot, which was much more punkish, but their second album just blew me away. This song is one of their best. 

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Cheeseboy Productions Presents: Cheeseboy - Live & Out of his Gourd!

Each year, as is now tradition at my school, I perform a little number for our faculty Christmas party.  I have done singing, dancing and stand up comedy.  My last performance culminated in a couple women stuffing dollar bills down my shirt and my knocking a cheesecake off the spread, only to catch it just in time. The odd thing about the dollar bills down my frontside was that I was not even stripping... well I wasn't stripping in the true sense of the word. No, no I was not stripping at all.

I have something very special planned for this year - something I hope trumps them all. (Don't worry, it does not involve stripping, although I have been taking a few classes at the Y.)  I will be sure to post video on or after the big event.

 I have noticed there hasn't been the interest building in our building that usually starts building in our building at this time when our building is building toward the holidays.  Thus, I have decided to have some tickets printed up, to build excitement of sorts:

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Redbox Conundrum

While at the McDonalds tonight, I glanced over to the "Redbox" movie rental thingy.  While eating my cholesterol nuggets and downing my aneurysm liquid, I noticed a women browsing through the movie selection.  She looked normal enough and I didn't give it a second thought.  The boys went and played on the plastic tubing and we went about our business.  As we left, I glanced over to see that the same women was still looking for an entertainment option for the evening.  35 minutes. 35 minutes!

The moral of this story? Please circle the best answer:

A. No person should ever have to spend more than 6.8 minutes at a Redbox.

B. Abe is spending entirely too much time at McDonalds.

C.  The short synopsis of the movies in the Redbox are not at all informative enough.

D. Give a man a fish fillet; you have fed him for today.  Teach a man to make a fish fillet; you have fed him for a lifetime.

E. Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls wisdom.

Any other ideas as to why this women stood facing a Redbox for a full 40 minutes?