Sunday, July 31, 2011

Stuff Milli Vanilli Hath Said...

"Blame it on Lorraine." - Milli or Vanilli, after silent farting in Lorraine's apartment.  Probably.

"Blame it on the train." - Milli or Vanilli, while watching the movie "Unstoppable".

"Blame it on the brain." - Milli or Vanilli, trying to spell to spell "butter".

"Blame it on the drain." - Milli or Vanilli, current occupation: plumber.

"Blame it on the grain." - Milli or Vanilli, alcoholics.

I'm finally feeling better. Thanks for all of your concern. I've been kinda out of it, blogging wise.  I'll try to  swing by your blogs and leave a comment or two, ASAP.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The dog days of summer.

Howdy folks.

I have some posts brewing in my brain, but I haven't been able to formulate them onto the blog because my stomach has been making me vomit.  At any rate, I am guest posting today at The Kludgy Mom's blog with a classic Blog O' Cheese post that I know you'll love.  Please swing by and check it out.

Kludgy Mom

Friday, July 22, 2011

My Open Email to Redbook Magazine, Inc. (CC: Uniformed Firefighters Association)

Dear Redbook Magazine,

I get it.  You guys really like firefighters.  What with their chiseled pecks and their gruff exterior, they are undoubtedly the Toblerone of female eye-candy.

Each and every year I eagerly await the release of your "Hot Husband" award.  I take it into the bathroom and flip through the pages, praying this is the year that I finally get recognized. And every year I am passed up for some shirtless firefighter with three kids that he playfully wrestles next to a man-made waterfall in his backyard.

Granted, my wife never actually enters me in your little contest, but I assume some woman has, given my obvious winsome looks, charming musty odor and my soothing dental hygiene. (Less than ten lifetime cavities!)

(Given the hundreds of women that have likely submitted my photo and my previous description of myself, I trust you will have no problem deciphering which entry I am.)

I'll be the first to admit that I am not exactly "calendar material", but that is only because there is not a calendar of steamy-hot, male First Grade teachers.  I mean, there could be a calendar, but we could probably only fill up to April and that's only after Mr. Fergussen has his hernia surgery and Mr. Rickerson has had his hair replacement redone.

Look, I have nothing against firefighters, they are a marvelous bunch of brave men.  But do you really have to just hand them this award every damn year?  Yeah sure, firefighters need MORE attention drawn to their overwhelming sexiness.  They've never quite lived up to their potential in that area, right?

Now, I am not saying that I deserve this award simply because the firemen have had their turn in the spotlight.  No, I deserve this award because I have earned it.  Have you not noticed that I still have a full head of hair?  Have you not seen the hundreds of photos of my "ab"?  You've undoubtedly seen the photo of my extortionate amount of arm hair waving wildly as I stood in front of an oscillating fan.  I just don't see what the problem is here.

And it's not like I've never put out a raging fire in my life either. Yeah, I've done my share of camping and I don't even think about using plain old water to put out the campfire.  Now you tell me what's more manly?

Beyond my obvious physical features that qualify me for the title "Hottest Husband", here are some things that would probably make your women readers swoon:

- I make nearly $35,000 a year!!!
- Kids (sometimes even my own) love me!
- I own a Hyundai Elantra (2004 with air bags AND cruise control!)
- I have above average grooming techniques
- .333 lifetime recreational league softball batting average.
- A+ blood type

I realize that it is highly abnormal for a man to nominate himself for your Hottest Husband award.  But like I said, I'm sure there has to be at least four or five women to have nominated me.  Please take my application under advisement and throw out any handsome firefighter applications you may have received.

Here are some photos of me for your reference that I recently have had professionally done.  (Feel free to use any of them as the centerfold for your issue.)

*I'll let you know if and when I receive a response from either Redbook Magazine or the Uniformed Firefighters Association.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Only Time These Slimy Pick Up Lines Actually Work

So, do you come here often?

