Tuesday, September 13, 2011

First Grade Divas

The following was a conversation I had with a first grade class after reading the word "diva" in the book Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse. The names have been changed. Even mine.

Cheeseboy: Does anyone know what the word "diva" means?

Cindy: Yes, that is a girl that is really bad.  Does really bad things and stuff.

Cheeseboy: Well, yes. Some divas do very bad things.  But not all.

Lisa: A diva is like a girl singer. A girl singer that is famous.

Cheeseboy: Yes! That's right.

Amanda: I know a diva. Hannah Montana is a diva.

Gerald: Hannah Montana? I've been there. It takes like 4 hours to drive there.

Cindy: Hannah Montana's real name is Miley Kie-rus.

Cheeseboy: You mean Miley Cy-rus?

Cindy: No... Miley... KIE-RUS!

Cheeseboy: No, the C makes the S sound in Cyrus.

Cindy: I know it's KIE-RUS. I have the magazines.

Cheeseboy: Okay.

Amanda: Lady Gaga is a diva!


Cindy: My mom says she is one of the divas that does really bad stuff like I was talking about before.

Cheeseboy: Okay, that's great girls. Let's get back to our story now. As I was saying...


Amanda: No he is not! He is not a diva!

Cheeseboy: [Laughing hard now] Yes, I guess he does sing like a girl. But you actually HAVE to be a girl to be a diva.

Amanda: His girlfriend is Selena Gomez. She is a diva.


Cheeseboy: Alright, settle down. Yes, Selean Gomez is a diva. Justin Bieber is not. Alright, back to the story.

Jenny: The Little Mermaid, Ariel, she's is a diva.

Cheeseboy: Yes, I suppose she is.

Adrienne: AND TANGLED! Tangled is a diva!

Cheeseboy: Yep. Tangled is a diva. Is Tangled her name? Ah, nevermind. Okay, as I was saying...

Jenny: Mr. Cheeseboy, who's Lady Gaga?

A good friend of mine's brother has recently started a blog called "Stoney Acres".  It is a blog dedicated to farming and becoming self efficient in an urban setting.  Very interesting.  Stop by and give it a look or follow. Click here.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I'm back.

I doubt I've been missed much, but I needed a break from blogging.  It happens to me from to time, kinda like my reoccurring case of Swimmer's Itch.

So now I'm back, like the Terminator, but without the illegitimate children or the housekeeper/baby mama waiting in the wings. 

During my blogcation, I did done some deep thinking.  I thought long and hard and then I thought short and soft about my blogs future.  I did a lot of thinking of varying firmnesses and lengths.  

Alas, I decided to continue the blogging on the great Blog O' Cheese, but I determined that it was taking too much of my time, especially considering that I have a budding Twitter career just hitting the big time. (@Cheeseboy22) 

It is because of my desire to free up more time and then to waste that time into nothingness that I have decided to place a few restrictions on my return.  They are thus:

1. I will only post once a week, likely on Tuesdays.  I will save my best ideas for this one post and by "best" I mean, "the crap you are used to". 

2. My posts will be primarily humorous stories from my life.  I've found that these are generally the most well received and tend to be the funniest.  Occasionally I may write a nonsense post or a opinion piece, but there are only so many crappy products to make fun of.

3. I will continue to attempt to comment on my close blog friend's blogs at least once per week.

4. If you post a comment on my blog, I will do everything in my power to return the favor on your blog. That is, if you leave a trail for me to follow.  If you are not linked back to your blog on your profile, I have no way of finding you and heaven knows, everyone loves to be found on the internets. 

So there you have it.  I'm back, but with some caveats, which is perfect because I love fish eggs on my morning blog post bagels.  I appreciate all my beloved followers sticking with me and I promise to reward you with either some hilarious writing or 30% off coupons for everyone at Bed, Bath and Beyond. 

I hope you chose the writing.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Vote for the Blog O' Cheese and all your dreams will come true!

Hey folks and beloved friends...

While you are waiting for the great Blog O' Cheese revamp, PLEASE vote for the blog as "Best Daddy Blog" on Parents.com here.

With your help, I can be known as the greatest daddy blogger in all of the land!

**Just realized that you have to open an account on Parents.com to vote, which is incredibly STUPID, so I would not blame you if you did not vote, but I would thank you if you did.


Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Great Blog O' Cheese Reboot of 2011

The Blog O' Cheese is currently in the process of getting a facelift/reboot, depending on what your sex is.  Things have become a little stale and tedious in the blog world and it is time to change things up a bit.

I've always said that if you are not looking to improve and get better then you are just kinda standing around and staying the same.  I am not sure those are the exact words I always use, but it is some B.S. like that.  Maybe I throw some other inspirational words in there to evoke a few tears from the crowd.

Anyway, look for the Blog O' Cheese to return with a new look and a new feel and most importantly, NEW POSTS on September 5!  I know you can't wait and I know this because you are reading these words now.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

If my family was Amish...

- Alright yunguns, time yuns stop playing that peg game and go out into the sun.

- But fatha, we can't outen the lights and head outside.  We're on the 7th level! One more and we've cleared the board. We're so close! Pleeeeeease papa!

- You've been playing that blasted thing for hours now. How is it that yuns children can just sit and stare at that wood board all day?! I tell yuns, it wonders me.  It wonders me something fierce.

- But fatha, we love this game! We can never eat ourselves full of it.

- You know, yuns eyes are going to turn into creamed corn or dippy ecks by staring at that wood all day.

- [Crying] Fatha, fatha!  We are almost to the 7th level.  PLEASE don't make us go outside!

- I careth not about the 7th level. Your brutzing is unbearable.  Now go outside and spin a that wheel thing with a stick or something.

- [Still crying] But fatha, it's spritzing outside and we haven't... I mean, I'm on my last life! Just a few moments more, fatha.

- It is not spritzing.  T'is a lovely day outside.  Now, I'm going to take that drat thing and chuck it in yuns corn husks over yonder!  Now goeth outside and DO SOMETHING!  NOW!

- Papa, we promise we won't play for the rest of the day and we won't be nix nootz children.

- Look here, children, it's mox nix.  Either yuns get outside and run around like right like children or I taketh your little game and smash it into pieces.

- Fatha?

- NOW!

- [Crying] Alright fatha, alright.

Friday, August 5, 2011

The "Overcoming Procrastination" Class

This post was inspired by a post by a good blog friend, Pedaling Fast. The post can be found here.  Essentially, it involves this poster she saw at my least favorite "University", BYU:

The following is a transcript of the above class...

- Well, I suppose we should get started even though it looks like a lot of people are running late.

- No, we'll wait.  Okay, I suppose we'll wait a few more minutes.

