Friday, February 11, 2011

Why I can no longer be America's only Man-Gleek.

"Glee:  Women tested. Women approved."

That should be the show's slogan.  It's not.  Instead the slogan is, "Glee: Sue Sylvester is a jerk."

Alas, I must admit, I was once was a Gleek.  Yes, I had a framed picture of Rachel on my wall, a signed Kurt silk scarf and even an Arnie toy wheelchair.*  I was totally on board the Glee train to Loserville and I represented a key demographic the producers were targeting: Male, straight and a married First Grade teacher.  

Sadly, Superbowl Sunday marked the official end to my Gleekdom. I was deeply offended by the episode that aired immediately after the game.  I was not offended as fan or even as a human being; rather, I was offended as a sports-loving, American male.  The show was a painful display of football ignorance not seen since since this pathetic showing:

Now, I am well aware of the fact that the very essence of Glee asks that the viewer suspend rational belief. I am also aware that the very essence of Glee requires a male viewer to urinate out any testosterone he may have left in his body for the duration of the show.  Nevertheless, this episode went beyond suspending rational thought into the idiotic and absurd.  Allow me to demonstrate some choice cuts from this episode:

Insane Glee Football World: In the opening scene, McKinley High simply needs to kneel down and they win the game.  In the huddle (which lasts over 2 minutes), Finn and Karofsky start arguing about the Glee club.  Finn is distracted, loses control of the ball when it is hiked and they other team returns it for a touchdown.  Coach Beast (a woman) tosses over the Gatorade table in disgust.

My reaction: No one is thinking about singing in the Glee Club during a huddle... or the game for that matter!  The team should be flagged for delay of game for having a 2 minute huddle.  If they hike the ball and kneel down then everyone just goes home.  Oh, except for the coach, who should be suspended for the next three games for throwing over the Gatorade table. 

Insane Glee Football World: After the game, the entire team is bickering in the locker room.  Puckerman gets in a fist fight with Karofsky.  Coach Beast (a woman) enters the boys locker room and yells, "Everyone get the hell out of here!  Bunch of Babies!"

My Reaction: The players should be suspended for fighting and Coach Beast (a woman) should get sued because she entered the boys locker room.  

The black guy looks concerned.

Insane Glee Football World: Will Schuester and Coach Beast chat about ways to unite the team.  They decide that their best option to win a championship is to have all of the players unite with the Glee Club to sing show tunes. 

My Reaction: Actually, yeah, this makes perfect sense.  Absolute perfect sense.

Insane Glee Football World: Rachel and Puck sing I Need You Now by Lady Antebellum to the football team. 

My Reaction: No.

Insane Glee Football World: The cheerleaders drop out of the halftime show to compete in their cheerleader competition.  The football players have to put on their own halftime show.  They choose to perform a mashup of Michael Jackson's Thriller with the Yeah Yeah Yeah's Heads Will Roll

My Reaction: Okay, now this is making more sense.  I mean, any perfectly rational coach would want his team out there dancing instead of planning and resting during halftime.  (Also, I scream at my television for ruining my favorite Yeah Yeah Yeah's song.  I wonder how a dork like Schuester would even know such a song exists.)

Insane Glee Football World: Most of the football team quits but they are still allowed to compete with four girls and a boy in a wheelchair.  Oh, and they are still two players short of fielding a full team.

My Reaction: I got the football players dancing at halftime, but this is a little crazy.  Crazy like a fox!  (If the fox was retarded.)

Insane Glee Football World: Even though they are two players short and playing with four girls that simply lie down on the ground on every play (not to mention a boy in a wheelchair), the team is only down 17-0 at halftime in the championship game.

My reaction: At this point of the show, I want to decapitate the writers.  I'm afraid it has already been done a couple months ago.  

Insane Glee Football World: Right before halftime, Finn gives the game ball to the blond kid with the giant lips who, even though they were two players short, had been sitting on the sideline watching because... that is just what backup quarterbacks do.

My reaction: I shot my television.  There is a gaping hole in the middle of my 62 inch HD TV.  

 - - Do I really need to tell you how this all ended?  Likely not, given that 90% of my readers actually watched this bull unfold before your eyes.  But, just in case, here is how I HEARD it ended:

Finn talks the cheerleaders into coming back for the halftime show.  Puck talks the players that quit into performing as well.  After they sing and dance, the players keep on their makeup and use it as a tactical advantage. Of course, given renewed enthusiasm and spark by the power of the dance, the McKinley players come back strong in the second half but still trail with seconds to go.  They begin to chant "Brains!  Brains!" as the opposing team is about to kneel down to end the game.  This causes a huge distraction and the opposing team fumbles the ball, McKinely picks it up and scores the winning touchdown.  It would not have been possible without the blond boys enormous, freakish lips.