Why yes, I live here. My dad owns the place.  I have a little room in the back where I sleep and there's a little hole for my pigeons to climb in and out of.  I've decorated the walls with tin foil and glow-in-the-dark Hello Kitty stickers. There's not a ton of room and my 8 cats hate sharing one litter box, but that's the way it goes sometimes.  It's so nice of you to ask.  It's not often someone shows an interest in my home.

Are your legs tired because you've been running through my mind all night long.

No, they're not tired at all.  These are artificial legs.  I lost my legs in a freak spin class accident a couple years ago.  The fact that you thought my legs were genuine is actually quite a compliment.  I am highly attracted to you right now and your ignorance of my handicap makes you quite desirable.

I forgot my number, can I have yours? 

Why yes, I work for the phone company.  You wouldn't believe how many morons are forgetting their own phone number.  I'm not saying you are a moron, just that morons are constantly... forget it.  Anyway, you can reach me at 411.  You can ask for me, my name is Barbara, but any of the ladies there can help you with your lost number problem.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Really?  Because I am an alphabet consultant for the US government and the President of the United States has asked me to start a special commission to look into rearranging the alphabet.  What you've told me makes perfect sense.  I'd like to hire you immediately. The pay is a measly 200 grand per year and  it's going to take a lot of one-on-one work and a lot of time together, but I think we can create something the President will like.  You in or what?

How does it feel to be the most beautiful girl in the room?

You do realize that we are at the Miss America After-Party and I came in 47th place, right?  Wait. Hold on... were you one of the judges?  You were, weren't you?  You were the one that actually voted for me!  I KNEW IT!  Thank you.  It's good to finally meet a man that knows beauty when he sees it.  Do you wanna get out of here?

Monday, July 18, 2011

This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates

Once a month, I  post a rundown of my best Facebook and Twitter status updates.  Although this month's is a tad bit late, here they are. I'd love to hear your favorites.  Or your least favorites.  

7-16-11 at 6:15 PM: It's ""Carmageddon" here in tiny Leeds, Utah! Seriously, a car drove by like 12 minutes ago.

7-15-11 at 3:53 PM: I am on vacation, but I don't want to look like I am on vacation, so I am wearing a tank top, white tube socks, Jesus sandals, man-capris and a black fanny pack. Blending in.

7-14-11 at 1:17 PMPeople that say "I just love spending time with my kids" do not go on road trips.

7-12-11 at 8:39 AMLadies, you know who else wore feathers in their hair? American Indians. And we all know what happened to them. (They own casinos.)

7-11-11 at 2:24 PMI've been to eight 7-11's today! 8! Only two more and I'll have enough free slurpee to fill my 22 ounce mug!

7-9-11 at 7:02 PMI wish my 5 year old son had half as much excitement for cleaning his room as he does for pushing an elevator button.

7-7-11 at 8:16 PMI'm afraid that a large portion of my Facebook friends are lying about stuff they actually "like" just to win free stuff. Can't trust them. Defriending all...

7-7-11 at 8:44 PMThe worst part of being a teacher in the summer is that when my wife finds glitter in my hair, I can't blame it on an art project.

7-6-11 at 11:59 AM: As a teacher, I love having summers off so I can spend more time yelling at my kids to go outside and do something.

7-4-11 at 3:01 PMHappy Fourth of July everyone! (Unless you are a Jehovah Witness friend. In which case, happy regular day in July.)

7-1-11 at 4:52 PM: I went to the zoo the other day and jokingly asked a zookeeper, "So, how realistic is that new Zookeeper movie?" She laughed, said, "not very", closed the van door and then the gorilla drove her away.

7-1-11 at 3:27 PMChina had General Tso. America had Colonel Sanders. It's a shame they never met on the battlefield because they were both too chicken.

7-1-11 at 2:00 PMI'm grasping at straws for something funny to post. Like a midget at the 7-11 soda fountain.

7-1-11 at 12:01 PMBefore sliced bread, people would say, "It's the best thing since regular bread." Or, "It's the best thing since knives."

