I give you a rundown of the recent favorites.
2-15-11 at 7:35 PM: People often ask me if I have any regrets. I always tell them no, but then I get this awful nagging feeling like I should have said something else.
2-15-11 at 7:00 PM: One of my first graders told me today that Cupid wears a diaper because he is so busy shooting people, he doesn't have time to stop and use the bathroom.
2-14-11 at 5:14 PM: I bet I got more Valentines than all of you! 23! Including THREE 'Fun Dips'. But man does that stuff burn your nostrils. And what the heck is that stick for anyway?
2-13-11 at 1:24 PM: If Walmart really wanted to class up the joint, they would hire harp-playing greeters. Or they could just teach their current greeters to play the harp. Either way, I think that a lot more rich people would shop there.
((Because of all the harps.))
2-12-11 at 6:49 PM: They should change the name of 'The Children's Place' to 'Abe's Salary'
2-10-11 at 7:55 PM: I have soooo many fond memories of Coach Jerry Sloan: The F-Bombs, the S word, the F-Bomb/S-word combos and of course the F-Bomb/S-word/B-word trifecta pack. He shall be missed.
2-9-11 at 5:46 PM: Has anyone considered that maybe the root cause of Lindsay Lohan's problems is some traumatic childhood experience? Maybe something like being separated at birth from an identical twin? Or having to switch bodies with Jamie Lee Curtis BEFORE she started eating all that yogurt??
2-8-11 at 4:42 PM: To you people that say, "Oh it's on... It's on like Donkey Kong!" probably have absolutely no idea how HARD it is to throw giant BARRELS down a series of intertwined ladders and elevators.
2-6-11 at 8:54 PM: My dream is to someday have Cameron Diaz hand feed me popcorn in at the Super Bowl.
2-2-11 at 4:01 PM: My son is learning cursive. I'd love to teach him how to sign his name, but there is not enough snow on the ground and I haven't had enough to drink today.
2-1-11 at 4:48 PM: So, I read that PETA wants to replace Punxsutawney Phil with with an animatronic replica?! I love this idea because I bet the real Phil would be so darned delicious.
1-31-11 at 7:38 AM: Here's a little Monday morning parenting tip: When your kids start complaining that the Tooth Fairy is only giving them a dollar when the other kids in their class are getting ten dollars, tell them what I tell my kids: "The Tooth Fairy gives them more money because she feels sorry for them because their parents are idiots."
1-30-11 at 12:43 PM: I'm a little disappointed that Facebook doesn't have a way for me to "like" your "likes". And then I could "like" your "likes" of my "like" of your "like". That would be like 6 levels of "like"!!! It would be like Inception, but without all that gel in Leonardo DiCaprio's hair.
1-29-11 at 11:54 AM: Asked my wife to get a lower back tattoo for my birthday. I wanted it to say, "Abe is a Amazing Super Stud!" but I'd hate to put her through that much pain. So I am allowing her to abbreviate the last three words.
1-28-11 at 4:02 PM: The phrase "sloppy seconds" has such different meanings on The Biggest Loser and The Bachelor.
1-27-11 at 8:27 PM: Rule 5-a of First Grade "Cheeseboy Ball" (AKA "Dodge Ball") When Mr. Cheeseboy blows the whistle, do NOT sneak up and throw the ball directly at him. You are exactly the wrong height for that.((Rule just added today.))
1-26-11 at 8:06 PM: So you can now sue Taco Bell for having a fake product? I've got the perfect lawsuit against Hooters. Who wants in?
1-26-11 at 5:34 PM: No way the meat at Taco Bell is fake because I've eaten fake meat and it's never given me that kind of diarrhea.
1-25-11 at 4:26 PM: ADHD focus groups rarely work.
1-24-11 at 7:02 PM: In an effort to increase the equality of current game show shame, 'The Bachelor' contestants should be required to stand on a giant scale wearing nothing but ugly spandex, while being screamed at by a man named Jillian and 'The Biggest Loser' contestants should be required to sit for a half hour in the stank that is known as "The Bachelor Hot Tub."
1-22-11 at 7:19 PM: If I die and am cremated, I'd like my ashes spread over the Nevada Truck Stop we stopped at today. I'd love to leave the world a better place and dead Abe's ashes would definitely smell better than that heck-hole. Consider it my final good deed. This is my will and testament. So let it be done.
1-19-11 at 8:38 PM: Favorite part of Disneyland today was when a male cast member working on the Storybook Land ride told my son, "Get off the railing little prince; don't want any Humpty Dumpties today."
1-18-11 at 10:52 PM: I have officially renamed the Tower of Terror "The Tower of Please don't let me vomit on this 9-year-old girl sitting next to me.
1-17-11 at 5:41 PM: Spending Martin Luther King Day the way he would have wanted... standing in line for Space Mountain with thousands of Chinese folks.
1-16-11 at 10:00 AM: Legoland today. I am planning on pulling out the corner piece and watching the entire park collapse in front of our eyes.
1-13-11 at 6:10 PM: There's a teacher somewhere in your neighborhood tonight that loves teaching and cares deeply about the learning of his students. He is using his "free time", and investing his own money for children's literacy, prosperity, and futures. His name is Abe, he lives in Utah and you should go buy him nice things right now.
Please REPOST if you care about teachers! (Or Abe)
Hope you had a favorite. I'd love to hear which one.