Saturday, May 31, 2008


We went to Raging Waters today.  I don't have any pictures. Who wants to drag a digital camera around a wave pool all day long?  However, we had a great time for 2 1/2 hours and we are completely exhausted.  Lucky for me, I have a 16 mile run tonight to help refresh me.

Some of my favorite things at Raging Waters are:

The Acapulco Cliff Dive - Lincoln went on this twice and was by far the smallest kid in the line.  The older kids told him how brave he was.  This slide is an adventurous thrill ride that measures 10.5 on the WSS.  (Water Slide Scale)

The toboggan run - Nothing better than going straight down at 60 MPH and skimming across the water.  Too bad that those things weigh 70 pounds and you have to carry them up that insanely steep hill.  They need a "toboggan zip line" to bring them up to the top for you.  Lincoln also bravely rode this.  I don't think I took the plunge until I was at least 10.

The Rope - What could be more fun than holding onto a rope and swinging into a pool?  The simplicity of it is what makes it great.  

Things I hate about Raging Waters:

The Wave Pool - Nothing like getting your both sides of your head slammed together by two enormous tubes.  I remember spending 2 hours straight in the wave pool as a kid.  Now I am lucky if I make it 2 minutes with all of those competing rubber rafts slamming against each other and into me.

The Kiddy Pool - Try as I might, I have never, ever been able to stand swimming in a kiddy pool.  I think it goes back to my youth when I was swimming in a the Fairmont Park pool.  I distinctly remember seeing a brown log float past my face.  When I realized what it was, I screamed and abandoned the pool like a boy that accidentally went into the girl's bathroom.  I am disgusted at the thought of what goes on in those things.

I also do not appreciate having all the people with tube rentals jump ahead in my in line.  It is ridiculous to pay 12 bucks to get in and another 10 for a tube.  So I patiently wait my turn for a loser non-rental tube while kindly reminding the six 12 year olds that they need to do the same at the BACK OF THE LINE.  The least Raging Waters could do would be to throw out a few more free tubes on each slide, but I guess that would cut down on their rentals.

Nothing has changed!  The only change they have made to that place since I was 14 was the lazy river they added about 10 years ago.  I remember growing up, it was like Lagoon.  They would add a new slide every year.  Now it is like a stagnated, crumbling ,wooden waterslide graveyard.  Time to update things a bit.  I would still go to Raging Waters over Lagoon any day.  

The best slide in Utah is still the river run at Cherry Hill.  I love that slide.  My dad almost died on that death trap.  His tube flipped over backwards and a lifeguard pulled him out by the neck.  It was the best kind of comedy.

Time to go running for two and a half hours.  Wish me luck.

Friday, May 30, 2008

My endorsement for President is...

Since all of the other celebrities are endorsing their candidate, I would officially like to throw my hat in the ring along with them.  This is something I have always wanted to do...I would like to endorse...Barack Obama.  I was going to go with McCain but he recently released his health records and he officially has an "unremarkable buttocks except for some very light freckling."  I just cannot bring myself to vote for a man unless he has at least a "semi-remarkable buttocks with no freckles."  
I am also giving my full endorsement to Obama because all of my other celebrity friends have endorsed him including: Scarlet Johannson, The Black Eyed Peas, Oprah, George Clooney, Halley Barre and Hulk Hogan.  What the Hulk says, I say.  What the Hulk does, I do.   I pretty much do whatever celebrities tell me to.  It is kinda a good life rule. I figure, celebrities know more about life than the average person, right?  That is why they are celebrities.  If they knew very little about life, how could they become famous?  I mean, I am just famous for my blog, but if I didn't know a lot about life and stuff, I could not make a famous blog like the one that you are currently reading.  It all comes full circle and makes perfect sense.

In conclusion, I would like to say, "Vote for Obama! Some famous people including me are doing it."  I know what you are thinking, "for him to make this endorsement right now is absolute political pandering of the highest order."  To which I reply, "Okay, sure I am pandering, but you answer me this...what is pandering really?  No, I really don't know what that means. Can you tell me?"  To which you might reply, "It is sucking up to get your guy votes."  To which I would respond, "I am not a panderer!  You're a jerk face!  This conversation is over.  I need to go cut my toenails on the back porch because my wife gets mad at me if she finds my toenails on the ground in the house ."  So, as you can see, this endorsement is not about politics at all.  It is about one thing and one thing for Obama because he is the right man for the job as voted by the majority of celebrities. (Myself included as a "celeblogty").  

One final thing.  People get mad at Barack because he won't wear a flag pin on his lapel.  Well, in honor of the great Hulk Hogan, I won't wear one either.  Barack, you can thank me for this endorsement at your next Utah campaign stop.  God Bless America!  

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Abe's Stupid Human Tricks

I have never been on David Letterman's "stupid human tricks".  However, I have a variety of stupid tricks I can do that may one day get me invited.  Unfortunately, nothing I can do is very original.

My first stupid trick is making my tongue do the wave.  

