Friday, February 26, 2010

I am so stinkin' LOST!

I've invested 6 years of my life to the TV show Lost. 6 years! I have spent countless nights laying in bed, contemplating the meaning, the connections, the time travel, the polar bears. 6 years I have wracked my brain, grasping at straws to find some understanding. I love this show, perhaps more than any other show I have ever watched, but I find myself repeatedly frustrated by it. Nevertheless, I continue to return, year after year, hoping to find some answers. There are none.

So, after 6 years of dissecting every episode, I have decided to give myself a quiz - Junior High Teacher Style - and see what exactly I have learned about the show. We shall correct our own papers upon completion. Today's test will be an essay exam.

1. What is the theme of the show? Time travel? Good v. Evil? Religion? Survival? Friendship? Love? Kate wearing sexy tank tops? Really, I have no idea.

2. Where does the show take place? Oh, I know this one! An island? It might be an island, but it the island could be a metaphor? No, I'm going with an island, but they actually might not be on the island anymore. Ugh, I have no idea.

3. What is plot? Hm... That is a toughie. Does it have something to do with a monster made of smoke? Or a giant wheel that turns back time? A fat guy that wins the lottery? Honestly, I have no idea at all what the real plot is.

4. In what year is the show based? That's the thing... nobody really knows. They jump around a lot. I think right now I think they are in the year 2008, but really there could be dinosaurs on the island for all I know. At one point, the island was underwater, but that could have been in the future. So to answer your question, I have no idea.

5. Why are they on the island? This one is easy. Their plane crashed. Or maybe it didn't? But I am pretty sure it did. Well, it did and it didn't. But it may have crashed on purpose... I mean someone may have made it crash. Or it might have been an accident. That's if it crashed at all, which it may not have. I have no idea.

6. Where is the island? It was between the US and Australia. But it moves. But it might only move through time and not actual locations. But, it might move locations AND time. It is really hard to find sometimes. Yep, no idea again.

7. It sounds like you have absolutely no clue what is going on. Why have you invested 6 years of your life to watching every single episode of a show that you clearly have no idea what is even happening?

I have no idea.... BUT I am going to go with the Kate wearing sexy tank tops thing.

Song of the Day: Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll

No song fits my mood better this week than this one. Kinda really gets you going. And the best part is that if the lead singer ever falls into a lake, she will be protected with her giant water wings.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Cheeseboy's Guide to Overcoming Awkward Social Situations: Volume 1 - The broken bathroom stall.

One stall. Lock not working. No time to wait for another.

We've all been there. Or here...

It's a busy restroom and you enter stall as everything is normal only to find that the lock is malfunctioning.

Okay, actually that is pretty much the same thing.

What to do? A #2 conundrum to be sure. Allow me to lift and inspire as I hold your hand through this tryingly embarrassing social situation. (Not literally, as you will likely need two hands to complete this task)

1. The "Straight Leg" - This requires a long, limber leg and one may have to stretch before attempting. During the straight leg, one sits on the pot and extends one leg straight forward and holds the door shut using the foot portion of the leg. It is a bit uncomfortable and you may experience pins and needles, but it is highly effective.
: This method will not work for children, midgets and especially midget children.

2. The "McGyver" - This method requires some advanced planning and a some rough materials. I carry a pack of dental floss and some small tools in my back pocket for just such an occasion. Simply wrap a strand of dental floss around the nonworking latch and it should hold for at least 15 minutes. NOTE: Method will not work with waxed dental floss.

3. The "Ready, Aim, Fire" - Great for men and boys, but not ideal for women; this tactic involves standing with your back rested against the broken stall door to keep it shut. It takes great aim and a steady stream, but it is definitely doable. Of course this method can only be used for going #1 and not #2. In all reality, you probably are using a stall because you have to go #2 and not #1. I suppose that you could use this method for #2, but the door would have to be very, very close to the toilet.
NOTE: Method not recommended for places in which you are friends with the custodian or in carpeted bathrooms.

