Monday, June 30, 2008

The Cabin

Hello everyone and welcome back to me.  We had a great time in Island Park and my traps proved effective to guard our house.  I found three dead pirates in the tiger pit and four masked burglars shot through the head with my fountain of arrows.  Unfortunately, my the coconut bombs did not go off.  I would have liked to see the damage they would have done.

The mountains were warm and swarming with mosquitoes.  It was necessary to lather on repellent every time you walked through the screeching, slamming screen door and onto the torched porch.  There had been plenty of snow over the winter and the water in the lake was as high as I had seen it.  The wildflowers were in full force and they flowed over the landscape like giant, purple and yellow caterpillars searching for sun.   

The four-wheeling was dry and chalky.  The air was filled with powdery dust that coated your entire body with every ride.  We enjoyed hours of fun on the trails.  However, I have mixed feelings about four-wheelers now.  There are way too many of them in Island Park and the serenity and peacefulness of the place has been replaced with dust clouds and unending revving engines.  The four-wheeler crowd is generally full of idiots and buffoons.  They ruin the beauty by driving in areas that are off limits and fly at demented speeds, letting the scenery pass them by like it is merely a crappy preview at the movies.  As much as I enjoy discovering parts of Island Park that I have never seen before and the amusement of riding, I would not be overly disappointed if they outlawed four-wheelers.

While we were there, we also experienced the thrills and spills of the mighty rapids of Henry's Fork.  We rode the foot high waves like they were really two feet high!  Unfortunately, there were no moments of panic and no one yelled, "We're all going to die!"   Calder did fall asleep in about two inches of cold water at the bottom of the boat.

Another highlight of the trip was our hike around Herriman State Park.  While we went mooseless, we did catch some great bird watching.

Lincoln and I also four-wheeled to the gravel pit where he shot his first riffle.  

Of course, we did all the usuals:  West's Penny Store, the candy shop to get free fudge and looking for cruddy cheap tee shirts.  We also went to Yellowstone for a quick afternoon, (Thanks Esther!) ate Ice Cream at Old Faithful and visited the big fish at Big Springs.  There was also plenty of down time that Lincoln spent playing Lego Star Wars II and Cathi spent reading three books. 

Just another trip to the cabin... but it is always fun.

Look forward to posting something great tomorrow.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

I return. Attacked!

Just got back and to my surprise, I seem to be in a blog war with my brother.  It is my first blog fight, so I am not sure what to expect, but I will do what it takes to defend my honor.

I will, step by step, prove that my Mormon Dad Blog is not as cliche as Ike would make you believe.

1. He claims that a Mormon Dad Blog must have one swear word every 3 posts.  Well A) Since mom has got on my case, a swear word has not made a presence on this site. And B) I actually do swear a little in my every day life. Most Mormon Dad blogs only swear on their blogs but would not be caught dead swearing in public.

2. Somewhere on your blog you must show that you appreciate The Office to prove that you are hip.  O.K., got me here Ike.  BUT, I would reference some of my other favorite TV shows instead (Freaks and Geeks or Get A Life) but no one watched those shows.

3. Must tell people about music they never have heard about to try and convert them.  Yes, I do this.  Okay, you've got me on 2 so far.

4. Must have posts that start out, "Please do not be offended by what I am about to say."  Fine, I do this too, but I am not sure why.  I really don't care if you are offended or not.  It is my blog, I can post my opinions about stuff.  I will say this in my defense though - the posts that start that way are far more read than other posts.  I should start every post, "Please do not be offended."

5. Must have at least 4 polls on the side.  Okay, an obvious dig at my site.  Two things in my defense. A) I have never seen another blog with more than one poll.  B) When I started polls, I polled my readers and 88% of them said, "You can never have too many polls!"  People love polls and I am just giving the people what they want.  If the poll wasn't so one sided about having polls, I would not be polling people.

6. Must have a very plain blog.  Got me here.  I have a plain blog.  However, I am thinking of adding wallpaper that is puppies sniffing flowers.

7. Must jack up your comments by having conversations in the comments section.  I like comments.  They give me something to look forward to when I check my blog.  

8. Must make sports predictions.  I used to do this, but then I realized most people that read my blog don't want to read my sports predictions.  I will probably still do it in the future though.

9. Must retell funny stories about adolescent misbehavior. I do this because I love to tell stories.

10. Posts about things you dislike must outnumber positive posts by 2-1 ratio.   Yes, yes... true. 

Yes Ike, my blog, like yours fits the Mormon Dad blog you have described.  But lets let the reading public decide.  Please vote in the appropriate poll on the right.  I know you want to!  

(For those that may be wondering, I am not really in a war with my brother.  His rebuttal to my mom blog blogging was the perfect blog.  I must give him props for his blognation.)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The origin of Calder's name.

I am often asked, "Calder... that is a nice name.  Where did you get that?"  Well, the name Calder is rich in tradition.  It is held in high esteem by royalty of all nations.  However, it was a mystery.  

This fancy caper has been solved by yours truly.  I remembered that Cathi was reading a fictional youth novel during her pregnancy.  It was an adventure story and she really liked one of the main character's names.  His name, as it turned out, was Calder Pillay.

While at the library yesterday, I noticed a book in the Youth Fiction section entitled, "The Calder Game."  I quickly picked up and sure enough, it was a sequel to the book that Cathi had originally read.  The book that she read was called "Chasing Vermeer" by Blue Balliet.  Finally, the mystery was solved and we can move on with our lives.  

I checked out The Calder Game and I will let you know of it's quality in future editions of the Cheeseboy Book Club.  But as Lavar Burton would say, "But you don't have to take my word for it." 

Monday, June 23, 2008

Maybe I feel so bad for Jackasses because I am one?

Okay, before I go on our vacation (Note to the stalkers or burglars that read my blog: Our house is heavily guarded by dogs, an alarm system, robots and a few cowboys.  Plus, I placed a few booby traps around the house, an idea that I got from Home Alone.  Oh, and our house is haunted and my dad is staying here with his guns.) I have to tell you how I totally flipped my canister today.

I recently added this cool feature to my blog called "sitemeter".  It allows you to see how many visitors you have, what state they are located in and what site referred them to you.  I noticed recently that I have had the same strange visitor to my site.  They stay for at least an hour and they visit all sorts of pages.  It is always the same IP address and from the same Mac computer.

Well, the first time I noticed that they were on for two hours, I was flattered.  Someone must have found my blog and read every single post!  I am an extremely important person.  People want to know stuff about me.  I live an interesting life.

Time went by and I noticed that this person was watching my blog almost constantly.  My flattery quickly turned to the kind of fear that I have only seen in movies like Cape Fear and any movie staring Jodie Foster, including "Anna and the King".  This person had a sick obsession with me.  Why were they spending so much time on my blog?  What if they were outside my house right now with one of those giant torpedo guns that you shoot sharks with?

 After researching it a bit, I learned that the person was on a Mac and using Safari.  Hmmm, could be a fellow teacher from my school as we all have Macs?  I was puzzled.  

I went to Cathi more than once with my concerns.  I told her that I was considering making my blog private and that I would use double stick duct tape to lock it up.  I also assured her that no matter how beautiful this crazy supermodel was that was stalking me, that she should have no worries as I was in love with her and remain faithful always.  