- Alright, it's really time we get started.  Thank you for coming today.  I appreciate your patience as we have had to reschedule this class 16 times.  We've finally found time to make this happen!

- Today's lecture will be on "Overcoming Procrastination".  Our guest speaker, Donald Feinstein is running a bit late so I will be covering until he gets here.

- Alright, it looks like a few more people are just now showing up, so I am just going to wait a minute or two to let everyone get settled.

- Thank you, everyone for coming. As you may have heard, Dr. Feinstein is running a little late, so I will be lecturing until he gets here.  Actually, before I start, could I have each of you stand up, state your name and tell us why you are taking this class?  Also, could each of you tell us something unique or funny about yourself?  Since there are roughly 112 people here, I'll go last...

- Thank you everyone, that was very informative.  I think I will tell you about myself next time as we are running out of time.  Dr. Feinstein just called and he said he probably won't be making it tonight, so I'll be doing the majority of the talking.

- Before I begin, I'd like each of you to take out a piece of paper and write a list of 50 things you procrastinate about.  No, not 50, we better make it 100.  Go with 100.

- Okay, put your pencils down.  Now what I'd like you to do is think - really think - about your list.  I'm going to turn off the lights and turn on some music while you contemplate your lists. We'll do this for the next 35 - 40 minutes.

- [Turns the lights on.] Well everyone, great session today.  Unfortunately, we're completely out of time.  Our next meeting will be in 2 and a half months.  Dr. Feinstein promises to be back, but you never really know with that guy.

- Remember, you are going to need to bring your Yoga mats for our next session. You might want to wait until they go on sale.  There is really no hurry to go buy one.  No hurry at all.  See you next time!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The BlogHe Conference

If you've been around the blog world any reasonable amount of time, you have almost certainly heard of the blog conference known as "BlogHer".  Even though I have seen this fountain of thick, rich estrogen referenced thousands of times over the years, I am still not sure what these women bloggers do together for three full days.  (Please do not tell me, I honestly do not want to know and even if I did, I would likely lose interest after your first sentence.) 

As a seasoned blog veteran of 3+ years, I've also become acutely aware that there is not a BlogHe conference for the 14 of us men bloggers to enjoy.  I've given this some thought and I've even come up with a schedule for the first day.  (We could probably hold it in my basement, but I'd have to get the okay from my wife first.)

BLOGHE 2011 
Day 1 Agenda

8:00 - 9:00: Breakfast.  
9:00 - 9:15: Breakfast digestion allowance time.
9:15 - 10:00:  Group discussion - the highs and lows of the breakfast.
10:00 - 11:00: Guest Speaker - How to blog and look aloof to the fact you are blogging.
11:00 - 11:15: Snacks
11:15 - 12:15: Backgrounds - Black or white? Today's most pressing quandary. 
12:15 - 1:15: Lunch
1:15 - 1:30: Lunch digestion allowance time.
1:30 - 2:00: ESPN Sportscenter/Naps
2:00 - 2:30: How to comment on a woman's blog photos without coming off creepy. 
2:30 - 3:00: Guest Speaker - Writing and crap.
3:00 - 3:15: Snack
3:15 - 4:00: Group discussion - In & Out vs. Five Guys - better burger?
4:00 - 4:30: Chris Farley comedy highlight reel
4:30 - 5:00: Excuses and places you can tell your spouse you were today.

HOME!  See you tomorrow for another productive day!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Stuff Milli Vanilli Hath Said...

"Blame it on Lorraine." - Milli or Vanilli, after silent farting in Lorraine's apartment.  Probably.

"Blame it on the train." - Milli or Vanilli, while watching the movie "Unstoppable".

"Blame it on the brain." - Milli or Vanilli, trying to spell to spell "butter".

"Blame it on the drain." - Milli or Vanilli, current occupation: plumber.

"Blame it on the grain." - Milli or Vanilli, alcoholics.

I'm finally feeling better. Thanks for all of your concern. I've been kinda out of it, blogging wise.  I'll try to  swing by your blogs and leave a comment or two, ASAP.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The dog days of summer.

Howdy folks.

I have some posts brewing in my brain, but I haven't been able to formulate them onto the blog because my stomach has been making me vomit.  At any rate, I am guest posting today at The Kludgy Mom's blog with a classic Blog O' Cheese post that I know you'll love.  Please swing by and check it out.

Kludgy Mom

Friday, July 22, 2011

My Open Email to Redbook Magazine, Inc. (CC: Uniformed Firefighters Association)

Dear Redbook Magazine,

I get it.  You guys really like firefighters.  What with their chiseled pecks and their gruff exterior, they are undoubtedly the Toblerone of female eye-candy.

Each and every year I eagerly await the release of your "Hot Husband" award.  I take it into the bathroom and flip through the pages, praying this is the year that I finally get recognized. And every year I am passed up for some shirtless firefighter with three kids that he playfully wrestles next to a man-made waterfall in his backyard.

Granted, my wife never actually enters me in your little contest, but I assume some woman has, given my obvious winsome looks, charming musty odor and my soothing dental hygiene. (Less than ten lifetime cavities!)

(Given the hundreds of women that have likely submitted my photo and my previous description of myself, I trust you will have no problem deciphering which entry I am.)

I'll be the first to admit that I am not exactly "calendar material", but that is only because there is not a calendar of steamy-hot, male First Grade teachers.  I mean, there could be a calendar, but we could probably only fill up to April and that's only after Mr. Fergussen has his hernia surgery and Mr. Rickerson has had his hair replacement redone.

Look, I have nothing against firefighters, they are a marvelous bunch of brave men.  But do you really have to just hand them this award every damn year?  Yeah sure, firefighters need MORE attention drawn to their overwhelming sexiness.  They've never quite lived up to their potential in that area, right?

Now, I am not saying that I deserve this award simply because the firemen have had their turn in the spotlight.  No, I deserve this award because I have earned it.  Have you not noticed that I still have a full head of hair?  Have you not seen the hundreds of photos of my "ab"?  You've undoubtedly seen the photo of my extortionate amount of arm hair waving wildly as I stood in front of an oscillating fan.  I just don't see what the problem is here.

And it's not like I've never put out a raging fire in my life either. Yeah, I've done my share of camping and I don't even think about using plain old water to put out the campfire.  Now you tell me what's more manly?

Beyond my obvious physical features that qualify me for the title "Hottest Husband", here are some things that would probably make your women readers swoon:

- I make nearly $35,000 a year!!!
- Kids (sometimes even my own) love me!
- I own a Hyundai Elantra (2004 with air bags AND cruise control!)
- I have above average grooming techniques
- .333 lifetime recreational league softball batting average.
- A+ blood type

I realize that it is highly abnormal for a man to nominate himself for your Hottest Husband award.  But like I said, I'm sure there has to be at least four or five women to have nominated me.  Please take my application under advisement and throw out any handsome firefighter applications you may have received.

