Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Diary of a Wimpy American Idol Loser.

This is me.
Sunday June 12, 2010 4:30 AM:

Dear Diary,

It's 4:30 in the morning and I am standing in a line full of total wannabe DORKS!  Officially, I am number 2,572 but I know I am going to be number one in the hearts of those judges.

My secret plan is in full effect. I'm wearing my Lady Liberty costume, I've got my voice coach with me (Stefan) and I've eaten tons of that Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt to make me as regular as humanly possible. Nothing stands in my way between myself and becoming the next American Idol!  - - Except of course the 2, 571 dill-wad, voice-cracklers in line in front of me.

Sunday, June 12, 2010 4:37 AM:

Dear Diary,

Some important looking dudes just came out with megaphones and started yelling at everyone.  I was in the middle of doing my G scales, so I was a little PRETURD by the whole scene.  Some punk kid behind me pushed me in the back and told me to "Shut my Liberty-Loving Mouth!'  Apparently, he couldn't hear the instructions over the beauty that is my voice or something.

I'm starting to think I may have eaten too much yogurt.

Sunday, June 12, 2010 6:30 AM:

I'm the one with the good voice here.
Dear Diary,

We just saw Randy drive up.  There was a huge cheer from the audience, but I didn't yell.  Gotta save that voice for when it matters most.  The guys with the megaphones came out again and informed us that there are like TWELVE rounds of judges before we even get to SEE Steven Tyler!  That's so bogus, but I am not worried at all because with these looks and this voice, I'd go through five hundred levels of judges, no problem.

I really have to use the bathroom, but rumor has it that if I move, I lose my place in line.  That punk kid behind me said there was no way he was saving my spot. I sang an extra loud G scale IN HIS FACE!

Sunday, June 12, 2010 8:30 AM: 

Dear Diary,

It's official.  All that yogurt was a BAD IDEA!  Fortunately, the line has started to move, which is great because I have been warming my voice up for over four hours now.  Great news!  Some cameraman was taken by my kick-butt costume and actually asked to interview me!  I told him about how my mom told me I wouldn't amount to anything in life and then left our carnival to work with the circus.  I told him about how the Carnies raised me and my brothers and how I'm singing for my brother, Jimmy, who had a foot chopped off by a mis-aligned Carousel seat.

I even sang a couple lines of "That's What Friends Are For" for him.  I think he was impressed too because he brought his buddy over and said, "Number 2,572 George.  Write it down. 2572"  I'm number 2,572!  I must have made quite the impression.

Sunday, June 12, 10:30 AM:

Dear Diary,

I just passed the first round of table of judges and it could not... have... gone... better! One of the judges couldn't even look at me, I was that impfestive.  Another just looked straight down at her notepad and nodded her head to the tune I was creating with my God-given voice.  When I was done, they told me that I had been one of the most entertaining acts of the day.  I even heard the girl whisper to the others, "He's terrific. We should just send this one straight through to JLo."

I am thinking of switching things up and singing "The Final Countdown" for my next audition desk.
 (Also, I pooped a little in my pants, but we will keep that between you and I, Diary.)

Sunday, June 12, 1:00 PM: 

Dear Diary,

My voice coach has been massaging my shoulders to keep me loose.  The weirdos around us in line got all grossed out when he started putting Vaseline on my chest.  But he says it helps to loosen up the diaphragm.  I think they were grossed out by all the moaning too, but GET OVER IT PEOPLE!  This is A.I. and a mans gottado whata mans gotta do, if you know what I mean.  If they don't want to take this seriously, I think they are doing auditions for "America's Got Talent" across the street.

That camera man came back and guess what??? They are taking me straight to Jennifer, Randy and Steven!  They even said I could use the bathroom on the way!  This is the biggest moment of my adult life; well, aside from that time in the carnival that I rescued that poor kid from the top of the collapsing potato sack slide.

My mom is going to be sorry she ever left us!

Sunday, June 12, 1:30 PM: 

Actual size
Dear Diary,

I feel much better now that I was able to use the restroom, but I fear I still have a restijual stank to my pants. Those losers in line kept complaining about it.  No worries though.  Fortunately, the sweetness that will come out of my mouth will far outweigh any stench that steams from my pants.

