Tuesday, February 22, 2011

An Interview with a Tigger Mom

Q: Before we begin, how do you spell your son's name exactly?


A: It's "T-I-double-guh-er" which spells Tigger.


Q: Much is made of your son's success.  Tell us, what was your secret as a mother?


A: I was very strict with my son from a very early age.  At age 3 I had enrolled him in bouncing class.  By the time he was 5 he was an expert bouncer and could curl his tail six different ways. Most boys his age were still learning not to sniff each others' butts.

Q: Besides bouncing, what activities did you have your son participate in as a child?

A: I think it is very important to raise a well rounded child.  I enrolled him in classes in tree climbing, rabbit annoyance, hopscotch, and the clarinet. I addition, I taught my son basic principals of the hundred acres: Stay away from little black rain clouds, never hold a balloon filled with helium, keep your paws out of holes in trees.  You know, basic survival stuff.

Q: And how did your son take to being involved in so much at once?

A: He resented me at first.  He HATED the clarinet.  I mean, he despised that thing!  But I never let up.  He was going to learn that danged clarinet even if it meant every animal in the forests ears bled. And you know what?  He still can't play the clarinet.  But he learned a valuable lesson: Tiggers do not have the proper lips to play a clarinet.

Q: Was your husband supportive of your parenting techniques?

A: My husband left us when my son was two.  He always said, "A hundred acres could never hold me." Last I heard, he had shacked up with some floozy owl and was performing on Disney cruise ships.

Fortunately, we had Christopher Robin as a male role model. Although, you know, I always hated how he wore those ugly blue shorts way too high. Made him look like Richard Simmon's adopted son from Sweeden.  What kind of example is that to my boy?

Q: Your son has a speech impediment.  Did you ever consider taking him to a speech therapist?

A: That's redicarus!  I've never recoganized anything wrong with his speech.  I definitely would have had him checked at the first sign of anything suspicerous. This accusation makes you sound like a villyun.

Q: Your son is very well-meaning, but often does more harm than good.  Could this be a result of his extremely intense childhood?

A: Are you insane?  Redicarus!  My son may be mischievous at times, but he is handsome, confident and filled with energy and optimism.  If others get pushed out of his way as he rises to stardom, so be it.

Q: It has been said that Tiggers are wonderful things, but that their heads are made of rubber.  How has your son become so popular with a rubber head?

A: Hard work and bouncing. I tell my son, "You want success in life?  Do you want your mother to be known as the greatest mother of all time?  Do you want me to write a book about how I created the greatest Tigger in the history of the hundred acre?  Do you want me to make millions of dollars? Well, it's all up to YOU to make something out of that rubber brain of yours."

Q: Is there any advice that you want to give ladies with ambitions of becoming a Tigger Mom?

A: First, I would recommend getting spring implants.  Second, never allow your child to play with Piglets.  They are puny, pathetic and never really add anything of value to anything. Finally, teach your children to do exactly the opposite of Eeyore. That ass will never make anything of his life.

56 comments:

laughingmom said...

That is the best thing I've read about that batcrazy woman! I must be more of a Pooh mother 'cause my kid would be the one stuck in the rabbit hole!

Kristina P. said...

Getting implants are always a good parenting tip.

randine said...

That was too funny. I never noticed Christopher Robbins short shorts before, LOL.

Pearl said...

Actually, with a couple of changes this could be an interview of a number of hip hop mothers!

Pearl

Beth Zimmerman said...

Loved it, Abe! But I was kind of looking forward to her commentary on his bottom being "made out of springs!" :)

Melinda said...

Are your boys on a Winnie the Pooh kick? I'm trying to figure out what brought you to wondering about Tigger's mom. Not sure I REALLY want to know, your brain could be a scary place--almost as scary as mine! heh heh!

Oilfield Trash said...

I agree with Pearl.

This was a hilarious post. As usual.

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

Funny stuff! Only you would think of having an interview with a Tigger Mom!

Kelley said...

Hahaha!!! I loved every bit of this post. My favorite part, though, was the valuable lesson Tigger learned from trying to play the clarinet. He learned that he didn't have the proper lips. That is a very, very good lesson to learn in life and I'm glad he learned it at an early age!

lifeshighway said...

Christopher Robin, needed a full leg stride to maintain order in the 100 acre wood. You can't do that with long shorts blocking proper knee action.

Piglet is underrated.

Kristin said...

What amazing insight! Hahaha! I love it!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

This is really good, Cheeseboy. I like your brain's random sillyness. My favorite line was the one about Christopher Robin's shorts being too high.
xoRobyn

Kate said...

This struck me as even funnier bc I recently read and reviewed the Tiger Mother book. Tigger is like the majority of kids with ADHD I've taught. Sweet, good-hearted, lovable...and they'll make you wish your own head was made of rubber as you bang it against the nearest wall. :)

Glad you got a chance to get out on the trails!

Joann Mannix said...

The biggest rule as a mother should be, never trust a dude who wears short shorts and wants to hang around with your kid all the time.

Cluttered Brain said...

bouncy trouncy fun fun fun
\the most wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one...I'm the only one...
Someone nicknamed me Tigger in blogland...
probably for my bouncieness...

ModernMom said...

Your school kids are gonna think you are famous....interviews with celebs and all!

Pat said...

You are a friggin' genius. A funny, God-knows-where-you-come-up-with-these-ideas-GENIUS!

Kelloggsville said...