Here are some photos of me for your reference that I recently have had professionally done.  (Feel free to use any of them as the centerfold for your issue.)

*I'll let you know if and when I receive a response from either Redbook Magazine or the Uniformed Firefighters Association.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Only Time These Slimy Pick Up Lines Actually Work

So, do you come here often?

Why yes, I live here. My dad owns the place.  I have a little room in the back where I sleep and there's a little hole for my pigeons to climb in and out of.  I've decorated the walls with tin foil and glow-in-the-dark Hello Kitty stickers. There's not a ton of room and my 8 cats hate sharing one litter box, but that's the way it goes sometimes.  It's so nice of you to ask.  It's not often someone shows an interest in my home.

Are your legs tired because you've been running through my mind all night long.

No, they're not tired at all.  These are artificial legs.  I lost my legs in a freak spin class accident a couple years ago.  The fact that you thought my legs were genuine is actually quite a compliment.  I am highly attracted to you right now and your ignorance of my handicap makes you quite desirable.

I forgot my number, can I have yours? 

Why yes, I work for the phone company.  You wouldn't believe how many morons are forgetting their own phone number.  I'm not saying you are a moron, just that morons are constantly... forget it.  Anyway, you can reach me at 411.  You can ask for me, my name is Barbara, but any of the ladies there can help you with your lost number problem.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Really?  Because I am an alphabet consultant for the US government and the President of the United States has asked me to start a special commission to look into rearranging the alphabet.  What you've told me makes perfect sense.  I'd like to hire you immediately. The pay is a measly 200 grand per year and  it's going to take a lot of one-on-one work and a lot of time together, but I think we can create something the President will like.  You in or what?

How does it feel to be the most beautiful girl in the room?

You do realize that we are at the Miss America After-Party and I came in 47th place, right?  Wait. Hold on... were you one of the judges?  You were, weren't you?  You were the one that actually voted for me!  I KNEW IT!  Thank you.  It's good to finally meet a man that knows beauty when he sees it.  Do you wanna get out of here?

Monday, July 18, 2011

This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates

Once a month, I  post a rundown of my best Facebook and Twitter status updates.  Although this month's is a tad bit late, here they are. I'd love to hear your favorites.  Or your least favorites.  

7-16-11 at 6:15 PM: It's ""Carmageddon" here in tiny Leeds, Utah! Seriously, a car drove by like 12 minutes ago.

7-15-11 at 3:53 PM: I am on vacation, but I don't want to look like I am on vacation, so I am wearing a tank top, white tube socks, Jesus sandals, man-capris and a black fanny pack. Blending in.

7-14-11 at 1:17 PMPeople that say "I just love spending time with my kids" do not go on road trips.

7-12-11 at 8:39 AMLadies, you know who else wore feathers in their hair? American Indians. And we all know what happened to them. (They own casinos.)

7-11-11 at 2:24 PMI've been to eight 7-11's today! 8! Only two more and I'll have enough free slurpee to fill my 22 ounce mug!

7-9-11 at 7:02 PMI wish my 5 year old son had half as much excitement for cleaning his room as he does for pushing an elevator button.

7-7-11 at 8:16 PMI'm afraid that a large portion of my Facebook friends are lying about stuff they actually "like" just to win free stuff. Can't trust them. Defriending all...

7-7-11 at 8:44 PMThe worst part of being a teacher in the summer is that when my wife finds glitter in my hair, I can't blame it on an art project.

7-6-11 at 11:59 AM: As a teacher, I love having summers off so I can spend more time yelling at my kids to go outside and do something.

7-4-11 at 3:01 PMHappy Fourth of July everyone! (Unless you are a Jehovah Witness friend. In which case, happy regular day in July.)

7-1-11 at 4:52 PM: I went to the zoo the other day and jokingly asked a zookeeper, "So, how realistic is that new Zookeeper movie?" She laughed, said, "not very", closed the van door and then the gorilla drove her away.

7-1-11 at 3:27 PMChina had General Tso. America had Colonel Sanders. It's a shame they never met on the battlefield because they were both too chicken.

7-1-11 at 2:00 PMI'm grasping at straws for something funny to post. Like a midget at the 7-11 soda fountain.

7-1-11 at 12:01 PMBefore sliced bread, people would say, "It's the best thing since regular bread." Or, "It's the best thing since knives."

7-1-11 at 9:16 AMI remember a time when 3D movies were just the worst thing to do at Disneyland.

7-1-11 at 8:06 AM: When I saw my pet bunny had survived the amputation, I knew at that moment that my new rabbit's foot was indeed very lucky.

6-30-11 at 7:59 PMToday I learned that just because the microwave popcorn bag says "Movie Theater" on it does not mean that they will microwave it for you there.

6-29-11 at 5:17 PMI tell my kids: "Find a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck" does not apply if the penny is in a urinal.

6-27-11 at 8:53 PM: I always get confused if T.M.I. stands for "Too Much Information" or "Tell More Information!". Especially when I talk about my weird mole.

6-27-11 at 12:35 PM: My neighbor just came over and asked if we owned a fax machine. A fax machine?! I told him no, but he was welcome borrow my Sony Walkman, Commodor 64 computer or my calculator watch.

6-25-11 at 4:52 PMA wetsuit is the comb-over of swimwear when worn at a water park.

6-24-11 at 7:59 PMDeer friends, 
I'd just like to say you are the best! I could not ask for better friends. I hope you know how much I appreciate you. And I am a little surprised that you are using facebook, what with your hoofs and all.

6-22-11 at 6:48 PM: Did you guys hear? Subway discovered you can put avocado on sandwiches! They're super excited about it too. Avocado! Not to be outdone, Burger King is currently researching putting bacon on hamburgers.

6-21-11 at 2:00 PMEver come home from a really long trip and you notice your house kinda smells and you wonder if you are the smelly family on the block and no one dares tell you? Asking for a friend.

6-19-11 at 6:30 PMFamous Philadelphia cheese steak for lunch, greasy thin crust Phili pizza for dinner, this is the best kind of Philadelphia Father's Day heartburn!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

What Parents Say/What Kids Hear

My kid. Seemed fitting.
What Parents Say/What Kids Hear

"Stop playing video games and go play outside." = "Go to the neighbors and play video games."

"COME INSIDE AND EAT DINNER!" = "Quick, hide!"

"Go clean your room." = "Stand in the center of your room and whine. Continue until yelled at."

"Stop crying." = "Cry harder."

"Eat your dinner or no dessert." = "Take tiny bites and make moaning noises until we cave. Also, pretend to gag a lot."

"Brush your teeth." = "Stand on the toilet.  Hang on towel rack."