Tonight I noticed that this person was on my blog AT THAT EXACT TIME.  I immediately readied a post:  "WHO IS ON MY BLOG RIGHT NOW????"  It then hit me.

What if the person stalking me was me?  What if I was my own worst enemy?  I had a Mac.  I used Safari.  I decided to check my IP address. I am officially crazy.  I was chasing myself the entire time.  Cathi laughed and laughed at me and is still laughing.  I had felt worthy of a stalker, then worried that I had a stalker, then realized that I was stalking myself.  

What is possibly even more pathetic is that I am blogging about it now.  

***Your future comments/questions answered here:
1. Yes, I had the sitemeter on "do not count your own computer as a visitor" but I deleted my cookies and that somehow undid this setting.
2. No, I was not on my blog for 2 hours at a time like sitemeter  stated.  The only explanation I have for this is that Macs do not automatically shut down your internet connection when you close your browser.  If you have a better explanation, I'd like to hear it.
3. Yes, I have reached new levels of moronity and self congratulatory, foul-smelling excrement.
4. No, I don't really want a stalker. 
5. No, I do not own a torpedo gun.

Oh yeah, one other thing... the robots have lasers!

My dream come true.

I am a more than a little freaked out today.  Last night I had this awful dream that I had horrible razor burn.  Not only did I have it on my face and neck, but apparently I had tried to shave my chest and I had it all the way down to my waist.

I shave in the shower.  When I looked in the mirror after I got out, I noticed RAZOR BURN on my chin and down my neck.  I knew my razor was getting dull, but I did not realize it would be this bad.  My dream had become reality!  (I just got the chills.)  Last night, in the same dream, I dreamt that my left ear fell off and landed in the gutter.  It was raining, so I chased it down the street but just missed grabbing it as if fell down the drain.  So far it is still attached.

Tomorrow we head out for the cabin.  I doubt that I will be able to blog.  I know that this news causes considerable pain for my regulars.  While I am gone, I urge you to go outside and do something for a change.

Hey, my knee feels a lot better today!  I can actually walk on it without too much pain.  My dream of the marathon lives on!  And not a moment to soon as the marathon is in one month.

I just watched "Big" with Lincoln for the first time.  Lincoln thought it was hilarious and laughed almost all the way through it.  It was funny though.... Lincoln's main concern through the whole movie was that when Tom Hanks was changed back to a boy, he would be tall enough to ride on the roller coaster.  Oh, the joys of being a teacher on a lazy, summer afternoon with your son.

My boyhood crushes.

I present to you my top 3 boyhood crushes:

3. Erin Gray of Silver Spoons.

2. Alyssa Milano of Who's The Boss

1. Leah  Thompson of Back To The Future
(Looks a little like Cathi, doesn't she?)

Sunday, June 22, 2008

The Mormon Mom Blog

I have had some questions as to what constitutes a "Mormon Mom Blog".  Now, before I get into it, I must first make it very clear that I have nothing against these blogs.  Many (if not all) of my beloved sister-in-laws have blogs like these.  These blogs serve a very special purpose.  They allow woman of all races (mostly white), class (nearly 100% middle class) and religion (definitely mormon or at the very least inactive mormon.) to post pictures of their kids and talk about going to the zoo.  Nothing wrong with that!  So, I give you the qualifications of the Mormon Mom Blog:

1.  The blog must have a list of at least 10 other Mormon mom bloggers on the side.  The more, the better as it makes you look more popular.

2.  The blog usually has some reference to the church.  A picture of Jesus or a wedding picture in front of the temple will do.

3. The background pattern is so cutesy and overdone that it actually distracts from the actual posts.  There was one blog I was trying to read that had polka-dots all over it, even on the words.  All these women think that their background pattern is cute, but if they had to put it up as wallpaper in their bathroom, they would realize that it is oh so ugly.

4. Every post must be followed with at least 8 comments from fellow Mombloggers about how "totally cute" either the kids or the actual blogger is.

5. The music on the blog is either at best Jack Johnson, but at worst, Celine Dion or some other horrible crap.

6. There must be at least 2 "tags" on the blog.

7. The woman must rant and rave about how cute and silly their husband is.

8. The "about me" section almost always starts out, "I am a stay at home mom..."

9.  There are at least 3 pictures of kids in every post.

10. There is much discussion in these blogs about books recently read that were purchased at Deseret Book.

Now, if you own one of these blogs, please do not be offended.  As I said earlier, these blogs serve a valuable purpose.  They allow you to show off your cute kids to the masses.  They give you a forum to brag about their potty training.  It connects you to other people that you may not know, but are almost exactly like you.  I am simply answering the question, "What is the Mormon Mom Blog?"

I have actually found what appears to be a mormon mom blog site that I find very entertaining through cousin Tim's blog.  Maybe it is funny because she is not quite a mom yet.  **Correction - she is actually a mom.

The Trek

Cathi has returned from Trek to a hero's welcome.  The stake had a special sacrament meeting early this morning to allow the Trekies to pat each other on the back and discuss how dirty they all got and how tough they all were.

To celebrate Cathi's return, we visited The Cheesecake Factory last night.  (Thanks triplets!)  My goodness, it was so deliciously delicious.  We went at 4:00, so the wait was a mere 10 minutes.  I had their world famous meatloaf and Cathi ordered some sort of pasta thing that she gets everywhere.  If you go, I'd recommend going at an off time like we did. When we left, the wait was probably over an hour.  As far as food "factories" go, The Cheesecake Factory is at least twice as good as the Spaghetti Factory.  Anyway, back to the trek...

Cathi has told me bits and pieces of her experience, but I will just highlight a couple that I found the most entertaining.  

The first day she was assigned to a "family" and she was placed as a "child" in that family.  They walked all day long and received very little food for dinner.  However, when they arrived at camp, the adult "leaders" were given a meal "behind the trailers".  Thus, the ma and pa received full, delux sandwich,  but since Cathi was classified as a "child", she only heard about this meal.  She won't admit it, but I believe that this made her a a bit upset.  

During the "women's pull" only women are allowed to pull the handcart up a large hill.  The men just sit around and watch.  Cathi's group was doing great and she said it was much easier than she thought.  Unfortunately, in the group behind hers, there were only four girls.  Cathi alone was asked to go provide some additional aid to help them up the hill.  What had started as an easy task turned into what Cathi described as, "one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life."  I am not sure how it compared to childbirth, but I will trust her on this one.

When Cathi describes her experience, it makes her sound like she was one of the youth.  She said, "I was lucky because my ma and pa were very easy going.  Some of the ma's and pa's were taking their kid's deodorant."  To which I replied, "You do realize that you are a 30 year old adult and not a 16 year old kid.  You probably could have kept your deodorant if you wanted."

She also said that there was a hormone filled boy that kept visiting their family's camp at 3:00 in the morning, sneaking around and looking for a specific girl.  He would crawl up and whisper, "hey... Lucy... are you there Lucy?"  I told her that was funny because I had just heard from an old friend from Layton.  She said that her stake was reconsidering ever doing trek again because last year a girl got pregnant ON TREK!  Ha ha ha.  That is still funny.

I am not going to slander the trek experience too much because she said that overall it wasn't too bad and that she had an okay time.  I am sure the kids got a lot out of it.  I will tell you this though... She said that going once was enough and she doesn't really have a desire to ever go again.  

Saturday, June 21, 2008

More bored blogging.