That is the best post I have read this year any where. Pick an award, an award (except the bouncing award 'cos that is for Tiggeruses)and it is yours.

Alittlesprite said...

I was always wary of Christopher Robbin....

-stephanie- said...

Tigger was always my least favorite of the Pooh bunch. Now I know it was his mothers fault that I dislike him so much. Thanks for clearing this up for me.

Emmy said...

LOL!! Love it love it! I was reading an article from a mom that forced her daughter to play the piano and was mean and strict about it, so I was laughing so hard with how it ended with him not being able to play. Too funny

The Church Lady said...

Great interview! Tigger's speech problem could have been helped if he would have attended "skool" with Christopher Robin!

Mary said...

awww...poor eeyore :o( He has always been my favorite!

Oddyoddyo13 said...

I'm guessing your favorite Winnie the Pooh character is Tigger. :)

mintifresh said...

You dream in cartoon, don't you!?

Connie said...

I think Tigger's mom is a little eccentric.

Kristen said...

You are so lucky getting these interviews... I mean who knew you were so close to these charachters?? I AM surprised she didn't flirt with you more though.... maybe next time...

Katie said...

So jealous! She is my HERO!!!

::snort::

Implants (of any kind) ROCK!

But...I have to disagree about Eyeore. At least he was consistent!

"Miss Bee" said...

I'll have you know that I met the owl that Tigger's dad was shacking up with, and she is NOT a floozy.

There are two sides to every story, remember that. ;)

Lisa Loo said...

I have a piano student with a mother like this---

They make me want to stab myself in the eye with a dull knife....

Maybe they just need some implants---brain implants that is---
(loved the post :0)}}}

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

"Tiggers do not have the proper lips to play a clarinet" - priceless! That and the butt sniffing.

Lourie said...

My kids are all Tiggers. Always bouncing here and there. And I am pretty sure at least one has a rubber head. :P

Marnie said...

Chrisopher Robbins can do a Nair commercial. Hey...you should blog about that :0)

GrammyMouseTails said...

yup, you have to what out for those tarty floozy Owls... they been known to steal any kind of male... up all night hooting & howling & carrying on... you were lucky to get out of the interview alive! A Tigger mom has sharp claws! & this one sounds cwarzy!

lisleman said...

a better interview than the ones I've seen (parts of - always switch the channel) with the mom pushing her book. Push your kid so you can push a book - pathetic - they should drop a honey pot on her head.

Sandra said...

I'm laughing! And yes, Tiger Mom is my hero because her kid probably knows how to spell. My fifteen year old still can't.

Bits-n-Pieces said...

you are so bad! Blasphemy!! :P

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

At first I thought you were talking about an actual mom. Which makes me wonder - when moms come in for Parent Teacher Interview night, do you see them as cartoon characters????

Jenn said...

LMAO!!! I didn't realize Tigger's dad was a dead beat! Good to know!

Teachinfourth said...

Richard Simmon's adopted son from Sweden! That had me...

You know, I never thought about Tigger's parentage before. Thanks for looking into his family history and getting that information out to us.

This could be useful at parties...

Bossy Betty said...

We can all learn a lot from Tigger's Mom!

natalee said...

LOL!!! oh my god i just spit my coffee all over my computer.. that was so damn funny.....lol...you are a sick man...lol

Laraine Eddington said...

So glad I found you through LG report. You're a hilarious writer.

Hart Johnson said...

BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, I love it! Tigger is my FAVORITE! Though I think I might break into the Heffelumps and Woozles song...

Out of My Mind said...

Yep, funny, interesting, imaginative>>>>>>>>>>>kt

mama-face said...

Read an article about this Book and Mom and am still reeling with guilt. Wish they'd included your, (or the Tigger Mom) take on parenthood.

Diane J. said...

Tigger is so cute! Love the interview, too funny.

Okay, I remember reading an article that Chua wrote. It focused on the piano and getting good grades. I know a lot of moms think she's strict, but I can see her point, somewhat. I don't have a lot of patience for people who let the kids run amok and then say "Kids will be kids." Right, and without teaching manners they're going to be selfish adults when in public.

I'm obviously not as strict, I don't have the stamina, but I can see some of her points.

Pedaling said...

I'll bet you have a few tigger mom wannabes of kids in your class.

Kelly H-Y said...

Hilarious (as usual!!)!

Gledwood said...

How strange I should stumble across this. Apart from the hamster my "totem animal" is the tigress. Tigresses are better than tigers. They're fiercer. And they have beautiful furry tabby babies. Which they can force to learn clarinet ...

Crystal Pistol said...

Eeyore. That ass is a buzz kill. Glad you called him out. A donkey who is forever losing his own tail in order to get attention is no role model for small children. Hmph!

PBJdreamer said...

awsome


Loved this

The wonderful thing about tiggers is that tiggers are wonderful things


I have three kids

My oldest is Eyore

My daughter is the wise owl

My youngest is TIGGER

I am a bit of a tigger myself

off to bounce


that is all

Deborah said...

Tigger likes to bounce!

Had to say it.

I never noticed CR's shorts were too short either. hmm . . .

M-Cat said...

Laughing.

And I have had people refer to me as Tigger strictly because of my ADHD

ooh shiny squirrel!

Corrina Terry said...

Now THAT was inspired!!!! Richard Simmon's adopted son from Sweden!!!! HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks---I needed a good laugh this week! :o)

Missy said...

This is great! I suspected that about the dad!