"Stop fighting with your brother." = "Please go on a 15 minute rant to inform us who 'started it'.  We find this information very useful and it matters very much to us."

"You can't have a sleepover tonight." = "SCREAM!"

"Please put your dishes in the dishwasher." = "Please throw your dish in the dishwasher. Run out the door at full speed. Yell, "BYE MOM!"

"Close the door!" = Moan, turn around, walk over to the door, close it in disgust, walk to kitchen, look for something to eat."

"Go take a shower." = "Stand in shower for 20 minutes. Act surprised when you get yelled at to get out."

"Hurry and find your shoes!" = "Look in closet. If not there, cry and scream 'I CAN'T FIND THEM! Make mom angry.  Make her look everywhere while you just stand in the middle of the room and cry. Allow her to find them by the door.  Watch as she says, 'THEY'RE RIGHT HERE!'.  Stop crying and smile.  Listen to your angry mom say, 'If you just put them where they belong you could find them!'  Act relieved.  Repeat entire process in two days." 

Monday, July 11, 2011

Perhaps the funniest First Grade vomiting story you will ever read.

When you teach first grade, watching children vomit becomes commonplace.  It's kinda like being a New York City cab driver or a modeling agency bathroom attendant.  

Throwing up is an almost every day event in the first grade. As a result, I have countless puking stories, (they seem to come in "chunks"), but I have yet to share my favorite. Today, that changes! 
My first year of teaching was eight years ago and I can honestly say I was a little bit mortified the first time a kid in my class puked all over his desk. That was day two.  For the next two months or so, the puking incidents began to pile up and I my mind started to numb to its nasty, sour smell. 

An interesting side note: I was shocked to see that the custodian doesn't throw sawdust on the vomit anymore.  When I was a kid, I was always comforted by the smell of sawdust after a peer's throw-up-fit at school. It was almost as if I looked forward to it.  Nowadays, they have a giant Vomit Vacuum that simply rolls over the pile of puke, sucks it up, shampoos the carpet and gives you a pedicure all in one motion.  

One day, for old-times sake, I threw some sawdust on the vomit that I had hidden in my cupboard.  The custodian arrived, looked down at the spread before him and proclaimed, "What did that kid eat?!"

After my class's 14th vomiting episode of the school year, our carpet screamed for mercy and about the same time the months changed to October. Fortunately, the carpet gods were indeed merciful and the students in my class made it nearly three weeks without a single burp-and-flurp episode! It was heaven. (I assume kids don't puke in heaven. They just dry heave, but the heaves makes them feel warm and comfortable, as it should in heaven.)

October was also the month that our school hosted our annual "Vehicle Day".  This was a very special day in which dozens of different kinds of vehicles cluttered the playground, waiting to be probed by the hundreds of sticky-handed children at our school.  At the event there was an ambulance, a dog catcher truck, a fire engine, something that looked suspiciously like the Pope-Mobile and an ice cream van, fully equipped with a greasy, child-molesting-looking driver.  

My class rotated through the stations with intense interest.  The dump truck man showed them how to dump a load.  They oohed.  The city sweepers showed them how to turn on the brooms.  They aahed.  The ice cream man showed them the spot in the truck where he slept.  They lost interest.  (Later, we learned that the ice cream man had not even been invited to Vehicle Day.  He had just shown up, which makes me believe ice cream men cannot be trusted even MORE than I had originally thought.)  

With one rotation left, we hurriedly ran to the last stop on our Tour-De-Automobiles.  Much to my shock, the last vehicle that my class would be exploring would be a Hearse, complete with empty casket sitting on the ground and an rickety, nightmarish driver. This should be interesting.

Now I wish that I could tell you that I was kidding, that a funeral home would think twice about sending a Hearse to show to a group of 6-year-olds, but that was indeed the case.  Of this death car, I tell the truth and only the truth.  I am Honest Abe.  Truth is what I do.

Believe me, there was a Hearse sitting next to the jungle gym on our playground and my students were fascinated. 

The driver greeted us coyly and I SWEAR he started his "presentation" with the line, "I bet you kids are dying to get a look at this car, right?!"  

I was the only one that laughed.  

The driver then began to explain the ins-and-outs of the car, showing them the automatic windows and the dashboard.  He then showed the children where the bodies go and explained what the car is actually used for.  A collective gasp could be heard from the bundle of adolescents huddling together in the cold, staring at the brand new reaper-wagon as if it were Spongebob himself.


It still doesn't sound right, but that is in fact what the old man said, while patting the top of the car as if it were his grandson's matted hair.  

"Why, I don't know if we have time.  I mean, we probably should go in.", I protested, assuming that the old craggy dodger would simply accept my somewhat authoritative, half-assed stance.  

"Why nonsense! You guys are the last one of the day.  Bring those kids in and make a line.  We've got plenty of time!"

Without a chance for me to get a word in edgewise, the kids cheered in unison and lined up, eager to try their hand at an early death.  Then, one by one, they lay down in the back of the Hertz for two or three seconds, giggled and then exited through the back door.  As they left, the feisty old man gave each of them a pencil with "Johnson Mortuary, Serving the community since 1905" stamped across the side. 

I imagined my students handing their mother the pencil as they walked through the front door.  "Mom, dad! GUESS WHAT I GOT TO DO TODAY!" they would proclaim as their parents would listen in horror.

About half way through the line, I noticed little Sarah, the smallest student in the class was about to enter the Hearse.  Sarah was shy, kind and cute-as-a-button, but way cuter than the Mortuary buttons the driver was handing out.  I was lucky to get Sarah to say more than five words a day to me.  She was painfully timid. Today would not be different.

Sarah pulled herself into the Hearse, laid down, turned her head and puked all over the brand-new, carpeted interior of the drivable tomb.  

The driver and I both rushed to the scene; he was yelling something about the wood paneling, I was trying to help Sarah out of the car.  I pulled Sarah free from the sticky, napped rug as she coughed and cried.  The driver rushed to his glovebox, grabbed a pile of napkins and started dabbing the chunky slime.  After 15 seconds of dab-dab-dabbing away, his napkins were full.  He looked up at me with a half disgusted, half angry glare. I shall never forget that glare. I'm sure I'll be still thinking of it during my own Hearse ride.  I told little Philip to run and get the custodian. 

"Do it now Philip!  HURRY!"

A few minutes later, the custodian returned with a bucket, some rags and some sort of scraping device.  He began the vile clean up process and for the first time since I graduated from college, I was grateful for my degree.  Four years of hard work and study had separated me from being inside that car with the puke or outside the car with the kids.