I was just interviewed by RYAN SEACREST!  He was so little.  Like an adult Cabbage Patch doll.  I bet that's why that hot dancing chick likes him - because she likes to pinch his cheeks and dress him in adorable clothes.

I am just MOMENTS away from my BIG BREAK!  Fingers crossed. (The fingers I have left after the last carny accident.)

Sunday, June 12, 1:32 PM:


Dear @#^$ Diary,

This is BULL!  Total bull.  It could not have gone WORSE.

First of all, all three of those dumb judges said I stunk like "rotten potato salad in the bottom of a hamster cage" when I came in.  I told them about the yogurt.  In retrospectation, that probably was not a wise thing to bring up.  Randy was already giggling.  I hate that guy.

Think where that finger has been!
Then JLo starts in on my outfit.  EXCUSE ME, JLO!  Look who's talking!  It's you... and you have to order special pants just to cover your enormous BEHIND!

Finally, I start singing.  I chose Wilson Phillips' "Hold On For One More Day." I thought it was a perfect because I once had a bowl-cut like Phillips and I had had my stomach stapled like Wilson. And then I dedicated it to my deadbeat mom.  I dedicated it to heartless heart and her brainless brain.

Randy didn't even look at me.  Just hid his stupid face behind his stupid clip board and laughed at me.  Laughed at me like the Hoof-Handed Woman in the freak-show tent used to.  Laughed at me like the Bearded Woman would when I would put my finger in the deep fryer.

Back to the Carny for me.
When I was done, Steven had the ardASSity to tell me that singing "just isn't your thing"!  Hey bum-hole, I've got a voice coach out in the hall with a bottle of Vaseline that says otherwise. Moron.

Anyway Diary, it was painful.  But I do hope my mom was watching at her circus cause it's gonna sting her a lot more than it stung me.  I might be going back to my job running the Scrambler and my voice coach will go back to making cotton candy, but at least mom will know I made something of my life.

At least mom will know...

43 comments:

Dazee Dreamer said...

that was truly brilliant.

and I can't believe they didn't love your voice. apparently they didn't get to see some of your "videos"

Nicole said...

Oh.. My... God. Reposting. You know I have to.

T said...

awwww... you almost make me feel guilty for being the kind of AI watcher that only watches the first few weeks... enjoying the pain and embarrassment. almost.

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

OK, here goes... am about to make a you-know-what out of myself (looking at PG-13 comments rating)... is that REALLY YOU? Truthfully, are you the Liberty guy? I remember seeing you, I do... and it kinda looks like you... but the green dress distracts me. Tell me, I need to know.. is it you or Memorex?
Either way, it's a fabulously funny post. Love the poo-poo in the pants... (HEH)

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

I am in awe. That's it. Awe. Just to be in the digital presence of greatness. I'm truly humble.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You should've brought your kids! Added sympathy.

Alittlesprite said...

Obviously SOME people don't know talent when they hear it...
:)

"Miss Bee" said...

I think you have captured exactly what goes on in the minds of these contestants. You've summed it up brilliantly. (Here in the south, contestants like "you" are the ones that call for a "Bless his heart.")

Teachinfourth said...

So brave putting your journal online like this...

Casey said...

It's contestants like these that make for good tv. Take it from me, an AI groupie since inception.

The Church Lady said...

Casey is me. Sorry.

Pedaling said...

haaahaaa.....

sometimes I wish you could have the pop up kind of comment window, so I can refer, word for word to some of my favorites from your post.

as one who has actually been to an AI stadium run through...I find your words to ring true....though, not for me, of course. :)

Kristen said...

Can you post the week prior's entry where you talk about how you selected Lady Liberty as you outfit? THAT is a good Entry!!! (I'm sure...)

Bossy Betty said...

You were robbed, my friend. ROBBED!!!

mintifresh said...

Nothing like a shart to ruin an opportunity! Stupid Jaime Lee and her cursed yogurt!

Oilfield Trash said...

Wow this was pretty damn good.

Joann Mannix said...

I am really preturded by the fact that Simon is no longer there to hate on everyone. I'm also preturded by the fact that they have lowered the age AGAIN. By 2014, it's going to look more like Toddlers and Tiaras.

Sorry about the poop in the pants, AGAIN.

Kate said...