My second stupid trick is blowing spit bubbles off my tongue.  (Must have correct spit consistency in mouth.  Temperature, barometer and humidity must also be just right for me to perform this trick.)  I actually learned this trick when bored one day tracting rich summer homes in the Poconos.  

Placing my entire fist in my mouth.  

Dancing like a complete moron.

(Dave, if you read this post, put a note in the comments and we will schedule a time for me to come perform.)

Oh, one other thing.  I know the entire "Small Wonder" theme song by heart.  Question: Who does the Small Wonder dad look like?

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Mormons are great in reality shows.

Given all of the success that Mormons have had on reality shows lately, I have considered producing an all Mormon reality show.  I mean, it worked for movies.  We now have what seems to be 1,000 Mormon movies which to shrug our shoulders at.  

I have several ideas for a TV show, but I am not sure which one to pitch to KBYU.  Here are my ideas:

1. "Nursery Survivor" - Put the High Council in a nursery with 12 kids.  Last one to leave is the new Stake President.

2. "The Real World - Provo" - 7 strangers picked to live in BYU student housing and have their lives taped.  Of course, the girls and boys would have to live in separate houses across campus and the giant hot tub would be replaced with a karaoke machine that plays only Afterglow, Kurt Bestor and Michael Mcsuperclean.  Also, sex scenes would be replaced by extended NCMO scenes.  Also, this show would be really awful.

3. "The Bizarro Bachelor" - 20 recently returned RM's and twenty 20 year old women are put together LDS Institute ballroom.  The last person that is not married is the winner.

4. "False (American) Idols" - Follow the lives of people as they are given a chance to pick either a false idol, a boat (A boat is the most common Sunday School answer to the question, "What are some of the false idols we worship?") or a dry pack canner. 

5. "Flavor of Mormon Love" - Watch the sparks fly as Flava Flave is converted and has his choice of 10 hot sweet spirits.  

6. "Hell's Kitchen" -  youth groups are asked to prepare meals for the poor in a Las Vegas Casino kitchen.

7. "Beauty and the Geek" - An super hot, Utah graduate model marries a BYU coed.

8. "The Apprentice - Bronco Mendenhall" - The search for the next BYU assistant coach begins as a group of 10 men grovel, steal and cheat their way to the top.  (Show is filmed while contestants are still on their missions.)

9. "Super Nanny, Exposed" - Super Nanny is out of her element and finally stumped when she has to watch a family of 10 obnoxious kids on the second row of sacrament meeting.

10.  (This one is actually for the FLDS)  "Wives Swap" - See if FLDS men actually realize that their wives have been swapped.   

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Bronco Mendenhall is a disgrace.

Remember when Ben Olson transferred to UCLA and Bronco and his band of brothers had a fit that UCLA contacted him while he was on his mission?  Those were the good old days.  Well, now Bronco finds himself in a hypocritical loop that he cannot escape.

Bronco, you cannot have it both ways.  You cannot get angry when others contact your missionaries and then contact other team's missionaries while they are in the field.  You cannot say that a mission should be a young man's sole focus and then interrupt a the middle of a young man's mission with your backwards recruiting tactics.  You cannot expect others to not go after your missionaries, when you do the same to them.  Karma's a real beast, Bronco, and it is going to come back to bight you.  For a man that claims the moral superiority of his school, recruiting a kid on a mission through his father and his mission president is a real slimy thing to do.

Before you jump to Bronco's defense and say that it was Riley that contacted BYU first, this article should disprove that once and for all.

And if you are under the impression that Bronco never said that he would not recruit or contact guys on missions, this article should disprove that theory as well.

So, what should Bronco have done?  This is exactly what he should have done.  As one Ute fan posted:

Dear Elder Nelson,

Thank you for your recent letter and interest in BYU football.  We commend you for your decision to serve a mission.  It is our policy not to conduct business related to football while young men are serving missions.  We feel that it is a time that should be focussed on your service in the mission field and how you should best serve your Heavenly Father and your fellow men.  If upon completing your service as a missionary, you still have a desire to play for Brigham Young University and after you have discussed the situation with your previous coach, I would welcome the opportunity to meet with you then.  

To think, all this fuss over a guy that they didn't want out of high school anyway.  A guy that I heard many cougar fans say had a weak arm and a small body.  All of this fuss for a Buddy, from Charles in Charge, lookalike.  Well, Bronco, you can take your former Utah State QB. (Heck, take Southern Utah's and Idaho's QB too!)  Utah will still destroy you for the next five years and we will do it with a mixture of our own missionaries and better non-LDS athletes to boot.

Monday, May 26, 2008

The curse of the Dodge Caravan is over.

We have owned a 2000 Dodge Caravan minivan for about 10 months.  Biggest piece of crap I have ever owned.  OK, we paid $6,000.00 for it.  It immediately needed about $1,000.00 in repairs.  Since those initial repairs, we have had a variety of problems that I won't get into now.  This Dodge was suppose to last us 2 years while we saved for something better.  It lasted 10 stinking months.  Now it was making a clicking sound.  I had had enough of this blankety blank piece of blank!