I walked Sarah to the office, where the secretary put her on a bed with some of that thin wax paper across the top.  When I returned, my class was sitting on the grass, some clearly ticked that they did not get a chance to lie in the Hearse.  I walked over to the veteran driver, who was still standing outside the car, watching our sweaty custodian clean the inside of his brand-new Mercedes Hearse the best he could.  We stood for a few seconds in silence and finally I had to say something.

"Look, I am really sorry about this."

He was still angry, but cordial.  "Yeah, crap like that happens sometimes, I guess." 

"You have no idea!" I replied smugly, checking off good old number 15 in my brain.

We stood in awkward silence for a few more seconds while the custodian finished up.  Finally, the humbled driver spoke up.

"Hey, don't they use sawdust for that anymore?"

"No, weird thing - they stopped using that years ago."

"That's a shame.  That stuff was great."

"Yeah, I know."

Saturday, July 9, 2011

My First Graders sing TV Show theme songs.

Last May, I thought I would blow the parents of my first graders away with a little medley of theme songs from TV shows.  It took a lot of time, but my first graders had it mastered by program time.

FYI: I had a lot of people ask me if all of these students were in my class.  No, this is all four first grade classes at our school combined.  Although, a class of 80 kids would considered strange around these parts.

This was also the first time I have attempted to have first graders do "solos".  The result was terrific.  Check it out!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

What I imagine people will think when I update my Facebook profile information

What I imagine people will think when I update my Facebook profile information.

- That Abe sure is an interesting fellow.  I'd like to learn more about his likes and dislikes. The more information I have about Abe, the better!  It's a good thing he has a lot of information about himself on his Facebook profile.

- Look at this, he has his birthday listed, but not his year.  That's probably not because he is ashamed of his age, but because he is on the lookout for identity thieves. He's always been very cognizant of those types of safety issues.  He's very responsible.

- It says that he's married.  Why, that is a bummer, but it only makes sense, with how he is such a magnificent man and all, of course some woman has gobbled him up by now.

- Ah, I see he is a high school graduate.  That would explain why he is well spoken and so well versed in so many areas.  And of course he went to Highland High School, the elite of the elites of the three Salt Lake City public high schools!  I would have not thought any differently.  I bet he was so popular too.

- The more I read Abe's profile, the more impressed I am with him.  Did you know that he graduated from the University of Utah in 2000?  That's a mere six years after he graduated high school!  Clearly, he takes his education seriously and it shows!

- Wow.  His musical tastes range from Neil Diamond to Bell X1.  Who knew he had such a range of interesting and eclectic taste in music? I'm going to have to email him to get some recommendations.

- And here I thought his taste in music was diverse and inspired, but his taste in movies is even more impressive.  I mean, had I known one of his favorite movies was The Shawshank Redemption, I would have taken him much more seriously!  I'm going to have to apologize.

- HOLD THE PHONE!  What's this.  He likes Disneyland?  That is one of his many interests?  I love Disneyland!  This proves that despite being clearly intelligent, he is also a family man and down to earth.  I appreciate this very much about his personality. He is an amazing, amazing man.

- This has been so interesting.  I am so glad I spent the last 70 minutes looking at Abe's profile.  I feel like I now have someone to look up to in life.  I look forward to his future updates!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Abe's Seven Easy Days to Slightly Overweight Maintenance Freedom

Use these stretchy things if you want.
One of the most common questions I get from loved ones, unloved ones, well-fed soccer moms and hobos is: Abe you look terrific, just amazing! Your looks are an inspiration.  So tell me, how is it that you are able to have such half-chiseled, half-flabby arms while maintaining a stoic, dignified fifteen-pound-overweight look for all these years?

I can't tell you how many times I've been asked this question, and in those exact words as well.  It's like daily clockwork if I had any understanding of how clocks actually work.

So, as a gift to my readers and the other countless people that I have forgotten to give a "Secret Santa" gift to over the years, I have developed a strict diet plan.  When rigorously followed over a week long period, this plan is guaranteed to give you a body type just like mine. If you are a woman, it is guaranteed to give you a female version of my body, which is to say it will make you look like Ellen Degeneres with a slightly larger gut.

I have developed this diet and exercise plan over a three year period of trial and error and I can honestly say that since I have begun the program I have not gained a single pound. (Or lost a single pound.) Much to my chagrin (A "chagrin" is what I call my double chin when I smile), I have continued to be able to enjoy my noble, slightly portly look that drives all the ladies mad. ("Ladies" meaning my wife. "Mad" meaning likely annoyed.)

Now, without further ado (or further "adon't),  I give you "Abe's Seven Easy Days to Slightly Overweight Maintenance Freedom".



Given that it is Monday and you are having a hard time getting self started, I find that a 12 ounce can of regular Coca Cola and a chocolate chip granola bar are just the thing to give you the pep to get to work. You could go with a Diet Coke but that little extra sugar makes it taste good and since breakfast is the most important meal of the day, it's important to drink the entire can.  

I find that eating breakfast while driving to my workplace works best.  In my car, I am free from extra temptations like a second can of Coca Cola or a Hostess Ding Dong.  Eating in your car also helps burn additional calories, especially if you turn the radio station a lot or spill your Coke and desperately try and use your glovebox napkins to wipe up the mess in traffic. (Up to 30 additional calories burned!)


If you're like me, you have very little time to eat lunch so going out is not always an option. I pack a lunch, which I delicately prepare before shoving off in the morning with my Coke and granola bar.  Packing a lunch also burns additional calories which will help you maintain that sleek look your spouse has come to secretly and begrudgingly accept. (Up to 36 additional calories burned!) 

That being said, I generally pack a nice sandwich, preferably turkey or other white meat, a few chips and  a Ding Dong.  Lunch is where you can make up for some of those extra calories you ate in the morning, so I suggest drinking just one additional 12 ounce Coke instead of two. You may want to go with Diet, but you've had a rough morning, so regular it is!


When I get home, I want to just roll up in a ball and nap in the corner until supper is served. Unfortunately, I live in a round house and what corners I do have are completely manufactured from rectangular shaped furniture.  Certainly, I don't want to be a sell out so I skip the nap.

My wife makes dinner, which is generally something fairly tasty.  I like to eat the things that she makes and depending on what she makes, I like to have two helpings.   

So here is my rule for dinner:  If it is good, go ahead and have two helpings.  If it is gross, save yourself those calories and use them as "bonus bucks" for something later in the evening. Bonus bucks come in handy if you are hungry right before bedtime.  All scientists agree that the best time to eat is 30 minutes before you hit the hay. Even scientists that study things such as fish biology agree that eating before bedtime helps you to make it through the night without having to get up for a snack. (I know this because my cousin is a fish biologist and avid eater.)

