Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines to Sister Wives

Dearest Mari,

I love you!  You mean the world to me.  You shall always be my very first wife.

You have given me six beautiful children. I realize you have put on a little weight since we were married, but that is okay.  I don't care about the weight.  I like options.

Since it is Valentines Day, tonight is your special night. Meet me at my bedroom door at 4:00.  It should be a special evening.

Kody

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Christine,

I love you!  You mean the world to me.  You shall always be a wife.

You have given me two beautiful children: Sarah and that new one.  I thank you for remaining skinny.  I like to have options.

Since it is Valentines Day, tonight is YOUR special night.  Meet me at my bedroom door at 5:00.  It should be a special evening.

Kody

PS: You have always been my favorite, but don't tell the others.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Janelle,

I love you!  You mean the world to me.  You shall always remain the love of my life. (From Dec. 04 - Oct. 05)

You have given me no children and that's okay.  Fortunately, the others have pulled through.

As the ugliest of my wives, I appreciate all of the ways that you try and make up for it.  It really means a lot.

Since it is Valentines Day, tonight is YOUR special night.  I know how you like playing your harp, so bring your harp to my bedroom at 5:00.  You shall serenade Christine and I as we dine.

Kody
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Robyn,

I love you!  You mean the world to me.  You shall always be a part of my life. (You're the one with the long, dark brown hair, right?)

You have given me four children: the two beautiful ones and then the other two.

I appreciate how when your mother calls and tries to talk you out of leaving me, that you always tell her that I treat you right most of the time.

Since it is Valentines Day, tonight is YOUR special night.  Meet me at my bedroom door at 6:00.  No, better make it 6:30.  I might be quite tired by then, but I promise to spend at least fifteen minutes with you, my love.

Kody

78 comments:

Yanet @ 3 Sun Kissed Boys said...

Shouldn't the meeting hours be 4:00, 4:05, and 4:15?

Sue said...

*sigh*. Chivalry is not dead.

Shannon said...

Haha, that's hilarious!

KyAnn (like Cayenne Pepper, only HOTTER) said...

If you see Kody ask if he needs a fifth wife. I'm totally available.....

Brandon said...

This is why they sell Valentine's cards in 6-packs. Funny stuff.

Oilfield Trash said...

This was just all kinds of hilarious. Loved it.

Mamma has spoken said...

I guess he is a slime ball, he got their names right but not the looks or how many children they had together right. Or is that what happens when you have so many wives and kids: you don't know which one is which but you do know they are yours?

Melinda said...

Thats why there's at least an hour with each, not because he'll use up the time on them but for recovery right? I've only watched that show a couple of times, but I'm still totally perplexed by it. So weird.

randine said...

That was hilarious! The letter to Janelle had me laughing out loud!

Kelly said...

Such thoughtful love notes. He must be tired after just writing all of those.

Noelle said...

Dear Cheeseboy, Mari only had one kid...just so you know. :)

This was awesome!!!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Do you ever watch the show Bones?

There was an episode just last week or the week before, about sister wives.

Mormons were mentioned quite a bit. It was... creepy. :D

The Stiffs said...

No words. Well two...too funny.

mintifresh said...

Sounds like he needs a chart made to keep the wives and kids straight! Course who cares, right? He's got 4 WIVES!!

Kristina P. said...

Poor Janelle. Frowny face.

Diane J. said...

Dearest Kody,

Four won't do, I'm washing my hair.
Mari

Dear Kody,

Five won't do, meeting the milkman.
Chrisine

Kody,

Stuff it you rotten ferbert!

Janelle

Dearest Jerk,

Mari, Christine, Janelle and I have been seeing this wonderful Milkman turned therapist.

We've been blind to your ways. Mom was right. We're leaving and you better start working your hind end off because you have some serious child support coming up!

Signed,
Mari, Christine, Janelle, Robyn.

You're too funny Cheeseboy. I've never seen the show, but I bet they could put some therapist's children through med school.

Danielle said...

I had to take a peak since it said "sister wives". It is funny, I try to see humor in everything. I will make sure not to tell Robyn to come see, though.....maybe she'd be offended? Maybe she'd laugh?

Deborah said...

Dearest Cheeseboy,

You have stolen my heart. Somehow you make snorting coffee out of my nose while laughing a pleasant experience.

Meet me tonight so I can dictate a story to you and you can spin some cheese-humor on it.

Pretty please.

With cheese on top.

Signed,

Your Fan

Glamazon said...