This morning we took it to Carmax to see what they would pay for it.  We were expecting between at least $3,000 - $4,000.  They come back and say that they heard the clicking sound (damn it!) and they were offering $500.00.  Well, after laughing in their face, we became downtrodden and a bit depressed.  We had seen another van at a dealership that we might like, so out of desperation we stopped there.  

We liked the van a lot and told them, "it all depends on how much you give us for our trade in."  They ended up giving us around $3,000.00 for the trade in.  Suckers!  (Well, either they gave us that much or they took it off the price of the car we bought, probably the latter.)  Either way, we are free of that nightmare!  

We were hoping to get at least $3,500.00 for the trade in, but after the Carmax experience we were happy to take the $3,000.00.  At any rate, that piece of trash Dodge cost us about 5 grand in 10 months.  I will never buy a Dodge again.

We are hoping for much better luck with this van.  It is a 2006 Kia Sadona.  It only has 22,000 miles on it and it is pretty nice.  Nothing, and I mean NOTHING could be worse than that Dodge.  

Here are some a photo of the world class automobile:

Sunday, May 25, 2008

BYU alum are cheaters!

This article about an overprotective sap of a BYU dad made me laugh, as it did all of the other folks on the other day.  I guess BYU needs to offer a course in morality and ethics. Poor girl will be branded a cheater for the rest of her life, just because her dad is a Y fan.   

Lincoln's puke streak is truly over now.  He puked for about 4 hours yesterday.  He caught the nebola virus or the bird flu or something that is going around at his school.  Oh well, time to start a new streak.  Just keep him away from any black and white cookies.  Unfortunately, we missed the excursion to the dino-park in Ogden.  Bummer.  Calder has not yet got it, thank goodness.

I ran 14 miles on Friday night.  And if you were wondering, yes that is a very long time to just run.  It took me just over 2 hours and I came home exhausted.  Good thing Lincoln was puking because I didn't feel like doing anything yesterday.  This Saturday calls for a 16 miler.  Ugh.  

Some of the ladies at my school were clammering and hooting it up in the office the other day.  When I peaked in to check on what the big deal was, they told me they had purchased some clear duct tape.  THEY NOW MADE CLEAR DUCT TAPE!  I asked them, "Why would someone need duct tape that is clear?  That is the most worthless invention since Crystal Pepsi".  One of the ladies then said, "I bet you are going to go home and blog about this."  So here it is.  I am blogging about it.  Crystal duct tape....AMAZING!  (If you want to see a true list of great inventions, please visit my post below.)

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Keep your hands, arms and spit inside the vehicle at all times.

It seems that every time I drive anywhere nowadays I see this disgusting act occur at least once.  

You pull up to a red light and there are 4-5 cars in front of you.  One particularly classy man in a parked car opens his door.  Hmm, you think, his door must need re-closing or perhaps his wife farted?  No, no, no!  Suddenly and without warning, you see him spit a quarter size wad of nose poo onto the cement.  Very swank. Very dashing.  Is it any wonder that this chic gentleman is womanless and is driving a black Trans am?  

I am tired of this repugnant habit.  I don't want to see it anymore.  Keep your slobber in your own mouth while I wait for the light to turn green.  That is the end of my State Street spittoon rant.  Have a great Labor Day weekend everyone

Song of the day - Picky Bugger - Elbow

I caught onto this band about 3 months ago and I can't get enough.  This particular video is off the DVD that comes with the CD.  Essentially, it is a 50 minute long music video for each song on the album.  This is my favorite one on this album.

Friday, May 23, 2008

I am a winner!

Congratulations to me!  I won $20.00 to Cafe Rio and a $60.00 hour massage in our "teacher appreciation" drawing by the PTA.  My students also brought me 20 Caramellos and Nerds and 20 Sobe Energy drinks and lemonades.  (That is what I put down as my favorite candy and drink.)  This was the best teacher appreciation week ever and in culminated in me winning and being the big winner.  I always had a feeling that I was a winner, and today proved that I could win.

Thursday, May 22, 2008


I'd like to invent useless things and sell them on infomercials.  If I were not teaching, I think that would be my profession of choice.  I love to get my creative juices flowing.  Here are some of my ideas:

1. An ice maker that makes ice that is flavored.  You want a little lemon in your coke?  Just toss in a couple of lemon flavored ice cubes.  You want a little vanilla in your Dr. Pepper?  Just toss in a few vanilla cubes.  I very innovative idea I must say.

2.  A seedless watermelon.  Imagine, a watermelon with no seeds!  No more spitting or accidentally swallowing the seeds.  I have the physics of it figured out, I just need to get the project rolling.  Those two years of agriculture classes at Utah State are finally starting to pay off.

3. A phone that is both a phone and an iPod.  Imagine having a little music right on your cell phone.  You want to talk a little, go ahead and talk.  You want to listen to a stanza or two, go right on ahead.  This idea is still in the planning stages, but imagine the 
payoff.  I think there is a very large pool of people that would spend a nickel or two for a gadget like this one.