4. The "Reverse Guardian" - I have used this method at a Jazz game and it has been a trustworthy stalwart through thick and thin. In order for one to pull off this maneuver, you must have a son worthy of serving as a "guard" outside the stall. The guard holds the door shut and protects your dignity while you do your business. The guard is allowed to use any means necessary to protect said dignity.
NOTE: Leaving your 7 year old son outside the stall in a busy public restroom is probably not the best idea. I'd save this one as a last resort.

I firmly believe that through these four methods, you will never again have to experience the embarrassment of an open stall door.

You're welcome.

Look forward to future installments of: Cheeseboy's Guide to Overcoming Awkward Social Situations.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

A movie review of the movie 'District 9' if it had come out in 1987 and I was asked to write a review for my 5th grade teacher.

A movie review of the movie 'District 9' if it had come out in 1987 and I was asked to write a review for my 5th grade teacher.

For this assinement you gave us we had to review a movie. I choosed the movie District 9 that I saw with my dad last Saturday. This movie was so awesome!!!

If you like movies about aliens, you will like this one because there are aliens in it. There in it lots. Like a ton!
All these aliens come down and they aren't smart aliens. They are dumb aliens. But they come down and then they get put in these like concentration camps things like they had done something wrong. But they didn't do anything wrong. They were just dum and kinda just got in peoples ways and stuff.

So theres this guy that is in charge of moving them cause they are bothering all the people in South Africa. This is were it got really good cause he had this alien bottle that held some sort of alien juice that was going to be used to get them back to their spaceship. But this guy SPRAYS IT IN HIS FACE! It was an accident but still! I mean all over his face!
The guy that I was talking about that sprayed the alien stuff in his face starts turning into an alien. Well just his hand is an alien hand but that is just the start of it. All of a sudden, all of these people are starting to chase him and TRY AND HURT HIM! And I'm not kidding either. They are trying to hurt him cause only the aliens can use the alien weapons and they want to know how to use the alien weapons cause the wepons are really, really, really, really strong wepons!!!

I don't really want to tell you much more because it is a good movie and if you see it you might think about this review that I wrote and then you would no everything that happens and you might not like that.

Here are some good things that people that like cool movies would like about this movie.

There are lots of explosions that are exploding.
And there are lots of aliens. Some of the aliens have this black goo come out of their mouth. I don't know what it is for but it is really, really, really, really gross. It was kindof like that goo in the Thriller video but it wasn't zombie goo this was alien goo. And there were alots of cool guns. But not regular guns. Well some regular guns but some really really cool guns. The aliens sometimes exploded people into little pieces with their guns. And the aliens were called prawns.

I don't really think girls wood like this movie but maybe they would? But probably not. There are many reasons they wouldnt. But mostly it is because there is so many explosions and guts and blood and stuff. Theres also a lot of swearing, but the guy that is swearing has this really bad axsent and most the time you can't really tell what he is saying. Sometimes you can though. I don't think girls really like swearing. Sometimes the aliens swear in their language and they show the swear word on the screen for you to read. I don't think any of the girl aliens swear though cause I don't think girls really like that sort of stuff.

It was really weird when the alien would swear in they're alien language and I mean really really weird. Cause I would be like "What?" and then it would show me what the alien said and I would be like "I really didn't need to know that."

Please don't tell my mom that I watched this show to because she would probly be really mad. Sometimes my dad lets me see movies that swear but my mom HATES those kinds of movies. She hates the movies with naked ladies too but there weren't any naked ladies in this movie. Well the aliens mite have been naked, but I couldn't tell.
I think my mom just likes cartoons because they don't usualy swear and theres no naked ladies.

So you should really go see this movie cause it was really, really, really good. In the end I was like what??? But then I was like WOOO! Cool!

By Abe Yospe
5th grade

Friday, February 19, 2010

Improv Everywhere Clip of the Day: Suicide Jumper

This is one of Lincoln and my favorite Improv Everywhere clips. It totally cracked the kid up when he realized the punchline of the joke. Really, really funny stuff. You really have to check this clip out. The joke is so well thought out and put together. Remember, the bystanders on the street have no idea it is really a joke.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

My address to the Olympic athletes in the opening ceremonies if I were elected IOC President

The following is a transcript of an address I've written for the Winter Olympics just in case I am ever elected IOC President:

Hello... hello... hello... (That is my voice echoing through the stadium)

It's nice to see you all here. Congratulations on passing your drug tests!

