Monday, February 28, 2011

I'm Honored to be 'Lady of the Week'.

Today, I am honored to be chosen as the Purseblogger "Lady of the Week".  I shall cherish this award through my entire adult womanhood and into menopause. Thank you, Purseblogger for this honor. You may read my interview here.

If you are looking for the usual cheese hilarity, please read my post from yesterday entitled "The Diary of a Wimpy American Idol Loser".  I am rather proud of how it turned out.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Diary of a Wimpy American Idol Loser.

This is me.
Sunday June 12, 2010 4:30 AM:

Dear Diary,

It's 4:30 in the morning and I am standing in a line full of total wannabe DORKS!  Officially, I am number 2,572 but I know I am going to be number one in the hearts of those judges.

My secret plan is in full effect. I'm wearing my Lady Liberty costume, I've got my voice coach with me (Stefan) and I've eaten tons of that Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt to make me as regular as humanly possible. Nothing stands in my way between myself and becoming the next American Idol!  - - Except of course the 2, 571 dill-wad, voice-cracklers in line in front of me.

Sunday, June 12, 2010 4:37 AM:

Dear Diary,

Some important looking dudes just came out with megaphones and started yelling at everyone.  I was in the middle of doing my G scales, so I was a little PRETURD by the whole scene.  Some punk kid behind me pushed me in the back and told me to "Shut my Liberty-Loving Mouth!'  Apparently, he couldn't hear the instructions over the beauty that is my voice or something.

I'm starting to think I may have eaten too much yogurt.

Sunday, June 12, 2010 6:30 AM:

I'm the one with the good voice here.
Dear Diary,

We just saw Randy drive up.  There was a huge cheer from the audience, but I didn't yell.  Gotta save that voice for when it matters most.  The guys with the megaphones came out again and informed us that there are like TWELVE rounds of judges before we even get to SEE Steven Tyler!  That's so bogus, but I am not worried at all because with these looks and this voice, I'd go through five hundred levels of judges, no problem.

I really have to use the bathroom, but rumor has it that if I move, I lose my place in line.  That punk kid behind me said there was no way he was saving my spot. I sang an extra loud G scale IN HIS FACE!

Sunday, June 12, 2010 8:30 AM: 

Dear Diary,

It's official.  All that yogurt was a BAD IDEA!  Fortunately, the line has started to move, which is great because I have been warming my voice up for over four hours now.  Great news!  Some cameraman was taken by my kick-butt costume and actually asked to interview me!  I told him about how my mom told me I wouldn't amount to anything in life and then left our carnival to work with the circus.  I told him about how the Carnies raised me and my brothers and how I'm singing for my brother, Jimmy, who had a foot chopped off by a mis-aligned Carousel seat.

I even sang a couple lines of "That's What Friends Are For" for him.  I think he was impressed too because he brought his buddy over and said, "Number 2,572 George.  Write it down. 2572"  I'm number 2,572!  I must have made quite the impression.

Sunday, June 12, 10:30 AM:

Dear Diary,

I just passed the first round of table of judges and it could not... have... gone... better! One of the judges couldn't even look at me, I was that impfestive.  Another just looked straight down at her notepad and nodded her head to the tune I was creating with my God-given voice.  When I was done, they told me that I had been one of the most entertaining acts of the day.  I even heard the girl whisper to the others, "He's terrific. We should just send this one straight through to JLo."

I am thinking of switching things up and singing "The Final Countdown" for my next audition desk.
 (Also, I pooped a little in my pants, but we will keep that between you and I, Diary.)

Sunday, June 12, 1:00 PM: 

Dear Diary,

My voice coach has been massaging my shoulders to keep me loose.  The weirdos around us in line got all grossed out when he started putting Vaseline on my chest.  But he says it helps to loosen up the diaphragm.  I think they were grossed out by all the moaning too, but GET OVER IT PEOPLE!  This is A.I. and a mans gottado whata mans gotta do, if you know what I mean.  If they don't want to take this seriously, I think they are doing auditions for "America's Got Talent" across the street.

That camera man came back and guess what??? They are taking me straight to Jennifer, Randy and Steven!  They even said I could use the bathroom on the way!  This is the biggest moment of my adult life; well, aside from that time in the carnival that I rescued that poor kid from the top of the collapsing potato sack slide.

My mom is going to be sorry she ever left us!