7-1-11 at 9:16 AMI remember a time when 3D movies were just the worst thing to do at Disneyland.

7-1-11 at 8:06 AM: When I saw my pet bunny had survived the amputation, I knew at that moment that my new rabbit's foot was indeed very lucky.

6-30-11 at 7:59 PMToday I learned that just because the microwave popcorn bag says "Movie Theater" on it does not mean that they will microwave it for you there.

6-29-11 at 5:17 PMI tell my kids: "Find a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck" does not apply if the penny is in a urinal.

6-27-11 at 8:53 PM: I always get confused if T.M.I. stands for "Too Much Information" or "Tell More Information!". Especially when I talk about my weird mole.

6-27-11 at 12:35 PM: My neighbor just came over and asked if we owned a fax machine. A fax machine?! I told him no, but he was welcome borrow my Sony Walkman, Commodor 64 computer or my calculator watch.

6-25-11 at 4:52 PMA wetsuit is the comb-over of swimwear when worn at a water park.

6-24-11 at 7:59 PMDeer friends, 
I'd just like to say you are the best! I could not ask for better friends. I hope you know how much I appreciate you. And I am a little surprised that you are using facebook, what with your hoofs and all.

6-22-11 at 6:48 PM: Did you guys hear? Subway discovered you can put avocado on sandwiches! They're super excited about it too. Avocado! Not to be outdone, Burger King is currently researching putting bacon on hamburgers.

6-21-11 at 2:00 PMEver come home from a really long trip and you notice your house kinda smells and you wonder if you are the smelly family on the block and no one dares tell you? Asking for a friend.

6-19-11 at 6:30 PMFamous Philadelphia cheese steak for lunch, greasy thin crust Phili pizza for dinner, this is the best kind of Philadelphia Father's Day heartburn!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

What Parents Say/What Kids Hear

My kid. Seemed fitting.
What Parents Say/What Kids Hear

"Stop playing video games and go play outside." = "Go to the neighbors and play video games."

"COME INSIDE AND EAT DINNER!" = "Quick, hide!"

"Go clean your room." = "Stand in the center of your room and whine. Continue until yelled at."

"Stop crying." = "Cry harder."

"Eat your dinner or no dessert." = "Take tiny bites and make moaning noises until we cave. Also, pretend to gag a lot."

"Brush your teeth." = "Stand on the toilet.  Hang on towel rack."

"Stop fighting with your brother." = "Please go on a 15 minute rant to inform us who 'started it'.  We find this information very useful and it matters very much to us."

"You can't have a sleepover tonight." = "SCREAM!"

"Please put your dishes in the dishwasher." = "Please throw your dish in the dishwasher. Run out the door at full speed. Yell, "BYE MOM!"

"Close the door!" = Moan, turn around, walk over to the door, close it in disgust, walk to kitchen, look for something to eat."

"Go take a shower." = "Stand in shower for 20 minutes. Act surprised when you get yelled at to get out."

"Hurry and find your shoes!" = "Look in closet. If not there, cry and scream 'I CAN'T FIND THEM! Make mom angry.  Make her look everywhere while you just stand in the middle of the room and cry. Allow her to find them by the door.  Watch as she says, 'THEY'RE RIGHT HERE!'.  Stop crying and smile.  Listen to your angry mom say, 'If you just put them where they belong you could find them!'  Act relieved.  Repeat entire process in two days." 

Monday, July 11, 2011

Perhaps the funniest First Grade vomiting story you will ever read.

When you teach first grade, watching children vomit becomes commonplace.  It's kinda like being a New York City cab driver or a modeling agency bathroom attendant.  

Throwing up is an almost every day event in the first grade. As a result, I have countless puking stories, (they seem to come in "chunks"), but I have yet to share my favorite. Today, that changes! 
My first year of teaching was eight years ago and I can honestly say I was a little bit mortified the first time a kid in my class puked all over his desk. That was day two.  For the next two months or so, the puking incidents began to pile up and I my mind started to numb to its nasty, sour smell. 

