Wednesday, February 16, 2011

This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates

As you may know, I put a lot of thought into my facebook status updates.  Sometimes, they are well received and occasionally they bomb.  But I like to share the favorites with you, my beloved blog readers because hey, that's just what kinda guy I am.

I give you a rundown of the recent favorites.



2-15-11 at 7:35 PMPeople often ask me if I have any regrets. I always tell them no, but then I get this awful nagging feeling like I should have said something else.

2-15-11 at 7:00 PMOne of my first graders told me today that Cupid wears a diaper because he is so busy shooting people, he doesn't have time to stop and use the bathroom.

2-14-11 at 5:14 PMI bet I got more Valentines than all of you! 23! Including THREE 'Fun Dips'. But man does that stuff burn your nostrils. And what the heck is that stick for anyway?

2-13-11 at 1:24 PMIf Walmart really wanted to class up the joint, they would hire harp-playing greeters. Or they could just teach their current greeters to play the harp. Either way, I think that a lot more rich people would shop there. 

((Because of all the harps.))

2-12-11 at 6:49 PMThey should change the name of 'The Children's Place' to 'Abe's Salary'

2-10-11 at 7:55 PMI have soooo many fond memories of Coach Jerry Sloan: The F-Bombs, the S word, the F-Bomb/S-word combos and of course the F-Bomb/S-word/B-word trifecta pack. He shall be missed.

2-9-11 at 5:46 PMHas anyone considered that maybe the root cause of Lindsay Lohan's problems is some traumatic childhood experience? Maybe something like being separated at birth from an identical twin? Or having to switch bodies with Jamie Lee Curtis BEFORE she started eating all that yogurt??

2-8-11 at 4:42 PMTo you people that say, "Oh it's on... It's on like Donkey Kong!" probably have absolutely no idea how HARD it is to throw giant BARRELS down a series of intertwined ladders and elevators. 

2-6-11 at 8:54 PMMy dream is to someday have Cameron Diaz hand feed me popcorn in at the Super Bowl.

2-2-11 at 4:01 PMMy son is learning cursive. I'd love to teach him how to sign his name, but there is not enough snow on the ground and I haven't had enough to drink today.

2-1-11 at 4:48 PMSo, I read that PETA wants to replace Punxsutawney Phil with with an animatronic replica?! I love this idea because I bet the real Phil would be so darned delicious.

1-31-11 at 7:38 AMHere's a little Monday morning parenting tip: When your kids start complaining that the Tooth Fairy is only giving them a dollar when the other kids in their class are getting ten dollars, tell them what I tell my kids: "The Tooth Fairy gives them more money because she feels sorry for them because their parents are idiots."

1-30-11 at 12:43 PM: I'm a little disappointed that Facebook doesn't have a way for me to "like" your "likes". And then I could "like" your "likes" of my "like" of your "like". That would be like 6 levels of "like"!!! It would be like Inception, but without all that gel in Leonardo DiCaprio's hair.

1-29-11 at 11:54 AMAsked my wife to get a lower back tattoo for my birthday. I wanted it to say, "Abe is a Amazing Super Stud!" but I'd hate to put her through that much pain. So I am allowing her to abbreviate the last three words.

1-28-11 at 4:02 PM: The phrase "sloppy seconds" has such different meanings on The Biggest Loser and The Bachelor.

1-27-11 at 8:27 PMRule 5-a of First Grade "Cheeseboy Ball" (AKA "Dodge Ball") When Mr. Cheeseboy blows the whistle, do NOT sneak up and throw the ball directly at him. You are exactly the wrong height for that.
((Rule just added today.))

1-26-11 at 8:06 PM: So you can now sue Taco Bell for having a fake product? I've got the perfect lawsuit against Hooters. Who wants in?

1-26-11 at 5:34 PMNo way the meat at Taco Bell is fake because I've eaten fake meat and it's never given me that kind of diarrhea.

1-25-11 at 4:26 PM: ADHD focus groups rarely work.

1-24-11 at 7:02 PMIn an effort to increase the equality of current game show shame, 'The Bachelor' contestants should be required to stand on a giant scale wearing nothing but ugly spandex, while being screamed at by a man named Jillian and 'The Biggest Loser' contestants should be required to sit for a half hour in the stank that is known as "The Bachelor Hot Tub."

1-22-11 at 7:19 PM: If I die and am cremated, I'd like my ashes spread over the Nevada Truck Stop we stopped at today. I'd love to leave the world a better place and dead Abe's ashes would definitely smell better than that heck-hole. Consider it my final good deed. This is my will and testament. So let it be done.

1-19-11 at 8:38 PMFavorite part of Disneyland today was when a male cast member working on the Storybook Land ride told my son, "Get off the railing little prince; don't want any Humpty Dumpties today."

1-18-11 at 10:52 PMI have officially renamed the Tower of Terror "The Tower of Please don't let me vomit on this 9-year-old girl sitting next to me.