Sunday, June 12, 1:30 PM: 

Actual size
Dear Diary,

I feel much better now that I was able to use the restroom, but I fear I still have a restijual stank to my pants. Those losers in line kept complaining about it.  No worries though.  Fortunately, the sweetness that will come out of my mouth will far outweigh any stench that steams from my pants.

I was just interviewed by RYAN SEACREST!  He was so little.  Like an adult Cabbage Patch doll.  I bet that's why that hot dancing chick likes him - because she likes to pinch his cheeks and dress him in adorable clothes.

I am just MOMENTS away from my BIG BREAK!  Fingers crossed. (The fingers I have left after the last carny accident.)

Sunday, June 12, 1:32 PM:

Dear @#^$ Diary,

This is BULL!  Total bull.  It could not have gone WORSE.

First of all, all three of those dumb judges said I stunk like "rotten potato salad in the bottom of a hamster cage" when I came in.  I told them about the yogurt.  In retrospectation, that probably was not a wise thing to bring up.  Randy was already giggling.  I hate that guy.

Think where that finger has been!
Then JLo starts in on my outfit.  EXCUSE ME, JLO!  Look who's talking!  It's you... and you have to order special pants just to cover your enormous BEHIND!

Finally, I start singing.  I chose Wilson Phillips' "Hold On For One More Day." I thought it was a perfect because I once had a bowl-cut like Phillips and I had had my stomach stapled like Wilson. And then I dedicated it to my deadbeat mom.  I dedicated it to heartless heart and her brainless brain.

Randy didn't even look at me.  Just hid his stupid face behind his stupid clip board and laughed at me.  Laughed at me like the Hoof-Handed Woman in the freak-show tent used to.  Laughed at me like the Bearded Woman would when I would put my finger in the deep fryer.

Back to the Carny for me.
When I was done, Steven had the ardASSity to tell me that singing "just isn't your thing"!  Hey bum-hole, I've got a voice coach out in the hall with a bottle of Vaseline that says otherwise. Moron.

Anyway Diary, it was painful.  But I do hope my mom was watching at her circus cause it's gonna sting her a lot more than it stung me.  I might be going back to my job running the Scrambler and my voice coach will go back to making cotton candy, but at least mom will know I made something of my life.

At least mom will know...

Friday, February 25, 2011

An Example of why I Drive my Wife Insane.

- It's my dad's birthday today.  I better call him.

- K.

- We have to go to my mom's on Saturday for my dad's birthday party.

- Uh huh. 

- We're supposed to bring salad. I hate bringing salad because no one ever eats salad.

- Hm. 

- So don't make any plans for Saturday because we will be at my parents for my dad's birthday.

- Okay.

- I'll guess I'll have to go to the store on Friday to get some salad.  What kind of salad do you think we should get?

- What?

- What kind of salad do you think we should get?

- I don't know.

- What kind of salad do you like?

- I don't know, I don't really eat salad that often. 

- Well, what kind of salad do you think my family would like?

- I don't know.  Why would I know that?

- Because I need to know for Saturday.

- Why, what is on Saturday?

- My dad's birthday party! Do you ever listen to me?!

- When is your dad's birthday?


- So what's the salad for?


- I DO listen!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Cheeseboy Thoughts on Utah and Two Other Things.

1. First of all, you can find me today at the LG Report.  The LG Report is a hilarious blog.  Its author, Mr. LG, likes to interview one blogger from every state.  I am proud to represent the state of UTAH in his quest.

So, click on over and learn everything there is to know about the great state of UTAH.  I have debunked many myths about our great state and probably started some new ones.

Just so you know, in the interview I mention living in Scranton, PA.  I am not from Scranton, but spent about two years around that area in my early 20's. I did, however, get to see "Scrantonicity" live three times.  Their drummer rules!

2. If you have been an avid Cheese reader from the beginning, you may be aware that I enjoy a good run.  As a so called "runner", I have high ambitions to compete in running competitions.  My goal is to win the Salt Lake City Marathon, but I would settle for coming in last in the Salt Lake City Marathon.

Anyway, I love to run in something called the Ragnar Relay.  This race lasts nearly two full days and you run in teams of twelve. It lasts through the night and if it is your turn to run, you may be running through the Utah backwoods at two or three in the morning.

It's great fun.  But here is the snag: the entry fee is a whopping $90! You see, I teach.  We don't exactly have $90 on hand.