An interesting side note: I was shocked to see that the custodian doesn't throw sawdust on the vomit anymore.  When I was a kid, I was always comforted by the smell of sawdust after a peer's throw-up-fit at school. It was almost as if I looked forward to it.  Nowadays, they have a giant Vomit Vacuum that simply rolls over the pile of puke, sucks it up, shampoos the carpet and gives you a pedicure all in one motion.  

One day, for old-times sake, I threw some sawdust on the vomit that I had hidden in my cupboard.  The custodian arrived, looked down at the spread before him and proclaimed, "What did that kid eat?!"

After my class's 14th vomiting episode of the school year, our carpet screamed for mercy and about the same time the months changed to October. Fortunately, the carpet gods were indeed merciful and the students in my class made it nearly three weeks without a single burp-and-flurp episode! It was heaven. (I assume kids don't puke in heaven. They just dry heave, but the heaves makes them feel warm and comfortable, as it should in heaven.)

October was also the month that our school hosted our annual "Vehicle Day".  This was a very special day in which dozens of different kinds of vehicles cluttered the playground, waiting to be probed by the hundreds of sticky-handed children at our school.  At the event there was an ambulance, a dog catcher truck, a fire engine, something that looked suspiciously like the Pope-Mobile and an ice cream van, fully equipped with a greasy, child-molesting-looking driver.  

My class rotated through the stations with intense interest.  The dump truck man showed them how to dump a load.  They oohed.  The city sweepers showed them how to turn on the brooms.  They aahed.  The ice cream man showed them the spot in the truck where he slept.  They lost interest.  (Later, we learned that the ice cream man had not even been invited to Vehicle Day.  He had just shown up, which makes me believe ice cream men cannot be trusted even MORE than I had originally thought.)  

With one rotation left, we hurriedly ran to the last stop on our Tour-De-Automobiles.  Much to my shock, the last vehicle that my class would be exploring would be a Hearse, complete with empty casket sitting on the ground and an rickety, nightmarish driver. This should be interesting.

Now I wish that I could tell you that I was kidding, that a funeral home would think twice about sending a Hearse to show to a group of 6-year-olds, but that was indeed the case.  Of this death car, I tell the truth and only the truth.  I am Honest Abe.  Truth is what I do.

Believe me, there was a Hearse sitting next to the jungle gym on our playground and my students were fascinated. 

The driver greeted us coyly and I SWEAR he started his "presentation" with the line, "I bet you kids are dying to get a look at this car, right?!"  

I was the only one that laughed.  

The driver then began to explain the ins-and-outs of the car, showing them the automatic windows and the dashboard.  He then showed the children where the bodies go and explained what the car is actually used for.  A collective gasp could be heard from the bundle of adolescents huddling together in the cold, staring at the brand new reaper-wagon as if it were Spongebob himself.


It still doesn't sound right, but that is in fact what the old man said, while patting the top of the car as if it were his grandson's matted hair.  

"Why, I don't know if we have time.  I mean, we probably should go in.", I protested, assuming that the old craggy dodger would simply accept my somewhat authoritative, half-assed stance.  

"Why nonsense! You guys are the last one of the day.  Bring those kids in and make a line.  We've got plenty of time!"

Without a chance for me to get a word in edgewise, the kids cheered in unison and lined up, eager to try their hand at an early death.  Then, one by one, they lay down in the back of the Hertz for two or three seconds, giggled and then exited through the back door.  As they left, the feisty old man gave each of them a pencil with "Johnson Mortuary, Serving the community since 1905" stamped across the side. 

I imagined my students handing their mother the pencil as they walked through the front door.  "Mom, dad! GUESS WHAT I GOT TO DO TODAY!" they would proclaim as their parents would listen in horror.

