Friday, February 18, 2011

A Cheeseboy Decree: Death to the High-Five and Fist-Bump

On this, the 18th day of February in the year 2011 of our Lord, I Cheeseboy, by the powers invested in me by the state of Blogsylvania, declare the High-Five dead.

I, Cheeseboy, also declare the Fist-Bump lame and the "Fist-Bump into 'Splosions" PUTRIDLY lame. (See Howie Mandel)

Cheeseboy (which is I as hath been determined by previous paragraph), also declare the following as acceptable alternatives to the high-five and fist-bumps:



  • E.T. finger touches
  • Open-palmed tickles
  • Interlocking finger curls
  • Double interlocking finger curls
  • "This is the church and this is the steeples" 
  • Tongue touches
  • Tiger claws
  • Bear claws
  • Horse claws (difficult)
  • Elbow bumps
  • Head butts (softly)
  • Backward head butts (lined up appropriately) 
  • Corn doggers (arm hair required)
  • Back pats (without hug)
  • Back pats (with hug)
  • Nipple winks (extreme difficulty, special training required)
  • Sanitizer squirts (mutual & non-mutual)
  • Soccer Mom scratching 
  • Face punches (fake)
  • Face punches (real)
  • Handshakes 
I, Cheeseboy, hereby decree that this law will go into effect immediately. Thank you for your understanding. 

It hath been said.

48 comments:

Oilfield Trash said...

I concur.

mintifresh said...

I'm a little concerned about the tongue touches and the nipple winks, however, I am intrigued..

Kelloggsville said...

Soccer Mom scratching ?!

Kate said...

This would make for more entertaining...or more disturbing...sports events.

Sausage Fingers said...

Soccer mom scratching????

how will one get through saturdays at the field?

Kristina P. said...

How about Jazz hands and nipple touches?

Gerb said...

I don't know... my 2-year-old does the fist-bump into 'spolsions and it's pretty cute. We actually call it Rock-Pow, so maybe it's still okay?

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

There's a few weird ones in there ... hope you don't use them on your class! Not sure what Soccer Mom scratching is. Guess it's cuz I'm not a soccer mom maybe?

Brittney said...

hahahaha

Pat Tillett said...

I totally agree!
Define nipple winks please...

Deborah said...

I'm awesome at nipple winks! Like Carrie gives Doug yes? (King of Queens)

Everyday Goddess said...

I hate open-palmed tickles. Scary.

Heidi (lilmommyfoofoo) said...

bwahahaha!!!!
I am in tears my friend, (and not the kind of tears that came earlier at the "grammy seizures" comment)
My two nephews and I can barely breathe we are laughing so hard!

Kate said...

I hate hate the treadmill. But it was run on the treadmill or run in 2 feet of snow in a strange city. It was close, but the treadmill won. Was that "faculty" Valentine not hilarious?

Katie said...

I just wanna know whose gonna be "winking" my nipples??? You never know what I might be up for!

And I'm with Kristina P. - what about Jazz hands????

T said...

all in favor say Aye!

Aye...

well, except maybe the nipple winks, I'm pretty sure I don't have that kind of special training.

From Tracie said...

I think an E.T. finger touch with a little Sanitizer squirt thrown in for good measure would work for me.

Connie said...

Just when I was getting the Fist Bump perfected!

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

I never understood the stupid fist bump. It's taken me 50 years to perfect the high five... and don't you hate it when you high five some pasty little wimp who just holds their mildly moist hand gently against yours? I mean, if you're going to do it, slap it! Give it some emotion! Some feeling! No moist, ok? Can you add that? No moist?
Oh, and you forgot Wolf Nipple Chips.

Jillybean said...

I'm confused about the Soccer Mom scratching.
Do you scratch the soccer mom, or does she scratch you?

dbs said...

"It hath been said" = awesome. Is it still okay to pinkie-swear though?

"Miss Bee" said...

You're definitely going to have to do a follow-up post defining nipple winks and Soccer Mom scratching.

And since I call it "knucks," I will continue to fist bump anyone who gives me reason to question their sanitary habits. Although elbow bumps would work too.... might have to start a revolution.

Amy said...

:) I don't know, high fives are just so easy. SOme of the other things (tongue touches? Head buts) not so easy. But still, it made me laugh.

Impulsive Addict said...

Dude...I think several of these need additional information!
Tongue Touches? Corn doggers? Nipple winks? Sanitizer Squirts (which sounds totally dirty)? Soccer Mom scratching?

Or maybe you just need to move because not all parts of the US participate in these special bumps. Or maybe you're just getting punked.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

You had me at the church and steeple one. This was another hysterical post, Cheeseboy. I'm thinking a Jewish gal could use an alternative to that church one. ("Here's the Temple and inside are the Jews. Open the doors, and see how they snooze." That's all I got. I'm sure you could do better.)
Thanks for the laughs.
xoRobyn

Joann Mannix said...

I don't know what this corn dog thing is and why it requires arm hair, but for that reason alone, I think it should be expelled from the list. Also, soccer mom scratching? If you saw any of the soccer moms on my daughter's team, you would understand why I have no reason in scratching anything on a soccer mom.

I think you should add face slapping to the list. There's nothing like a good face slap.

Nicole said...

This is fabulous! You had me at ET finger touches.. hahahahahaa

tammy said...

I still think I'm gonna go with the high-five to the face. Especially for the lady in the McD's drive-thru.

Mindy said...

Apparently, my 2 year-old is ahead of the game. He is the master of head butts, but his are not gentle!

Lisa Loo said...

WHY do we have to touch strangers or "sort of acquaintances" at all???!!!
What ever happened to personal bubble space??
As in--coating oneself with so much hand sanitizer as to create a bubble around oneself.
I may or may not have a few issues I need to work on.
I definitely need some definitions though--I only know what 3 or 4 of the things on that list are.
{hangs head in acceptable rules of contact shame}

Lourie said...

Tongue touches....eeeew. haha...I think most of those are acceptable. ;)

Pedaling said...

It's about time!

Still working on mastering the horse claws.

Justin said...

You are one strange duck... but I completely agree with you here!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Make it so!
And can you give me a visual on the horse claws?

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

So it is written. So it is done.
~Pharaoh Ben Kanobi
*steeple*

00dozo said...

Personally, I think anyone over 28 really can't pull off a fist-bump without looking ... how should I say ... nerdy?(I would know.)

Nipple wink? Can you demonstrate that?
;-)

lindsey v said...

Never!
Long live the high-five!

Pat said...

I have no idea what a corn dogger is, and I'd have to work on my nipple winks!

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

I totally agree with Bear Claws. There a delicious. Especially with almonds or apples.

Emmy said...

I am really afraid to know what a few of those are. What about exploding pound fives? That is what my daughter gives.

Teachinfourth said...

Tongue chicken?

Jenn said...

LOL.. tongue touches? Well that will work for Chris and I, but I doubt my boss will let me do that to her!!! LMAO!!
Oh.. and YAY!!! no more fist bumps!!!!!! WOOHOOO!!!!

M-Cat said...

Intrigued by the nipple winks.
Would like to implement, not sure how. Please advise

Out of My Mind said...

OK...do you have the same malady that Howie does? I know it's mental..but does yours have a name? >>>>
>>>>kt

NotaSupermom said...

So sayeth the Cheeseboy and so shall it be.

ThreeOldKeys said...

I'm thinking "mime fives", with a thick pane of glass between us.

Actually, that barrier would make a lot these greetings more acceptable.

Lene said...

So glad that face punches are now allowed.

tiburon said...

There were a lot of words in this post that made me feel squinkie.