So, here is what I am asking of my readers:  I am looking for one... ONE person (or company) to sponsor me.  For your $90 gift, I will do one of the following three things:

A. Shave your name into my chest hair and run shirtless.
B. Write your name on the back of my running shorts - one name for each cheek.
C. Scream your name over and over and over the entire time I run.

It is your choice!  This could all be yours for only $90. (Plus shipping and handling.)

3. If you missed yesterday's post about the Tigger Mom, I'd be honored if you read it.  (I don't usually post two days in a row, but I felt obligated today) And if you are confused - as I know some of you are - the post was inspired by this book by Amy Chua.  If you have not heard of this book, where have you been the last month or so?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

An Interview with a Tigger Mom

Q: Before we begin, how do you spell your son's name exactly?

A: It's "T-I-double-guh-er" which spells Tigger.

Q: Much is made of your son's success.  Tell us, what was your secret as a mother?

A: I was very strict with my son from a very early age.  At age 3 I had enrolled him in bouncing class.  By the time he was 5 he was an expert bouncer and could curl his tail six different ways. Most boys his age were still learning not to sniff each others' butts.

Q: Besides bouncing, what activities did you have your son participate in as a child?

A: I think it is very important to raise a well rounded child.  I enrolled him in classes in tree climbing, rabbit annoyance, hopscotch, and the clarinet. I addition, I taught my son basic principals of the hundred acres: Stay away from little black rain clouds, never hold a balloon filled with helium, keep your paws out of holes in trees.  You know, basic survival stuff.

Q: And how did your son take to being involved in so much at once?

A: He resented me at first.  He HATED the clarinet.  I mean, he despised that thing!  But I never let up.  He was going to learn that danged clarinet even if it meant every animal in the forests ears bled. And you know what?  He still can't play the clarinet.  But he learned a valuable lesson: Tiggers do not have the proper lips to play a clarinet.

Q: Was your husband supportive of your parenting techniques?

A: My husband left us when my son was two.  He always said, "A hundred acres could never hold me." Last I heard, he had shacked up with some floozy owl and was performing on Disney cruise ships.

Fortunately, we had Christopher Robin as a male role model. Although, you know, I always hated how he wore those ugly blue shorts way too high. Made him look like Richard Simmon's adopted son from Sweeden.  What kind of example is that to my boy?

Q: Your son has a speech impediment.  Did you ever consider taking him to a speech therapist?

A: That's redicarus!  I've never recoganized anything wrong with his speech.  I definitely would have had him checked at the first sign of anything suspicerous. This accusation makes you sound like a villyun.

Q: Your son is very well-meaning, but often does more harm than good.  Could this be a result of his extremely intense childhood?

A: Are you insane?  Redicarus!  My son may be mischievous at times, but he is handsome, confident and filled with energy and optimism.  If others get pushed out of his way as he rises to stardom, so be it.

Q: It has been said that Tiggers are wonderful things, but that their heads are made of rubber.  How has your son become so popular with a rubber head?

A: Hard work and bouncing. I tell my son, "You want success in life?  Do you want your mother to be known as the greatest mother of all time?  Do you want me to write a book about how I created the greatest Tigger in the history of the hundred acre?  Do you want me to make millions of dollars? Well, it's all up to YOU to make something out of that rubber brain of yours."

Q: Is there any advice that you want to give ladies with ambitions of becoming a Tigger Mom?

A: First, I would recommend getting spring implants.  Second, never allow your child to play with Piglets.  They are puny, pathetic and never really add anything of value to anything. Finally, teach your children to do exactly the opposite of Eeyore. That ass will never make anything of his life.

Friday, February 18, 2011

A Cheeseboy Decree: Death to the High-Five and Fist-Bump

On this, the 18th day of February in the year 2011 of our Lord, I Cheeseboy, by the powers invested in me by the state of Blogsylvania, declare the High-Five dead.

I, Cheeseboy, also declare the Fist-Bump lame and the "Fist-Bump into 'Splosions" PUTRIDLY lame. (See Howie Mandel)

Cheeseboy (which is I as hath been determined by previous paragraph), also declare the following as acceptable alternatives to the high-five and fist-bumps:

  • E.T. finger touches
  • Open-palmed tickles
  • Interlocking finger curls
  • Double interlocking finger curls
  • "This is the church and this is the steeples" 
  • Tongue touches
  • Tiger claws
  • Bear claws
  • Horse claws (difficult)
  • Elbow bumps
  • Head butts (softly)
  • Backward head butts (lined up appropriately) 
  • Corn doggers (arm hair required)
  • Back pats (without hug)
  • Back pats (with hug)
  • Nipple winks (extreme difficulty, special training required)
  • Sanitizer squirts (mutual & non-mutual)
  • Soccer Mom scratching 
  • Face punches (fake)
  • Face punches (real)
  • Handshakes 
I, Cheeseboy, hereby decree that this law will go into effect immediately. Thank you for your understanding. 