By skipping out on the extra helping of gross food, you are saving yourself as many as 40,000 calories!  (Depending on the food.)  Look, there is no way your evening snack is going to be 40,000 calories.  I use this magical and mystic logic when I tell my wife I am full after a gross meal.  (Few and far between.  She is a great cook.) 

A dinner soda strictly depends on what your spouse is drinking.  If they are drinking soda, go ahead and indulge.  If not, steer clear.  Save those calories for another occasion.  You may hear your spouse say things such as, "Is that your third soda today?  You are so addicted!" and this will make you feel guilt.  It is important to feel guilt free on this program.  Guilt makes you gain weight and we all know we simply want to maintain that little extra something in the middle. 


It's important to keep your snacks light and healthy. That is why I prefer the French Onion chips over the BBQ.  Hey, at least there is a vegetable in there!  And why not pack some celery?  Or how about WHY pack celery?  Have you tried those things? They taste like water combined with crunchy nothing!

I keep a box of wheat thins at work.  Low in calories and tasty, they fill me up so I will only eat one Twinkie rather than my normal two.  

It's best to just NOT BUY unhealthy snacks so you are NOT tempted to engorge.  That's why I have my wife buy them for me.  Less guilt.  They're there, what am I supposed to do?  But keep them to a minimum.  I like the old rule of thumb: "One snack for every meal, unless you are more hungry than that."  It's something we dietitians like to say. 


I don't have a lot of advice regarding desserts except to eat them, but sparingly.  Desserts can really pile up the calories in a hurry.  I find that if I am out at a restaurant, it is best to gorge myself with the main course, so that when the waiter brings the tray of plastic desserts to look at, I can be honest with him and say, "No thanks, I'm full."  

Rather than eat dessert, eat an extra Olive Garden breadstick or cheesy bread or take an additional trip to the salad bar and get some jello or chocolate pudding.  After all, pudding is not dessert.  It's at the salad bar for pete's sake! Salad is good for you. Which brings me to my next topic...

Eating out:

Inevitably, you will be doing just great on my seven day program when a friend will call you and say, "Do you guys want to go out to dinner tonight?"  Always, no matter what the circumstances, answer this question with a rambunctious, "YES!  HECK YEAH WE DO!"  But don't seem overly desperate.  No one likes a desperate eater. 

When eating out, I always skip the salad.  I always say, "they're just empty calories", which is true because you burn more calories chewing lettuce than it actually has in it.  It's like eating a hollow piece of air.  There is no truer form of empty calories than lettuce.  Skip it.  

You may want to get the soup, but only if there is cheese.  Cheese has milk in it and milk is one of the four major food groups.  As you have read through my plan, you may have noticed that there is not a lot of milk in it.  Now's your chance!  Get the soup, but make sure it has cheese.

If they ask you if you'd like mozzarella, say yes, but ALWAYS say "when" before the other people at your table say "when".  Tell the other people at the table that you are on a diet and don't want to overdo it. This will not only impress them, but you've already had your milk group in the soup so no need to beat a dead horse.  Besides, dead horse might be on the menu and then you'd be beating two dead horses in one meal. 

Finally, eat enough that you can skip dessert. (Saves up to 4,000 calories!)

Things to think about:

Mondays: Being the first day of the work week, Monday is going to present some challenges to stay faithful to the plan.  You may feel overwhelmed, stressed or even fat-tigued from your Sunday dinner of waffles and corn chowder.  Believe me, this is quite common for the unmotivated and it is something that needs to be overcome. 

Soda: Constantly talk about giving up soda.  Again, this gives others the impression that you are serious about this diet and if you talk about it enough, someday you just might do it.  We've all heard that common saying, "You talk a big game but you don't back it up until you talk about it enough to make everyone crazy and think it will never happen."  It's a fairly common saying.

Movies: When going to the movies, eat the popcorn, but ask if you can put on the butter yourself.  The theater workers tend to pile on the butter.  If you want to take control of your diet and make this work, it's important that you pile on the butter, not the movie theater workers.  Take control of your destiny people!

Water: Drink lots of water between sodas.  It will help you feel less guilty and it will dilute the soda.


Here is perhaps the most important part of my diet plan.  In order to maintain your sexy lifestyle and frontal curves (below the torso), it is important to burn off at least some of those calories.

Look, I run somewhere between 4-8 miles a day.  If you can't do this, you need not fear.  Just take my dietary recommendations and cut them in half.  Do exactly half of what I have suggested.  If you can run 4-8 miles a day, do it.  You will feel better and you will forever remain in "borderline overweight limbo".

Finally, if you do embark on my program, I ask that you do one thing.  I need some before and after shots.  I need absolute proof that people that take on my diet plan bodies stay exactly the same shape and size.  So if you could put on some spandex shorts and email me those photos in a PDF, that would be great.  Also, if you could find a giant scale like on the Biggest Loser and take your pictures while standing on it, that would be even better.

Client: Before
Client: After

- - Thank you and I wish you all the best of luck on the Abe's Seven Easy Days to Slightly Overweight Maintenance Freedom!!!

Friday, July 1, 2011

An Open Letter to my Junior High School Bully

Dear Junior High Tormentor that I shall call "Dillon",

I found you. You know, you really should protect your Facebook account.  You see, I now know everything about you and your pathetic little life.

You do remember me, right?  Abe, from Junior High?  Do you remember how you would make fun of me in the lunchroom and call me a "weirdo" and "not right in the head"?  Do you remember mocking me for my overabundance of facial acne, my crush on Tiffany (still hot) and my preoccupation with nerdy Chris Elliott comedies? Do you recall the time I broke both my legs skiing and when I came back to school, you called me a "loser cripple"?

Yeah, that was hilarious, right?

Oh, and let us not forget the time you dumped the contents of my backpack in the hall. That was killer awesome.

Now, look at you.  Just look at you.  Karma has its way of evening things out, right?  I mean, just look at you, what with your pathetic 4,000 square foot house on the hill.  How does that make you feel, Mr. Giant House?  Looks like Richie Rich has finally grown up and bought a place of his own!

Oh, I'll see your 4,000 foot palace and raise you a 2,000 foot 1950's bungalow with "potential" and "charm".

Win: Me.

It says here that you have become a lawyer.  Ha ha!  A lawyer of all things!  You do realize that people hate lawyers, don't you? How long did you have to go to go to school for that?  8 years?  And I bet you are making what, like $200,000 a year?  How does that feel, Mr. Bigshot?

Ha!  I only had to go to school for 6 years and I make $30,000 a year, which is only $170,000 less than you do, loser.  Plus, I actually like my job.

Win: Me.

Well, I see that you have stayed in shape; you still have that six pack. That was just always you, wasn't it?  Athlete of the year, All-State in every sport including Douchebaggery, jockstrap wearer, not afraid to shower in front of others; you seemed to have done it all.