Cathi's still is not home, and I have watched just about enough of "I Love the 80's" on VH1.  I thought I would write a few more thoughts (not about donkeys) for those of you who might be even more bored than I am.

1.  Thank you for your concern about my running.  Unfortunately, my knee is so sore, I still have to limp across the room.  I am not sure what I did to it, but walking is a chore and until gets better, running is out of the question.  So even with a brace, I am afraid that it just is not happening. I am going to give it a week and if it is not better I will probably go to the doctor.  

2. Have you ever blog surfed?  By this, I mean visit someone's blog, then visit one of their friend's blogs and so on and so on.  Well, while doing this, I have noticed that I can not get out of this cheesy tapestry of Mormon Mom blogs.  They all have different backgrounds, but are almost all the same.  It is like looking through a stack of Relief Society scrapbooks.  I am not knocking these blogs, but it is a little sad that of all the blogger "friends" I see on these women's blogs, I have not once run into a friend that is not LDS.  A little sad.

3. I am thinking about starting to read.  I mean, I read a lot now, but I think that I will start reading more books for ADULTS.  The only problem is that I do not like mysteries and I generally HATE books that depress me. When I go to the library, it seems that the shelves are lined with mysteries and depression.  Nevertheless, look for a new "Cheeseboy Book Club" added to this site.  Given that I am getting approximately 40 readers a day, it is only a matter of time until it rivals Oprah's Book Club.  What can you expect from my book club?  Recommendations of good books that are not mysteries or depressing.

Wait, Cathi is home...YES!

I taught myself a valuable lesson today: Don't feel bad for donkeys

I was thinking a lot this morning while teaching at Sylvan about various random things.  I started contemplating donkeys.  I was actually feeling quite bad for them because of how often they are called an ass.  It was very disheartening.  It was a rough couple of minutes.

Then it struck me.  I should not feel bad for the donkeys.  They are an elite group of mammals.  How many animals actually have so many different names?  Let's see.  For donkeys we have:

Equuas asinas 
Jack (male)
Jenny (female)

Amazing!  The donkey should feel fortunate.  Even if you go with "ass" when referring to your donkey, at least the donkey can think, "that is mean, but fortunately it is just one of the many names that I am lucky enough to possess."   

I mean, look at the giraffe.  When people see a giraffe, they say, "look at that tall giraffe!  Yes, look at that majestic animal.  The only word I can think to define it is 'giraffe'.  Why yes, giraffe fits it nicely.  It is a shame that it doesn't have another name though.  Maybe even a derogatory phrase to fit it's personality?"

This all makes me wonder:  What came first, the donkey or the ass?  When our ancestors saw the donkey and named it, did they say, "Look at that mentally challenged horse!  It is honking and moving like a total ass!"  Or, was it more like, "From hence forth, this  brainless, oaf looking half-horse shall be called 'ass'." Hard to say, but definitely worth some reflection.

However, given the vast number of names to chose from, calling a donkey an "ass" is still a little rude.

In addition, I found this website with over 2,000 donkey names. And you thought picking a name for your kid was difficult!  

I am so bored.  When will Cathi get home?

Song of the Day - The Shins - Australia

The Shins put out a lot of cool, catchy stuff.  This is one band I think you would like Ike.  (Maybe you already do?)  Here is my favorite Shins song.  It is off their newest album.

Friday, June 20, 2008

The run.

I ran one mile.  My knee started throbbing and it is still very sore.  Rather than make things worse, I just walked home.  I hate to say it, but this puts me way behind on my training schedule and for the first time my goal of running in the marathon is in jeopardy.  I better just rest it some more.  I will keep you updated.

When I came home I decided to mow the lawn.  I limped my way through it.  Is there anything more difficult or frustrating in life than trying to string a lawn trimmer?  I spent 45 minutes trying to ravel and wind that perplexing puzzle.

Entertainment news that interests me but probably no one else.

Entertainment is nice.  At it's best it brings merriment to the heart.  At it's worst, it brings dolefulness to the sole.  Here are three parcels of entertainment information that you will likely not hear Mary Hart or John Tesh mention tonight.  Oh man, I am so bored here at home by myself.

1. Freaks and Geeks returns to DVD.  Before Judd Apatow made often hilarious but often crude comedies for the masses, he made this show of shows.  It is arguably his best work to date.  The comedy in Freaks and Geeks is absolutely genius and it provided a springboard for so many young stars.  Fortunately, I have the complete two season set.  Thank you dear brothers.  Perhaps the best gift ever.  If you do not have this show, do yourself a favor:  Beg your wife for $50.00, drive to the nearest Best Buy (or and buy yourself a meaty buffet, sliced full of comedy that will last a lifetime.  Or... just borrow mine.

2. The Match Game returns.  I am not sure if there will be a 5 foot microphone, but there will be one of my favorite comics on the panel: Norm MacDonald.  I will tune in at least a couple times to hear his notoriously dry wit.  Also on the panel: Sarah Silverman.  Get ready for some sexual innuendo raunch that will leave your Grandma blushing. No word yet if Charles Nelson Reily's rotting corpse will join the cast of characters. Note to potential viewing audience: Although the show from the 70's was chalk full of innuendo, I am sure that in this version, the "innuendo" will be very thinly veiled.  We shall see.

3.  Just saw the preview for the movie Step Brothers.  Rarely does a movie trailer make me laugh out loud, but this one sure did.  Another obligatory "note":  This trailer has a bad word.  Not one of the big ones, but one you will not want your 6 year old hearing.  I mean, they can say the word on network television, but you definitely would never hear it on the Disney Channel.  If you are comfortable with that, please watch. (But don't blame me if you don't get into heaven.)  If you are not, do not watch.  But come visit me in a lesser kingdom when we die because I watched it.

Great news! Calder's tongue cancer is gone!

I have fantastic news everyone.  The first thing I did when Calder woke up was check his tongue.  Sure enough... no sign of the white plague.  Phew!  The last time I felt this relieved was when I was when blood tests cleared me of rabies or the time when my doctor told me that I had to be of African American decent to get Sickle Cell Anemia. (Which I swore I had!  Interesting tidbit of information from the Cliff Claven files - Only two white people have ever been diagnosed with Sickle Cell and it was because of a random mutation in their genes.  The doctor was not amused when I suggested I might have mutated genes.  It might have been at that very minute that she realized I had a hypochondriacal problem.)

It turns out the culprit was most likely a canker.  The really scary thing is that the only difference between a canker and cancer is a hard K!  I can't help but wonder... what if that hard K had been a soft C??  Thank goodness we will never know.

After a thorough search on Google and going through a mental list of potential diseases, these are the diagnosi (diagnoseses?) that Calder potentially could have received:

HIV (After reviewing the causes of HIV, I basically ruled this out early on.)
Tongue cancer
Epstein-Barr virus
A mucus on the tongue.  (Last night I actually thoroughly cleaned and disinfected the boy's toothbrush drawer because I worried that it's disgusting nature might have caused a mucus growth on his tongue.  I also threw away his toothbrush.)
A mouth blister.

Fortunately, this case is closed.  Thank you everyone for your two cents.  I wonder what the next strange illness the boys will come up with?