4.  Some sort of spray that you could spray in the eyes of bad guys.  What's that you say?  A bad guy wants your purse?  Take some of this bad guy! SHHHHHHHH!! Right in the eyes, leaving him helpless and basically immobile.  While he is lying on the ground in pain, a good swift kick to the jaw would be exactly what he deserves.  Then, maybe sticking a table fork in his leg.  An idea that is sure to cut down on the amount of street crime in this country.  But it all starts with the spray. I have approached some developers with the idea, but so far no interest. 

5. The sling, for monkeys.  You have seen the women in the mall with their newborn in a sling around their neck?  Well, as far as I know, nothing like this has been designed for monkeys.  I know what you are thinking, "What would be the difference between the baby swing and the monkey sling?"  Well, essentially, I would like to take all that is good about a baby sling and add to it.  But really the only difference would be a long pocket on the side to hold bananas.

6.  "A Bagfull Of Tinfoil" A game for country folk.  The game is kind of be like "slug bug" but with a twist. It is fairly complex, but the rules are as follows: If you see a haystack, you have to yell, "STACK O'HAY, WHAT A BRIGHT DAY!" before the other farmers do.  (Standard shotgun rules apply here.)  If you do not say it before the others, you have 25 seconds to list as many Smurfs as you can think of.  (example, Brainy, Papa, Dopey, Doc, Dasher, etc.)  The person that says the least amount of Smurfs then has to buy everyone else one shot of chewing tobacco.  If it is a tie, then the two that tie split the cost of the tobacco.  If no one can think of a Smurf, everyone loses and the man that first saw the haystack gets to stick a fork in each of their legs.  (Unless, of course, there is a man with a wooden leg, as many country folk have.  In that case, the wooden legged man gets a free pass, which is just goes to show you that you should never play Bagfull of Tinfoil with a man with a wooden leg.)  

If you like any of my ideas, please leave a note below.  I will be contacting you and visiting your home to discuss future investment opportunities.  Below is a diagram of my business model. (Just ignore the little sidebar on the graph.)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

If you went to my high school and you were not my friend, please don't talk to me.

There are people in life that I love to see.  These include people from my mission, people from Westminster College and a few close friends from high school.  

However, there are a group of people I just loath.  When I see them at the grocery store, I turn and hide.  At a Jazz game, I pretend not to see them.  When I am at Lagoon, I hop in a line and hide my head.  The people of who I speak are people from high school.

During my high school days, I was far from what you might call popular.  Many might call me a loser, but I mostly just stayed in the background and watched things from afar.  I had my close knit group of about 10 friends and I really didn't need the social outlet that high school provides for so many.  As a result, I didn't really socialize or become very acquainted with anyone outside of my social circle.

It seems that now I cannot go anywhere without seeing someone from high school, and they all want to talk to me.  I am not sure why.  In high school they could less about talking to me.  Now they want to know what I do, how many kids I have, who I married, etc.  The other day I saw kid from high school that was way too cool to talk to me.  I tried to hide from him, but I could not escape.  He told me how he lived in Draper and had a job at a law firm or something.  (I wasn't really listening, I was just trying to figure out how to get out of the situation.)  I thought it was interesting that he even knew my name, because I still can't remember his.

The great thing about seeing these people is that they are all almost always surprised that I married Cathi.  Fortunately, she went to my high school and is still way out of my league.  It is funny to see their face when I tell them I married her.  They are almost always surprised.  IN YOUR FACE HIGH SCHOOL LOSERS!

How to Crack a Bullwhip

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Liger - "Bred for it's skills in magic".

Today, I decided it would be great fun if we used our imaginations a little.  Inspired by Napoleon Dynamite's "Liger", and a "Liophant" in a Flat Stanley book, I asked the kids to invent a new animal by combining two animals.  The responses I got were fascinating and hilarious.  I give you some of the creations of Mr. Yospe's class:

"The Mooscog"
This animal comes to you courtesy  of Hannah P.  It is 1/3 moose, 1/3 cat. 1/3 dog.  She wrote that it lives in the forest.

"The Cheater & The Tipiger"
These two distinct specimens come to our courtesy of Keri.  The Cheater is half chetah and half turtle.  The Tipiger is 
half pig and half tiger.  She wrote that the cheater eats cereal and the tipiger eats corn.

"The Gorillafent"  
This here animal is a gorillafent by Spencer.  He eats coconuts and lives in the trees.

"The Mrog"
Half monkey, half frog, Kaylee invented the Mrog.  In her words, "Okay! This is a monkey mixed up with a frog.  The frog part of me won't let me eat bananas."

"The Shorker"
Let me present to you the Shorker by Hannah J.  Half shark, half porcupine, the Shorker will eat anything, even alligators.

FYI, Heath also created an creature that is half monkey, half Mr. Yospe.  He called it the "Mr. Monkey".  He lives in the jungle, helps monkeys learn how to read and swings his legs a lot.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Eraser Men - The trend that will never end.