It hath been said.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates

As you may know, I put a lot of thought into my facebook status updates.  Sometimes, they are well received and occasionally they bomb.  But I like to share the favorites with you, my beloved blog readers because hey, that's just what kinda guy I am.

I give you a rundown of the recent favorites.

2-15-11 at 7:35 PMPeople often ask me if I have any regrets. I always tell them no, but then I get this awful nagging feeling like I should have said something else.

2-15-11 at 7:00 PMOne of my first graders told me today that Cupid wears a diaper because he is so busy shooting people, he doesn't have time to stop and use the bathroom.

2-14-11 at 5:14 PMI bet I got more Valentines than all of you! 23! Including THREE 'Fun Dips'. But man does that stuff burn your nostrils. And what the heck is that stick for anyway?

2-13-11 at 1:24 PMIf Walmart really wanted to class up the joint, they would hire harp-playing greeters. Or they could just teach their current greeters to play the harp. Either way, I think that a lot more rich people would shop there. 

((Because of all the harps.))

2-12-11 at 6:49 PMThey should change the name of 'The Children's Place' to 'Abe's Salary'

2-10-11 at 7:55 PMI have soooo many fond memories of Coach Jerry Sloan: The F-Bombs, the S word, the F-Bomb/S-word combos and of course the F-Bomb/S-word/B-word trifecta pack. He shall be missed.

2-9-11 at 5:46 PMHas anyone considered that maybe the root cause of Lindsay Lohan's problems is some traumatic childhood experience? Maybe something like being separated at birth from an identical twin? Or having to switch bodies with Jamie Lee Curtis BEFORE she started eating all that yogurt??

2-8-11 at 4:42 PMTo you people that say, "Oh it's on... It's on like Donkey Kong!" probably have absolutely no idea how HARD it is to throw giant BARRELS down a series of intertwined ladders and elevators. 

2-6-11 at 8:54 PMMy dream is to someday have Cameron Diaz hand feed me popcorn in at the Super Bowl.

2-2-11 at 4:01 PMMy son is learning cursive. I'd love to teach him how to sign his name, but there is not enough snow on the ground and I haven't had enough to drink today.

2-1-11 at 4:48 PMSo, I read that PETA wants to replace Punxsutawney Phil with with an animatronic replica?! I love this idea because I bet the real Phil would be so darned delicious.

1-31-11 at 7:38 AMHere's a little Monday morning parenting tip: When your kids start complaining that the Tooth Fairy is only giving them a dollar when the other kids in their class are getting ten dollars, tell them what I tell my kids: "The Tooth Fairy gives them more money because she feels sorry for them because their parents are idiots."

1-30-11 at 12:43 PM: I'm a little disappointed that Facebook doesn't have a way for me to "like" your "likes". And then I could "like" your "likes" of my "like" of your "like". That would be like 6 levels of "like"!!! It would be like Inception, but without all that gel in Leonardo DiCaprio's hair.

1-29-11 at 11:54 AMAsked my wife to get a lower back tattoo for my birthday. I wanted it to say, "Abe is a Amazing Super Stud!" but I'd hate to put her through that much pain. So I am allowing her to abbreviate the last three words.

1-28-11 at 4:02 PM: The phrase "sloppy seconds" has such different meanings on The Biggest Loser and The Bachelor.

1-27-11 at 8:27 PMRule 5-a of First Grade "Cheeseboy Ball" (AKA "Dodge Ball") When Mr. Cheeseboy blows the whistle, do NOT sneak up and throw the ball directly at him. You are exactly the wrong height for that.
((Rule just added today.))

1-26-11 at 8:06 PM: So you can now sue Taco Bell for having a fake product? I've got the perfect lawsuit against Hooters. Who wants in?

1-26-11 at 5:34 PMNo way the meat at Taco Bell is fake because I've eaten fake meat and it's never given me that kind of diarrhea.