The boys just left for St. George with Grandma and Grandpa.  For the first time since Lincoln was born, I am alone in my house for an extended period of time.  I am supposed to go running 18 miles tonight.  With my knee still acting up and the hot weather, I will be lucky to get to 10.  I am a little concerned as no one will be home to call the police if I pass out along the way.  Maybe I should tell the neighbor that if I am not back by 10:30 to call the police?  I will log on and post how far I go when I get back.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Cloak Boy banned from singing at BYU.

OK, I admit I stole this off the board, but this is too funny to pass up.  Of all the hilarity that comes out of Provo these days, this video may be the best.  I don't know what is funnier, the fact that this boy was banned from singing or the fact that Deseret News thinks this is actual news.

Boys Rule the House (Day 2)

Day 2 without the mom.

It was a very good day today.  Although the boys woke up at 6:00, the day started well.  I went to work for a couple hours at 8:30.  Grandma left at 10:30 and I thought we would do some swimming.  I got out the old blow up pool and the foot pump.  The boys quickly got on their swimsuits and waited eagerly by the side of of the pool as I blew it up.  It took an hour and a half to blow for it to be fully inflated.  Needless to say, the anticipation turned to boredom and the boys crawled all over the sides.  

After finally inflating the pool, the boys had a quick dip in what was probably 37 degree water.  It was time for Calder's nap.  

After the nap ended the boys swam for 2 straight hours.  The water was much warmer and they loved it.  A couple of neighbor kids came over as well.  As you can see from the pictures, when the slide is wet, Lincoln flies down it and causes a tremendous splashdown.  

We came in and warmed up some frozen Papa Murphy's.  Calder went to bed and Lincoln and I put on the second Jurassic Park movie.  (We are watching the trilogy.) Lincoln lasted about an hour and fell asleep on the couch at 8:00.  He must have been exhausted because he NEVER falls asleep on the couch.  

I am still freaking out about Calder's tongue.  What could that white spot be?  So weird.  I still miss Cathi.  I bet she is curdled up in a ball in the corner of her tent right now, ready to come home.  

I have been keeping the house very clean.  It is strange that when I know that there is no one there to clean up after me, I clean up after everybody.  Sleeping alone was not as fun as I thought it would be.

A good day.  The boys leave for St. George tomorrow with their other Grandma for the weekend. If only that white spot on Calder's tongue would disappear.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Boys rule the house! (Day 1)

Day one without the mom.  

After a somewhat tumultuous and teary goodbye to the boys, she left this morning at 7:00.  She was supposed to meet at the Stake Center, but when we got there, I was sure we actually ran into a teenage polygamist convention or a conference of time traveling youth from 1865 wearing Nikes. Straw hats and bonnets seemed to be the flavor of the day and you could just feel the hormonal, acne-filled anticipation of the trip in the air.  I have been imagining Cathi all day long; cringing as an obnoxious primary song is sung for the 18th time on the bus or holding back tears as she tries to force a lazy 14 year old girl to walk another mile.  Oh, the joys of being obligated to going on Trek.

The boys have been spoiled today. Grandma took them to lunch and then to ice cream.  I have loaded their little bellies with even more chicken nuggets for dinner and cookies for desert.  Let us not forget the fruit snacks and lemonade throughout the day.  Boys will be boys.

One definite drawback of a missing, levelheaded wife is that she cannot slap me back into reality when I go over the top on my hypochondriac-ism-ness.  This afternoon I spotted a small, white patch on the end of Calder's tongue.  He won't allow me to touch it and acts like it hurts when I do.  My first guess is tongue cancer, however, I have not been able to make a complete diagnosis.  Will someone please tell me to "shut up and don't worry about it!  He is fine!"?  Man, do I miss her.  She is probably sitting by a campfire right now, wishing she could throw her bonnet and her ultra-chaste dress into the flames.

3 more days!  (Oh, and yes, that is Lincoln's underwear on Calder's head.)

Song of the Day - The Knife - Marble House

I have been very bored trying to think of something to do this summer so I made a list of songs to put up as a song of the day.  I thought I'd throw another one up this week as I actually got a couple comments from the last one.

Today's song is from a band called "The Knife".  I heard of them through my buddy, Jess.  Great band.  I like this song, but the video is very psychedelic and twisted.  I guess it fits the song though.

Don't Saran Wrap your friends.

My friends and I never did anything to get in real trouble in high school.  (By trouble, I mean prison time trouble.) However, we all had an odd sense of humor.  By "odd" I mean the kind of humor that makes a group of 16 year olds sit around and watch "Troll 2" over 20 times. The kind of humor that would allow us to think of the name "Bloody Stool" for our band.  This sense of humor also made us do stupid, dimwitted activities that someday we knew we could look back and laugh at.  Even though I have been laughing about this for years, that day has come.

We were in the thick of summer.  We had probably played softball 45 times in 30 days and we were bored with it.  As it turns out, we were bored with everything summer had to offer.  Boredom plus five fellows with a bizarre sense of humor equals trouble.  Fortunately, as hard as it tried, trouble rarely found us.  I don't remember ever once getting caught for one of our kooky and outlandish pranks.  

We had in our group what one might call a "tagalong".  He was two years younger than any of us and he would do anything just to be around us for a few minutes.  Most people who read this blog will know who I am talking about, but for anonymity's sake, I will refer to him as "Treg".  (Treg is actually a very cool guy whom we all became quite good friends with as time passed.)

When Treg knocked on the door that droll, tedious summer afternoon, we knew he was in for a treat.  What we had not decided was what that treat might entail.  He was always game for anything. With the TV flicking back and forward from MTV to HBO's crappy movie of the week, so were we.  One of my friends always had a creative passion for moments like this.  As we welcomed Treg in, my friend returned from the kitchen with a box of Saran Wrap.

When wrapping things of any size, Saran Wrap is really the way to go.  BYU saran wraps their statues the week they play Utah, my mom saran wrapped the extra slice of pizza for our lunch the next day and my brother saran wrapped his arm casts to keep moisture out when swimming.  Greg certainly was excited about the prospect of saran wrapping his body.

Wrapping three rolls around Treg's torso was not the best part.  The highlight was decorating his face in makeup and his hair with flowers.  Treg took it all with a smile on his face and a chip in his hop.  He looked like a strangely formed merman without arms.  It was still early in the day.  What a perfect opportunity to show the neighbors!

We dragged Treg into the front yard.  My other friend returned from the backyard with a sturdy wheelbarrow.  We carefully set Treg down and off we were to find the best doorstep in the Sugarhouse community.  

We arrived at the doorstep of a crazy old woman that lived in our ward.  She was not really crazy, just peculiarly eccentric.  (She had 7 cats and fake flowers in her flower beds.)  

What should be the best part of the story is now a little hazy.  Perhaps some of my buddies that read this blog can help me out?  I remember hiding behind some bushes after dropping him off and ringing the doorbell.  Unfortunately, I do not recall what the woman said or did when she came to the door.  My best recollection is that she had a strange look on her face and said, "Well, what do we have here?  What is this all about?"  

It was about this time that we knew that the joke had gone far enough.  We were the masters of taking a prank just far enough that we knew we would not get in trouble for it.  We had an imperious sense of knowing just when to pull the plug.  Instead of leaving Treg there to rot with the old, crazy lady, we rescued him from impending doom.  We welcomed Treg back into the fold.  It only took 6 more similar pranks before he was officially welcomed as one of us.  