I have noticed since I have started teaching that some things I did as a kid are still cool today.  For example, making paper footballs and shooting them through your buddies finger "goalposts", bringing trading cards to school or riding scooters:

Scooters when I was a kid:

Scooters nowadays:

To my surprise, however, the first graders in my class are on a kick that I forgot that even existed.  This would be the "eraser man" trend started when an older brother started making them.
(Thanks Harrison!)  His younger brother then brought this creative endeavor into my classroom.  My class is now full of large pink erasers and eraser heads decorated like little men.  The crazy thing is that I remember doing the exact same thing in grade school!  Good old eraser men, one of the few remaining joys in life.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Lincoln's spewing chunks streak is over.

If you are a frequent reader of my blog, you know that I am a huge hypochondriac.   However, when it comes to my kids, I am a ultra-hypochondriac. So, when Lincoln started his vomiting streaks between the ages of 2-5, I freaked.  Every three to six months, Lincoln would do the "lateral cookie toss tango" every 15 minutes.  After about 6 hours of him "being a mother bird" every 15 minutes, he would be perfectly fine and want to start playing.  Well, when he had two of these "chewing backward" episodes in one month last June, I freaked out like Richard Simmons being chased by a fire extinguisher...(after I had written this post, I realized that I had just compared myself to Richard Simmons.  I just want everyone to know, I am not in any way like Richard Simmons.)

It has almost been a year since Lincoln last "rid the ride of regurgitation".  Unfortunately, yesterday he came home from the neighbors and on the way home, he had "had a round trip meal ticket". It was a good thing he was outside so he could "fertilize the sidewalk". He had almost made it a year without "doing the Provo mating call"!  I was so bummed out that he had "launched the shuttle".  Fortunately, this particular "chunderchunk" episode was brought on by way too much fruit punch at the local Gringos, and it wasn't one of his famed 15 minute episodes of "reading the toilet".  He only "painted the town green" once and then he was back at his friends, playing it up.  It is now time to start a new streak of not "talking to Ralph up the big white telephone".  (Like much of the things I post, I am not sure what that last sentence even means, but it sounded like a good synonym for "blowing chunks".)

In celebration of this event, I present to you The Richard Simmons Steamer...

Saturday, May 17, 2008

John Tucker is dead... of old age

For unknown reasons to my wife and myself, we found ourselves in front of the tube last night watching a horribly awful movie.  However, it was one of those movies that you sit and stare at because you know there is probably nothing better on anyway. (Which was probably wrong because nothing could be worse than this load.) It was a teen comedy called "John Tucker Must Die".

While watching the movie, the characters looked more and more like they had actually graduated college.  After checking, I discovered the real ages of the "high school juniors" during the time of filming.  Here is a rundown:

1. Jesse Metcalf (John Tucker) - 28 years old!!!
2. Brittany Snow (Kate) - 20 years old
3. Ashanti (Heather) - 26
4. Sophia Bush - 24
5. Arielle Kabbel - 21
6. Penn Badgely - 21

The amazing thing is that the acting was still awful.  Probably because the actors had not been teenagers for so long, they forgot how to act like a teenager.

Friday, May 16, 2008


As a male teacher in an Elementary School, I am constantly attending showers, both baby and wedding.  I am sure that I have attended more showers in 4 years than most men attend in their lifetimes.  As a result, I have become a connoisseur of showers. I have learned that a successful shower must include all of the following: (These are things that I would have never known if I had chosen to be in advertising and marketing like the rest of the boys in my family.)

  • A creative centerpiece that is either edible or unusual.  
  • Paper wrapped to the tables. The tighter the better.
  • A scrapbook filled with beloved treasures and pictures. 
  • A game involving diapers, embarrassing stories, riddles about baby names and the like.
  • Women cackling and whooping like frantic, overhyped pigeons.
  • A line of food that usually involves a lot of stuffed things: eggs, crapes, eclairs, etc.  Women like food that is stuffed.  
  • This phrase is heard at least 10 times during a shower: "I probably shouldn't eat this, but it looks soooo good!"
  • "That is so cute!"  heard today over 50 times.
  • Me, at the long table of food getting my third helping of stuffed things.  I can't help it, I love free food, and if I am paying into a pot to get some baby a $20 nightgown that she will wear for 3 months, you better be damn sure that I am going to splurge on all the food.
  • A bowl of punch with floating fruit in it.  Today the fruit was strawberries.  I learned that it is difficult to drink strawberries.  After the punch is gone from the paper cup, they stick to the bottom.  It took "four taps", a "tongue swipe" and finally a "finger pinch" to get it out.  Why do women put floating fruit in punch?  
I realize that as a man, I am not in tune with the need and desire that women share of bonding over a cream puff and a display of paper mache teddy bears and sock puppet raindrops.  (I am not sure what that last sentence meant or if it even makes sense, but it sounds like stuff that would be at a shower.)

This is the end of my shower rant.  Love to all!  Abe

Thursday, May 15, 2008

It's Time to Play the Feud!