About half way through the line, I noticed little Sarah, the smallest student in the class was about to enter the Hearse.  Sarah was shy, kind and cute-as-a-button, but way cuter than the Mortuary buttons the driver was handing out.  I was lucky to get Sarah to say more than five words a day to me.  She was painfully timid. Today would not be different.

Sarah pulled herself into the Hearse, laid down, turned her head and puked all over the brand-new, carpeted interior of the drivable tomb.  

The driver and I both rushed to the scene; he was yelling something about the wood paneling, I was trying to help Sarah out of the car.  I pulled Sarah free from the sticky, napped rug as she coughed and cried.  The driver rushed to his glovebox, grabbed a pile of napkins and started dabbing the chunky slime.  After 15 seconds of dab-dab-dabbing away, his napkins were full.  He looked up at me with a half disgusted, half angry glare. I shall never forget that glare. I'm sure I'll be still thinking of it during my own Hearse ride.  I told little Philip to run and get the custodian. 

"Do it now Philip!  HURRY!"

A few minutes later, the custodian returned with a bucket, some rags and some sort of scraping device.  He began the vile clean up process and for the first time since I graduated from college, I was grateful for my degree.  Four years of hard work and study had separated me from being inside that car with the puke or outside the car with the kids.

I walked Sarah to the office, where the secretary put her on a bed with some of that thin wax paper across the top.  When I returned, my class was sitting on the grass, some clearly ticked that they did not get a chance to lie in the Hearse.  I walked over to the veteran driver, who was still standing outside the car, watching our sweaty custodian clean the inside of his brand-new Mercedes Hearse the best he could.  We stood for a few seconds in silence and finally I had to say something.

"Look, I am really sorry about this."

He was still angry, but cordial.  "Yeah, crap like that happens sometimes, I guess." 

"You have no idea!" I replied smugly, checking off good old number 15 in my brain.

We stood in awkward silence for a few more seconds while the custodian finished up.  Finally, the humbled driver spoke up.

"Hey, don't they use sawdust for that anymore?"

"No, weird thing - they stopped using that years ago."

"That's a shame.  That stuff was great."

"Yeah, I know."

Saturday, July 9, 2011

My First Graders sing TV Show theme songs.

Last May, I thought I would blow the parents of my first graders away with a little medley of theme songs from TV shows.  It took a lot of time, but my first graders had it mastered by program time.

FYI: I had a lot of people ask me if all of these students were in my class.  No, this is all four first grade classes at our school combined.  Although, a class of 80 kids would considered strange around these parts.

This was also the first time I have attempted to have first graders do "solos".  The result was terrific.  Check it out!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

What I imagine people will think when I update my Facebook profile information

What I imagine people will think when I update my Facebook profile information.

- That Abe sure is an interesting fellow.  I'd like to learn more about his likes and dislikes. The more information I have about Abe, the better!  It's a good thing he has a lot of information about himself on his Facebook profile.

- Look at this, he has his birthday listed, but not his year.  That's probably not because he is ashamed of his age, but because he is on the lookout for identity thieves. He's always been very cognizant of those types of safety issues.  He's very responsible.

- It says that he's married.  Why, that is a bummer, but it only makes sense, with how he is such a magnificent man and all, of course some woman has gobbled him up by now.

- Ah, I see he is a high school graduate.  That would explain why he is well spoken and so well versed in so many areas.  And of course he went to Highland High School, the elite of the elites of the three Salt Lake City public high schools!  I would have not thought any differently.  I bet he was so popular too.

- The more I read Abe's profile, the more impressed I am with him.  Did you know that he graduated from the University of Utah in 2000?  That's a mere six years after he graduated high school!  Clearly, he takes his education seriously and it shows!

- Wow.  His musical tastes range from Neil Diamond to Bell X1.  Who knew he had such a range of interesting and eclectic taste in music? I'm going to have to email him to get some recommendations.

- And here I thought his taste in music was diverse and inspired, but his taste in movies is even more impressive.  I mean, had I known one of his favorite movies was The Shawshank Redemption, I would have taken him much more seriously!  I'm going to have to apologize.