Treg, if you read this blog, as you might, I sincerely apologize to you for this (and other) series of unfortunate events.  It should have been me in that wheelbarrow and on that old ladies doorstep.  I should have taken that saran wrapped bullet for you.  

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Maybe next year Kobe... more likely never!

Outplayed and outclassed by Paul Pierce.  

Movie Review: Kung Fu Panda and other stuff.

Lincoln and I ventured out into the movie theaters yesterday to see Kung Fu Panda.  Lincoln had been very eager to see this movie and I was in the mood for a relaxing afternoon of laughing with my best 6 year old pal.  So we snuck in a couple of candy bars, grabbed our $1.00 refillable Larry H. mug and headed off for a father son adventure.

The movie had a Jack Blackish comical tone to it.   The moment you hear Jack say the word, "awsomeness" to describe Kung Fu, you can't help but chuckle.  Well, for Lincoln, it was more of a belly laugh than a chuckle.  It could not be more suited to a six year old boy.  Action, adventure, slap stick comedy and more Kung Fu than you could shake a sabre or nunchucks at.  We were thoroughly engaged as we watched the Fearless Five take on the evil panther.  The action scenes were the most entertaining I have ever seen in a animated feature.  We would recommend this movie to anyone, especially six year old boys.

Cathi leaves tomorrow for her Trek.  Apparently, they asked all the girls to bring 18th century nightgowns to wear at night.  That is where Cathi drew the line.  She threw her sweats in the bucket and said, "I am not going back to the D.I. to look for an ugly nightgown to wear for 2 nights!  They can send me home if they don't like my sweats."  Ha ha... she is so cool.

After my last 17 mile run last Friday, every time I stand on my right thigh, I am extremely sore.  My right knee is also killing me.  I had to limp half of my five miler on Monday until it finally loosened up.  I am sure I looked like quite the buffoon lumbering down the street like I had a cast up to my hip.  My schedule calls for an 8 miler today, but I just don't know if that is going to happen.  I think that I need to do some more stretching before each run.  

In addition, this heat just kills me.  Even if it is in the 70's, it is twice as difficult to run than when it is in the 60's.  I feel like I still HAVE to get out in the heat though.  Who knows what the temperature will be like on the 24th of July?

Monday, June 16, 2008

Screech relative myths debunked.

I was doing some very extensive and time consuming research on Screech (Dustin Diamond), from Saved By The Bell this past week.  It was difficult work, but A... Someone HAS to do it. And 2... The 16 hours I put in researching Screech turned out to be a near religious experience. It may have been the most productive 16 hours of my life Many people ask what I do after tutoring all summer.  This, my friends, is the answer.  There could not be anything that is LESS of a waste of time.

I know many of you have questions about the man's real father and brother.  He is not really a mortal man; he is more like a legend.  I found this article from the Washington Post.  Some of the highlights:

Q: So you really aren't Neil Diamond's son?
Dustin Diamond: Neil is NOT my dad.  There may be some relation, but I've never looked it up or met Neil.  (Maybe someone that reads my blog can do some real genealogical work and figure out the link, for the sake of both Neil and Dustin?)

Q: Is Mike D from the Beasty Boys your brother?
A: Mike D from the Beasty Boys is NOT my brother.

Q: Is Bob Sagget your father?
A: You know where daddy is?  Please tell him I miss him.

That pretty much covers it.  NO to Neil & Mike D.  YES to Sagget.  I don't know what is more embarrassing, having Bob Sagget as a father or being Dustin Diamond.

Watching Golf Is Fun!

One great thing about being a teacher is that I am home in the summer afternoons and I can watch the great golf match today.  Growing up, I hated watching golf on television.  It is now my second favorite sport to watch after football.  The action was great and give credit to Rocco Mediate, a very likable guy and the first man to push Tiger to his limit.  However, one of the best moments of the day was this Fed Ex commercial:

Song of the Day - Arcade Fire - Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)

If you haven't bought into the Arcade Fire hype yet, now is the time.  These guys are incredible.  This is my favorite Arcade Fire song, and that is saying a lot because there are so many to chose from.  I have no clue what is going on in this video, but the part where the guy is in saran wrap reminds me of my buddy Greg.  I will have to blog about that sometime.  If you like Arcade Fire, put your favorite song in the comments.  I'd like to hear from you.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

How many treats does a two year old need to stay quiet for one hour?

Today I came stockpiled to sacrament meeting.  I had hoarded the cupboards.  I had hunted and gathered whatever morsels of goodness that I could find to keep a two year old content for one hour.  Cathi had gone to church early for a meeting, so I stuffed the diaper bag with all manner of delicious fruit snacks.

We weren't even sitting down before Calder asked for his first snack.  He calls out "SNAA...Snaa...I want snaa mom."  Having been overly prepared, I excitedly handed Cathi the first bag of "Fruit Gushers" I had found this morning.  Unfortunately, Calder eats treats like a gorilla eats bugs.  As soon as he finds one, it is in his mouth.  And if there is more than one, they are all in his mouth.  The Gushers lasted about 49.62 seconds.  

Knowing that there were more treats to be had, Calder immediately howls out, in his best anti-church tone, "snaaaa...want more snaaa!"  I leaned over and grabbed what I call "Inner City Trail Mix".  It is a mix of marshmallows, Fruity Cheerios, fish crackers and Corn Pops.  Calder wanted none of this nonsense.  "Snaa" means fruit snacks.  Nothing more, nothing less.

After offering the mix of discarded food dreck several times, my patience began to run thin.  Calder was now in one of his signature "back board braces" in which he lays on your lap, arches his back and either moans or cries.  Most parents know this maneuver. It is a fairly common practice for 2-3 year olds.  It is nearly impossible to pull a screaming child from this stiffened pose.  Desperate, I grabbed the diaper bag and pulled out fruit snack number two.  Pirates of the Caribbean this time.  

Things went well for the next 55.6 seconds.  Calder then noticed that the fruit snacks were shaped like skeletons.  He thinks skeletons signify pirates and every time he sees one he says, "Yo Ho Ho".  The next stop on his Sacrament Meeting itinerary was shoving fruit snacks in his parents closed mouths while yelling "Yo Ho Ho" at a high decibel.  Strike 2.

Calder did, however, finish the fruit snacks and wanted more.  (We were still singing the opening hymn.)  This time Calder went scuba diving for his own treasures under the pews.  It took him 3 seconds to find the diaper bag, pull out a fruit roll up and say, "Guw-o-A Baw!"  Very cute, but not so funny.

I allowed him to eat the roll up, which he promptly rolled into a small ball and shoved the entire thing in his mouth.  It took him all of 8 seconds to eat the Guw-O-A baw.  Blasted!  

In between snacks, I tried to entertain him with some books that we have had in the diaper/treat bag for several weeks.  His main objective in every book he reads is to find Dumbo.  Even if the story has nothing to do with an elephant, he will find pictures or clouds or anything, point to it and yell, "DUMBO!"  He did this to about 4 books and then I decided to find a different treat.

Aha!  Perfect! I pulled my small bowl of Inner City Trail Mix out.  He had to be in the mood for this now.  The trail mix proved to be more of a sorting activity than an eating one.  He calmly picked out every marshmallow in the cup and rammed them down his tiny esophagus.  Following the marshmallows, he went for the fish crackers.  He left the rest for the poor and needy.