That was it for me.  I am officially DONE with Glee.  Sorry producers, but you have lost a member of your key demographic. (The pasty-white, 30 something man with a sweet Hyundia Elantra in the driveway.)

*Wheelchair was not actually an Arnie replica, but just a normal toy wheelchair that I wrote "Arnie" on the back of with a black Sharpie.**

**They do make toy wheelchairs.  They are part of the G.I. Joe "Aging Veteran" series.***

***"Aging Veteran" series only available in VA hospital gift shops and Target.****

****Target has since discontinued G.I. Joe "Aging Veteran" series due to complaints.*****

*****Complaints were mainly about a choking hazard of the tiny back brace.******

******Back brace also contained lead as the  G.I. Joe "Aging Veteran" series was made in China.

63 comments:

Nancy C said...

Glee fills me with unspeakable, white hot rage. That is all I can write without throwing something through my keyboard.

Tom said...

I'm afraid I am behind the times. I have never even seen an episode of Glee. I only hear people talk about how much they love it. I'm also just learning who Lada Gaga and Justin Bieber are. I need you to be my mentor and teach me what is hip and cool so I can be popular and have more friends.

jordan @ mean mommy academy said...

This made me laugh because Glee lost me ever so long ago! And for the same reason: unrealistic to the point of "Are You Freaking Serious?!"

I stopped watching because I was in Drama/Musical Theater/Choir/Show choir. (Don't laugh). The stuff that happens on Glee simply doesn't even come CLOSE to what happens in the artsy fartsy world. I should know. I was in it. (Again, no laughing) You can't just walk up and 'perform' a song. One must practice. One doesn't have the song memorized by simply glancing at the first page. A whole choreographed number can't be thrown together in 10 minutes no matter how talented the group is (and no, people don't just 'know' the dance steps by reading each other's minds). And my biggest pet peeve: when a soloist is singing and one (or more) of the background singers (who is supposed to be doo-whopping) is mouthing the words.

I understand this isn't supposed to be like real life, but come on. Try and come at least within 10 miles of reality.

Whew! Glad I got that off my chest! Thanks!!

(and sorry about the novel- I'm getting off my soap box now)

dbs said...

Dude. Glee is satire. It pokes a hole in stereotypes, our whole fascination with youth, and our overextended preoccupation with school days.
Or maybe you're right, it's crap. I can't decide.

tammy said...

...which is why I deleted it from my DVR half-way through the episode.

-stephanie- said...

Never watched the show. Thanks for letting me know why.

Beth Zimmerman said...

How have I survived without a regular dose of Cheese? :) I KNOW how I've survived without Glee!

lori said...

You'll be back, it's an addiction. Anyway, I hear G.I. Joe is going to guest star. "G.I. Joe aging Veteran" - hilarious!

Pat Tillett said...

Glee lasted about 5 minutes for me. That's how long it took to become apparent that they were trying to pass of 25-30 year old adults as high school students.

GREAT post !

Corrina Terry said...

I've never watched Glee. I see now that I've never missed out on anything. :o)

mintifresh said...

Yeah, I can't handle that show anymore. I'm glad it was your strong moral code for accurate football scenes. That is definitely going too far!;)

Kate said...

I've never seen Glee. Despite your post, I think I might like it, though perhaps not this episode. My favorite part of this? "My reaction: No". Made me lol.

Connie said...

I watched half an episode of Glee and that was an accident. At least I had on clean underwear.

Love that Richard Simmons was encouraging the football players!

Melinda said...

I've only watched one episode of Glee, it made me so angry I turned green and grew huge hulking muscles and threw my tv through our sliding glass door. We were then evicted, my husband lost his job and we're getting a divorce because of it. I loathe Glee.

Cluttered Brain said...

I don't watch Glee.
People tell me I'm missing out.
I'm just not sure anymore..
I don't know If I want to be a gleek or not...
love what you are going to do at 600 followers tho...

Impulsive Addict said...

I gleeked out a few episodes ago. I wasn't feelin' the love anymore.

Good job on the recap. I felt like I was watching it. But I didn't watch it on Sunday because I was too busy celebrating the Packers win. I'm assuming, Mr. Cheese, that you were pulling for our team as well?

Not that I'll ever know the answer because you don't like to comment back to your faithful commenters. But it's ok. I'll be back next time to ask you another question....because that's the way I roll..

Cynthia said...

I'm not a Glee watcher. If I watched tv, I wouldn't have time for all the clever blogs I'd rather read!

Sco said...