1-17-11 at 5:41 PM: Spending Martin Luther King Day the way he would have wanted... standing in line for Space Mountain with thousands of Chinese folks.

1-16-11 at 10:00 AMLegoland today. I am planning on pulling out the corner piece and watching the entire park collapse in front of our eyes.

1-13-11 at 6:10 PMThere's a teacher somewhere in your neighborhood tonight that loves teaching and cares deeply about the learning of his students. He is using his "free time", and investing his own money for children's literacy, prosperity, and futures. His name is Abe, he lives in Utah and you should go buy him nice things right now.

Please REPOST if you care about teachers! (Or Abe)

Hope you had a favorite. I'd love to hear which one.

53 comments:

Donda said...

I totally missed the Donkey Kong one. That is hilarious....and true.

Beth Zimmerman said...

I thought the Tooth Fairy was my favorite but then I saw A.S.S. - You, my friend, are a HOOT!

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

I never had teachers like you when I was in school. Then again, it never occurred to me to nail the teach with a dodge ball when he wasn't looking.
Are these really your facebook updates? Cause if they are, I seriously want to be your friend ... and if that doesn't make me sound like a stalker to fear, I don't know from Letterman.

Kristina P. said...

I'm just waiting for your post or FB status where you call all your students lazy losers and then lose your job.

GrammyMouseTails said...

gotta love the 1st graders Cupids thought... I like it better than his wicked arrow aiming for my butt!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

All are very funny, though my favorite - still - is the ADHD focus groups.
xoRobyn

Mindy said...

So, I am sitting here laughing so hard, I'm crying. I'm trying to resist the impulse to read them all out loud to my husband while he plays Super Meat Boy (I'm sure you could come up with a good joke for that game). It's difficult to narrow down, but I think my faves are the ones about learning cursive, Fun Dips, and Taco Bell. Thanks for the laugh!

Lourie said...

Wow I missed a lot of those. I liked the tooth fairy a lot-didn't miss that one. But that Tower of Terror...I did miss. Haha. Funny.

purseblogger said...

This one is my favorite:

Legoland today. I am planning on pulling out the corner piece and watching the entire park collapse in front of our eyes.

I want to be there for that.

Oilfield Trash said...

Those are all great.

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

Actually they used to have harps at the Walmart entrances.

Unfortunately, a huge percentage of the customers assumed they had died and gone to "Walmart Heaven". They just roamed the aisles looking for the manager "Saint Peter", and refused to leave.

It wasn't pretty. Depends can only hold so much.

Great post.

TesoriTrovati said...

Oh so many! I don't know if I can pick just one... Cheeseboy ball rules, ADHD, lawsuits at Hooters, learning cursive, Fun Dips, The Tooth fairy gyp... but you will always be an Amazing Super Stud. Thanks for the laughs and chuckles today.
Enjoy the day!
Erin

Teachinfourth said...

There were several I love, Abe...however, if you lived in my neighborhood people would need to buy us BOTH nice things...

Melinda said...

I've already read all these on Facebook, and yet I HAD to re-read them and chuckle all over again! Thanks for that! :)

The Stiffs said...

I think Sun Drop just shot out my nose. I don't know if I should add you as a friend or steal all your posts.

"Miss Bee" said...

They are all status updates that I'd love to see on my "feed".... but Cupid's diaper, Abe's salary and Hooters are my favorites!

Dazee Dreamer said...

me and my hubby ran into Jerry Sloan at Home Depot on Sunday. Boy does he look relaxed.

Must say I'm a smidge jealous of your California trip.

mintifresh said...

Hands down, you are my favorite Facebook friend! You never disappoint!

600 followers is coming up fast-better get your hobo sign ready! ;)

Impulsive Addict said...

I'm pretty sure snorting Fun Dip will get your fired, Cheese.

Be careful..."Abe is a Amazing Super Stud!"--should be read as Abe is *AN* A.S.S. I'm highly disappointed in your article of choice, Mr. Cheese.

Now for my question of the day that WON'T be answered by you:
Did you destroy Legoland or at least try? That place bugs me.

Heidi (lilmommyfoofoo) said...

I've seen several of these on twitter. You are a funny guy Abe! My favorite was the liking of the likes one. I think that is an amazing idea! Lol.

Joann Mannix said...

I love that Children's Place should be renamed Abe's Salary. For my hubs and all of his girls here, he should get Sephora and the shoe section at Nordstrom's named after him.

You are such an A.S.S., man.

Jenn said...

I love that you want to have Cameron Diaz hand feed you popcorn at the super bowl!!! You better get on the jumbotron if that happens!!!

The Church Lady said...

Thanks for the many laughs today, Abe. I love cupid's status! Too hilarious!!

Looking forward to next months FB updates!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Eating Phil (LOL), Cheeseboy Ball (again, LOL), Tower of Tower (wimp), tattoo, Hooters lawsuit... please don't make me pick just one!