It is an honor and privilege to address you on this - the first day your lifelong dream comes true. I was very impressed by the way you all entered the stadium, especially the folks carrying flags. I know those things can be quite heavy - or so I've been told by the mustached girl in the Crimson Line.

And now some words of inspiration: You and each of you represent your country - except you, Johnny Weir; you represent the country of Freakyton in the universe of "Not Ours".

Some of you will be become heroes to your countrymen, but most of you will be considered failures. To this I say: There are no failures at the Winter Olympics, only those that don't medal. And to those that don't medal, we have added some nice participation ribbons this year that you can pick up at the courtesy desk on your way out.

To the speed skaters I'd like to say: I know nothing about your sport. Good luck to you.

To the skiers I'd like to say: I know nothing about your sport. Good luck to you. God speed.

To those people that sweep the ice and make a round disk move, I'd like to say: Why is that even a sport? Good luck to you.

To the hockey players, I'd like to say: I know a little bit about your sport. I'd like to see more fighting. Good luck, God speed, and don't forget about the more fighting.

To the figure skaters, I'd like to say: I saw 'Blades of Glory' and it made me much more appreciative of what you do. I still won't be watching, but that movie was hilarious - especially when Will Farrell throws Napoleon Dynamite across the ice and he gets hit in the crotch. Ha ha! Awesome!

Where was I? Oh yes...

Figure skaters: We are going to have to start canceling your events if you keep leaving all that glitter all over the ice! Especially the men! By the last number, it's like a thousand magical unicorns puked on the ice.

To the lugers: What the heck is wrong with you?

To the bobsledders: I know nothing about your sport. More of you should have dreadlocks. Good luck to you.

To all of the athletes, one and all: I know very little about your sports. I am actually very surprised that they made me IOC President. I think my buddy Steve put me on the ballet as a joke. Steve... was that you Steve?! Seriously, best practical joke ever!

I promise to pay a passing interest in your sports for the next two weeks. I promise to pause on NBC for a few seconds while channel surfing or during halftime of a Jazz game. GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL!

[A few fireworks go off and the crowd is roaring uncontrollably while I prepare for my final comments]

I have appreciated the bribes... er .. gifts from this host country. I uphold the values of this great nation, especially the value of gift giving. I fully uphold and support this value.

Finally, fellow earthlings from around the world, or at least ones that come from cold countries... We come together in this time of great sporting events that no one usually cares about for 3 out every4 years in one accord. Our duty - as it has been set forth - is to uphold the honor of the Olympics and to compete in fairness and illustrious forthrightness. The great Bob Costas wants it that way. BOB COSTAS WANTS IT THAT WAY!


[The crowd is raging, in a tizzy and the fireworks begin. I am carried from the podium on a golden throne lifted by four grizzled, grumbly Canadians wearing hockey masks.]

Monday, February 15, 2010

Song of the Day: Ramona Falls - I Say Fever

I've been digging this Portland based band for some time now, but I am just now getting around to posting a song. I believe that my new, bestest gymnastics pal Spencer caught me onto these guys. Their sound and video is a bit haunting, but all the more reason to love it. Check out 'I Say Fever'.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

My Schwarmy Valentine

In all reality, I should probably be playing World of Warcraft in my parent's basement while drinking 64 ounces of Mt. Dew Code Red in my Spiderman boxer shorts.

During our 16 years together, my beloved wife has had ample reason to turn and run away from me, screaming like that hardcore chick in Zombieland. But for whatever reason, she sticks by me through thick and thin (but no zombies yet). Don't think I'm not grateful, but I do have to wonder how a super hot, intelligent, suave lady like Cathi sticks around with a goober-shmo like me for 16 years? Let's take a look at some of the evidence:

  • On our first date (I was 18, she 17), I did not walk her to the door, instead making up some total bull about having to go to the bathroom really bad. She still went out with me again. I barely made it to the bathroom.
  • During our initial courtship, she was told about my countless oddities - including my propensity to eat bugs for laughs, my ability to have the least spiritual but most funny talks in sacrament meeting and my nonsensical, attention getting songs. She still went out with me again.
  • During our second date, I kissed her in front of her brother while he slept on the couch. She still went out with me again.
  • After 6 months of dating, I informed her that I would be gone for two long years. 2 years passed and she still went out with me again.
  • She has seen me dance countless times... and when I say dance, I mean I really, really dance. Those of you that have seen me dance know what I mean. She still goes out with me.
  • Besides dancing, she has watched me make a complete jackass of myself on several stages, including a cruise ship karaoke concert. For whatever reason, she still loves me.
  • I once took some scouts on a trip and when we returned they informed her that I had caught a fish and bitten the head off as I pulled it out of the water. She still kissed me that very night?! Honestly, I wouldn't have even kissed myself after hearing about that.
  • I decided that we would be forever poor, but do something I loved and was good at and become a teacher. Money meant nothing to her...
  • I am absolutely nothing like her... in fact we are polar opposites in most ways, but I think she appreciates and values our differences - as I do. However, as we have grown older, I think we are becoming more alike.
  • When I am not talking about sports, I often try to discuss indie music, the plot (or lack thereof) of LOST, why Lord of the Rings was the greatest trilogy ever made, why Glen Beck is a total moron and other nerdy items she has zero interest in... and she always has the heart to pretend to care about all of it.
  • I rarely empty the dishwasher, allow her to hold the remote control, drive when we are both in the car and I am not the least bit handy around the house.
I know what you are thinking: What kind of superhero woman has the gumption to stick with a loser like this? I wonder the same thing every night. Or maybe you are thinking: Maybe she loves you because of these qualities and not in spite of them? Did you even READ the above list?!

I'm really not sure what she sees in me, but I am sure glad she sees something. As far as I am concerned, I could not have scored a more perfect lifelong Valentine. If I were to design the perfect women for me out of scrap metal and some plastic tubing, it would come out looking like a crappy piece of garbage.

However, if I were to have - say a sculpture - sculpt the perfect women for me, it would be a carbon copy of Cathi. And if I were to have the same sculpture sculpt her personality, he would probably look at me like I was crazy and then give me the number to a personality sculpture guy. And that number would probably be a made up one because there is no such thing, and the first sculpture guy just wanted me to take his Cathi sculpture and get out of his penthouse studio.

What was I talking about again? Oh yes...

Gift complete. - phew -

Back to my Code Red and World of Warcraft. But thank goodness I don't live in my parent's basement apartment.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Oh Facebook: How I love to hate you and hate to love you.

I'll admit it. I am a facebook addict - a "faddict"... or a "faceict"... or a "face-zealot.

You may already know of my addiction as this may be the third time I have posted about it. Sure, addiction is bad, but trust me, there are worse things to be addicted to:

  • World of Warcraft
  • Vampire books
  • Losing to the Harlem Globetrotters
  • Unicycle riding
  • Watching 'The Bachelor'
In spite of my addition (or despite - not sure), I have developed some real angst towards some of the oddities facebook has to offer. Allow me to provide you with some examples :

1. "I bet Utah can get 1,000,000 fans before BYU can" and "I bet BYU can get 1,000,000 fans before BYU".

Who cares?! What - are we going to all get together and have a massive celebration when Utah wins? And what kind of prize do we win? Where would we even fit a million people to have the celebration? Or do we all just get online at the same time and bang pots and pans together? If we get to a million before BYU, does that mean that the last football game didn't count? And what point are we trying to prove? This is the most pointless, lamest contest I have ever seen.

Of course, I joined the cause for the Utes.

2. People complaining about changes in the facebook format.

There are actual groups.. "1,000,000 strong to get facebook to go back to the old format".

Wow, little things in life REALLY bother you, don't they? Oh no... you mean you actually have to move your mouse around to NEW PLACES!? You mean, you can't believe that a website is actually CHANGEABLE?! That something based on technology might actually try something new? What is this world coming to?

People seriously get so angry about this. I think that since I have been a member of facebook, they have changed their format 3 times now, and every time there is a huge outcry for a couple months and these pathetic groups start popping up. I want to start a group: "Face it people, facebook changes because it is a website and your whining is getting old!"

I bet these same people threw a little fit when they painted the lines differently at their company parking lot. Or when the grocery store got those self checkout lanes. Or when they stopped selling stupid pills for stupid people at the stupid store.

