An Interview with a Tigger Mom

Q: Before we begin, how do you spell your son's name exactly?


A: It's "T-I-double-guh-er" which spells Tigger.


Q: Much is made of your son's success.  Tell us, what was your secret as a mother?


A: I was very strict with my son from a very early age.  At age 3 I had enrolled him in bouncing class.  By the time he was 5 he was an expert bouncer and could curl his tail six different ways. Most boys his age were still learning not to sniff each others' butts.

Q: Besides bouncing, what activities did you have your son participate in as a child?

A: I think it is very important to raise a well rounded child.  I enrolled him in classes in tree climbing, rabbit annoyance, hopscotch, and the clarinet. I addition, I taught my son basic principals of the hundred acres: Stay away from little black rain clouds, never hold a balloon filled with helium, keep your paws out of holes in trees.  You know, basic survival stuff.

Q: And how did your son take to being involved in so much at once?

A: He resented me at first.  He HATED the clarinet.  I mean, he despised that thing!  But I never let up.  He was going to learn that danged clarinet even if it meant every animal in the forests ears bled. And you know what?  He still can't play the clarinet.  But he learned a valuable lesson: Tiggers do not have the proper lips to play a clarinet.

Q: Was your husband supportive of your parenting techniques?

A: My husband left us when my son was two.  He always said, "A hundred acres could never hold me." Last I heard, he had shacked up with some floozy owl and was performing on Disney cruise ships.

Fortunately, we had Christopher Robin as a male role model. Although, you know, I always hated how he wore those ugly blue shorts way too high. Made him look like Richard Simmon's adopted son from Sweeden.  What kind of example is that to my boy?

Q: Your son has a speech impediment.  Did you ever consider taking him to a speech therapist?

A: That's redicarus!  I've never recoganized anything wrong with his speech.  I definitely would have had him checked at the first sign of anything suspicerous. This accusation makes you sound like a villyun.

Q: Your son is very well-meaning, but often does more harm than good.  Could this be a result of his extremely intense childhood?

A: Are you insane?  Redicarus!  My son may be mischievous at times, but he is handsome, confident and filled with energy and optimism.  If others get pushed out of his way as he rises to stardom, so be it.

Q: It has been said that Tiggers are wonderful things, but that their heads are made of rubber.  How has your son become so popular with a rubber head?

A: Hard work and bouncing. I tell my son, "You want success in life?  Do you want your mother to be known as the greatest mother of all time?  Do you want me to write a book about how I created the greatest Tigger in the history of the hundred acre?  Do you want me to make millions of dollars? Well, it's all up to YOU to make something out of that rubber brain of yours."

Q: Is there any advice that you want to give ladies with ambitions of becoming a Tigger Mom?

A: First, I would recommend getting spring implants.  Second, never allow your child to play with Piglets.  They are puny, pathetic and never really add anything of value to anything. Finally, teach your children to do exactly the opposite of Eeyore. That ass will never make anything of his life.