After the trail mix excursion, Cathi made an attempt at holding the squirly scalawag.  He crawled all over her, stuck his fingers in her mouth and yelled," BITE ME" and made an escape attempt over the back row.  Strike 3.

I took Calder out at about 11:35.  As I wrangled him out of the service, he shrieked, "MORE TREE, MORE TREE!"   I took him to a side room and held him firmly on my lap.  I thought, "Leaving Sacrament meeting should not be fun and this kid is going to as miserable as he has made us for the next 15 minutes!"

For the next 15 minutes, Calder glanced up at me and smile his big, tomfoolery grin.  He would softly pinch my nose and say, "Got-cher-no, daddy".  He would smile and plead, "Tree, daddy, tree?"  It was so perplexingly tough to stay mad at him. Why couldn't he be this good in the meeting?  He was just tormenting me.  I finally relented and we went back as the closing prayer was being said.

So how many treats does it take to get a two year old through sacrament meeting?  The same as the number of licks in a Tootsie Pop.  The world will never know.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

One more way to avoid getting the bird flu -

Don''t get one of these:

Racist sock puppets from Utah.

Thanks Tim, for this story from the Salt Lake Tribune today.  He said it was blog-tastic and boy was he right.

I am not sure what is going on with West Jordan lately.  I promise, not all the people there are racist.  But it does make me wonder if these people are related to that hammerheaded oaf, Senator Chris Buttars.  

In effort to save those of you that might actually be racist money, I give you the instructions on how to build your own racist Barrack Obama sock puppet.

1.  Grow up in a West Jordan bubble in which you never see a person of color.  
2. Put a sock on your hand so that your fingers and thumb are in the toe and the back of the wrist is in the heel.
3. Watch a lot of Mel Gibson movies.
4. Make a slit in the sock between your thumb and your fingers.
5. Attach a confederate flag onto your four wheeler.  
6. Cut an oval 3 inches long and 3 inches across. 
7.  Buy a couple of long, pointed white hats that go over your face.
8. Glue two ovals together in the mouth portion of the sock.
9. Completely shave your head.
10. Sew two buttons onto your sock for eyes.
11. Travel your neighborhood and leave hate pamphlets on people's doorsteps.
12. Color your sock so it looks like a completely racist epithetical symbol.
13. Be a complete Jackass!  

Friday, June 13, 2008

OK, I found a roller coaster worse than "The Bat"

It is in Japan.  Apparently, it is a "pedal coaster" that you pedal the entire thing.  If you can make it up that first uphill climb, it is a doozy!  It does, in fact, look death defyingly scary.  But those uphill climbs are a killer.

By the way, I ran 17 miles just now.  I almost passed out at mile 16 when I had to stop for traffic.  My entire body cramped up like a boa constrictor about two blocks from my house.  I thought I was going to have to crawl home.

A Day At Lagoon

As I posted last night, we went to Lagoon yesterday and it was one day too many.  The boys had fun and that is the important thing.  Here are some thoughts about the Lagoon experience:

If there is a rollercoaster that has been built that is worse than "The Bat" anywhere in the world, I'd like to know about it.  What a colossal waste of money.  

If you have ever been to a real thrill ride theme park like Six Flags or Knotts Berry Farm, you know what a joke the Lagoon thrill rides are.  Hey Lagoon, how about springing for a coaster that lasts more than 45 seconds?  That would be a start.  Lagoon does it right with the mid sized thrill rides, but their ventures into rollercoasters make them look cheap.   

What happened to the traveling Lagoon band?  I miss those losers.  Haven't seen them in years.  They probably went the way of the "Jazz band"... councilors at summer band camp.

When I ride the sky ride with a kid, even a 6 year old, I am scared to death.  I seriously cannot believe that there has not been one injury on that ride.  That single bar going across your lap can't be that safe.  It is the one ride that fat people are more safe on.

Bring back the funhouse.  That was the best thing at Lagoon.  While you are at it, bring back the giant three wheel water trikes,  the "hammer" and the old, wooden Wild Mouse.

Which reminds me, while waiting in line for the Wild Mouse I hear, "A cart once fell off the old Wild Mouse and two people died!"  I am so tired of this rumor.  It never happened!  

Nobody cares about the "pioneer" stuff in Pioneer Village anymore.  

The kiddyland boat ride is so old, it should be in pioneer village.  I think Brigham Young may have designed it.

Calder has been on this kick where he goes up to animals, sticks his finger in their face and says "Bite me! Bite me!"  No animal has taken the bait yet.  The best part of the day was when he went up to a mean goose (probably the same one that I have had problems with) and stuck his finger not 6 inches from it's face while it was hissing at him.  BITE ME! 
 If Cathi had not been there in seconds, I am positive that we would have been headed to the emergency room with half eaten, goose finger.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Bad news. Build-A-Bear lawyers just called. It's a no go.

A Franchise Opportunity

I have been thinking of opening a new franchise.  Allow me a few minutes to explain.

Build-A-Bear Workshop has been making bank with their $215.00 stuffed animals and their $112.00 doll outfits.  Well, what happens when a Build-A-Bear is torn or explodes?  What happens then?  WHAT HAPPENS THEN?!

Take it to the Re-Build-A-Bear Workshop.  For only $200.00 you could re-build the same stuffed doll you built just days ago.  It is twice the fun for just a fraction of the cost.  (Fractions can be big or small.) 

I am just in the planning stages with this one, but I think it has some potential.

Why I hate Deal or No Deal

This skit is perfect to describe exactly why I hate that show.

Is it called "hopscotch" because you tip over a lot when you play it?

When I teach compound words to my class, we always brainstorm (hey, brainstorm is a compound word!) a list of a few.  This last year, a kid recommended the word "hopscotch" to add to our list.  I had to really think about that word.  I said to the class, "Okay, hop is a word, right?"   Lets see, "scotch", yes... that is a word alright."  I quickly moved on, in hopes of avoiding having to explain what scotch is.  Of course, a voice from the back calls out, "Teacher, what is scotch?"  Fortunately, and unfortunately, I did not have to answer that question as another student chimed in, "It's a drink and my uncle drinks too much!"  The cat was out of the bag as the class was abuzz with stories about how their mom is trying to quit smoking or how drinking coffee is bad for you.  

Anyway, here is a list of compound words my kids have come up with in the past four years that I am not sure about.  Let me know what you think.

Huckleberry (What is a huckle?)
Spongebob (Can a name be a compound word?)
Jigsaw (Is it like a dance?)
Kidnap (Do they take a nap after they take the kid?)
Muskrat (Are they rats that wear cologne?)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The World's Worst Board Game

Recently, we have been collecting some great games.  We have all sorts.  It is a great thing to collect, because it really is "fun for the whole family."  While researching some games, I came across what very well may be the worst board game ever invented...THE FULL HOUSE BOARD GAME!

Now, I have played some pretty awful board games in my day, including "Ghostbusters" and the G.I. Joe game at the cabin.  However, nothing I have ever played looks even remotely close to being as lame as the Joey Joke cards.

Monday, June 9, 2008

McDonalds & Ducks

McDonalds is the devil.  Every time I set foot in that death trap, I eat too much and leave less than satisfied.  I have a sorry admission to make.  Tonight I ate myself sick.