3. "Suggestions"

So, Mr. Facebook... sir. You suggest I speak with my own brother that I just saw an hour ago? That we need to "reconnect". You think you know me so well, don't you? You think I should become a fan of "Max Hall was right" or "I just want a lock of Neil Diamond's hair" (In this case, very true)? What on earth compels you to suggest I might want to join a fan group of Billy Bob Thornton?

Well look here facebook. I have a suggestion for you: You can take your suggested suggestions and shove them where the suggestions don't suggest no more.

4. People that consistently "blog" about "facebook".

Who are these morons? Don't they have anything better to do with their time?


- Now if you will excuse me, I need to get back to my vampire book. -

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The night I was a homeless man and how it has impacted my life. (A true story)

The marble on my back was cold, but I was numb. It's hard to feel when you are homeless and broken.

I bought my first pack of smokes that night at a swarmy State Street Seven Eleven with sticky floors and a complete arm tatood clerk with an orange streak in her hair. They checked my ID, which was refreshing, but embarrassing. I was not yet homeless at that point of the evening.

A planned youth activity had completely hobo-ized me. My job was to dawn a face changing disguise and roam around the downtown malls during the brink of the holiday season, hoping not to be recognized and approached by teenage neighbor.

The gal at the Seven Eleven didn't ask if I was going to be smoking the cigarettes or if they would be part of a church activity. Neither did my Bishop.

ANYWAY, there I lay on the marble landing next to the understated, floundering water fountain - my fake beard creating an itchy rash on my chin that would stay with me for days. My dirty overcoat stunk of the west side Deseret Industries (you know the stench), and my gnarled, curly black wig hung into my eyes like the bacon out of the sides of a Egg McMuffin.

It was my first night as a hobo.

I walked from storefront to storefront, hunched and ready to prance on a dirty dime. I felt the sting of prejudice as I could feel the cold stares soak into my dusty undershirt like a cotton ear swap in a bottle of vinegar. "I'm homeless! I am not a freak!" This hurt. My unsmoked carton of cigarettes in my front pocket did not console me. I pulled one out and placed it over my right ear. If I was going to be homeless, I was going to be classy homeless.

Finally, familiar faces. Not a one recognized me. Not a single one gave me a second look, except as to point and laugh at the dirty hobo with the fingers cut out of his gloves. I was so forlorn, I didn't need the fingers. We homeless people are used to going without.

Even the neighborhood adults were passing me by. The helplessness and sadness in my eyes went unnoticed. I had never felt so lonely. I took out another cigarette and placed it over my other ear. I then took out the ragged and sooty handkerchief out my front pocket and audibly blew my nose into it like I had seen other hobos do before in similar situations.

Suddenly I felt the overwhelming desire to stand around a barrel with a fire in it.

As the evening came to a close, it became abundantly clear that I was not going to be discovered. I wandered over to Santa's shack and leaned on the railing, watching child after child sit on his lap. Tears began to flow freely as I realized...

I want my old life back! I want my wife! I want my things! I want my warm home! I want the love of friends and family! But mostly, I wanted my stuff! The clouds cleared in my bereft mind and I realized - owning stuff IS really important to me.

It was at that moment that I knew I had to start anew. I would quit smoking! I would quit and never look back! I threw my cigarettes in the trash. I would quit smoking and I would quit talking to myself out loud. This would be the first baby steps to a new life.

I yelled with glee at the freedom I felt. I would tell my wife I would love her! I would go home and tell her I love her! I would give my stuff a hug. You never know when you are going to lose your stuff.

My time as a homeless man has taught me some valuable moral lessons. I am a changed man and I never want to look back.

I will never look back. I have my stuff.

Monday, February 8, 2010

A script of Calder's wedding night if nothing changes before that time

Calder: Hey baby, you are looking good tonight. Like a leopard.. except you are woman. What am I saying? I am no good at this.

Betty: Are you ready for bed? I think "I will go change into something a little more comfortable".

(I added this part because that is what they say in the movies. I don't think anyone really talks like this... although they might in the year 2025, and that is what I am banking on for this script)

Calder: Alright baby. And I just have to go to the car.