Dear Cheeseboy,

You are sick and twisted. And funny.

Poor Kody...my husband only has the opportunity to disappoint one woman on Valentine's Day :)

Beth Zimmerman said...

Abe! You are BAD! And you've somehow eliminated a BUNCH of the kids ... and Christine's baby weight! I haven't watched the show in a while and now I am thoroughly confused! Is Robyn leaving? :)

-stephanie- said...

He's so gross. They all should be wishing each other Happy VD.

See Mom Smile said...

I want the 6:45 to 7:00 slot. Gets my hubby off the hook and me to sleep early! Funny, funny stuff.

Marnie said...

This is funny. This day HAS to be the most difficult one out of the year for polygamists everywhere.

Kate said...

I almost wish I watched the show, but I think this is better. :)

LOL at Diane J's comment.

Mommy Lisa said...

That show is why I don't watch TLC any longer.

Pearl said...

:-) Sometimes, you are brilliant.

You know that, right?!

Pearl

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I am with Yanet's comment!!!

Joann Mannix said...

You know, I always wondered about the ugly one. Does he look at her and think, "Crap, it's the ugly one's night."

Valentine's Day must be hell for polygamist husbands.

I'd be a sister wife, if I didn't have to be the one to cook or clean or watch the kids. And if one of the sister wives was a nail tech and could keep my toes polished, it would be a great situation.

Unknown Mami said...

Love knows no boundaries.

Happy VD!

lifeshighway said...

sigh, to have a precious hour, no 15 minutes with the man of my life. What woman need ask for more.

kmcaffee said...

Again, I am in tears! You are so freaking funny! Another great post, Cheese - may I call you Cheese?

Anyway, I think it's grand that Kody makes time for all his wives on V Day! He's such a peach!:P

Amy said...

HA! That is awesome. Long live chivalry on Valentine's Day.

Impulsive Addict said...

Okay....I have a confession: I LOVE THIS SHOW (and you totally messed up the number of children). However, my darling husband now thinks it would be "cool" if we picked up a sister wife. Umm...no thanks.

Mindy said...

Ah, the romance. I've never seen the show, but imagine your letters are right on target. Here's the question I have: Does he bring flowers home to each wife? If so, does he play it safe and give them all the same? If not, what about all those tricky meanings for each color? I bet my husband is glad he's only got one wife tonight - even if I am 6 1/2 months pregnant and his time slot might just mean a good snuggle!

lisleman said...

I avoid reality TV so I had to look this up. I like that Kody considers three of the marriages spiritual unions. Most guys get spiritual at some point with their mistresses.
Your letters are great.

Missy said...

OMG!! This is a Winner!
Absolutely Funny!!!!!

Lourie said...

I was thinking long the lines of your first commenter! hahaha. That is a most awesome set of Valentines!

MiMi said...

Oh. My. Hell.

Pat Tillett said...

Hilarious!
This turd really knows how to woo a girl...

T said...

there are no words... none...


and yet I keep sitting here thinking that I should probably comment somehow about the hilarity - or the creepy chills that are going up and down my spine... whichever :)

The Church Lady said...

Very very very funny post Abe! I'm still laughing....

I can't believe these women are gaga over him. He's a schmuck.

Bossy Betty said...

Who WOULDN'T fall for that handsome devil? I love his hair.

Katie said...

I honestly believe you are one of my favorite bloggers/writers of all time. The humor keeps me coming back! Love it dude!!!

gigi said...

Thanks for the great laugh tonight!!
Happy heart day.

Corrina Terry said...

HAAAAAA! LOVE IT!!!! :o) Good one!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Holy crap - there's a Robyn in the mix. She's an embarrassment to us all. I especially like the letter to Janelle. Great post, Cheeseboy.
xoRobyn

dbs said...

So, so funny. Very, very good.

jennifer said...

Oh shoot, that is great! I hadn't even thought about a polygamist Valentine's Day. You crack me up!

Mama Gayle said...

I hate it that I know about this show, LOL.
My BF refuses to watch it, but I can't turn it off!

The order is:
Meri, Janelle, Christine, Robyn.
And like another commenter said, the kids for each wife and the looks are off.

But, the post was still funny... LOL... And like I said before (as I hang my head in shame, lol), I can't believe I even watch it:(

Lazarus said...

"You have given me four children: the two beautiful ones and then the other two." That was my favorite line, very funny and creative post!

Janiece said...

heheheeee
so are they still "sister" wives???
Crazy show.