I grew up watching the feud - The Family Feud. As the host, Richard Dawson was a NCMO maniac during this time.  He could not get get enough of that game show nookie, even from the ugly contestants.  Well I turn on the old tube today and who is now hosting but some Seinfeld castoff that no one has heard of.  (I guess he was on Dancing With the Stars but I am not sure what their definition of "star" is.)  Wow, how this once mighty show fallen.  Here is a rundown of the hosts:

Richard Dawson aka "Desperate Lips"  1976 - 1985

Ray Combs aka "Suicide Ray" 1988 - 1995 

Louie Anderson aka "The Failed Diet, The Failed Career" 1999 - 2002

Richard Karn aka "Al Borland, Now & Forever" 2002 - 2006

John O'Hurly aka "That Guy Is Hosting Now?" 2006 - present

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The new swimsuit conundrum and other ramblings from a nut.

I need a new swimsuit.   My wife's 13 woman's magazines all say that it is important to get one that "flatters your curves and flaunts your benefits".  Yes, yes, I can see the importance in that. My curves need a little razzle-dazzle and my benefits could use a little flaunting.   I really want to look good at my once a year jaunt to Raging Waters this year.  I have lost 20 pounds, grown out my chest hair extra long and I look extra white, even for a jewish fella.  I once unravelled  a chest hair and it measured at a whopping 9 inches!  By June, I hope to have that beat.  I want the suit that help me capture the attention of every lady lying by the wave pool.  Strangely, from past experience, women are not impressed when you unravel your chest hair for them to show them how long it is.

My wife's magazines also recommend a sheek, retro look.  Not a problem because Sheek and Retro are my middle names.  (I have two middle names. Not uncommon during the 70's....Abram Sheek Retro Yospe.  No wonder people think I am a foreigner!)

I have done some searching on various swimwear websites and I have discovered exactly what I am looking for.  It is a one piece, which poses some problems when it comes to actually peeing in the pool, which I find easier than making the trek to across the molten lava sidewalk to the restroom.  That reminds me - when will people that build swimming pools realize that concrete gets hot in the sun?  When God created nature's swimming pools, he surrounded them with sand.  Sure, sand still gets hot, but it is so fun to build in.  You can't build nothin' with stinking asphalt.  Oh - I also figured why it is called "asphalt".... because it's when your feet get burned on it, it's your own ass's fault!  

Anyway, after studying several layouts and attending a weekend bathing suit conference at the Hyatt, I have come to the conclusion that this is the suit for me:

If I get it, I will definitely need to grow a handlebar mustache.  

What's the big deal about Troll 2?

Troll 2.  The "best worst movie ever!"  If you have seen it, there is no doubt.  I have seen it over 20 times and it still makes me laugh.

Last summer I went to a special screening of the movie at the Tower Theater with my friends.  The entire cast was there, including Grandpa Seth.  The lead character, Joshua was filming a documentary about the best worst movie ever.  I may be in that movie.  I was sitting on the second row.  

My friend, Brent, refuses to give this movie it's due credit.  Cathi hates it with a passion.  Some people just don't get it, and that's okay.  It is not a movie for everyone.  However, if you doubt it's validity as being so awful that it is funny, you are just being untruthful to yourself.  

Troll 2 fever is sweeping the nation.  They have been screening at sold out venues around the country.  If you do not believe me, check out this preview for the documentary.

That reminds me....Esther, can you give me back my copy of Troll 2?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Disneyland 08 Now Booked!

Just booked our airfare on Jet Blue for our Disneyland trip this year.  We are going December 7-11.  From past experience, the best time to go is on a Sunday night.  It is open late and everyone leaves around 7:00.  The least busy time you will ever see Disneyland is on a non-summer, non-holiday Sunday night at about 10:00.  

We leave Sunday morning and come back Thursday night.  From past experience, we have noticed Disneyland begins to get more crowded beginning Thursday afternoon.  So, we have planned this out perfectly to avoid all of the crowds.  Also, Lincoln's favorite movie is "A Nightmare Before Christmas" and he loves it when the Haunted Mansion is decorated in that motif.   We are excited because Grandma and Grandpa Yospe are going with us this year.

Jet Blue says that you must bring your own earphones.  You mean I don't get to rent earphones from 1968 for $10.00?  

Monday, May 12, 2008

Two important things: Archutanna & Do I really know this guy?

I have been thinking about the important things in life lately: God, family goals, where I want to be in 10 years, the meaning of it all and most importantly, how I could make a 13 year old girl's head explode.

If I could somehow get David Archuletta to start dating Hannah Montana, that should do the trick.  The girls would be completely jealous and where would they aim their pent up, hormonal crazed, pimple faced,  frustration?  Directly at their leader of leaders, their idol of idols, their overrated princess of crappy pop  - Ms. Montana.  It is the perfect plan.  The only thing that would be more perfectererer would be if the entire affair was filmed at East High and billed as "High School Musical 3".  If all of these pieces were to fall into place, I guarantee at least one one girl would screech so loudly in anger her head would in fact explode.  I clearly have given this a lot of thought.

The only thing I can compare the above scenario would be if Oprah began to date Dr. McDreamy.

Larry H. Miller...what kind of statement are you making by staying home from the Jazz game on Sunday?  