1-25-11 at 4:26 PM: ADHD focus groups rarely work.

1-24-11 at 7:02 PMIn an effort to increase the equality of current game show shame, 'The Bachelor' contestants should be required to stand on a giant scale wearing nothing but ugly spandex, while being screamed at by a man named Jillian and 'The Biggest Loser' contestants should be required to sit for a half hour in the stank that is known as "The Bachelor Hot Tub."

1-22-11 at 7:19 PM: If I die and am cremated, I'd like my ashes spread over the Nevada Truck Stop we stopped at today. I'd love to leave the world a better place and dead Abe's ashes would definitely smell better than that heck-hole. Consider it my final good deed. This is my will and testament. So let it be done.

1-19-11 at 8:38 PMFavorite part of Disneyland today was when a male cast member working on the Storybook Land ride told my son, "Get off the railing little prince; don't want any Humpty Dumpties today."

1-18-11 at 10:52 PMI have officially renamed the Tower of Terror "The Tower of Please don't let me vomit on this 9-year-old girl sitting next to me.

1-17-11 at 5:41 PM: Spending Martin Luther King Day the way he would have wanted... standing in line for Space Mountain with thousands of Chinese folks.

1-16-11 at 10:00 AMLegoland today. I am planning on pulling out the corner piece and watching the entire park collapse in front of our eyes.

1-13-11 at 6:10 PMThere's a teacher somewhere in your neighborhood tonight that loves teaching and cares deeply about the learning of his students. He is using his "free time", and investing his own money for children's literacy, prosperity, and futures. His name is Abe, he lives in Utah and you should go buy him nice things right now.

Please REPOST if you care about teachers! (Or Abe)

Hope you had a favorite. I'd love to hear which one.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines to Sister Wives

Dearest Mari,

I love you!  You mean the world to me.  You shall always be my very first wife.

You have given me six beautiful children. I realize you have put on a little weight since we were married, but that is okay.  I don't care about the weight.  I like options.

Since it is Valentines Day, tonight is your special night. Meet me at my bedroom door at 4:00.  It should be a special evening.


Dearest Christine,

I love you!  You mean the world to me.  You shall always be a wife.

You have given me two beautiful children: Sarah and that new one.  I thank you for remaining skinny.  I like to have options.

Since it is Valentines Day, tonight is YOUR special night.  Meet me at my bedroom door at 5:00.  It should be a special evening.


PS: You have always been my favorite, but don't tell the others.
Dearest Janelle,

I love you!  You mean the world to me.  You shall always remain the love of my life. (From Dec. 04 - Oct. 05)

You have given me no children and that's okay.  Fortunately, the others have pulled through.

As the ugliest of my wives, I appreciate all of the ways that you try and make up for it.  It really means a lot.

Since it is Valentines Day, tonight is YOUR special night.  I know how you like playing your harp, so bring your harp to my bedroom at 5:00.  You shall serenade Christine and I as we dine.

Dearest Robyn,

I love you!  You mean the world to me.  You shall always be a part of my life. (You're the one with the long, dark brown hair, right?)

You have given me four children: the two beautiful ones and then the other two.

I appreciate how when your mother calls and tries to talk you out of leaving me, that you always tell her that I treat you right most of the time.

Since it is Valentines Day, tonight is YOUR special night.  Meet me at my bedroom door at 6:00.  No, better make it 6:30.  I might be quite tired by then, but I promise to spend at least fifteen minutes with you, my love.


Friday, February 11, 2011

Why I can no longer be America's only Man-Gleek.

"Glee:  Women tested. Women approved."

That should be the show's slogan.  It's not.  Instead the slogan is, "Glee: Sue Sylvester is a jerk."

Alas, I must admit, I was once was a Gleek.  Yes, I had a framed picture of Rachel on my wall, a signed Kurt silk scarf and even an Arnie toy wheelchair.*  I was totally on board the Glee train to Loserville and I represented a key demographic the producers were targeting: Male, straight and a married First Grade teacher.  