I was feeling great all day.  I was full of energy after an awful couple of days with my stomach in crapper.  After a visit to the dentist, Cathi suggested that we visit my in-laws.  They, in turn, suggested that we visit Ronald.  Ronald then suggested I visit the bathroom.

I almost always get the same thing at McDonalds.  The two cheeseburger meal with fries.  I almost always end up getting another cheeseburger.  It is the ultimate bait and switch system that they have at that place.  Two cheeseburgers just does not cut it.  Three cheeseburgers makes you sick.  Today I ate three.  Even after mowing the lawn and running three miles, I feel sick.  As soon as I pull open those sticky handled doors and step foot on those filthy red tiles, I have no will power.  

Another thing... what is the deal with all the ducks this year?!  We have had several ducks galavant across our lawn several times in the past three months.  When I go jogging, I see ducks at almost every corner.  There were three ducks that laid eggs at my school this year, as opposed the usual one.  Several of my students had stories of ducks laying claim to their backyards as home.  My sister has also informed me that Tooele has been infestated with the lake rats. Why so many ducks?  I have a theory.

The wet weather this spring put the ducks in an extra romantic mood, if you know what I mean!

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Poor Kobe: 0-2

How to avoid getting the bird flu.

I am sitting her at home from church, with my sick son, Calder. I thought, as a public service, I would think of and list some ways to avoid the bird flu. It took me about 45 minutes to think of this list, so hopefully you will find this info helpful.

1. Wash your hands after touching a bird.
2.  Wash your hands after touching bird 
3. Teach your bird to cover it's beak when it coughs.
4. Do not share a soda with your bird.
5.  If seriously injured, only get a blood transfusion from your bird as a last resort.
6.  Never share needles with a bird.
7. Stay away from birds that look suspicious in nature.
8. Buy a BB Gun.
9. Wear a face shield when performing CPR on a bird.
10. As a general rule, rabid birds should be strictly avoided.
11. Wear a mask when visiting the aviary.
12. Only climb birdless trees.
13. Don't raise poultry in Southeast Asia.
14. Do not use your fingernails when scraping bird poo from your car.
15. Wash your bird daily in Hydrogen Peroxide.
16.  Only eat poultry that has been thoroughly cooked.  
17.  When feeding the birds, instead of buying the "tuppence" bags, buy the "two-pence" bags.  The disease infected birds only like the tuppence bags.
18.  Never chew food for your baby birds.
19. Birds at public pools should always wear swim diapers.
20. Use a hand sanitizer with at least 60% alcohol.
21. Your dress everyday should at least mimic that of a scarecrow.
22. Do not drink from a birdbath and do not allow your bird to drink from your bath.
23. Make a list of places that birds might be and avoid those places at all costs.
24. Become a anti-bird flu advocate and donate your time to the ABFLU.
25. Seal your windows and doors with duct tape so that birds can not somehow get in your house.  (They now sell clear duct tape!)
26. Help control the bird population: have your bird spayed or neutered.
27. Poison your bird feeders.
28. If you see a dead bird, don't touch it!
29. Dig a hole and live underground for awhile. 
30. Stop attending cock fights.
31. Do not trust people that look like birds but say they are not.
32. Don't do this:

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Summer with the Jazz

I am sitting on our couch, sick to my stomach. I am not sure why I am sick. Probably diabetes, colon cancer, MS or the Bird Flu. It has to be one of those. Anyway, I have plenty of time today to heal my ailment and so I will sit and type what I think the Jazz need to do this summer.

Now, the Jazz are notoriously stingy and even more conservative. I believe that this stems from their "car dealership" owner that is always looking for the best deal. However, I feel that they have been overly conservative in their moves and that cost them a championship ten years ago.

So, what should Kevin O'Connor and the Jazz do this summer to improve the team? There are many options. Unfortunately, the likely scenario is that Sloan, O'Connor and the rest of the traditionalist, restrained thinking boys will be to stand pat. (Except to draft a 7 foot stiff that will play for the Flash next year.)

What if I were O'Connor? What would I do? Here are some realistic options.

1. Trade Andre Kirilinko. Sure, he was much improved last year. But I just can't help but think that Milsap could put up at least the same numbers in the amount of minutes AK plays. Plus, Milsap won't jack up the occasional unauthorized three. So, who do you trade AK for? Here is a very legit option:

AK and Ronnie Brewer to Phili for Samuel Dalembert, Willie Green and Jason Smith. Who are these guys, you ask?
Dalembert is a 6-11 Center. He is 27 years old. He averaged 10 PPG, 10 RPG and most importantly 2.5 blocks per game. This is the kind of guy the Jazz definitely need coming off the bench. Green is a 26 year old SG. Last year he averaged 12 PPG but shot an abysmal 28% from the 3. Hmmm, sounds just like Brewer! Jason Smith is a young PF (you may remember him from Colorado State). The Jazz really wanted to draft him, but he was taken before they picked. As a rookie, he averaged about 5 PPG.

How does that make the Jazz better you ask? Simple. Green and Brewer are a wash. It allows Milsap to move into the starting SF spot and most importantly, it shores up Utah's biggest weakness - defense in the post. Wouldn't it be nice to throw Dalembert in there for half the game and Okur in for half the game. Can you imagine the matchup problems that would cause?

2. Trade Harpring. It will never happen. Larry H. is too devoted to this guy. But, lets face it, his prime time has passed. And lets face another truth. The guy is a flat out ball hog. If the Jazz brass could somehow get over their love affair with "Mr. Hustle", here would be a perfect trade.

Harpring to New Jersey for Stromile Swift. Swift is athletic PF that can play some C. He gets his share of blocks and he is 3 years younger than Harpring. I know it will never happen, but if Larry H. could somehow swallow some pride, you never know.

3. Move up in the draft. If the Jazz could somehow move up about 10 picks, there are some players that could really help 3 years. The Jazz are poised to win now, and moving up just to draft anyone will not help them to accomplish that goal. Stupid idea!

4. Sign a free agent. OK, this one is likely to happen. However, the Jazz will only have the exception to work with and will have to beg and plead for anyone of value to come to Utah. Some possibilities are:

Othella Harrington
Jamaal Magloire
Eduardo Najara
Austin Croshere
Chris Mihm
Hey, how about this - Michael Doleac???

Not exactly "barn burners", eh? But the way I look at it, any of those guys could come in and flop just as well as Jaron Collins does!

There you have it. A few Jazz options. Personally, I like the idea of trading AK, but I'd just be satisfied if they sign D Will to an extension. What are your thoughts? If Larry Miller cries this summer, we will know something big has gone down.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Song of the Day - Spoon - The Underdog

Here is a band that has been around for awhile.  What I like about them is that they just flat out rock.  They don't try to be something they are not.  They just play.  This is off their latest album - Ga Ga Ga.  Check it out!

The Dentist

Monday is dentist day.  I think this is the 8th dentist we have tried since we have been married.  They have all been too far, made stuff up about our teeth to do work we don't need, too expensive or just plain strange.  However, one of the dentists did give me some Percocet once.  That was an atypical, bizarre day.

I had a crown that had become impacted and full of puss.  (Hope you are not eating right now.)  The dentist drained it but he did not have time during the emergency appointment to fix it.  He instead prescribed some very fulfilling Percocet to keep me company.

I went to work the next day at the office and things went well until lunch time.  After lunch, my tooth ached like it had been hit by a miniature exploding bullet.  My head began to involuntarily twitch with every sprinkle of titanic burst of pain that radiated through my gums.