Betty: Ohh, the car. Saucy! Wait. The Car? What for?

Calder: Oh nothing important. It's just...

Betty: It's just what? It's cold outside and we have everything we need right at the Anniversary Inn baby cakes. In fact, they have us in the 2000's room. Just look at the gorgeous iCarly themed bathing area and the bed hanging from the sultry Ghost Whisperer hooks. The Ryan Seacrest photo sheets are a little creepy, but we can get over that. Come on, just stay with me my sweet Calder-pie.

Calder: Yes, that Freddy Benson faucet is intriguing, but there is something I left in the car. Something I need. It's a little embarrassing.

Betty: Oh no.

Calder: Yeah, tonight really is going to go badly if I don't have it.

Betty: We have each other. What more do you need, besides that Wanda Sykes shaped clock hanging on the wall?

I am assuming that a year 2000 themed rumpus room at the Aniversary Inn would have to include SOMETHING having to do with Wanda Sykes. Perhaps not a wall clock, but at the very least a Wanda Sykes shaped coat rack.

Calder: You see honey... it's my WEE - WA.

Betty: Your what?

Calder: My WEE - WA. I can't fall asleep without it.

Betty: Then why do you need to go to the car?

Calder: No... my WEE - WA is my blanky. I can't go to sleep without it.

Betty: Oh sweet cheeks, I will keep you warm.

Calder: [Near tears] I just need my WEE - WA!

Betty: What is it about that thing that I can't give you?

Calder: It has these little stringy things that I pull on. That makes me really sleepy. Do you have little stringy things I can pull on?

Betty: No. Just go get your stupid WEE - WA. You know you have totally ruined the mood.

Calder: [Sniffling] WEE - WA!

Betty: Just go. I will stay here and watch the floating robots laser my toenails off with the lasers in their eyes.

In 2025, these robots will replace normal pedicures and the people that normally give pedicures will be hired to polish floating laser robots at the end of the day.

Calder: I hope you don't mind. It's just a little dirty and smells like a couple of 15-year-old armpits. My mom has cleans it for me, but me and WEE-WA, we have been through a lot.

Betty: Just don't put that thing on me.

Calder: Okay, but before I fall asleep, you have to lay it out in a perfect square on my chest... no wrinkles or creases!

Betty: And what if I don't?

Calder: I can't stop crying until you do. Just promise me you will do it. Just lay the WEE - WA in a perfect square on my chest with no creases and no wrinkles. Will you promise to do this?

Betty: You are so weird.

Calder: You are just realizing that now?

One last thing. Before I fall asleep, you will have to get me a drink of water. 15 minutes later, I will probably ask you for another drink of water. You have to promise to get mad and yell at me. Really - let me have it. I can not go to sleep if this routine is not fulfilled. So, just to refresh: WEE - WA, perfect square... no wrinkles or creases. Drink of water. 15 minutes later - another drink of water. YELL at me. Tell me to go to sleep. Really, let me have it. Got it?

Betty: Did you still want me to change into something more comfortable?

Calder: You mean like a WEE-WA?

Betty: Forget it. I think I will just sleep with Ryan Seacrest tonight. He was so short back then. Good thing he got those leg extensions in '17!

Song of the Day: Islands - No You Don't (Staring Michael Cera)

I have a good friend who says Michael Cera would crack him up if he just sat straight faced and silent. He believed this to be true until the release of the gosh-awful "Year One", in which Michael Cera is neither funny or a particularly good actor.

I tend to agree with my friend. Cera has such a low key approach to comedy, he really doesn't have to do much to make me laugh. And so it is so with this this video. He isn't doing much, other than being stoned, but that is just enough to get me chuckling like a giddy dolphin.

Now, the fact that Michael Cera stars in this video is all good and fine, but the true star is the song itself. I've had this song running through my head for almost a month now and I will let you know when I tire of it. Here is, "No You Don't" by the Islands...

Saturday, February 6, 2010

You see, I have this idea...

We only have two boys in our family and that might be just enough for us.

However, I have not ruled out inventing a robotic ten year old girl to join that family.

I would have already done it by now if it weren't for those meddling neighbors! There is this freckled red headed twerp that is always up into my business.