This post absolutely goes with that face. Classic.

Julie said...

Bravo!

M-Cat said...

Funniest thing I have read all day!

And now, I desperately want to watch AI - I forgot all about the reeeealllly bad ones they showcase for us

Sandra said...

Fantastic!...except for the very fragrant visual of the steaming pants.
I can't seem to shake the stench of dried diarrhea now...is it me? I did have yogurt earlier?

Crystal Pistol said...

I'm super PRETURD they didn't appreciate your God given talent! I'm sorry you poo-pooed a little. I hate when that happens.

Just DON'T. GIVE. UP. EVER!

We'll see you again with your name IN LIGHTS, my friend! We. will. see. you. again!

Jenn said...

Are you sure you have never been a contestant on Idol??? :)

Pat Tillett said...

Oh crap! That was so funny!
Thanks to you, I started my day out with a laugh! Thanks...

Lisa Loo said...

This bearded lady is cheering for a comeback--you just keep up the hard work--ya hear??!!!

Heidi (lilmommyfoofoo) said...

Monday, June 13th 10:02 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Next year I am thinking an Uncle Sam costume, and a more memorable song. Maybe something by Celine.

Maybe they just need time to think about my graetness. Idol 2012 is mine baby!

Gotta go, the scrambler is stuck at "puke speed" again.

Mindy said...

I think they were just in awe of your clever costume and song selections - I am certain no one has ever used them before. Keep eating the JLC yogurt. You're sure to make it.

Saimi said...

Apparently the judges don't believe nn Liberty and Justice for all...

MiMi said...

For some reason I'm hung up on the words bumhole and vaseline in the same sentence.

Kelley said...

Hahahaha!!! This was so, so good. I mean, it was really good. I loved all of the details in it. I love that you thought to represent his point of view. Someone has to think about Lady Liberty Dressed As a Male Who Can Sing the HECK Out of the G-Scales!

Impulsive Addict said...

Very creative my friend. Well done!

My favorite line of the whole post was about Ryan being an adult Cabbage Patch doll. And I'm quite positive he's gay. Which is ok. I just wish he would finally own up to it.

How long did it take you to write this post?

GrammyMouseTails said...

dear 'stinky' O'cheese... maybe you shoulda wore your Barney outfit, you cut quite a figure in that one ;)
just singing, I mean saying...

SueLovesCherries said...

Awww, I want an adult Cabbage Patch doll, too! Thank you for opening up and sharing - I'm sure that was difficult as you're such a sensitive guy. (Oh, congrats on the lady blogger award!)

Loved your comment re purple vs. red. You shoulda read the post before that one!

Katie Gates said...

Hi Cheeseboy, I'm over here from the LG report. Love the send-up of Idol. As one who has followed the show for years, I think you nailed the bizarreness of the collective contestants. The misguided self-impressions of the truly untalented -- that's the "reality" part of this reality show. I prefer it once it morphs into a true talent competition, and that part begins this week...

Bits-n-Pieces said...

what's up with those judges? Don't they know that EVERYONE gets a gold star just for trying? Where's the love? Everyone's a winner and noone is a loser!
geez!

Cluttered Brain said...

You wrote this? Seriously?
Wow.
Cool.
Very creative.
I was thinking one of the pictures was gonna be photoshopped to be a pic of you...lol.
Love ya cheeseboy!

Silver Strands said...

all of it FUNNY ... 2 best parts:
dedicating it to his brother
actual size photo of cute little Ryan

ThreeOldKeys said...

the ardAssity of those judges ... i'm with you, Liberty.

by the way, you do a great job for the Liberty Tax Service places ... you really know how to wave their sign around. i love the costume and the crown. and i think you should sing while you're dancing, because Steven Tyler is sure to show up to get his taxes done.

ModernMom said...

...and I truly wonder how many contestants have had that exact same day:)

Shell said...

Hilarious! The residual stink thing...OMG. Too funny!

Heather said...

Nice to meet you!!
Thanks for entertainment!

(I guess it just wasn't your day.)

Unknown Mami said...

I'm a little preturd, but amused.

Sarah said...

omg Ryan Seacrest IS a Cabbage Patch doll! This whole time I've been trying to figure it out and you NAILED it my friend. Well done!