First of all, your movie theaters are open on Sundays.
Secondly, your movie theaters play rated R movies.  

Thirdly, you sell beer at Jazz games.  

Forthly, you gave your tickets to your grandson, who is a member of the church.  Are you saying that you are trying to set a righteous example for your grandkids and then providing a means for them to do exactly what you are trying to set an example for them not to do?  (Or something like that.)  

Fifthly, how is this news?  Who cares if he goes to the game or not?  I guess I do.  I am blogging about it now.  

Sixthly, I can't help but think that this has something to do with your freaky, alien elbows.  I haven't figured out how, 
but when I make the connection, I will certainly blog about it.  Maybe it is just an excuse to have a press conference and cry a lot?

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I might get a neck tattoo.

There is this gracious, kindhearted, 60 year old man in my ward.  He is a swell guy, but every time I see him he wants to talk about what he is doing at the gym.  Today, he began the conversation by saying, "I did 3, 462 crunches yesterday!"  He then went on a 45 minute rant about every exercise, stretch and rotation he does daily.

When I say 45 minutes, I mean 45 minutes.  He followed me into the clerks office and I completed balancing the ward checkbook.  He kept talking like I was his personal trainer.  I would nod and say "uh huh...yeah, - 32 sets....that is amazing."  That's 45 minutes of my life that I am not getting back.    

I think if I were to get a neck tattoo, people like this would not talk to me.  Maybe a long butterfly or a dragon?  Or maybe I could become a close talker or one of those people that hold your hand way too long when you shake hands.  Those people are weirdos. 

Thoughts about the game and the Jazz

Does anyone actually want to guard Derek Fisher?  How many 3's does he have to make in a row?

How about drawing up a game winning play that actually works?

How many 10 point 4th quarter leads have the Jazz blown this year?  They can't seem to convert offensively in crunch time.

How about a play in the last 3 minutes that does not involve DWill just running dribbling around into nowhere?

Why do the announcers keep saying the Lakers are so hated because they have won so much in the past?  Don't they realize that people hate them because they are cocky, arrogant, pompous jerks?  No mention of that.

When will Memmo back up a quarter inch so he can actually get 3 instead of 2?  JUST BACK UP A FREAKING 1/2 INCH!  Give him credit though, he is the most clutch guy on the team.

If there is any doubt that Kobe does not receive preferential treatment, just look at the call where he clearly pushed AK to give himself room.  That is one reason the NBA just bugs me.

I decided to actually watch this game (unlike the last game) and I think I lost 2 years of my life.  These close games are just killers.  

Anyone else think that Kobe was playing up those injuries a little too much just because he is a whiner?  What do you want to bet that all we will hear from Laker fans is how the Lakers would have won if Kobe wasn't hurt.

Is there ANYONE that you enjoy watch lose more than Kobe?  The only person I can think of is John Beck.

I am sticking with my original prediction of the Jazz losing this series, but ask me again after game 5.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

The first sign of summer? The neighbors paint the pool.

We are fortunate enough to have extremely nice neighbors directly across the street that own an in ground pool.  We (or Lincoln) go swimming 3 or 4 times a week in the summer.

They painted the pool today.  Of course, I volunteered to help.  Of course I always volunteer to help do stuff on Saturday mornings when I know I will be working at Sylvan.

Here is Matt and my good friend Brent painting themselves into a corner.  Last year, Brent lost a tooth in the pool in a brutal game of water basketball.  I wonder if he found it today.

I really do wish I could have helped.  Painting a swimming pool is on my "bucket list".  Now I have to wait 7 more years.  Also on my bucket list?  Writing a bucket list.  Oh, and buying a bucket to put the list in.


Friday, May 9, 2008

Coldplay is coming to SLC!

They are going to be at Energy Solutions on November 22.

The only problem?  BYU at Utah the same day.  Kickoff is at 4:30.

Oh crap.  The choices in life.  Fortunately, tickets for Coldplay will probably be $70.00, so that will make it easy for me.

I say dumb things to famous people.

I have said some really stupid things before, some really stupid things.  I will have to post about all the dumb things I have said another day.  As for today, I am going to post about one specific ridiculous item of knowledge that has spouted forth from mine lips.

The year was 2000.  A new millennium was dawning this very night.  Cathi and I were attending a "Bull Riders Only" event plus Chely Wright concert afterword.  During this time, Chely Wright was very big on the country music scene.  She had several hits and Cathi became a fan.  Cathi would watch the country video countdown shows and I would remark at how striking this Chely woman was.  Cathi being the very unjealous type that she is, would just shrug her shoulders and agree.

My dad, being the bigwig that he is, was able to obtain two VIP passes.  We were fortunate enough to have the opportunity to meet Chely.  We ate dinner in the basement of the Delta Center and then got in line for a picture.  We were the last people in line.  When we finally got to Chely, she shook our hands and told us thanks for the support.  I had been thinking for quite some time of things I could say to her.  Perhaps, "I really enjoy your music."  Or "You are a great artist."  However, as she stood before us all glittery and smiley, all I could squeak out was, "I voted for you on the CMT countdown show."  