Sadly, Superbowl Sunday marked the official end to my Gleekdom. I was deeply offended by the episode that aired immediately after the game.  I was not offended as fan or even as a human being; rather, I was offended as a sports-loving, American male.  The show was a painful display of football ignorance not seen since since this pathetic showing:

Now, I am well aware of the fact that the very essence of Glee asks that the viewer suspend rational belief. I am also aware that the very essence of Glee requires a male viewer to urinate out any testosterone he may have left in his body for the duration of the show.  Nevertheless, this episode went beyond suspending rational thought into the idiotic and absurd.  Allow me to demonstrate some choice cuts from this episode:

Insane Glee Football World: In the opening scene, McKinley High simply needs to kneel down and they win the game.  In the huddle (which lasts over 2 minutes), Finn and Karofsky start arguing about the Glee club.  Finn is distracted, loses control of the ball when it is hiked and they other team returns it for a touchdown.  Coach Beast (a woman) tosses over the Gatorade table in disgust.

My reaction: No one is thinking about singing in the Glee Club during a huddle... or the game for that matter!  The team should be flagged for delay of game for having a 2 minute huddle.  If they hike the ball and kneel down then everyone just goes home.  Oh, except for the coach, who should be suspended for the next three games for throwing over the Gatorade table. 

Insane Glee Football World: After the game, the entire team is bickering in the locker room.  Puckerman gets in a fist fight with Karofsky.  Coach Beast (a woman) enters the boys locker room and yells, "Everyone get the hell out of here!  Bunch of Babies!"

My Reaction: The players should be suspended for fighting and Coach Beast (a woman) should get sued because she entered the boys locker room.  

The black guy looks concerned.

Insane Glee Football World: Will Schuester and Coach Beast chat about ways to unite the team.  They decide that their best option to win a championship is to have all of the players unite with the Glee Club to sing show tunes. 

My Reaction: Actually, yeah, this makes perfect sense.  Absolute perfect sense.

Insane Glee Football World: Rachel and Puck sing I Need You Now by Lady Antebellum to the football team. 

My Reaction: No.

Insane Glee Football World: The cheerleaders drop out of the halftime show to compete in their cheerleader competition.  The football players have to put on their own halftime show.  They choose to perform a mashup of Michael Jackson's Thriller with the Yeah Yeah Yeah's Heads Will Roll

My Reaction: Okay, now this is making more sense.  I mean, any perfectly rational coach would want his team out there dancing instead of planning and resting during halftime.  (Also, I scream at my television for ruining my favorite Yeah Yeah Yeah's song.  I wonder how a dork like Schuester would even know such a song exists.)

Insane Glee Football World: Most of the football team quits but they are still allowed to compete with four girls and a boy in a wheelchair.  Oh, and they are still two players short of fielding a full team.

My Reaction: I got the football players dancing at halftime, but this is a little crazy.  Crazy like a fox!  (If the fox was retarded.)

Insane Glee Football World: Even though they are two players short and playing with four girls that simply lie down on the ground on every play (not to mention a boy in a wheelchair), the team is only down 17-0 at halftime in the championship game.

My reaction: At this point of the show, I want to decapitate the writers.  I'm afraid it has already been done a couple months ago.  

Insane Glee Football World: Right before halftime, Finn gives the game ball to the blond kid with the giant lips who, even though they were two players short, had been sitting on the sideline watching because... that is just what backup quarterbacks do.

My reaction: I shot my television.  There is a gaping hole in the middle of my 62 inch HD TV.  

 - - Do I really need to tell you how this all ended?  Likely not, given that 90% of my readers actually watched this bull unfold before your eyes.  But, just in case, here is how I HEARD it ended:

Finn talks the cheerleaders into coming back for the halftime show.  Puck talks the players that quit into performing as well.  After they sing and dance, the players keep on their makeup and use it as a tactical advantage. Of course, given renewed enthusiasm and spark by the power of the dance, the McKinley players come back strong in the second half but still trail with seconds to go.  They begin to chant "Brains!  Brains!" as the opposing team is about to kneel down to end the game.  This causes a huge distraction and the opposing team fumbles the ball, McKinely picks it up and scores the winning touchdown.  It would not have been possible without the blond boys enormous, freakish lips.

That was it for me.  I am officially DONE with Glee.  Sorry producers, but you have lost a member of your key demographic. (The pasty-white, 30 something man with a sweet Hyundia Elantra in the driveway.)