- HOLD THE PHONE!  What's this.  He likes Disneyland?  That is one of his many interests?  I love Disneyland!  This proves that despite being clearly intelligent, he is also a family man and down to earth.  I appreciate this very much about his personality. He is an amazing, amazing man.

- This has been so interesting.  I am so glad I spent the last 70 minutes looking at Abe's profile.  I feel like I now have someone to look up to in life.  I look forward to his future updates!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Abe's Seven Easy Days to Slightly Overweight Maintenance Freedom

Use these stretchy things if you want.
One of the most common questions I get from loved ones, unloved ones, well-fed soccer moms and hobos is: Abe you look terrific, just amazing! Your looks are an inspiration.  So tell me, how is it that you are able to have such half-chiseled, half-flabby arms while maintaining a stoic, dignified fifteen-pound-overweight look for all these years?

I can't tell you how many times I've been asked this question, and in those exact words as well.  It's like daily clockwork if I had any understanding of how clocks actually work.

So, as a gift to my readers and the other countless people that I have forgotten to give a "Secret Santa" gift to over the years, I have developed a strict diet plan.  When rigorously followed over a week long period, this plan is guaranteed to give you a body type just like mine. If you are a woman, it is guaranteed to give you a female version of my body, which is to say it will make you look like Ellen Degeneres with a slightly larger gut.

I have developed this diet and exercise plan over a three year period of trial and error and I can honestly say that since I have begun the program I have not gained a single pound. (Or lost a single pound.) Much to my chagrin (A "chagrin" is what I call my double chin when I smile), I have continued to be able to enjoy my noble, slightly portly look that drives all the ladies mad. ("Ladies" meaning my wife. "Mad" meaning likely annoyed.)

Now, without further ado (or further "adon't),  I give you "Abe's Seven Easy Days to Slightly Overweight Maintenance Freedom".



Given that it is Monday and you are having a hard time getting self started, I find that a 12 ounce can of regular Coca Cola and a chocolate chip granola bar are just the thing to give you the pep to get to work. You could go with a Diet Coke but that little extra sugar makes it taste good and since breakfast is the most important meal of the day, it's important to drink the entire can.  

I find that eating breakfast while driving to my workplace works best.  In my car, I am free from extra temptations like a second can of Coca Cola or a Hostess Ding Dong.  Eating in your car also helps burn additional calories, especially if you turn the radio station a lot or spill your Coke and desperately try and use your glovebox napkins to wipe up the mess in traffic. (Up to 30 additional calories burned!)


If you're like me, you have very little time to eat lunch so going out is not always an option. I pack a lunch, which I delicately prepare before shoving off in the morning with my Coke and granola bar.  Packing a lunch also burns additional calories which will help you maintain that sleek look your spouse has come to secretly and begrudgingly accept. (Up to 36 additional calories burned!) 

That being said, I generally pack a nice sandwich, preferably turkey or other white meat, a few chips and  a Ding Dong.  Lunch is where you can make up for some of those extra calories you ate in the morning, so I suggest drinking just one additional 12 ounce Coke instead of two. You may want to go with Diet, but you've had a rough morning, so regular it is!


When I get home, I want to just roll up in a ball and nap in the corner until supper is served. Unfortunately, I live in a round house and what corners I do have are completely manufactured from rectangular shaped furniture.  Certainly, I don't want to be a sell out so I skip the nap.

My wife makes dinner, which is generally something fairly tasty.  I like to eat the things that she makes and depending on what she makes, I like to have two helpings.   

So here is my rule for dinner:  If it is good, go ahead and have two helpings.  If it is gross, save yourself those calories and use them as "bonus bucks" for something later in the evening. Bonus bucks come in handy if you are hungry right before bedtime.  All scientists agree that the best time to eat is 30 minutes before you hit the hay. Even scientists that study things such as fish biology agree that eating before bedtime helps you to make it through the night without having to get up for a snack. (I know this because my cousin is a fish biologist and avid eater.)