Of course, I had not voted for her.  I didn't even know how to vote.  It was a stupid thing to say.  Chely looked a little surprised that a 25 year old man would tell her this (I believe most people that vote for those shows are 14 year old girls.)  Cathi looked surprised that I had said anything at all.  Then it of Chely's bodyguards standing behind her laughed and said, "Oh, YOU were the one that put us over the top!"  How embarrassing.  (But not as embarrassing as pooing your shorts.)  Chely then laughed and said, "thank you" and I walked away in shame.  I voted for you on the CMT countdown show??? What the hell was that?

Well, I thought this was just a one time problem.  However, I was once in a commercial for my dad and Craig Bollerjack was in it.  When I met him, I told him, "I like your pants."  To be fair, they were a very cool color.

I also once waited in line right behind Teri Hatcher for 45 minutes for Peter Pan at Disneyland.  I didn't realize it was her until some people started taking pictures of her right before she got on.  Someone tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You were right behind Teri Hatcher!"  It's a good thing I didn't know it was her or I would have probably said something stupid like "You were the best Louis Lane ever!"

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Sandler's Influence on the First Grade

People that constantly quote movies are very annoying.  BUT what if the people that they are quoting movies are unaware that they are quoting movies?   Are they annoying then?  The answer is no, because they don't even know what they should be annoyed about.  Therefore, I have justified my quoting in my classroom.  It is as simple as that.

My favorite thing to quote is Billy Madison.

One of my favorite times is when we have sloppy joes.  I say "SLOPPY JOES TODAY - I BET THEY"LL MAKE THEM EXTRA SHLOPPY FOR YOU!  I KNOWS HOW YOUS KIDS LIKE EM' SHLOPPY!"   

When nobody can get the answer to a question like "What is 100 plus 100?"  I love to tell them the answer and then say loudly, "I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!"

When we have a birthday I always sing the birthday song in my perfect "Opera Man" voice.  

Best of all, once a few years ago when a kid peed his pants at recess, I told all the laughing kids, "IT"S COOL TO PEE YOUR PANTS! PEEING YOUR PANTS IS THE COOLEST!"

A couple times a kid needed help putting on a jacket.  They asked, "Can you put this on?"  I then grabbed the jacket, jammed my arms through the sleeves and danced around singing "fat guy in a little coat.  Fat guy in a little coat!"

Another of my favorite things to do (and I just did it today) is the "Miyagi Clap".  When a kid has a clear  overdramatic injury and they are crying, I sit them down and tell them I have a special move that I learned from my mysterious friend, "Myaggi".  I then pull my hands apart and slap them together and rub furiously.  I then put my hands on their injury.  Within seconds, they are better and smiling.  It is a Karate Kid miracle!  Today, I completely healed an ankle.  Pat Morita is a genius.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Song of the day - Pinback - Boo

Rob Crow is the singer of this band.  He is a bit of a legend in music circles and is the lead of about 12 other bands.  This is his #1 project and they have been around for awhile and I have about 6 of their albums.  This is my favorite song of theirs.  The only place I could find it was on Youtube and for some odd reason, someone put it to Desmond's story in LOST.  Anyway, just enjoy the song if you are not a LOST fan and if you are, enjoy the song and the video.  

This Jazz team does not have what it takes to get it done.

Sorry folks.  The verdicts already in.  Tonight will be the beginning of the end.  The Jazz don't have it in the cards.  Put it in the old refrigerator baby!  This one is money - ka - ching!  As every player is saying nowadays, "it is what it is." And it is not good.

Call me faithless or a bandwagoner, but the Jazz can't keep pace with the hated Lakers.  They are too well put together.  Kobe has his running mate and the other pieces are fantastic role players.  As much as I hate the Lakers and as much as I'd like to see the Jazz beat them, it will not happen this year.

I have given much thought and the championship teams almost always have at least two superstars.  Bulls - Jordan & Pippen, Spurs - Duncan & Robinson (or Ginobli/Parker), Lakers - Magic & Kareem, Celtics - Bird & McHale, Heat - Wade & Shaq, Lakers again - Shaq & Kobe, Rockets - Hakeem & Drexler, Pistons - Isiah & Rodman.

The only championship team I can think of that does not have two superstars is the last Detroit team to win it.  If Jazz fans want to get hope from a past team, this would be it.  They are put together very much the same as this Jazz team.  5 solid starters and a solid bench with no real superstars.  

If Jazz fans want further hope for the future, I believe DWill is a budding superstar, if he is not already one.  Unfortunately, I do not think that Carlos will be ever be anything more than an All Star sub.  He would make a perfect 3rd option on any team and his defense, well, you all know about that.  

I'll leave it at this: The Jazz are still too young and not talented enough yet to fully contend for a title.  Perhaps next year, but until they get one more superstar or Boozer steps his game up to another level (yeah right), they are second round busts for years to come.  

Go ahead Jazz,  I would love nothing more than for you to prove me wrong!  Beat the Lakers and I will forever shut my trap.  Beat the Lakers and I shall never doubt you again.