Deborah said...

This one: 1-26-11 at 8:06 PM

I am DYING and snorting.

Bossy Betty said...

Love these! I believe all your Facebook people must be throughly entertained when you post.

randine said...

Ha ha, those were hilarious!!
Are they copyrighted?? Because I'm really itching to use that first one right now, love it!

MiMi said...

I LOVED the Fun Dip Valentine one!! LOL!!

Lisa Loo said...

I never get your status updates--what have I done wrong? Stupid Facebook.

Definitely the snorting the Fun Dipped Smack Stick---

Emmy said...

The tattoo one!!! Lol! Totally missed that one on FB.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

The Fun Dips and PETA ones were just wrong - which means you're right on track, my friend.

Pat said...

Sloppy seconds, Cupid wearing a diaper, and your son learning cursive, not necessarily in that order.

Hart Johnson said...

You crack me up. And I think you are definitely onto something about Lindsey Lohan...

Marnie said...

Some of these were just hilarious.

However, you last one couldn't be more true. My late father was a teacher for 38 years. He absolutely adored the profession, and he never once griped about all the overtime our out of pocket expenses he absorbed. That is so true.

Chris Phillips said...

Love getting fun dip valentines from kids!

Amy said...

Your very first one had me rolling. They were all great, but your best was your first (which is why it was placed there, right?) Oh Cheeseboy, you make me laugh.

Kate said...

I find it very unfair that you got my share of funny, too. These are hilarious, and now I'm going to have to end up following you on facebook even though my darn facebook wall is crowded enough as it is.

As a teacher, your V-Day post made me smile...and now you MUST go look at the Valentine picture I've got on my most recent blog because it's a true piece of first-grade hilarity.

I did NOT like the cursive one, because I'm very jealous of boys' ease in peeing outside. :) That said, this winter I spent a good long waiting while on one "run" (hike, at best) with my 7 year old as he attenpted to pee his name. I love boys.

If you eat the groundhog, I'll have to come to Utah and hunt you down...not bc I'm an animal rights activist, but because it was 70 degrees out today and now I looooove the groundhog. (Until the next time he has the nerve to see his shadow, at which time I'll gladly serve him up to you on a platter. Lesson here: be patient.)

OK...my favorite has to be the dodgeball one. But they're all pretty hilarious.

Holly Ruggiero said...

I didn't think they even made Fun Dips anymore.

-stephanie- said...

They're all funny, but I loved the Taco Bell, Hooters one.

Lene said...

I can't decide between Cameron Diaz and Regrets. Oh and Taco Bell.

You really should get a life....

W.C.Camp said...

Silly Cheeseboy -"What in the heck is the stick for?" ... you must have mistakenly gotten the 'ADULT' Fun Dips. Once you close-in on 50 years old, your proctologist will advise in the proper technique. W.C.C.

T said...

I have to pick?!? okay, the Amazing Super Stud was funny... but the Inception one caused me to choke a little... so I guess it wins :)

Lazarus said...

Abe, you have some great Facebook posts there, very funny. One of my recent best (from today): I hate when people ask me to copy-and-paste their status about some issue onto my status page, I always feel they're robbing me of my right to free speech. If you agree, copy-and-paste this as your status.

Kelley said...

These were all awesome, Abe! Or should I have said, "These were all awesome, A.S.S.!" (Were you only allowing your mom to abbreviate?)

Pearl said...

You have the best one-liners ever.

How far away is schoolteacher from stand-up comedian, anyway?

Pearl

Bits-n-Pieces said...

I've posted that last one about teachers before. When I copied it from someone else, it didn't have the part about "spending own money" in it, so I added it on mine. I think I even put something about "so they can spend more time with your kids than with their own" or something! People have no idea what all we do!

Jason, as himself said...

You have enough creativity in that brain of yours to post FB status updates like these AND write prolifically and creatively on The Blog O'Cheese?

Abe=Amazing

Pat Tillett said...

I like them all, but the ADHD Focus Group is my fa...What?

tammy said...

These even made me laugh the second time around.

elesa said...

The Donkey Kong one made me laugh and laugh. Cuz it IS hard. But I think the Tooth Fairy one is my favorite. I am definitely saying that to my kids.

M-Cat said...

Hard to pick a favorite because they all are clever and make me laugh, but d&#* that Jerry Sloan one was f*#@&^!@& funny!

Out of My Mind said...

I.m a retired teacher and I LOVE your blog.
My favorite entry was:
ADHD focus groups rarely work.
Being an X teacher and a medicated ADHD adult I can DEFINITELY appreciate that statement. I think having ADHD really helped me multitask and my students loved that I was a bit dippy when I didn't take my meds.

Now, if I wait to follow you until later so I can be number 1,000 do I get a prize? kt

Deborah said...

I'm so impressed you have never used an emoticon! I have used them waaaaaay too much.

^..^

See? Somebody stop me!