By skipping out on the extra helping of gross food, you are saving yourself as many as 40,000 calories!  (Depending on the food.)  Look, there is no way your evening snack is going to be 40,000 calories.  I use this magical and mystic logic when I tell my wife I am full after a gross meal.  (Few and far between.  She is a great cook.) 

A dinner soda strictly depends on what your spouse is drinking.  If they are drinking soda, go ahead and indulge.  If not, steer clear.  Save those calories for another occasion.  You may hear your spouse say things such as, "Is that your third soda today?  You are so addicted!" and this will make you feel guilt.  It is important to feel guilt free on this program.  Guilt makes you gain weight and we all know we simply want to maintain that little extra something in the middle. 


It's important to keep your snacks light and healthy. That is why I prefer the French Onion chips over the BBQ.  Hey, at least there is a vegetable in there!  And why not pack some celery?  Or how about WHY pack celery?  Have you tried those things? They taste like water combined with crunchy nothing!

I keep a box of wheat thins at work.  Low in calories and tasty, they fill me up so I will only eat one Twinkie rather than my normal two.  

It's best to just NOT BUY unhealthy snacks so you are NOT tempted to engorge.  That's why I have my wife buy them for me.  Less guilt.  They're there, what am I supposed to do?  But keep them to a minimum.  I like the old rule of thumb: "One snack for every meal, unless you are more hungry than that."  It's something we dietitians like to say. 


I don't have a lot of advice regarding desserts except to eat them, but sparingly.  Desserts can really pile up the calories in a hurry.  I find that if I am out at a restaurant, it is best to gorge myself with the main course, so that when the waiter brings the tray of plastic desserts to look at, I can be honest with him and say, "No thanks, I'm full."  

Rather than eat dessert, eat an extra Olive Garden breadstick or cheesy bread or take an additional trip to the salad bar and get some jello or chocolate pudding.  After all, pudding is not dessert.  It's at the salad bar for pete's sake! Salad is good for you. Which brings me to my next topic...

Eating out:

Inevitably, you will be doing just great on my seven day program when a friend will call you and say, "Do you guys want to go out to dinner tonight?"  Always, no matter what the circumstances, answer this question with a rambunctious, "YES!  HECK YEAH WE DO!"  But don't seem overly desperate.  No one likes a desperate eater. 

When eating out, I always skip the salad.  I always say, "they're just empty calories", which is true because you burn more calories chewing lettuce than it actually has in it.  It's like eating a hollow piece of air.  There is no truer form of empty calories than lettuce.  Skip it.  

You may want to get the soup, but only if there is cheese.  Cheese has milk in it and milk is one of the four major food groups.  As you have read through my plan, you may have noticed that there is not a lot of milk in it.  Now's your chance!  Get the soup, but make sure it has cheese.

If they ask you if you'd like mozzarella, say yes, but ALWAYS say "when" before the other people at your table say "when".  Tell the other people at the table that you are on a diet and don't want to overdo it. This will not only impress them, but you've already had your milk group in the soup so no need to beat a dead horse.  Besides, dead horse might be on the menu and then you'd be beating two dead horses in one meal. 

Finally, eat enough that you can skip dessert. (Saves up to 4,000 calories!)

Things to think about:

Mondays: Being the first day of the work week, Monday is going to present some challenges to stay faithful to the plan.  You may feel overwhelmed, stressed or even fat-tigued from your Sunday dinner of waffles and corn chowder.  Believe me, this is quite common for the unmotivated and it is something that needs to be overcome. 

Soda: Constantly talk about giving up soda.  Again, this gives others the impression that you are serious about this diet and if you talk about it enough, someday you just might do it.  We've all heard that common saying, "You talk a big game but you don't back it up until you talk about it enough to make everyone crazy and think it will never happen."  It's a fairly common saying.