Well, I know this much: I bet you've never run a full mile after pooping yourself.  And I am fairly confident that you have far less blog followers than I do.  My gut tells me you probably haven't even attempted to eat two Five Guys burgers in one sitting.

Win: Me

Look at this.  You've got pictures of your four adorable kids and your extremely plasticy wife. Congratulations.  I'm sure they'll make you batty with their constant arguing about who gets to take the Beemer and who gets to take the Benz.  Haha! Sucker.

Here, take a look at MY family.  That's right, my wife is 100% real AND beautiful. Get this, she even looks stunning in clothes purchased at dives such as The Gap. Not only that, but she manages to survive on my measly salary while taking care of these two cute boys that will NEVER, EVER ask to drive my Beemer.  Just my Hyundai.

Win: Me. 

So, there you have it, you slimy little twerp.  GAME, SET, MATCH ABE!

PS: Does your firm handle bankruptcy claims?  Seriously, I hear you guys are the best!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

When Married Unicorns Fight

Honey, where's our horn sharpener?

It's where it's always been.

Oh, okay.

So, where is that then?

Same place they have been for the past twelve years.

Oh, right.


It's in the glitter drawer!  Look! You got to look.

Where's the glitter drawer?


Right, right.

Okay, it's NOT in the glitter drawer.

Did you dig your horn around?  You've really got to dig your horn around in that glitter to find the thing!

I'm digging, I'm digging!  I'm telling you, that thing is not in there.

You got to use the sharp nub of your horn to dig.  Are you using the nub?


I'm not yelling at you. Are you sure you are looking in the glitter drawer?

Well, yeah. It's very sparkly in there.


What's the friggen' difference?

One sparkles, one glitters. It's common unicorn knowledge.

Well, I can't find it. It's not in here.


Look, it's right here under these mini-rainbows.  Right where I told you they were.

You didn't say they were under the mini-rainbows.  You said they were in the glitter drawer.

The mini-rainbows are IN THE GLITTER DRAWER!  That's exactly why I said you had to use your nub.  I don't think you were using your nub like you said you were.

I WAS USING MY NUB! Can't you see how it's all dull at the end?  And the spiral is a little faded. 

Fine, well here's your stupid horn sharpener.  You know you made us late for the rainbow hop?


*Thank you for reading and enjoying this marvelously fantastic piece on married unicorn fights. (Perhaps the best ever piece on married unicorn fights, according to the Writers Academy of Unicorns.) Please do not ask me if I have seen "Charlie the Unicorn" on YouTube.  I have seen Charlie the Unicorn, and this piece of writing has nothing to do with Charlie the Unicorn. 

** Now that I have asked you not to ask me if I have seen "Charlie the Unicorn" on YouTube in the comments, undoubtedly, some smart aleck will ask, "Have you seen Charlie the Unicorn?" I have accepted this as an inevitable truth.

***Okay, so the male unicorn in the story's name just so happens to be Charlie.  But that is purely coincidental.  Just because I named the unicorn Charlie, doesn't mean it is the SAME Charlie as in those silly YouTube bits. 

****I just realized that not once in the story did I actually tell you the unicorn's names.  The female unicorn is named Lucy and the male's name is Charlie, although he goes by "Chuck". 

*****Chuck the unicorn may or may not be related to Charlie the unicorn.  Despite his marital problems, Chuck is way cooler than Charlie. Charlie may be on YouTube, but Chuck is in talks with HBO to guest star in Entourage next season. 

******In conclusion, this is way better than Charlie the Unicorn.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Sitting in the Front Seat, Sitting in the Back Seat. This will help you make your mind up.

I recently heard that Rebecca Black's "Friday" has been taken off YouTube, which is an absolute shame.  I guess you will have to fill the void with my first graders cover of the classic tune, which is far better anyway! (My thanks to Steven Colbert for allowing me to steal his beginning bit.) My apologies for the heads in the way and the camera work.  My beloved wife is near perfect, but camera work is not her strong suit.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

First Grade Fregley Chokes

It was the day before the last day of school. 

The children had just come in from recess and I had settled them down for a delightful showing of "The Emperor's New Groove" when I felt a tug on my pant leg.

"Mr. Cheeseboy... I'm - gah! - choking - GAH!"

"Fregley" - as I shall refer to him henceforth - is a bit of a lurp.  Gangly and awkward, he is exactly like one of those boys you see in children's movies; the geeky, trouble maker with bad teeth, red hair and freckles. This kid was Fregley before being Fregley was cool.

I grabbed Fregley by the arm and pulled him over to the garbage can. Pulling a kid to the garbage can is a teacher's first natural instinct, no matter the situation. A child could be bitten by a shark at recess and the first thing a teacher would do is say, "Quick, get that boy next to the garbage can! Pronto!"

Fregley bent over the garbage can and continued to choke, gag and slobber.  A bright blue stream of spittle stretched from his mouth to the plastic garbage can lining. My first thought was that the boy was vomiting; you see he had a long, sordid history with the vomit. However, it quickly became clear that vomiting was only a secondary problem.

As Fregley continued to chunk, slobber and cry, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Surprisingly, standing by the garbage can was not working!  Its sacred powers had no affect upon the boy.

I quickly transformed my hands into hook-hands, slid them under Fregley's armpits and carried him out of the classroom, a stream of blue drool dragging behind, gently landing upon the heads of the other first grade students sitting on the floor. 

Of course, the first thing I did when I got Fregley to the office was stand him next to a garbage can. I reasoned that something was clearly wrong with my garbage can.  As he gurgled and slurped over that office trash can, my Boy Scout first aid training began to kick in. 

In the Boy Scouts, you are told to pound a choking person on the back, or at least that's how I remember it because it was a very long time ago.  I didn't feel that the situation had reached the point of back pounding, so I lightly patted him on the back like he was an old lady wearing a barbed wire bra.  

This did not work. 

It finally occurred to me that the back patting was pointless.  I mean, I am not a total idiot, just 83% idiot. Fregley seemed to be able to speak and breath, but I felt that it was my duty to perform the Heimlich Maneuver. (Dr. Heimlich invented this maneuver in 1953 by accident while he gave his wife a stomach massage while she chewed on a bucket of chicken wings.)

Fortunately, just as I was about to wrap my arms around the scrawny hacker, his gag reflux finally set in and he vomited out the lifesaver that had lodged in his throat. 

Fregley looked relieved. 

I looked relieveder. (More relieved)

Fregley wasn't going to die, but he could care less about not dying.

Fregley was reaching into the garbage can.  What was he doing?!  

Fregley was searching for something.  

"Gross, Fregley! What are you doing?!", I screamed.

"I am looking for my lifesaver, Mr. Cheeseboy.  I wanted to finish it."