Wow. It's like Glee figured out the absolute best way to have guys hand in their man cards. The #1 way to lose your man card is no longer rotated among a) watching men's figure skating, b) asking for directions, or c) spending more than 20 minutes getting ready. It's now d) watching Glee.

Holly said...

WHAT?? I have to await hubby being admitted to the VA hospital for the toy wheelchair to write "Arnie" on? I'll pass... Hubby's super healthy and I'd like to keep it that way!

Good thing I'm not a GLEEK!!

Teachinfourth said...

Something tells me that it might just be a good thing that I've not watched much of the current season. It sounds like I'm missing out on very little...

Enough said.

Teachinfourth said...

Dear Cheeseboy,

This is Will...

and I just wanted to let you know that in all actuality, having the football team sing showtunes to unite them is TOTALLY believable. This is what happened when I was in high school and I was able to single-handedly bring the entire team together in a cocoon of love and acceptance.

I just thought you should know that not all television is glamorized glitz.

Sincerely,

Will Schuster



P.S. This isn't really Will Schuster, it's teachinfourth, I just thought you should know…

Kal said...

It's like with anything that become remotely popular - the network works it to death to the point where a pleasant little diversion becomes anoying to the point of murderous distraction. I am so done with this show too. It's sad that Entertainment Weekly has to have an article or cover about this show in every issue. Don't judge me about EW - it's a great toilet read.

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shannon said...

I have never liked Glee. I've only seen, like, four episodes, sure, but it did nothing for me. Too much teen-drama-highly-unlikely situations that I don't care about.

Anyways, I wanted to say thank you for the compliment you gave me about my spam email post--I really appreciated it!

Janiece said...

Not a glee watcher...
I am thinking that is a good thing.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I really like that you wrote Arnie on the back of a toy wheelchair with a Sharpie. I don't know why I like this so much, but I really do.

It's the only full Glee episode I've ever watched. I didn't analyze any of it to this extent, except to still be baffled by Coach Beast (a woman?)(really? Are you sure?). xoRobyn

GrammyMouseTails said...

not a glee watcher ... the last time I heard of dancing & singing football players was in Mr. Hollands Opus... and they we not bad! But I think they ate cheese rather regularly to be able to smash the heck outta of the other teams while playing football, not while dancing. did I make sense? No, Good! whew! I thought I was becoming a gleek.

T said...

you know how much I appreciate and follow football.

and now I must confess to never actually watching Glee... so all this Coach Best and Arnie nonsense is a little over my head - luckily it was hilarious even for the indoctrinated :)

Joann Mannix said...

Wow, I guess I'm the only one of your commenters who is a Gleek fanatic. Love the show. And love watching cutie pie Will do his thang.

And I don't understand why you wanted to shoot the tv. I don't watch a lot of football, none really, but why couldn't the football team break into a song and dance at half time and then play the second half in their makeup and heels? I don't see anything wrong with that. In fact, I thought that happened sometimes. It doesn't?

Lisa Loo said...

Hmm..What was that you said? I.can't.tear.my.eyes.away.from.Richard...aahhhhh.........

Lourie said...

Coach Beast scares me.

I don't watch Glee.

Now I know why.

Thank you for saving me.

I am pretty sure missed Fonzie jumping the shark by not watching the full episode.

DeNae said...

OK, this was one of your best pieces so far. And you're right about Glee, although I gave it up after 2 episodes. Unfortunately, my daughter is still a rabid fan, and I am occasionally forced to listen to it while I try to work at the computer. The subject of this post was, indeed, one that stretched the bounds of even the most willing suspensions of disbelief. I did like the a-cappella scene in Kurt's new school, however. My 15-year old son summed it up thus: "Aww, it's nice that Kurt can go to private gay school."

Diane J. said...

I never watched Glee until that episode. Blech! Wretched show. It's sad when you're rooting for the cheerleaders' coach to shoot every blasted cheerleader, glee thing, and football player out of the cannon.

Football season is over :(

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Sorry about your TV, although you regained half a man point for shooting it during an episode of Glee.

KrippledWarrior said...

Thanks for the warning.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Have yet to see that episode...or even begin season too.

Jason, as himself said...

You didn't even mention the part where Sue decides she is going to shoot Britney out of a cannon!

Yes. It was a stretch. Last season was much better.

What will they do when everyone graduates?

I'm still a Gleek though. I was born this way.

FabuLeslie said...

Umm, I tried to get on the Glee train, but after the third episode, I couldn't do it anymore. I was done. I'm glad that, after reading this, I can sleep easy, knowing I made the right decision. After all, every time I abandon a show, I wonder if I did the right thing. This has happened with Grey's Anatomy and Parenthood lately.

Marnie said...

