Why I can no longer be America's only Man-Gleek.

"Glee:  Women tested. Women approved."

That should be the show's slogan.  It's not.  Instead the slogan is, "Glee: Sue Sylvester is a jerk."

Alas, I must admit, I was once was a Gleek.  Yes, I had a framed picture of Rachel on my wall, a signed Kurt silk scarf and even an Arnie toy wheelchair.*  I was totally on board the Glee train to Loserville and I represented a key demographic the producers were targeting: Male, straight and a married First Grade teacher.  

Sadly, Superbowl Sunday marked the official end to my Gleekdom. I was deeply offended by the episode that aired immediately after the game.  I was not offended as fan or even as a human being; rather, I was offended as a sports-loving, American male.  The show was a painful display of football ignorance not seen since since this pathetic showing:

Now, I am well aware of the fact that the very essence of Glee asks that the viewer suspend rational belief. I am also aware that the very essence of Glee requires a male viewer to urinate out any testosterone he may have left in his body for the duration of the show.  Nevertheless, this episode went beyond suspending rational thought into the idiotic and absurd.  Allow me to demonstrate some choice cuts from this episode:

Insane Glee Football World: In the opening scene, McKinley High simply needs to kneel down and they win the game.  In the huddle (which lasts over 2 minutes), Finn and Karofsky start arguing about the Glee club.  Finn is distracted, loses control of the ball when it is hiked and they other team returns it for a touchdown.  Coach Beast (a woman) tosses over the Gatorade table in disgust.

My reaction: No one is thinking about singing in the Glee Club during a huddle... or the game for that matter!  The team should be flagged for delay of game for having a 2 minute huddle.  If they hike the ball and kneel down then everyone just goes home.  Oh, except for the coach, who should be suspended for the next three games for throwing over the Gatorade table. 

Insane Glee Football World: After the game, the entire team is bickering in the locker room.  Puckerman gets in a fist fight with Karofsky.  Coach Beast (a woman) enters the boys locker room and yells, "Everyone get the hell out of here!  Bunch of Babies!"

My Reaction: The players should be suspended for fighting and Coach Beast (a woman) should get sued because she entered the boys locker room.  

The black guy looks concerned.

Insane Glee Football World: Will Schuester and Coach Beast chat about ways to unite the team.  They decide that their best option to win a championship is to have all of the players unite with the Glee Club to sing show tunes. 

My Reaction: Actually, yeah, this makes perfect sense.  Absolute perfect sense.

Insane Glee Football World: Rachel and Puck sing I Need You Now by Lady Antebellum to the football team. 

My Reaction: No.

Insane Glee Football World: The cheerleaders drop out of the halftime show to compete in their cheerleader competition.  The football players have to put on their own halftime show.  They choose to perform a mashup of Michael Jackson's Thriller with the Yeah Yeah Yeah's Heads Will Roll. 

My Reaction: Okay, now this is making more sense.  I mean, any perfectly rational coach would want his team out there dancing instead of planning and resting during halftime.  (Also, I scream at my television for ruining my favorite Yeah Yeah Yeah's song.  I wonder how a dork like Schuester would even know such a song exists.)

Insane Glee Football World: Most of the football team quits but they are still allowed to compete with four girls and a boy in a wheelchair.  Oh, and they are still two players short of fielding a full team.

My Reaction: I got the football players dancing at halftime, but this is a little crazy.  Crazy like a fox!  (If the fox was retarded.)

Insane Glee Football World: Even though they are two players short and playing with four girls that simply lie down on the ground on every play (not to mention a boy in a wheelchair), the team is only down 17-0 at halftime in the championship game.

My reaction: At this point of the show, I want to decapitate the writers.  I'm afraid it has already been done a couple months ago.  

Insane Glee Football World: Right before halftime, Finn gives the game ball to the blond kid with the giant lips who, even though they were two players short, had been sitting on the sideline watching because... that is just what backup quarterbacks do.

My reaction: I shot my television.  There is a gaping hole in the middle of my 62 inch HD TV.  

 - - Do I really need to tell you how this all ended?  Likely not, given that 90% of my readers actually watched this bull unfold before your eyes.  But, just in case, here is how I HEARD it ended:

Finn talks the cheerleaders into coming back for the halftime show.  Puck talks the players that quit into performing as well.  After they sing and dance, the players keep on their makeup and use it as a tactical advantage. Of course, given renewed enthusiasm and spark by the power of the dance, the McKinley players come back strong in the second half but still trail with seconds to go.  They begin to chant "Brains!  Brains!" as the opposing team is about to kneel down to end the game.  This causes a huge distraction and the opposing team fumbles the ball, McKinely picks it up and scores the winning touchdown.  It would not have been possible without the blond boys enormous, freakish lips.

That was it for me.  I am officially DONE with Glee.  Sorry producers, but you have lost a member of your key demographic. (The pasty-white, 30 something man with a sweet Hyundia Elantra in the driveway.)

*Wheelchair was not actually an Arnie replica, but just a normal toy wheelchair that I wrote "Arnie" on the back of with a black Sharpie.**

**They do make toy wheelchairs.  They are part of the G.I. Joe "Aging Veteran" series.***

***"Aging Veteran" series only available in VA hospital gift shops and Target.****

****Target has since discontinued G.I. Joe "Aging Veteran" series due to complaints.*****

*****Complaints were mainly about a choking hazard of the tiny back brace.******

******Back brace also contained lead as the  G.I. Joe "Aging Veteran" series was made in China.