*This is a 100% true story, but Fregley was not in my class. I did not let him find the lifesaver. 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates

Howdy everyone.  I'm back from hiatus. Just returned from a ten day vacation to Pennsylvania where I ate cheesesteaks, went watersliding and then ate more cheesesteaks. They say you should wait an hour to go swimming after you eat but this rule does not apply to eating cheesesteaks and watersliding.  I looked it up.

Anyway, I am back and I look forward to blog surfing to all your blogs in the near future.

I always post a rundown of my best Facebook and Twitter status updates.  Although this month's is a tad bit late, here they are. I'd love to hear your favorites.  Or your least favorites.  Or just a comment telling me how brilliant I am will do.

6-16-11 at 8:48 PM: The times I have felt like the biggest dope in life are generally the times I am listening to mechanical animals sing to me.

6-15-11 at 6:30 PMJust ate farm fresh strawberry ice cream on a York Pennsylvania farm that looked like it was straight out of the movies. And not one of those scary farm movies either. I'm talking one of those movies with the dog running slow motion through the field and the dopey kid wearing overalls that is so cute you want to slap him.

6-14-11 at 5:38 PM: My sons have started judging the fanciness of restaurants we eat at on this trip by the length of their french fries. The longer the fry, the fancier the place.

6-14-11 at 1:46 PMOn our 5th different hotel in 5 nights. Interesting that not one of them has kicked me out for wandering the halls in a bathrobe, soccer cleats and a scarf.

6-12-11 at 5:13 PMWe hiked to two very secluded Pennsylvania waterfalls today and have also secluded two boys from each other for parent's sanity.

6-11-11 at 1:17 PM: Successfully conquered Easton's Crayola factory. I suggested new crayon color of "Sasquach Brown". They said they would take it under advisement.

6-10-11 at 3:41 PMJust received a full body scan. Airport lady says I should see a doctor but is frustratingly unspecific.

6-10-11 at 8:31 AM: 1980's: Invite friends over and bore them w/slideshow of vacation photos.
2010's: Invite friends to view vacation photos on Facebook.

6-9-11 at 3:30 PM: I feel strongly that my current life, as it stands now, would be very impressive to most carnies and hobos.

6-9-11 at 9:37 AM: If you've got a problem, I've found the best way to solve it is to check out the hook while my DJ revolves it.

6-8-11 at 1:50 PM: If you are saving more than two seats at a movie theater, you are not saving seats, you are being a dillwad.

6-7-11 at 5:33 PM: I love it when my wife asks me to check on food in the oven. I have no idea what I am looking for. I always just tell her, "Yep, still in there." 

6-7-11 at 10:11 AM: Don't you hate it when your spandex bike shorts are making your Spanx ride up? 

6-6-11 at 6:46 PMIf there was a clown that killed all other clowns with machetes, it would still be only as scary as a regular clown.

6-5-11 at 10:35 PM: One thing I have learned in life is that sometimes a bad situation calls for not one, but two adult diapers.

6-3-11 at 3:06 PMFYI: I've done the math & your Glee age is = to .59% of your real-life age. If you are 30 in real life, you are only 17.7 on Glee. (Also, one day into summer break and I already have too much time on my hands.)

6-3-11 at 11:57 AMRight before he died, Dr. Kevorkian's eyes glazed over and his face felt frosted. It was then that he said,"I always planned to go on National Donut Day."

6-2-11 at 5:25 PMThe speling be is on. I have no dowt that I wood STEAL loose at a sixth grade speling bee!

6-1-11 at 10:16 PM: Turns out, opening the dishwasher and blowing in it will not make it work like it does an old-school Nintendo. Total bull.

5-31-11 at 7:04 PMIn 10 years, when everyone looks at their pictures and sees how awful they looked in skinny jeans, I'll have no problem saying "I told you so".

5-30-11 at 10:43 PM‎:oscopy - Abbreviation I made up for colonoscopy.

5-29-11 at 6:55 PMIf I were a mole, my lifelong goal would be to make a mountain out of a molehill.

5-28-11 at 7:03 PMA great gag would be to sneak into the zoo and put little Crocs on all four feet of the crocodile.

5-27-11 at 4:17 PMSo my horse is claiming the he got his horse herpes from a hot tub.

5-27-11 at 4:00 PMI invented a sunscreen that is SPF 1,000! I am going to start selling it at Targets & Walmarts. It's going to be called "Clothes". Look for it soon.

5-26-11 at 7:05 PM: First grade students: What are YOU going to do this summer, Mr. Cheeseboy?
Me: I am going to Pennsylvania.
First grade students: What are you going to do there?
Me: We are going to go to the Crayola Crayon Factory.
First grade student: Do they have pencils?
Me: No
First Grade Student: It should be called "Crayonsylvania" then.

5-25-11 at 6:16 PM: When Oprah signed off one final time today, I felt like a little piece of me died. Then I realized that it was just my leprosy acting up again.

5-25-11 at 4:26 PM: Dear Oprah: I am going to miss not watching you now even more than I missed not watching you when you were on.

5-25-11 at 12:37 AM: Only in Utah would you see people doing the wave before a U2 concert.

5-24-11 at 4:57 PM: Headed to U2. I'm going to speak in an Irish accent until I get tired of it or until I get punched. Probably punched.

5-23-11 at 7:29 PM: My favorite fruit is a crunch berry.

5-22-11 at 8:56 PM: I'd like to go to Baskin Robbins and tell them I'd like one sample of each flavor. Then I would say, "Can you just go ahead and put them all in one big bowl?

5-22-11 at 1:10 PM: Grounded my son today from tigers. There will be no tigers for him for an entire week! He was crying. We don't own tigers.

5-21-11 at 8:00 PM: ‎"Did I say May 21st, 2011 at 4:00 PM? I meant to say 'Bird poop bonnet parade!' Now where is my magic kilt and talking cat?" - Rapture Guy

5-21-11 at 4:27 PM: Worst... Rapture... EVER!

5-20-11 at 6:21 PM: I have never seen an Anne Taylor Loft on anything but the first floor.

5-18-11 at 5:31 PM: When people say someone's "died in the wool" , I always think that would be an incredible itchy way to go.

5-18-11 at 7:04 AM: ‎"My love for the work all started when I was invited to Kevin's birthday party at Build-A-Bear Workshop as a ten-year-old boy." - Charles Stuffemup, World's Greatest Taxidermist

5-17-11 at 7:09 PM: Many people do not know that a mythical Griffin is 55% eagle, 60% lion and 20% high school math failure.

5-16-11 at 9:36 PM: There's 2 kinds of unicorn hoarders: People that hoard unicorns and unicorns that hoard. Oh yes, and unicorns that hoard other unicorns. (Very rare).