I don't have all the plans in place, but here is what I do have:

The girl will be named Nicki.
She will have a control panel in her back.
She will sleep in a closet, but that won't be weird at all.
She will be able to dunk a basketball.
She will be able to stretch her neck.

She is going to need a door in her backside so I can get at her wires and such. The door is going to need to swing - a swinging door is actually really important. I'm also going to need one of those black ribbons to put behind the batteries. I hate when there is no black ribbon... I can NEVER get the batteries out. I promised myself that if I were to ever invent something that takes batteries, I would include a black ribbon.

In an unrelated note, my wife will begin to wear stylish floral jumpsuits. Sometimes they will be floral, sometimes not. Either way, they will have a fruffy, fluffy, sexy front butt. She has made the switch to these saucy outfits at my request. However, I really like the floral patterns.

I am not sure where I got this idea. I just think Lincoln and Nicki could really get along. Lincoln has an affinity for fancy gadgets. We have also recently bought him an aluminum closet that he currently has no use for. I think we could put a nice pillow in there for her and maybe install an outlet.

If it weren't for that obnoxious meddling neighbor, Harriot! I would have long had things in place.

Is this a weird? If it is weird, will someone please let me know before I take these plans any further. I have run it through my mind a thousand times, and my mind has spoken to my heart and told my heart to trust itself. I am trusting my heart that is trusting my mind. My mind is following the idea that we need to lock a robotic girl in a closet in Lincoln's room. It's so crazy that it just might be genius.

Darn that Harriot! Is that her again?! Where's my BB gun? How can a man build a creepy, plastic child with a kibitzing crackerjack redhead bopping around the windows?

My prototype is almost complete. She is a doll. I think Lincoln is going to be impressed. Things would be a lot easier if I had an updated computer:

If these plans fall through (due to Harriot and her dodgy, ugly, pigtailed face!), I do have backup plans in the works:

1. I may run for Governor and but make my black butler do most of the real work while I play putt-putt in my giant office.

2. I met this big nosed alien and I may adopt him so he can eat the annoying neighborhood cats.

3. I really, really want a sidekick. Maybe someone named Monroe... or Balki... or Boner. I'm not really sure on the name yet, I just know I need a sidekick that will be loyal. Loyalty is important for a sidekick to have. Almost as important as a name.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Tonight's Bedtime Prayer - by Calder

Heavenly Father.

Help us to go back to Disneyworld on Wednesday.

Help Christmas to come back soon.

Help Halloween to come back soon.

Help me to never get a haircut again.

Help the food to be safe.


Wednesday, February 3, 2010

A list of cartoon characters that may have taken steroids.

1981 - Hefty Smurf - Obvious... but few people know his true tell was all that back acne.

1983 - He Man - We now all know what the real "power of gray skull" was.

Mr. T - 1985 - Likely took more steroids than the actual version and the actual version was stacked.

"Skydancer" from Rainbow Bright - 1983 - The facial hair gives her away.

"Lynx- O" from Thundercats - 1985 - Tested positive in '02, but sperm count had been low since his first litter of kittens.

"King Titan" from The Little Mermaid - 1989 - Extreme irritability, delusions, and impaired judgment regarding his own daughter? Had to be the roids talking!

Gumby - 1995 - One has to start questioning things when a Gumby becomes a solid.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Disneyworld: Our hotel & our food

The Hotel

We stayed on site at Disneyworld at their luxurious "Pop Century" hotel. By "luxurious", I mean "economy" and by "economy", I mean "economy for Disney, but not for a regular hotel".

Pop Century is huge. Really, it was five hotels wrapped around one central gathering point. Each hotel within Pop Century is completely themed around a specific decade. There is a hotel based on the 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's. Although I was praying for the 80's, much like David Hasslehoff, we were stuck in the 70's.

Here is the view from the deck by our room:

There were three swimming pools throughout the grounds. We swam in the HUGE pool in the 60's area called the "Hippy Dippy Pool" (shaped like a flower) and the 90's area, which was called the "Computer Pool". (It was called the computer pool because it was square, much like a computer. Creative AND original) There was also a bowling pin shaped pool in the 50's area, but the heater was broken, so we did not venture into it's frosted waters.