I have only watched a handful of Glee episodes. I was thinking the same about Coach Beast being in the guy's locker room. If it were a male coach in a womans locker room you-know-what would hit the fan.

Now with all that being said and done, I'm still having a chuckle over your Richard Simmons picture :0)

mama-face said...

As well as reconstructed that episode it is obvious you will be a gleek 4ever.

It goes against everything I believe in, but I can't help it. I love Glee.

mama-face said...

I hate recommenting for grammatical errors... but "as well as YOU" is what I meant to say. And that still sounds weird. Must be all the sweet GLEE in my head.

Lazarus said...

I've never watched Glee, but now I feel like I have (and don't need to anymore...) Very funny review!

Lazarus said...

PS Most impressive part of the post was that you have a 62-inch TV, nicely done!

Ike said...

Wow. Sounds pretty bad. Glad I gave up on it months ago.

Jillybean said...

I have never seen Glee.

Deborah said...

I was originally ask if it was weird that I have never seen an episode of Glee, but after reading all of your lovely comments I'm in great company!

Anti-gleers unite!

Although I was laughing pretty hard at this post.

Bossy Betty said...

For someone who is all over it, you write about it with a passion. Perhaps you are torn, tortured, and still just a little in love with the show?

kmcaffee said...

Sssshhhh, I love Glee. I'm sorry. Actually, I'm not, but I'll say it anyway. I've been a long time lurker and think you are hysterical! Thanks for stopping by my bloggy! Kelly

MiMi said...

I've never watched Glee. I'm the only one in the world, right?

Amanda said...

I had to comment, because lately I've been hoping all my dreams will come true.

Where on earth is that picture of Richard Simmons and the football team from? My eyes!

And, while I do watch Glee, I'm never quite sure why I am doing it.

Your line about the sweet Hyundai Eletra made me giggle. I've owned one of those bad boys myself.

Missy said...

LOL!
I have Fallen Off the Glee Wagon!
And now that you mention it, I know of no men who admit they watch Glee...

The Church Lady said...

Aw man. I really started liking Glee after you wrote about it a few times. I was disappointed to have missed the show after the Super Bowl. But, now I'm not so sure I should have been disappointed for missing it??

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Dude, I never have watched a whole episode, so I skipped reading most of this. However, I did grab your button for my blogroll. That counts, right?

Sandra said...

You'll be back! You'll be back!
Nobody abandons Sue Sylvester!
...yes, I'm a Gleek and proud of it.
However, I did laugh when I read you shot your tv. Better get a new one before Tuesday though, I bet Phin and Quinn will get hot 'n heavy! Don't want to miss her praying over his hard-on!

Amy said...

Evidently we like the same people. You always seem to comment right before me on all my favorite blogs, so I figured I needed to come see who you are. And boy howdy! Am I ever glad I did!

I have never watched Glee. I was never able to sit through a whole episode. I am not a fan or wrecking trains. But I do like music. However I must say, if your commentary were available, I might try to sit through it again. That made me almost want to watch it just to see how bad it really was. Wow. And the writers actually got paid for that? I could be a tv show writer! I now know my destiny. Lame teleision show writer because I can do so much better than what is being done at the moment.

Love your blog!

Jenn said...

Well, Cheeseboy... it took much longer then I thought...but welcome back!!! We missed you while you were in Gleeland!!!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Sorry,

major OPSEC issues with my last comment.
Here's what I should have said:


So CHEESEBOY,

Tell us how you really feel...
;-)

The Stiffs said...

Spot on. I was able to suspend belief because I kept telling myself that they were trying to trap the adult male who had been watching the Super Bowl. I guess that didn't work.

M-Cat said...

Oh my crap, funny!

The bunny missing a leg from Vietnam is my favorite.

Although any boy farting is funny. Let's face it - ANYONE farting is funny.

M-Cat said...

Well lookie here - I just left my other comment on the wrong post - this is what happens when you are playing catchup.

For THIS post - I just scared my dogs and made their little ears jump and quiver when I guffawed out loud with my laryngitic (i made that word up) laugh.

Never got into Glee. But I am thankful that my boys didn't either. I don't want any of them peeing out their testosterone

Kelley said...

Ha! I have only seen one half of Glee once. I guess I just wasn't getting it. I'm not surprised that you at least TRIED to like it. You should get a lot of colored pictures from your first graders for that.

BTW, where have I been? I have a backlog of Cheeseboy posts apparently. I'm catching up!

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Here I defended your manhood on my own blog for watching this show and you just went and made my day!

OOOo wee I love a good rant!

Gerb said...

Has the new season started? I had no idea. Maybe you could just do recaps like this one after each episode? You were spot on.