I pulled the Percocet out of my drawer.  This situation called for a "double dose".  After all, when I had incredible headaches, I had always taken 3 aspirins instead of two.  Two Percocets seemed to be just what the imaginary doctor in my brain called for.  

For lunch, I had a lovely array of Wendy's french fries, a "double" burger and Coke.  I followed this up with a Hostess Cherry Pie.  Okay, I am a bit ashamed of the way that I was eating at this point of my life.  I blame it on working in an office, where people eat crap all day long.  

As I sat at my desk and digested the Percocet, I noticed that I could not keep my eyes on the computer screen.  The screen kept moving on me, like someone was pushing it to the side.  Every time I would fixate my eyes on the screen, some invisible clown would push it one foot to the left.  Soon, the computer was floating in the air and circling me, mocking me.  

My amusement toward my floating computer was soon replaced by the large, black pit that started to form in my stomach.  The Percocet did not like Wendy's the same way I had.  I needed to get to the restroom and fast.  

I think I made it two steps and then I puked all over the office floor.  As I had just eaten a cherry pie, I was under the impressing that I was puking up blood.  Being in the overdosed condition that I was in, I lay on the ground, panicking and flailing my arms.  I don't remember much else.

My boss called my wife to come and get me.  They took me down and laid me on the grass to wait.  Apparently, they didn't want me to puke in the office again.  

Cathi came and got me.  I would have been extremely embarrassed but I was so out of it, I really didn't care about anything.  Just another reason I could never work in an office again.

Ahh, sweet, sweet Percocet.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Summer TV

I have been trying to get into a few TV series lately but I just can't force myself to watch. Lately, I'd much rather spend my time listening to music, eating food, blogging, running, playing Solitaire on my iPod or wearing socks.  Now that I am out of school, I should have plenty of time to catch a few shows this summer.  Here is a preview of some new shows I have tried so far:

So You Think You Can Dance?  I will give this show some credit.  It is much more fun watching bad dancers than bad singers.  However, after a few bad dancers in a row, the magic of watching them is gone.  If I really wanted to watch bad dancers dance, I would just do my morning dance routine in front of a mirror. (That's right, I have a morning dance routine.) By the way, about 7 years ago, I tried to exercise with my wife in our front room using a dance workout video.  I went through this charade for a couple weeks before realizing that this was really not the work out program for me.  If Cathi would have taped it, it would be an uproarious bit of slapstick that would rival anything you may have seen on SYTYCD.  The first couple of sessions, I thought I was at least as coordinated as the man that was doing the "low impact" steps.  I was wrong.  

The Alaska Project - A fine idea, but this show is bogged down by it's banner after every commercial break.  "The contestants on this show have a survival expert by their side every minute of every day."  We never see this expert, but it is nice to know that they are not in any real danger...ever!  What a disappointment.  I watch these survival shows to see people get mauled, eaten, frostbit, hungry, lost, mauled again, lost again and then found and then put to work by slave factories (this has actually not happened yet in any show I have seen, but I keep hoping against hope), accidentally step on a bear trap, had to have a limb amputated by using their own pocketknife, fall into an active volcano, captured by a cult and taken into their temple and had their hearts pulled out of their chest before being dipped into a pit of lava or even chipped a nail.  Unfortunately, none of these things have happened on this show. Boring.

The worst thing the people have had to go through on the Alaska Experiment was that one guy found a lump on his testicle.  He called his Jewish doctor, Dr. TestiOvichich, back in the Bronx and his doctor told him not to worry about it.  Now THAT is drama.  That will have me tuning in again.  Oh, and they have to eat the salmon every night that they have caught while fishing all Alaska.  THAT WOULD TOTALLY NOT SUCK!  Good thing the survival expert is there in case there is extra or in case the salmon are dangerous.

The Deadliest Catch - I watched this show about 5 times and then I got a little seasick.  Here is the funny thing about this show though -  Of the five times I watched it, I think I heard one BEEP to beep out a swear word.  My wife watches a show called "Hell's Kitchen" and that is all you hear: "BEEP, get the BEEPING rice out of the BEEPING BEEP BEEP BEEP porridge before you BEEP BEEP serve those BEEP BEEP tin foil BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP hedgehog legs from the BEEPING farm!"  I just turn to her and say, "Cooking must be BEEPing hard!"

So what is the point of this you say?  It just goes to show you that Chefs swear like a Sailor and Sailors swear like Pastry Cooks from Orem.

By the way, I ran 16 miles today. 

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

My new eraser guys t shirt.

I received today an "Eraser Guys" T Shirt.  Thank you Harrison and the the triplet family.  This is my favorite shirt now!  

My kid's favorite shows.

Lincoln loves Spongebob and the new Transformers animated series.  He also likes Spiderman.  But mostly Spongebob.  He loves Spongebob.  (As a friend, of course.)

Calder loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Blues Clues.

They both love Curious George.

Thank goodness neither of them love Yo Gabba Gabba.  They might end up like this kid:

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Juggling tricks.

I have been thinking a real lot lately about things I'd like to see jugglers juggle and tricks I'd like to see them perform.  This is the list I came up with.

Juggling Q Tips
Nighttime juggling.  
Juggling in trees.
Juggling while repairing motherboards.
Upside down juggling
Juggling in the back of a moving ice cream truck.
Juggling while kissing a mannequin.
Juggling while eating crab.

Juggling while renewing a drivers license at the DMV.
Juggling while trying on bridesmaids dresses at "Modest By Design" "Clothing your father will approve of."
Juggling killer cobras.

Those are just some of the ideas that I spent 6 hours thinking of last night.  Now this is stuff I'd pay big money to see!

P.S. When I make posts like this, Cathi always tells me "Abe you're weird!"  That is exactly the response I am looking for.  So if you read a post like this, just put in the comments a simple "Abe, you're weird." and I will be very pleased.

P.S.S. or is it P.P.S?  or P.S.P? - I am very bored tonight as Cathi and the kids are at Lagoon.  I bet you could tell.

Something that makes me laugh to near tears -" The Traveling Poet"

Sometimes I am a dimwitted mutterbrain of a teacher.

How often do you need to put things in alphabetical order? I noticed recently that it seems that I have to do it all the time. I also noticed an odd thing the last time I had to do it. It seems that whenever I have to place things in ABC order, I end up singing the ABC song in my mind. "Lets see, this card here starts with F. Okay, music in mind please...A B C D E F...F! After E and before G. Perfect. It goes right here!" When there is something that starts with a letter later in the alphabet, I usually start the song with N or R. But I still have to sing the song in my brain. Does this happen to anyone else?

Another mortifying thing I notice that I do as a teacher is that when I am teaching times tables and I need the answer to a 9's question, I subconsciously do the finger trick to get the answer. Even though I know the answer, I still put down the finger, just to make sure. As long as I am confessing my moronity and jackassedness, I must divulge that I still often use my fingers when adding.

We had a First Grade Tug-o-war today and I thought I would challenge four prechosen, bulky kids. What started off well quickly turned bad when I was drug through the grass for about 40 feet and couldn't reach my whistle. The kids watching it found it sidesplittingly funny as I screamed "STOP, STOP!" while they schlepped me through the sod. I have a large grass stain on my backside. Superb fun.