It was a pretty nifty place and the themes were groovy. We had a swell time exploring every decade and jiving around the grounds.

There was also this giant lake next to the hotel with a bridge that goes all the way across. On the other side, they were building five more hotel buildings that will be themed with the 00's, 10's, 20's, 30's and 40's.

Our decade did not have a pool, but we did have the giant Fools Ball table. (Note: After reading this, Cathi has informed me that it is not "fools ball" but, Foos Ball, or some other nonsensical thing. Probably French or something. They probably play on the backstage of Circus Olay)

We also had a disco ball that worked at night in our courtyard and two giant Twister games to play at our convenience.

The Food

This trip we opted to try something new and signed up for a "Disneyworld dining plan". Allow me to attempt to answer all of your questions in the following paragraph...

There are many meal plans to chose from, but we selected the cheapest one. We payed for the entire meal plan in advance. The meal plan we selected gave each person in our family two "counter service" meals per day and two snacks per day. So when we arrived at the hotel, they simply told us, "You have 62 meals and 62 snacks to use during your stay."

The meals included an entree, a drink and a dessert.

The counter service meals and snacks could be purchased at our hotel or essentially any place on the Disney property. Our hotel had what equated to a food court in the mall and there was everything from cheeseburgers and pizza to Chinese food to Greek salads. Plenty of selection, but nothing spectacular. We had the same type of options in the park and essentially we could eat at any place that we were not waited upon by a waiter.

To be clear, in order to get the dining plan, we HAD to purchase one for each person per day.

At the beginning of the trip, thinking we would not have enough free meals to last us, I began rationing them and trying to stretch them out. The problem is that Calder never really ate his own meal and ended up sharing most of the time. We started accumulating meals and with two days left, we had something like 30 meals and 33 snacks to use. Oops.

Cathi saved every receipt and by Wednesday (the middle of the trip), the meal plan had paid for itself and we acknowledged that it was definitely worth the money. However, there were definite pros and cons:

1. Not once did I ever feel guilty about getting a soda or bottled water with my meal. Normally, I feel guilty about adding the three dollar soda, but it comes with the meal plan.

2. There were TONS of snacks. ANYTIME we felt the slight bit of hunger, we could get ANYTHING! We had funnel cakes, Slurpees, (yes Coke McPheeters-oholics) ice cream, Popsicles, smoothies, popcorn... ANYTHING! And not a twinge of guilt about the exuberantly high prices. It was all inclusive.

3. A dessert was included in every meal. Who can afford a dessert in these trying times? Well, we could.

4. There were TONS of places to eat.

5. Like I said before, the amount we paid for the plan had paid for itself by Wednesday.


1. I tired of the counter service places. Just once or twice I would have liked something a little more quality than the fast food. I also would have liked to eat at a nicer place in EPCOT at one of the countries. We could have added one nice meal per day, but that was like $50.00 more per person.

2. The pressure to use our meals was a bit much. At the end of the trip we had the option of trading each meal we had left in for 3 snacks, so we came home with a mega-load of cookies and rice krispy treats. That was okay, but I still felt guilty for not using the meals. We saw others there that had the same problem. While we were in line for food on the last day, one guy was trying to use up his extra meals and buy everyone in line lunch.

3. You eat and buy much more than you would normally and I put on a few extra lbs.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Song of the Day: Vampire Weekend - White Sky (Unplugged)

In honor of their newest album, I hereby share this song from MTV Unplugged. If there is a dessert called, "Better than sex", than this new album should be called, "Better than better than sex." It is simply fantastic.

Now if anyone would like to donate $35 to my "See Vampire Weekend in concert next month" fund, I would be very appreciative. Sure, Hati is in need, but so is Vampire Weekend and their number 1 fan!

I was watching this unplugged episode the other night and this song was on. It was rather late, and I was sure Calder was asleep. All of a sudden, he emerges from his bedroom and says, "Dad, I heard a strange night time sound. It went wooo... wooo.... wooo!" (in a high pitched voice). I showed him the song and he giggled. Since, he has started to asking me to, "watch the vampires on youtube."

Anyway, enjoy "White Sky" by Vampire Weekend.