Cruella Collett said...

Tee hee, I'm so glad I got to be his first wife...

I almost feel a little sorry for the poor guy, though. That is a lot of work for one night!

imbeingheldhostage said...

I'm waiting for polygamy to make a come back. I need someone like Janelle around my house. She does windows, right?

Jenn said...

LOL... Kody, listing his kids, reminds me of the video I saw of Jet's football player Antonio Cromartie where he's trying to list all his kids...Apparently they are all three years old? LOL ANYWAY.. good post today!!

Vanessa said...

Dear Kody:
You forgot which wife was which. Robyn is the new one. Janelle has given you children and they are kind of funky looking. Christine is a little chubby. I guess having 4 wives, it's hard to keep it all straight.

It's embarrassing that I know all this. But what makes me even more distraught, is that you have picked up your family and moved to Vegas. No more Utah County encounters.

Lola Sharp said...

There's so many things I want to say about him, but I can't keep them PG, so I shall merely say:

A) He's a douche
B) It's important to have options.
C) Thus, his wives should get some extra husbands, ya know, options
D) I kinda wish I had some extra wives 'round here; wives that like to clean, organize, cook and grocery shop. Oh, they're called 'servants'? Then I want me some servants!

E) It was nice to see you in my comments, oh cheesy one...it's been too long since we've said hello. :) *waves* This was a brills post.

Lola-->out.

Baby Sister said...

Wow. That was awesome. Really, hilarious.

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

Sir Cheese: Blogger would not let me sign up to follow you. It gave me this message:

"We're sorry...

We were unable to handle your request. Please try again or return a bit later."

Should I return, or is it an anti-hobo attempt on your part?

MMM
http://middle-agedmormonman.blogspot.com/

Hart Johnson said...

*dies*

Oh, you crack me up. That is considerate of him to schedule so those ladies can plan their other evening entertainment.

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

I'm in! (I feel tingly)

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

Never watched the show - but you still totally made me laugh! Love the first comment by Yanet @ 3 Sun Kissed Boys!

Connie said...

You made my day. It was kinda gloomy until you pointed out how tough poor Kody has it. Can we all say "Ahhhhhh, Poor Kody"!

Mary said...

I'm so embarrassed that I'm one of your commentors who actually knows the correct order of the wives, too! HILARIOUS.

baygirl32 said...

wow, his notes are so thoughtful, I be there are another 5 wifes waiting in line

Antares Cryptos said...

Too funny. But really, who is Kody kidding?

He got them Wii controllers for Valentines.

Hello,
what kind of cheese are you?

skcoe said...

So wrong. On so many levels. I love it!

DeNae said...

I don't watch the show, but I'm pretty sure this is exactly how their V-Day played out. Self-esteem factory, that house.

From Tracie said...

It is so bad.....but so so funny!

Lisa Loo said...

Yes, once again you remind me of why I live in the middle of nowhere Montana with only PBS on the TV.

No worries--we get iTunes--but I make it a rule to never "pay" for reality. I tell my kids we have enough of it right here for free.

Lisa Loo said...

And I meant to say that the bit about the ugly kids made me snort my Crystal Light......

jennykate77 said...

I never thought about how Sister Wives would handle Valentine's Day. This is hilarious!

M-Cat said...

Poor Kody - he has his hands full keeping all that estrogen happy doesn't he?
Sucks to be them

Kelley said...

Hahahaha!! I was laughing out loud throughout the whole thing. The ugliest one? Poor thing. The thought of her playing the harp for the other Valentine's dinner is more than I could take. Love it!

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

I have no idea what this is about but I still laughed and laughed! Who needs background- just go with the flow. Sorry, that was a trademark of a prostate medicine, I hope I am not sued!

Kristen said...

Dear Kody,
Sorry we missed you tonight. We were out shopping together spending all of your money. It was really nice that you watched all the kids and too bad you are now too tired for any kind of fun because well we were kind of thinking... oh, never mind, you are just not that adventurous.
Happy Valentines Day!

Ms Bibi said...

Such loving notes. They truly melt my heart...now if only Kody got the names right and the amount of kids with each,lol (just so you know I don't watch)

Susan in the Boonies said...

Snort.

Love it.

Cheeseboy, you will always be my favorite blogger.

Meet me at my comments box, and we'll trade comments. I'm pretty sure you can't get anything communicable from that.

Lene said...

I often wonder how he ended up with one wife...let alone 4.