Movies: When going to the movies, eat the popcorn, but ask if you can put on the butter yourself.  The theater workers tend to pile on the butter.  If you want to take control of your diet and make this work, it's important that you pile on the butter, not the movie theater workers.  Take control of your destiny people!

Water: Drink lots of water between sodas.  It will help you feel less guilty and it will dilute the soda.


Here is perhaps the most important part of my diet plan.  In order to maintain your sexy lifestyle and frontal curves (below the torso), it is important to burn off at least some of those calories.

Look, I run somewhere between 4-8 miles a day.  If you can't do this, you need not fear.  Just take my dietary recommendations and cut them in half.  Do exactly half of what I have suggested.  If you can run 4-8 miles a day, do it.  You will feel better and you will forever remain in "borderline overweight limbo".

Finally, if you do embark on my program, I ask that you do one thing.  I need some before and after shots.  I need absolute proof that people that take on my diet plan bodies stay exactly the same shape and size.  So if you could put on some spandex shorts and email me those photos in a PDF, that would be great.  Also, if you could find a giant scale like on the Biggest Loser and take your pictures while standing on it, that would be even better.

Client: Before
Client: After

- - Thank you and I wish you all the best of luck on the Abe's Seven Easy Days to Slightly Overweight Maintenance Freedom!!!

Friday, July 1, 2011

An Open Letter to my Junior High School Bully

Dear Junior High Tormentor that I shall call "Dillon",

I found you. You know, you really should protect your Facebook account.  You see, I now know everything about you and your pathetic little life.

You do remember me, right?  Abe, from Junior High?  Do you remember how you would make fun of me in the lunchroom and call me a "weirdo" and "not right in the head"?  Do you remember mocking me for my overabundance of facial acne, my crush on Tiffany (still hot) and my preoccupation with nerdy Chris Elliott comedies? Do you recall the time I broke both my legs skiing and when I came back to school, you called me a "loser cripple"?

Yeah, that was hilarious, right?

Oh, and let us not forget the time you dumped the contents of my backpack in the hall. That was killer awesome.

Now, look at you.  Just look at you.  Karma has its way of evening things out, right?  I mean, just look at you, what with your pathetic 4,000 square foot house on the hill.  How does that make you feel, Mr. Giant House?  Looks like Richie Rich has finally grown up and bought a place of his own!

Oh, I'll see your 4,000 foot palace and raise you a 2,000 foot 1950's bungalow with "potential" and "charm".

Win: Me.

It says here that you have become a lawyer.  Ha ha!  A lawyer of all things!  You do realize that people hate lawyers, don't you? How long did you have to go to go to school for that?  8 years?  And I bet you are making what, like $200,000 a year?  How does that feel, Mr. Bigshot?

Ha!  I only had to go to school for 6 years and I make $30,000 a year, which is only $170,000 less than you do, loser.  Plus, I actually like my job.

Win: Me.

Well, I see that you have stayed in shape; you still have that six pack. That was just always you, wasn't it?  Athlete of the year, All-State in every sport including Douchebaggery, jockstrap wearer, not afraid to shower in front of others; you seemed to have done it all.

Well, I know this much: I bet you've never run a full mile after pooping yourself.  And I am fairly confident that you have far less blog followers than I do.  My gut tells me you probably haven't even attempted to eat two Five Guys burgers in one sitting.

Win: Me

Look at this.  You've got pictures of your four adorable kids and your extremely plasticy wife. Congratulations.  I'm sure they'll make you batty with their constant arguing about who gets to take the Beemer and who gets to take the Benz.  Haha! Sucker.

Here, take a look at MY family.  That's right, my wife is 100% real AND beautiful. Get this, she even looks stunning in clothes purchased at dives such as The Gap. Not only that, but she manages to survive on my measly salary while taking care of these two cute boys that will NEVER, EVER ask to drive my Beemer.  Just my Hyundai.

Win: Me. 

So, there you have it, you slimy little twerp.  GAME, SET, MATCH ABE!

PS: Does your firm handle bankruptcy claims?  Seriously, I hear you guys are the best!