*Wheelchair was not actually an Arnie replica, but just a normal toy wheelchair that I wrote "Arnie" on the back of with a black Sharpie.**

**They do make toy wheelchairs.  They are part of the G.I. Joe "Aging Veteran" series.***

***"Aging Veteran" series only available in VA hospital gift shops and Target.****

****Target has since discontinued G.I. Joe "Aging Veteran" series due to complaints.*****

*****Complaints were mainly about a choking hazard of the tiny back brace.******

******Back brace also contained lead as the  G.I. Joe "Aging Veteran" series was made in China.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Cute, Funny, Sad: The Home Game

I enjoy playing with words and sentences. One might even refer to me as a "word player". So, I was goofing around with words the other day and created a new game called "Cute, Funny, Sad."  It's easy to play - you start a sentence with something cute, then make it funny and finish it off with a twist of sadness.  Really, it's a game the whole family will love!  Here are ten that I created while my wife was watching The Biggest Loser:

       CUTE                         FUNNY                          SAD
1. The bunny rabbit.......... hopped on one leg..............because one had been shot off in Vietnam.

2. The old a 'wet willy'..........from the nurse that was there to change his bedpan.

3. The mushroom..............played beach Charlie Sheen's withdrawal hallucination.

4. Punxsutawney Phil.......was pulled from his den........frozen and dead of hypothermia.

5. Mrs. Claus's..................tummy growled..................... because Vixon smelled delicious in the oven.

6. The little his dog's funeral.

7. Build-A-Bear Workshop.....was a group of angry, anti-cloning bears.

8. The the homeless clown.

9. Justin Bieber...............cut off his hair................because his Barbie Doll needed hair extensions.

10. Tinkerbell...................shaved her get rid of the fairy lice.

If you've got a "Cute, Funny, Sad", I'd love to read it in the comments. 

Saturday, February 5, 2011

A Cheeseboy Official Announcement: What I will do when I get to 600 followers.

We interrupt your normally scheduled blog reading about 'The Bachelor' to bring you this important Cheeseboy announcement. 

After giving it much thought, I, Cheeseboy, decided that when I reach 600 followers, I will dress up as a hobo and beg for money with a sign that says, "I have been given a God-given blogging voice. Any change will help."  Of course, this will all be video'd and I will be posting the video on this blog.

Now, some folks have requested that I post links to videos of all my past follower stunts.  Your request is granted:


1. 100 Followers: I sit in our school's dumpster.
2. 200 Followers: Me in the back of Burt Reynold's truck.
3. 300 Followers:  I climb into a McDonald's urine tube.
4. 400 Followers: My wife waxes my arm hair.
5. 500 Followers: I pick up Chinese food dressed as Barney the Dinosaur.

Finally, the answer to yesterday's riddle.  The one thing that I had not done in my life was have a belt sander shave off my eyebrows.  However, I did once shave off my eyebrows on a dare, but unfortunately, it was not with a belt sander.

Friday, February 4, 2011

It's not a "purse", it's a "satchel". And it's not a "meme", it's a "writing prompt".

Hello beloved Cheese readers!  I have three things.

I have been invited by The Purse Blogger to write about what it's like to be a Mormon Man Blogger. The Purse has become a good blog friend and you should definitely check her out.  I am honored to be invited to guest.  I believe you will find the post enlightening.  Also, if you stop following me because I am Mormon, then you are lame.  Anyway, you can find me here today:

Secondly, I never participate in meme's.  I do appreciate receiving awards, but I rarely post them or jump through the hoops required upon acceptance.  But this week, I was told by Joanna at Laundry Hurts My Feelings that I would do it or the Laundry Mafia would hunt me down and torture me.  This meme requires that I post 9 truths about myself and 1 lie.  Can you find the lie.

9 truths and 1 lie
1. At age 34, I sat in a McDonald's Playland Urine Tube.
2. I have sat inside a dumpster full of rotting chocolate milk.
3. One time, I sat in the back of Burt Reynold's truck.
4. I once had my wife wax my arm hair.
5. I once dressed up as Barney the Dinosaur and picked up Chinese food.
6. At the age of 12, I broke both my legs skiing at the same time.
7. In a freak Junior High shop accident, I belt sanded my eyebrows off.
8. I have licked bugs off a windshield.
9. I have gotten an Amish kid in trouble with his parents.
10. I have seen the movie, "The Karate Kid 2" over 30 times.

Hmm.  Interesting choices, eh?

Finally, I want to really thank all my followers for sticking with me to 500 and beyond!  Never would I have thought that this blog would ever be that popular. It was a pleasure dressing up as Barney for you.  I'm in the process of coming up with my next stunt for 600.  So far, all I have come up with is driving to Southern Utah and cutting off my arm after getting it stuck under a rock.  Are there any other better suggestions?